Does anyone feel annoyed that their parents didn’t provide more support and guidance regarding education and careers?

[peaprotein]

I’m late thirties and have been living my life on autopilot, up until recently when I’ve had my own child and started questioning my own upbringing. I would like to think I’ve always had above average intelligence and real potential (at least that’s what my teachers said). My Dad was educated, and the breadwinner and had a very demanding career so wasn’t involved in our upbringing too much. My Mom is not educated at all and her dream was to have children. However, I now reflect and think she was quite a poor parent in many respects. I can elaborate on that further but she is very cold, unloving and critical to say the least. The one thing that bothers me the most though is that she never stressed the importance of a good education or career. She did not want me to go to university, said it wasn’t necessary and she knew many people who had been successful without going and encouraged me to apply for an apprenticeship which was well below my means. From then I have just continued to have very basic jobs and have had little life experience as in our culture you live with your parents until you get married which I didn’t do until my thirties. So I haven’t really known any better or different. Throughout my life she has compared me to others and how successful their careers have been which has always left me feeling rubbish. Forgetting that those people will have been parented very differently to me and had different opportunities and experiences. Now that I have my own child I am thinking about their future, and it has hit me that my Mom did next to nothing to nurture any talents or ability I had. At this point I don’t feel sorry for myself as I know I can and will begin to make changes as I am now so much more aware of certain things. But I’m still a bit miffed that ultimately my life could look very different career wise if she had provided me with better guidance and support. I know she was doing the best she could in many respects and I believe she too was raised by a very critical and unloving father so I see where this all comes from, still a bit of a tough pill to swallow though.

[quote peaprotein]@user1471457751 I fully agree. He has apologised and taken full responsibility for his part or lack thereof and I can truly understand why he did what he did. It was only ever to give his children a better life, so this I can be at peace with[/quote]
Was it though? Really?
And not because:

• he blindly just accept the role modelled in his culture?
• he was quite happy to avoid the often rather dull hands on job of parenting
• he actually enjoyed the success / personal kudos / whatever from his own career

I get where you’re coming from, but you’re letting him off the hook far too easily compared to your mother.

Parents are influenced by their own upbringing - perhaps she wanted to hold you back but it's probably why would DD want a different life, she is happy with hers . And if DF was out all the time at work she might not think that's s good future for you anyway.

@TwoAndAnOnion

So you had no access to the wider world, to see women on television going out to work, having careers nor did your school lay on careers fairs, bring in speakers, have careers advisors and drum home the importance of 5 A*-C and further education. Did none of your peers have and speak of aspirations? Your teachers said you had potential.

At my advanced years life is a whole catalogue of 'what ifs' - mainly what if I'd done something about it instead of coasting. You have to take charge of your own destiny, you have two thirds of your life still in front of you, you cant keep looking backwards

I don’t know about @peaprotein school, but mine didn’t, no careers officer or fairs, I don’t remember anyone passing GCSEs, it was a school in special measures or whatever it was called back then, in a council estate where if you had a job in one the local factories you’d made it, I left not knowing what A-Levels were and certainly not heard of a University!

Absolutely. Mum talked me out of my first choice (because it happened to be the same as a relative she hated - I didn't know this at the time as we rarely saw him and never spoke about him).

I think mum genuinely thought Id get married and be a housewife. haha. Dad was too busy and I suppose because he was very intelligent and self driven, he probably assumed I was the same. No, I was a bit disorganised, lazy and indecisive.

I don't know, I think you're projecting a lot on your mum. My parents weren't overly ambitious, were proud of my academic achievements but never spoke about careers, jobs, money or my future in general. That all had to come from me, they never held me back, but likewise never pushed me, to this day I know they think it's nuts I change my job every few years to get to the next level.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions, of course reflect on how you will do things differently for your children but to give up on yourself and blame your parents won't do you any good either. It's never too late to invest in your career, and that'll be the best way of modelling ambitious behaviours for your children.

Looking at the replies I think I know what my issue really is. It's my Mom still to this day throwing my 'failures' in my face time and time again. I can acknowledge my role and responsibility in this, she however will never and thinks she was and is mother of the year.

@peaprotein My parents were exactly the same. My father worked abroad from when I was 9, my mother was a SAHM until I was 20, when she was forced to get a job - forced being the operative word, she was not happy about it at all and always (and still does) felt my father 'owed' her complete financial support for her whole life for having had 3 children. She gave it up when my father left her for OW when I was 21. She was 47 then and hasn't worked since.

She expected me, her only daughter, to follow exactly in her footsteps, by having children as soon as I was married and also being a SAHM. Neither parent attended a parent/teacher evening after I was 6, we were actively discouraged from taking part in extracurricular activities, weren't allowed to bring friends home, etc. Never asked how schooling was going, no interest in what we were studying or homework, didn't even know when we were sitting exams and the only interest shown around the results were if they weren't as good as their relatives/friends children. It was made crystal clear they wouldn't be offering any financial assistance for university, and my father earned too much to qualify for grants (this was pre student loans).

I first attended university when I was 25 and now have 3 degrees. But my mother sees me as a failure as I haven't had children. Neither have my two brothers...

I think it is largely up to schools to open students' minds and aspirations beyond that which parents may have. Parents are often only familiar with their own niche and have little clue about the wide range of opportunities there are. (Sadly, so are many teachers). But I do think parents have a responsibility to support their children as far as they can in whatever career choice they make.

I agree that not everyone is suited to or will get the benefit from going to University. Many will though as it can be a mind-expanding and unique experience. Many can get very snobbish these days about going directly into work or an apprenticeship. All are valid choices.

But it is also never too late to change your mind.

