Does anyone feel annoyed that their parents didn’t provide more support and guidance regarding education and careers?

[peaprotein]

I’m late thirties and have been living my life on autopilot, up until recently when I’ve had my own child and started questioning my own upbringing. I would like to think I’ve always had above average intelligence and real potential (at least that’s what my teachers said). My Dad was educated, and the breadwinner and had a very demanding career so wasn’t involved in our upbringing too much. My Mom is not educated at all and her dream was to have children. However, I now reflect and think she was quite a poor parent in many respects. I can elaborate on that further but she is very cold, unloving and critical to say the least. The one thing that bothers me the most though is that she never stressed the importance of a good education or career. She did not want me to go to university, said it wasn’t necessary and she knew many people who had been successful without going and encouraged me to apply for an apprenticeship which was well below my means. From then I have just continued to have very basic jobs and have had little life experience as in our culture you live with your parents until you get married which I didn’t do until my thirties. So I haven’t really known any better or different. Throughout my life she has compared me to others and how successful their careers have been which has always left me feeling rubbish. Forgetting that those people will have been parented very differently to me and had different opportunities and experiences. Now that I have my own child I am thinking about their future, and it has hit me that my Mom did next to nothing to nurture any talents or ability I had. At this point I don’t feel sorry for myself as I know I can and will begin to make changes as I am now so much more aware of certain things. But I’m still a bit miffed that ultimately my life could look very different career wise if she had provided me with better guidance and support. I know she was doing the best she could in many respects and I believe she too was raised by a very critical and unloving father so I see where this all comes from, still a bit of a tough pill to swallow though.

We were all left to our own devices. All of us went to uni with no financial support. Any failings / successes are our own.

Being left to your own devices is one thing. Being told it's not necessary for you to go is a whole other ball game. I would find it hard to forgive that. But if you can forgive and move forward, that will be what's best for your soul. You are still young. The world is still yours for the taking. Find your interest and go prove her wrong.

Mine didn't take any interest in me full stop. I went to a rubbish school and knew nothing about A levels or University. I was homeless at 16 and had I known about University and funding (free in those days) it would have been a good option. I was always in the top sets and sailed through my CSE's. I now realise that my older husband got me pregnant as a teen to keep me. A better school and better teachers could have made a massive difference. I did a BA slightly older than you, so try to look forwards.

@SummerHouse
"We were all left to our own devices. All of us went to uni with no financial support. Any failings / successes are our own."

How did you get to uni? Where did you live after 16 til you went? Sounds like you've had some head start when compared to some teens.

So you had no access to the wider world, to see women on television going out to work, having careers nor did your school lay on careers fairs, bring in speakers, have careers advisors and drum home the importance of 5 A*-C and further education. Did none of your peers have and speak of aspirations? Your teachers said you had potential.

At my advanced years life is a whole catalogue of 'what ifs' - mainly what if I'd done something about it instead of coasting. You have to take charge of your own destiny, you have two thirds of your life still in front of you, you cant keep looking backwards

Sounds like she didn't really have the knowledge to advise you anyway.
I understand what you mean but you are where you are and the only person you are upsetting is yourself. The fact is that you didn't get advice and all you can do is make the best of things going forward.
You are young enough to retrain, would that be an option?

Good point @ponoka7 we were always welcome at home and all did A-levels. I totally agree it's a different world for someone who didn't have this grounding. Pretty unthinking of me to imply its all down to the individual when we had those essential stepping stones.

I think that having parental support and advice can be very helpful. My parents were supportive in a way that they didn't discourage me from pursuing anything. Unfortunately they didn't have much clue about further education or jobs outside of their own profession (carer and mechanic). And neither did I.

It takes surprisingly long to learn about your options when you're having to find them by yourself!

I've long blamed school and their careers advice more than my parents. The message they kept telling us at school was "work hard and you'll succeed." Utter bullshit, hard work does not mean success. (It's hard to get success without working for it, but working hard for success doesn't mean it will come.)

They drummed into us how important it was to go to university - how it would give us an advantage all our lives. Again, utter nonsense. People I know left school at 16 and went to work, bought their own home about the time I was finishing university and got on the property ladder about ten years before I could. They'll be mortgage-free by their late 40s, I'll be mortgage-free by my late 60s.

