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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you have left?

56 replies

Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 17:34

Hi all

Would like your opinions and will be factual in relation to events.

Would you have left marriage in these circumstances?

Married
First baby
Give birth
Night before going home, Dh seems distant, can't wait to leave to go drinking
Meant to pick up dw and new baby next morning at 10am
Dw and baby packed and ready to leave dh never turns up
Dw has to make call to family member to search for dh
Turns out dh in family home, asleep from night before drunk
Eventually turns up at hospital hours later, hungover, smelling of alcohol and whole face marked/blood presumed from a fall
Leave hospital, dw has to go into shop to pick things up as dh too embarrassed
Go home both families there, dw has to entertain everyone while dh hides in shame
Dw ends up approaching dh at end of evening and comforting him to smooth things over

Would appreciate thoughts

Thanks

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 12/05/2021 18:14

maybe not but id leave after the rest of it

Feelingconfused2020 · 12/05/2021 18:16

its something big at the time but maybe something you will all look back on one day and laugh about

Eh!? I'd be furious and hurt and knowing how emotional I was after giving birth I think I'd have cried myself to sleep. No way that would ever be funny looking back. Given he wasn't really sorry and hasn't made amends I would say leave. It's forgivable if he's truly sorry and never repeats the behaviour.

OhTheIronyOfItAll · 12/05/2021 18:19

If it was an isolated incident, no.

As you have said repeatedly that he had checked out of family life then, yes.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 18:20

It was so embarrassing, nurses asking why I hadn't left yet and he looked so rough when he arrived

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatname2021 · 12/05/2021 18:22

I did leave in the end.

Just shared story with someone who was completely aghast at why I didn't leave then

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2021 18:36

@Whatname2021

AmyLou100, I absolutely 100% know and agree. It was the pattern of our behaviour in relationship
Was the pattern (of him fucking up and you accepting/smoothing things over) already in place before giving birth?

If it was, then yes - I would have left that night /thrown him out because the sheer disrespect / negligence would have been the final nail in the coffin.

If it was not then I'd probably have been too shocked at that point and thought this was some sort of one-off incident caused by the reality of fatherhood hitting home (or somesuch other bullshit I invented to get me through this shitshow). However, when since it sounds he never engaged in family life, I'd probably have called it a day pretty soon afterwards.

MishMashMummy · 12/05/2021 18:39

@Whatname2021

Waxonwaxoff0 - completely abandoned family life
This would be the end for me. It’s not about that one incident (though it’s shitty), but the general pattern is terrible.
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2021 18:42

@Whatname2021

BoyTree- salvage is exactly what I want trying to do. The only thing he had to do during the entire pregnancy and birth was be there to pick us up, and he didn't

I had thought about the day/ moment of coming home. The moment of realisation that he wasn't coming, I can't describe the worthless feeling

Sorry, cross-posted, I take way too long to type.

It sounds as if he'd ground you down by thenSad. Don't beat yourself up about not leaving at that point - his treatment of you made you feel worthless, and so at that point it would have been really hard to step back and look at things unemotionally and make the logical choice. You've left now, and that's the important thing.

Fatladyslim · 12/05/2021 18:55

Honestly, I probably would have.

I near cried when I read your post about coming to the realisation he wasn't coming, and I don't even know you!

I don't think that is a feeling I could forgive (obviously unless there was some horrendous accident) especially as he then did fuck all to make it up to you in the hours after he did that. You should be a team, and let you, the only other player, down when it mattered.

I really hope you find happiness OP Flowers if he has checked out of family life, I would check out of his.

Fatladyslim · 12/05/2021 18:56

Sorry I missed your update confirming you have now left. I wish you all the best

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 12/05/2021 19:00

I got shouted at by DH because by the time my DD was born after a two hour labour, the pub had shut and he yelled that I should have been quicker. I left him later on.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 12/05/2021 19:03

@Whatname2021

I did leave in the end.

Just shared story with someone who was completely aghast at why I didn't leave then

I don’t blame you for leaving that useless twat. No judgement from me for not leaving after the incident you describe- it’s difficult to anyway and when you’ve been/are being conditioned by someone like that to accept their awful behaviour it’s even harder. I’m glad you’ve left now. Here’s to a happy future without him.

I am however agog that anyone would expect the OP to be able to look back on that incident and laugh about it Confused but then again, some people (women) really do have such low standards of men they’ll put up with anything because you know, “men! What are they like?!” 🙄 Hmm

Crunchymum · 12/05/2021 19:06

You've left now though @Whatname2021?

Takemetothebar · 12/05/2021 19:07

I wouldn’t have left if that had been a one off, neither would I have stayed a whole two more years once it became a pattern.

Crunchymum · 12/05/2021 19:09

Sorry, I've seen that you did leave.

The incident you mention, as a stand alone / one off / totally out of character then I could try to work on it. I'd expect exemplary behaviour from that moment onwards.

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

Marylou62 · 12/05/2021 19:14

Sounds almost identical to what happened to me.. Almost word for word! 24 yrs ago.. Still together but still p**s me off when I think about it.. But then he had to go to work the next day and I had to cope alone with 3 children.. Bad time all round but we made it through them..
I think it depends on how you are now and whether he is remorseful.. Sending hugs. X

supersop60 · 12/05/2021 19:15

After your update, the question makes sense.
No, I wouldn't have left after the first incident, even though it would have been massively hurtful. Well done on being out of it now!

Marylou62 · 12/05/2021 19:19

I. I'm so sorry OP.. I was rushing to answer you and didn't read the whole thread. With everything else you said I'm not surprised you eventually left.. Sending more hugs.. Xxx

MangosteenSoda · 12/05/2021 19:32

Sorry this happened to you OP Flowers

Does he ever look after your DC now?

BetterThanKleenex · 12/05/2021 19:39

I would assume that it was a very poor reaction to a high emotion event- but considering you've left him I assume it's more than that. I hope you're happier now Flowers

RaeRaeMama · 12/05/2021 19:42

I don't think I would ever be with someone in the first place who would do that.

blitzen · 12/05/2021 19:47

Glad you left him. YANBU. This thread makes me grateful for my DH whom I can always count on.

Ellpellwood · 12/05/2021 19:53

I think I'd have called him and told him not to bother coming home then drafted my mum in to help for a few days. Maybe reviewed a few days later to see if he was truly sorry.

CSIblonde · 12/05/2021 20:20

As you've said he's checked out of family life since I'm assuming it's a pattern of behaviour & the getting too drunk to pick you up next day was a huge wobble about being a parent, which his behaviour since seems to indicate. Was it a surprise pregnancy or had he been fully ok with having a child ? With the behaviour since, I would feel like a single mother so go ahead & get rid as he's not interested. It's not you who is worthless. If he'd decided he couldn't be a parent the mature thing was to tell you & split, while fulfilling his financial responsibility to your baby.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 13/05/2021 09:34

Thank you to everyone for your support, it means alot.

I left and it has since been massive struggle, has made me know i came to the right decision. His words were I never thought you would leave me, refused counselling, then went to one session and backed out claiming I hadn't any interest in working on it. Since the split there has been constant abusive texts, anger, vile language trying to control me and stalk me

OP posts:
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