WIBU if I slapped this person?

[MrsBertBibby]

Manspreading loud-voiced shorts wearing twat prattling at FULL VOLUME to his mate on the train.

At least may I ping his mask and chuck his earbuds away?

FFS! Shut up, you're not at home!

Oh fuck he's going all the way to London Bridge. FML.

If you don't mind being either punched in the face and/or being arrested

@MrsBertBibby

Manspreading loud-voiced shorts wearing twat prattling at FULL VOLUME to his mate on the train.

At least may I ping his mask and chuck his earbuds away?

FFS! Shut up, you're not at home!

You enjoy that assault conviction

YANBU, is he sitting next to you? Tell him he needs to keep within his own space!

Join in the conversation?

Morally you would be totally justified, legally you are on dodgy ground unfortunately.
Can you hold a sign up saying
“That phone is a complete waste of money, you could obviously just SHOUT and they will hear you!”

Or just “Shut the F@ck up!!!”

Look pointedly over the top of your spectacles, make a slight cough and when he looks at you say, “Young man, please control your lower limbs and refractor encroaching on my space. You need to turn your volume down as well, or I shall sing).” Smile.

He’ll moan to his friend on the phone and call you a miserable old biddy, but he’ll move his legs and be quieter. At any time he forgets, you just look at offending limb and he’ll quickly pull it back to his space.

He isn't responding to furtive frowns. What's wrong with him? I may have to tut.

Ooh! Eye contact! This is not acceptable on a London commuter train.

Still prattling. God almighty man, no one else is doing this. Read the bloody carriage

Is the conversation interesting - or ‘then I had some toast and tea, I’m having a tuna sandwich for lunch...’ or ‘so then I hid the diamonds under the bath and buried the body... oh that’s my stop!’

It's endless football drivel about teams and who's doing the training and who's putting in the work. Quality mate, quality.

So, no.

But I can tell you Hugo's in for a nasty shock when he gets dropped.

You need a proper raised eyebrows & a good huff!!
Failing that 'Do shut up & close your legs, your cock isn't that big'

Daydream about 101 ways to shut him up for good!

Pull out your phone and start a very loud conversation that almost mirrors his, only it's about the ladies boules team, or mini golf, or something.

Disembarking. Many glares from other passengers. Bloke seems oblivious.

Tosser

Start your own (imaginary) 'phone conversation about periods, maybe. Or listing all the different flavours of crisps that you know. It may amuse you if nothing else! But otherwise, @LemonRoses has it spot on.

Ooh, I want to know about Hugo. Just tell him, Elsie from Dorset wants to know more about Hugo.

Try looking at him and laughing quietly to yourself. I used to get SO huffy in these situations but find being cheerful actually makes me feel better and also discombobulates other people much more than being moody!
I was once in a really quiet carriage early in the morning when 2 young 20 something women got on. They couldnt sit together so proceeded to lean forward and shout their conversation to each other. 2 of the most entitled, precocious people I've ever encountered. Baffles me how people have no sense of where they are and who they are affecting!

If you don't mind being either punched in the face and/or being arrested

You enjoy that assault conviction

Morally you would be totally justified, legally you are on dodgy ground unfortunately.

I miss old MN when everyone would have responded with the humour so clearly intended by the OP.

I would pick up my phone and start copying his conversation word for word, as loud as him. If he clocks then just say you're talking to your friend about football and can he not interrupt you please

Him: "Are you copying my conversation?"
You" Are you copying my conversation?"
And so on///

I think you need a three point strategy here, op. Glare, tut and - crucially - eye roll.

Then accidentally stamp his toes as you leave.

Poor Hugo.

@MrsBertBibby

Disembarking. Many glares from other passengers. Bloke seems oblivious.

Tosser

'Course he's oblivious. Anyone with either a lack of self-awareness or arseholery - as he seems to be - wouldn't notice or care about the little stares, huffs and coughs from people around him. To get to him, you'd have to either be direct (in the case of lack of self-awareness) or match their arseholery.

YABU.

@MrsBertBibby I know (hope) you're kidding/being light hearted, but imagine if a man came on here, and said 'should I slap this gobby, outspoken WOMAN who won't stop talking on the phone next to me...?!'

There definitely wouldn't be three quarters of posters voting for 'YANBU...'

YABU obviously, and the double standards on mumsnet are breathtaking as usual.......