Anyone else still feeling flat?

[Summercocktailsinthesnow]

I will say I am grateful to still be here, and I have not lost anyone very close to me to covid. Believe me I am grateful for those things. I am not depressed in the slightest either, however I am finding it increasingly hard to listen to all the conversations about hugging and enjoying life again on the radio and every news channel, and I am just not feeling it. At all. Things don't feel very different to me.

I have shivered through meals and drinks with friends, braved the weather for BBQs, I have even had my hair done! I imagined by now to be feeling much better than I am. But I don't feel better. I am so flat, and find things are not much better than before. The things I most want to do seem still a million miles away.

I am desperate for a holiday, we have worked all the way through, but how easy it that going to be this summer? Chances look exceptionally low. I want to dance at a festival, no chance. Or go to something with live music, anything.
I want to enjoy shopping without feeling muzzled, and I really feel what we have now is not really a whole life at all, it is like a half life. It is nothing like the life I left behind. I have no sense of when it will end. The scientist on the BBC today said she wasn't sure the next reopening will even happen....the moment when some kind of normal happens on the 21st of June.

I can't summon the energy to look forward to anything, because we have no idea if it will happen. I feel like I am being lied to, look at all you can do is the strap line, the reality is freezing cold, wind swept evenings eating cold over priced food, and everything is so limited in experience and in interaction, like trying to enjoy a facial with someone covered in PPE none of this is actually fun anymore!

I am optimist, by nature, and of course I have already counted my blessings for the things we can do, but really I just want my old life back so so so badly. Does anyone else feel like this?

YANBU. I just want normal life back now, like everyone else. I sway from acceptance to being bloody furious that this has happened in my lifetime and affected my children so badly. I know we've been lucky - all healthy, haven't known a single person to have had COVID but...this half-life is bullshit.

Totally agree. Everyone has suffered in one way or another. My parents fear they wont get many more chances to travel abroad, we feel we lost out on possibly a last family holiday as the teenagers grow up so much etc. I feel sad my daughter never got her prom.,I know others made redundant,
We have all had hard times so its going to take a while before we can slot back to normal life.

OP your massage experience has shocked me. Sorry, that must have been so disappointing.

You mentioned the therapist was wearing gloves?!

@Summercocktailsinthesnow

That sounds more depressing than staying at home.

I am fighting back on the languishing too. I have a group of friends over in the garden tonight, another drinking sesh on Saturday with friends in a garden (with heaters!!). I have a new group of neighbour friends coming round early next week. Went out on my bike last night etc etc. There are things in my calendar but I basically just have to completely keep away from any interactions involving explicit covid regulations as much as possible to attain even a fleeting sense of normality. The pub is not a pub as I know it, and I have much more freedom at home.

Massages are strictly off the list for any fight back against languishing.

@Summercocktailsinthesnow that massage sounded stressful! It why I haven't gone to get my hair, nails or a facial done, it just seems so exhausting to have to be so careful, fully masked etc that I know it's not going to be the experience I like, that recharges me etc

Place Mark as this is so my life

@Welikebeingcosy

I think it's the grief of a whole year of our lives lost weighing us down. Like we can get back to normal but it feels this huge gap has been lost and needs making up for and none of the new easier restrictions give us a life to make up for what we've lost. It wasn't so bad before because it was only a few months of life lost but a year is huge- especially with children and seeing them change so much and not being able to have given them the normal things which they'll never get back at those ages again. Then there's the tension of not knowing if any more of our life will be lost. Makes it hard just to snap back to normal and be excited to be inside a pub again. Would recommend some real still time and crying it out/writing through it and coming to terms with what was taken away... I spent 3k of my savings on just getting through the lockdown, and that feels enormous in itself. It could have been money used for a big holiday once things are normal. I think it represents what was taken away from me emotionally and spiritually. A year of our life is a huge part of our identity and we have few memories to be a part of that.