It's more important to start work as soon as you can than to go to university. It's feasible for a 16yo school-leaver to have earned 80K or more by the time a 21yo leaves university. That is a massive head start, even if the graduate earns a couple of thousand a year more it will take most of their working life to catch up.

your dad is an equal parent and probably better placed to advise on education and careers from what you've said about them. So why just blame your mum?

@Kljnmw3459 I think this is what bothers me. I feel I've been controlled well into my adult life in a multitude of ways which didn't allow me to find out things for myself.. Good and bad, success and failures.

@SummerHouse I truly understand what you're saying. Just hard for me to find peace when my Mother is heavily present in my life still criticising me about how my life has turned out amongst other things. Probably a lesson to be found here regarding some distance and boundaries.

@user1471457751 I fully agree. He has apologised and taken full responsibility for his part or lack thereof and I can truly understand why he did what he did. It was only ever to give his children a better life, so this I can be at peace with

My parents also failed to give me any guidance with school/exam preparation/universities. I also stopped asking for help with homework after year 7 when my dad used to shout at me for not understanding. They also actively discouraged me from going to university because of the cost and because my dad had managed to work his way up in the civil service without it. But to be honest that was the least of their failings.

I was lucky though in that I was at a grammar school, which considered it a failing on their part if students didn't go to university so I had guidance from them and went despite my parents' reluctance.

Same as me op. My mum wasn't really interested in my education or explaining how things worked. I had no idea about exams or what marks I needed or even what the options were. Going to uni and the pathway to getting there was never discussed. I felt completely lost and out of my depth at school when people would be sitting with their uni course guide (which back then you purchased from a newsagent, I had no money.)

I left school early and I wish I had finished school and gone on to uni.

in one word, yes.

Whilst i have very loving parents and had an amazing childhood, jobs and career and schooling was never really spoke about and if it was it was more just general. The importance of a career was never spoke about and i think for me it would have been more benificial.

I was really smart, super smart but it was misdirected. I wasn't told or didn't understand the importance of knowing what i want to do and working towards that.

However, i dont blame them, i had a wonderful childhood and my parents are amazing.

I just really make sure that my kids hear me when we speak about jobs and careers and the importance of trying to figure out what you want to do so they can work towards that...but im sure ill fuck up at something else lol.

I hadn't thought about it. But life as a latch key kids from 10 pretty quickly teaches you you've only got yourself in life anyway.

My parents needed me to go out to work at 16 years old. It was expected that we'd contribute to the household expenses at that age. Not their fault - both came from poor backgrounds and dad couldn't read until mum taught him when they met as his parents didn't give a sh!t.

I got a nice clerical job, took on every task I was asked to help with, was promoted. Decided my CSEs weren't going to be enough so took more qualifications at evening classes, then took a professional qualification. Then decided OU would be helpful so I got a diploma from them in my field. When I finally gave up work to have my DS I was earning £40K (that was 14 years ago) so I didn't do too badly.

The point is education doesn't stop at the school or college door. We're very lucky that we can study with places like the OU or for short courses to give us not only educational qualifications but a new outlook on our lives. Doesn't matter if it's a degree in Engineering or a couple of short courses on how to tile a wall - every bit of education changes you or gives you fulfilment.

So no, I'm not at all annoyed with my parents. My background spurred me on to achieve, possibly, a lot more than I would have done if I'd been handed it on a plate. I value every qualification I got as I got them whilst holding down demanding jobs.

My parents never discouraged me from going to university but they didn’t know how it worked and were wary of it. They didn’t tell me to study, spend hours deciding which A-levels I should pick. Student loans had been brought in when I went to uni and that put both my parents off and they told me I would be getting a debt, which scared them. It was school that explained how exams, A-levels and entry to university worked. It was school who explained student loans works and me who explained student loans to my parents. But my school also had the default opinion of intelligent students need to go to university and those students less academically minded needed to learn a trade. I have friends whose parents encouraged them to go university when it wasn’t right for them. They were academic but uni wasn’t for them. They feel similar to you, that their parents have held them back but instead they should have done an apprenticeship.

I too had a very cold and critical mother. She actively and repeatedly told me that I wasn't to go to university, she didn't want me to do exams etc. It was very much a "who do you think you are" attitude. To the extent that I left home at 15 to allow me to pursue education.

I did a degree plus further training; and had a very successful career. I now work in a completely different field, and own my own business. She couldn't be more disappointed in me. I stopped apologising for who I am several years back and am now no contact.

