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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you have left?

56 replies

Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:34

Hi all

Would like your opinions and will be factual in relation to events.

Would you have left marriage in these circumstances?

Married
First baby
Give birth
Night before going home, Dh seems distant, can't wait to leave to go drinking
Meant to pick up dw and new baby next morning at 10am
Dw and baby packed and ready to leave dh never turns up
Dw has to make call to family member to search for dh
Turns out dh in family home, asleep from night before drunk
Eventually turns up at hospital hours later, hungover, smelling of alcohol and whole face marked/blood presumed from a fall
Leave hospital, dw has to go into shop to pick things up as dh too embarrassed
Go home both families there, dw has to entertain everyone while dh hides in shame
Dw ends up approaching dh at end of evening and comforting him to smooth things over

Would appreciate thoughts

Thanks

OP posts:
MontysRoseGarden · 12/05/2021 17:41

no

its something big at the time but maybe something you will all look back on one day and laugh about

tobedtoMNandfart · 12/05/2021 17:42

How old is he?

This is very poor behaviour indeed. He needs to own it and promise to step up and support you.

Without that I imagine you will find it difficult to get past this.

tobedtoMNandfart · 12/05/2021 17:43

PS Congratulations!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/05/2021 17:44

If it was an isolated incident and he was very remorseful, no. If he regularly went out getting drunk and checked out of family life then yes.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:44

tobedtoMNandfart

Thank you for response. He was 29 at time

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:45

Waxonwaxoff0 - completely abandoned family life

OP posts:
UCOinanOCG · 12/05/2021 17:45

I would have been cross at the time and made sure he understood how I felt about this. If he was remorseful and was generally a good man and had just made a mistake on this occasion due to being excited about being a dad, then it would not even come close to something I would end my marriage for. My DH has done some silly things in his time as have I. We tend to talk through them and resolve any issues at the time.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 12/05/2021 17:45

I'd be really unimpressed by this. Whether or not I left the marriage would depend on whether this is part of a larger pattern of behaviour, lack of care and concern or whether it was a one off, completely out of character etc.
While considering this info I'd probably ask him to go elsewhere for a week or so, or go myself if there was someone nearby willing to take me and new baby. See if he comes to senses!!

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:46

UCOinanOCG- I suppose he didn't really make good, i had to approach him that evening to try sort it and he basically let me deal with entire families, new baby just after giving birth

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:48

MontysRoseGarden- I sincerely doubt it, can you imagine sitting waiting with your baby to get picked up and nobody comes and not even a phone call

OP posts:
Notapheasantplucker · 12/05/2021 17:49

Is this a one off or does he have form for doing things like that?

nimbuscloud · 12/05/2021 17:50

When did this happen?

minniemomo · 12/05/2021 17:50

I wouldn't be impressed but if they apologised once the hangover wore off and it was a rare incident I would put it down to celebrating the birth of their child and friends encouraging them

UCOinanOCG · 12/05/2021 17:51

So I guess the question is - how has he been since then?

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:52

Regularly didn't come home from nights out

2years ago

OP posts:
AmyLou100 · 12/05/2021 17:52

The most unreasonable part is you enabling the behavior and setting the tone which allowed him to continue. Why did you comfort him?? Why did you run around entertaining people allowing him to hide away. No wonder he continued, you were there to pick up the pieces.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:52

since then? Checked out of family life

OP posts:
steppemum · 12/05/2021 17:52

well, there is a lot in there.

  1. why did dh go out drinking? Where was he, what was going on? But the answer to that may not be negative, I would wait to judge.
  2. He was an idiot as he fell asleep drunk and then due to being drunk didn't wake up. If I were dw I would be furious, but how I felt would relate to whether or not this is a strange one-off occurance, or a regular/familiar pattern. People can and do do stupid things occasionally. That in itself isn't a reason to leave. But if it is the last straw, or a repeat of previous times, or generally indicative of his crap behaviour towards responsibility, then yes, I can see how it would be the thing which would make me walk out.
  1. the relatives and family thing. Hmm. That is not down to dh, but may be down to ridiculous expectations. Why was the DW's mum/dad not looking after her, bringing her tea and serving everyone else? Why was dw having to do that? How come the families are so crap that they needed entertaining? That's one for both of the couple to think about in terms of setting boundaries.

At the end of the evening, as DW I would have gone to bed. Well, actually I would have done that 10 minutes after getting home, never mind visitors. And I would have expected a very different dh to be there bringing me tea first thing in the morning.
24 hours after giving birth is not a time to think about your marriage, it is a time to think about the baby.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:53

AmyLou100, I absolutely 100% know and agree. It was the pattern of our behaviour in relationship

OP posts:
BoyTree · 12/05/2021 17:54

He sounds like a feckless twat. Did he even offer an excuse? Remorse? A firm promise to do nothing like that ever again?

Hankunamatata · 12/05/2021 17:54

Mil would have skinned him for me

BoyTree · 12/05/2021 17:55

The most unreasonable part is you enabling the behavior and setting the tone which allowed him to continue. Why did you comfort him?? Why did you run around entertaining people allowing him to hide away. No wonder he continued, you were there to pick up the pieces.

Bullshit! Him being a selfish walker is the most unreasonable thing, not a new mother trying to salvage what should have been a special day.

toocoldforsno · 12/05/2021 17:57

@MontysRoseGarden

no

its something big at the time but maybe something you will all look back on one day and laugh about

Laugh about? Are you mad?
Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 18:09

BoyTree- salvage is exactly what I want trying to do. The only thing he had to do during the entire pregnancy and birth was be there to pick us up, and he didn't

I had thought about the day/ moment of coming home. The moment of realisation that he wasn't coming, I can't describe the worthless feeling

OP posts:
Eggbread · 12/05/2021 18:12

Poor behaviour

But absolutely not
It would have let down others

Regular occurrence I’d have been angry
One off I’d have been upset but let it go