My 10yo was saying this morning and not for the first time, that he can't remember what life was like before. It's 10% of his life. He has the sense of life being more interesting before but has forgotten the details like deciding it's a soggy Sunday so we'll turn up to a splash session at the swimming pool. He's fortunate to have continued lessons through the autumn and back ASAP on 12th April (more than many!) so it's not like he's forgotten about swimming completely, but it's simply not been practical to swim for FUN since March 2020.

It's like the Uncanny Valley effect. It's close enough to reality to be recognisable but it's just not normal and we know it even if it can be hard to put your finger on what it is that's failing to trigger joy.
And it permeates everything.

My day today:
School drop off (masks inhibiting conversation)
In the house (don't disturb DH upstairs, best not vacuum, can't put radios on full blast)
Shall I go for a run? (Feeling meh, no upcoming race to train for, run/ walked every path within 5 miles countless times)
Scouting (will it be rained off? No indoor option)
And repeat and repeat and repeat.

Feel the same, it’s great that things are opening but haven’t bothered with pubs or eating out as can’t be bothered with masks and being told where to sit etc.
Also really really want to go on holiday so feel like til that happens or I can book etc it feels a bit flat

I am not wanting to post bad news, but I couldn't help but read this in the paper this morning and realise my languishing mood is based on a reasonable reaction to this endless pandemic.

Sorry if this makes anyone feel worse, but its not surprising we are not jumping for joy is it:

www.theguardian.com/world/2021/may/12/indian-covid-variant-calls-in-question-17-may-reopening-in-uk-say-experts

@Summercocktailsinthesnow

So I decided to have a massage and kick start some fight back to languishing, as I hate the feeling! I am not giving in to this...

So trotted along this morning after arguing with myself in the car park because I wanted to go home so much. Perhaps I should have listened to that inner voice. The therapist was kitted out in full PPE expected for major surgery with just two small eyes bulging out - and then goggles, visa, mask, two layers of blue aprons and rubber gloves that looked scary. Hair some kind of attractive plastic swim wear hat. Very calming and relaxing?! The place had been stripped bare of cushions, magazines and not even a glass of water was on offer. Even the plastic plants had been moved up to higher shelves for their safety from the general public breathing on them. It was not exactly welcoming.

We weren't actually allowed to touch anything so I sat on edge of chair trying to breathe in my triple mask (my fabric one was not good enough apparently, and was replaced in school mistress fashion) and she actually sprayed the chair after I stood up with dettol spray. So now I am feeling seriously like a leper. This was before the massage even started.

The rustling sound of the layers and layers of PPE made it impossible to relax, I couldn't breathe with the mask on. She kept washing her hands over and over again, as if my very presence was contaminating and eventually the whole sorry debacle thankfully came to an end. I could hear her spraying the room as I left to pay the extortionate fee for my 50 minutes of relaxation.......

Is it any wonder that we are feeling worn out with this? How is this a life? It is no wonder our central nervous systems are in flat lining when this is the very best and closest thing we can get to relaxation and unwinding. God help anyone that needs medical care....don't get me started on my experience in hospital.

So on reflection folks, I have come to the conclusion that the languishers are not going to sucked in that easily, we have looked at the situation with clear eyes and thought WTAF is this?
We are not going to be jollied along by the government into a huge staged pretence that we should be grateful for this shell of a life, we are the ones saying give our lives back now....right now, and with good reason. Enough is enough. I am tired, I am fed up - give me my life back.

We are ahead of the game, I would say. Levelly looking at this in the cold light of day, why should I be made to feel half alive...

Yet when I've been to the osteopath/ sports massage, there's been half of that crap. They're both as hands on as each other but have slightly different guidence to each other (same practice). One wears a mask and visor, the other just a mask.

It's about the final place I attempt to cover my face with it being close personal contact and I'm lying there, can shut my eyes and can zone out so don't get the sensory overwhelm that I do in places like shops where there's so much more input to process. They've been fine with my thin Buff. I was once offered a mask and politely declined saying that I struggle which was accepted. It's clearly not the same as normal but they have refrained from superflous measures.
It's that inconsistency that's very difficult to anticipate and weap your head around. It might be tolerable... it might be totally overzealous.