Maybe a little. My parents broke up when I was almost 16. It was a horrible, messy breakup. No one checked with me if I was going to school, how I was doing with my highers or took an interest or helped with uni applications. Not even the school although they knew my parents were divorcing.
My dads dead now and my mum would cry and act like a victim if I ever mentioned it so I don't bother.

I sympathise to an extent because I also wish I’d had better guidance and encouragement though in my case my parents just didn’t know how to as they themselves left school at 14 to work and my school didn’t have much aspiration for the wc students in our disadvantaged area.

I think it is normal when you become a mother yourself to look back on how you were parented and question certain aspects. Saying that, I don’t really see why you’d think your mother in particular could or would have encouraged your education given you say she herself wasn’t educated and simply aspired to be a mother. Why would she have encouraged something she didn’t particularly value or believe in?

It’s interesting that you’re satisfied with your father’s explanation for his failure in this area yet he was the only one of your parents who possibly could have given you what you now look back and wish you’d had. Maybe your current issues with your mother make it tempting/easier to lay all this at her door? Whatever your current difficulties with her (and you’re probably right about some distance and boundaries) it seems unfair to blame her for this.

I’d also gently point out that in your late 30s you’ve been an adult for a long time. Yes, we’re all a product of our childhood but I don’t think we can put all of our adult disappointments on our parents and they can’t be held responsible for you “living your life on autopilot” as you describe. You do need to take your share of responsibility for how your adult life has been so far and if you feel like it can be better then looking forward with determination is more likely to achieve that than looking back in blame and regret.

I’d also gently point out that in your late 30s you’ve been an adult for a long time. Yes, we’re all a product of our childhood but I don’t think we can put all of our adult disappointments on our parents and they can’t be held responsible for you “living your life on autopilot” as you describe. You do need to take your share of responsibility for how your adult life has been so far and if you feel like it can be better then looking forward with determination is more likely to achieve that than looking back in blame and regret.

I'd echo this sentiment but definitely not gently! You are a grown up. Past the age of 18 any decisions made in your life are yours. You've had plenty of time to change things round if that's what you want. It's lazy to look back and blame others. If you want to do something then get on and do it.

I do.

My mum and dad have always been good, loving parents but looking back now I feel like once I was out of primary school they didn't really have any active involvement in my education at all, beyond attending parents evening etc. They never helped/advised me in choosing subjects at school or for A-Levels, don't remember them taking an active interest in my exams or how much revision I was doing, although they always got me what I needed in terms of book etc. I guess I never asked them for assistance but equally they didn't take it upon themselves to now what was going on with school.

Luckily I got good results and knew I wanted to go to university so I sorted it out myself. No input from them in sorting out the forms etc, although I do appreciate that neither of them went to university so it's not something they were familiar with.

I know they would never have meant any harm by it and they'd be upset if I said any of this to them, but I do feel that I'm lucky that my educational life and career went the way it did as I could easily have done far worse at school given the lack to engagement from my parents in terms of making sure I was on track. Like, I genuinely don't think they ever even checked whether I had any homework, much less whether I'd completed it (which I frequently didn't).

Yeah I think about this occasionally. Especially given the way people talk about their children's education today. My parents did care but more in a way that I was expected to do well.

I'm dyslexic and in fairness to my mum she worked really hard to get the diagnosis in primary school. I know IQ isn't a full repsentagion of intelligence but the diagnosis revealed I had a high IQ. So I was expected to do well but there was no gifted and talented etc.

Moving on to career stuff they hadn't been to uni but had what would now be degree level jobs. They really didn't know about RG or oxbridge (which I would have hated) they supported me to go to uni but not in selecting one or talking about jobs.

I actually did really well at uni then did an masters a few years after graduation. I've done fairly well at work in a vety precarious sector. But really I was juat left to my own devices. I really get why people who are from more professional middle class backgrounds get on better or more quickly. Even if they don't have connections in the sectors they kids are studying in. Parents will know more about the value of work experience and internships etc. Or even have the professional language to pass on to their children.

I'd I'm honest this slightly disengaged approach is just how my parents are though.

Lol at talking about dyslexia and making a typo on representation. Urgh

Who'd be a mother, eh?

Just be aware OP that - whatever you do - your children will blame you for their failures too.