I've kept going because it does stop me from seizing up, so maintains the wider benefit although I miss the last 15 mins with the osteopath as it's down to 45 mins. It is more clinical and less relaxing than usual.

ostara Yes the therapist changed her gloves to the skin type ones, but yes she looked like an alien pretty much no offence to her but jeez she looked ready for nuclear war, and I had to complete the longest ever questionnaire/inquisition beforehand too.

So yes folks you might want to think twice about investing in a massage Back to the evening gin and tonic then for the moment until we can find something else that works!!! Or shall we give up, close the curtains and lie down with Motherland until it passes.

@Summercocktailsinthesnow

ostara Yes the therapist changed her gloves to the skin type ones, but yes she looked like an alien pretty much no offence to her but jeez she looked ready for nuclear war, and I had to complete the longest ever questionnaire/inquisition beforehand too.

So yes folks you might want to think twice about investing in a massage Back to the evening gin and tonic then for the moment until we can find something else that works!!! Or shall we give up, close the curtains and lie down with Motherland until it passes.

I don't know what a skin type glove is

Do you mean She actually did the massage with gloves on?

@cardibach

I’m sorry you feel so bad *@TadlowDogIncident*, but this struck me: He'll never sing treble in a choir again. Why? Church choirs haven’t been banned, they’ve been going since after first lockdown. Isn’t there one he could join since boy treble is a very specific type of voice and largely used in religious music?

Our church choir has stopped, the children's choir he used to sing in has stopped and the school choir has stopped. There aren't many parish church choirs that have children in our area. He's not so good that he's Westminster Abbey material, he's just a child who likes singing and has a pleasant voice, and there's no prospect of anything starting up again.

It's the same point someone was making about baby groups - expensive things that require commitment are available, fun stuff that you can pick up fairly spontaneously isn't.

@Summercocktailsinthesnow

massive yes that is it, I was feeling better in the lockdown in mid winter preparing for now. But now has arrived, it is nothing like what I thought it would be. I was ordering new dresses, booking trips and getting excited about the summer. But now reality is here, it is raining, not summer dress weather and we are all too tired to work up the energy to enjoy anything.

Maybe if the weather improves and we take some time off.....she says clutching at straws.

I am happyfor you non and hope you enjoy your plans.

See this is why I think the problem is, at least it definitely is for me: the weather. Every day is full, cold, windy or raining. If we had last year’s weather we’d all be revelling in BBQs and beer gardens. Outdoor clubs would be back on instead of getting cancelled due to the weather. Walks and outdoor activities wouldn’t seem like quite so much of a chore. We wouldn’t have to look into the wardrobe and sigh at the prospect of another day of winter clothes.

I know nobody’s in charge of the weather, but it’s such a kick in the teeth after the year we’ve had.

Dull not full 🙈 my days are certainly not full!

I just want my old life back so so so badly.

Yep, me too. So much of it just isn't there and there's no certainty about when or how it will come back. I'm realising that no, it hasn't all come back, and most likely it wont all come back, and if it does all come back I wont feel the same way about it. Things really have changed for me.

trying to enjoy a facial with someone covered in PPE none of this is actually fun anymore!

I feel the same way about shopping. I used to love to potter round the shops. Now I can go into a shop, but I'm alert for people getting too close, and I'm not sure when touching things is OK... and worst of all I can't see properly due to the mask, either I'm wearing steamed up glasses or I've taken them off, either way I can't see properly. It's not enjoyable now it's stressful.

And the same for so many other things. I'd love to go the cinema or theatre or a concert but am I looking forward to a socially-distanced cinema trip? Or the stress of a non-socially-distanced cinema trip? Not really.

I'm not a spontaneous person at all, but everything needs even more planning than it used to! It's exhausting.

Are we burnt out/exhausted do you think?

Not exactly. Maybe we are just languishing... but I think there is more to it. Maybe we are also grieving for what we've lost.

I don't find anything interesting anymore. I have some amazing hobbies, but they don't inspire me anymore.

Losing interest is the same effect that grief has. So I've decided it's OK to feel "flat" for the time being and let things go a bit. The only good thing about grief - if that's what it is! - is that it's not forever. Time heals and I will regain my interest in life.

I'm so sorry to see the news about Bitoffun. I've been here for 12 years under different names and she's been such a constant.

Yeah, I feel shit all of the time. I’m definitely depressed and struggling with anxiety for the first time in years. I currently feel deflated because I barely leave the house. I’m stuck in a cycle of only leaving to do the school run and once or twice at the weekend for a walk, that’s it. Terrible.

I was desperate to go to a local baby and toddler group for a change of scenery but there’s waiting lists for every single one. A space became available for the one I was most interested in but they wanted £90 for five sessions and I can’t afford it so I’m just stuck, alone at home. I don’t know anyone here either, we moved here when I was pregnant with my 2 year old and I’ve never met any friends. I cry most days.

I’m feeling very meh about it too. I’m not sure I can adequately explain my feelings, but I’ll have a go! Sorry, it’s all a bit doom and gloom.

• I feel sad that Covid happened at all. It’s shaken my faith in human ability and science to prevent/contain pandemics to the extent that I am already dreading the next pandemic.
• I’m angry at our government’s handling and the glib nature of the very early response. I don’t believe they have the countries best interests at heart at all.
• I have been incredibly lucky in that my family and loved ones have, on the whole, not been badly affected by Covid and I am grateful for that but I’m so sad about groups, classes, volunteering etc ending and that I may never be able to do some of those things again.
• my fear about further pandemics or outbreaks tempers any joy in “getting back to normal”. I feel we are all naive and we’ve been shown that we are not in control of our lives.

Pfft. Just feeling so blah.

ostara yes gloves firmly on. Not great I can tell you, because half the joy of massage is touch.

thatis That sounds really really hard. I don't want to give you a list of things to do to feel better because I know you will have tried most things already, but could you not call the baby group and tell them how you are feeling? The church groups would never turn you away if they knew. If I was running a group I would make space for people like you as a priority.
Are there any groups (book clubs, exercise etc) that are not child related (with big waiting lists) that you could join instead to meet friends? I would cry too in your position, and can only hope that things improve this summer for you You have us. I know it is not much. But you have us.

I think that winter without Christmas has taken it out of me, except I did put a lot of effort into Christmas but it was just tiring without the reward of sharing it with guests. When it came to Easter I just couldn’t be bothered to buy a bunch of daffodils, it did feel so flat.
Things will start to get better when indoor hospitality opens up and we can go in and out of one another’s homes.
It’s interesting that you say you’re an optimist. I have noticed some people I would generally think of as optimists hit very hard by it all, whilst some realists seemed to remain surprisingly optimistic.

100%! Reading this has made me feel so much less alone!

I think it’s because we can’t trust that we’re on an upward trajectory now. My wedding is booked for 18mo from now, and I’m not naturally pessimistic, but I still can’t bring myself to look forward to it. Because... who knows?

We’re so used to being disappointed that it’s all we expect.

Also agree that the half measures feel like a consolation prize. If someone told me I could attend a friend’s big birthday party, no restrictions at all- that I’d be excited about. Windswept dinners? Not so much.

Back to the evening gin and tonic then for the moment until we can find something else that works!!!

That is absolutely my philosophy.

Have tried to 'do normal things'. They just end up being worse than being in my garden with friends / on another fucking walk.

The only other thing is some sort of DIY / interior project. I definitely feel better when I have something to upcycle and revel in buying shit from Etsy. Problem is, I have upcycled every piece of furniture within an inch of it's life now and I am not sure my house will ever be fit for public viewing ever again as it is very very erm, eclectic. It reminds me of that poem about 'wearing purple' as I have most certainly embraced my inner 'eccentricity' with some of my pandemic projects.

OP - a gloved massage sounds weird to me but I'm not a regular.

My flat looks increasingly mad. My friends say the same so I'm not going to worry about it. I've got pictures everywhere like a student room, because they cheer me up.

I have verbal dirrhea and could talk to myself any minute now.

This is me! I feel burnt out.