I also wanted to be an archaeologist - I told my careers advice teacher. He said: I studied archaeology... don't do it because you will never get a job.

No I'm not annoyed as they didn't have the information background or knowledge to give us.
I am changing this for my DC, I've a small growing college saving fund for them.
It was rare for someone to go on to university around here in the 90's thankfully it has changed most DC are encouraged to gain skills for financial stability in life.

My parents had no interest in my education. I fell pregnant whilst still at school, moved out when I was 3 months pregnant and then finished my school year when ds was a month old. Then when he was 2 months old I started uni. Ds is now about to finish his law degree.

OP, was your mum educated in the same country as you? It sounds as though she may not have had the experience or knowledge to be able to effectively advise or guide you.

How she is treating you now - this is the thing to focus on, to talk to her about and see if this can change to improve your relationship.

The lack of education and career guidance 15 years ago, try to let that go.

Sounds like your problems stem from your mothers attitude and treatment towards you, rather than her ambiguous regards to your education.
My brothers were definitely ‘pushed’ more educationally than me and my sisters, but I studied a degree as a mature student, and took responsibility for my own education and don’t necessarily blame my parents.

@nokidshere

I’d also gently point out that in your late 30s you’ve been an adult for a long time. Yes, we’re all a product of our childhood but I don’t think we can put all of our adult disappointments on our parents and they can’t be held responsible for you “living your life on autopilot” as you describe. You do need to take your share of responsibility for how your adult life has been so far and if you feel like it can be better then looking forward with determination is more likely to achieve that than looking back in blame and regret.

I'd echo this sentiment but definitely not gently! You are a grown up. Past the age of 18 any decisions made in your life are yours. You've had plenty of time to change things round if that's what you want. It's lazy to look back and blame others. If you want to do something then get on and do it.

I'm sorry but that's all very well if you've had a loving upbringing. At 45, I'm only just realising just how much damage the poor parenting I received has caused. My mother was abusive, my father emotionally absent. In theory I was free at 18, when I moved out, but in reality the emotional entrapment lasted much longer, and was then followed by a period or recovery and finding who I really was. I get you OP!

My parents took education very seriously and encouraged us - we all went to university. However when it came to careers it was a different thing. By then my dad had left us and married someone else and just wanted to get on with his new life & new wife, while my mum had had no career so could not offer much by way of guidance.
My siblings did OK in this situation as they knew very young what they wanted in terms of careers and have both fulfilled those ambitions which had very clear career paths. But it's only looking back that I realise I really needed more guidance and no-one offered it. I have become particularly aware of this watching my DH give really excellent advice & support to our DCs as they find their way in the world.
I should add however that I consider it to be at least in part my own fault - I tried to look as if I was confident and knew what I was doing regarding careers, like my siblings, when in fact I was floundering about and quite lost. I felt at the time that I ought to be like my siblings and have it all sorted so I pretended I did, which seemed to be enough for my Dad who just wanted to think we were all OK so he could do his own thing with a clear conscience

My mother just never cared full stop!
We were consistently absent from school.
I think I had 16 days in school one year.
College or university wasn't allowed, we had to get jibs and hand over the money.
It was a grim situation but I got out and got educated and made a life.
My children never missed school, had a tutor when needed and had options.
One chose uni one chose an apprenticeship.
They not did amazing in their chosen option.

My (single, no dad influence) mother told me I'd never make it in my career or be able to do what I do now where I do it. Well, she was wrong. I not only exceeded every expectation ever put on me, but also made my dreams come true. My parents were not involved, I had to actively involve other people, badger my teachers and later lecturers.

I can't be annoyed at her, she didn't want me to succeed, so I did it to spite her instead. But I have been blessed with an incredibly stubborn personality, which has seen me through most challenges I've faced along the way.

Whilst I don't blame my parents exactly, I do feel that they palmed off education as being wholly the schools responsibility - for example my chat with my mum about 'birds n bees' went like this.

Are you having a class in reproduction this year? good, they will explain it all.

They didn't 'do' homework. They didn't do school events. School was just for me and didn't cross the doorstep into the house.

This extended to careers advice or what I wanted to do. They were not negative, they were not dismissive. They were just not present.

It could be argued that it made me more independent in that I had to fight for it, I had to research it had to go and get it. It was more stressful than it ever needed to be though as I wasn't supported.

What does irritate me is they will happily tell all and sundry what I do giving the impression they helped me get there and don't correct anyone.

My parents took no interest in my schooling or anything else. I don’t think they ever went it a parent evening. Have me no guidance about anything. Went I went to uni at 23, my father said I’d be lucky to get a 2:2. He didn’t attend my graduation.
A lot of people have shit parents. You can’t blame your parents for your life.

No.
Because they didn't know HOW to advise. They knew their world. How can they also know the wider world and what the future holds?
Parents are not all powerful, all knowing beings and that needs to be accepted in order to grow up oneself.

That’s very true. My parents hadn’t gone to Uni themselves and did not have parents who took much interest in their own upbringings.

Lol at the idea that all schools did careers fairs, outside speakers, and so on. We got a talk telling us we should go to university if we could, because it would enable us to meet a husband who would have a good career.

They weren't wrong, as it turns out but there was a little more to it!

My parents didn't guide me on that or want me to go to uni either. A few years of working in low paid jobs made me decide to turn things around for myself. My successes are my own, I wouldn't expect my parents to need to guide me through that. I guess they did teach me to be self sufficient enough to figure it out for myself though. Whilst parental support is nice, I don't think it's a requirement and I certainly wouldn't blame my parents for that. They didn't go to uni themselves so it wouldn't be something they would have necessarily pushed for.

Yep. My dad passed when I was a teen and my mum had started a new life with another man. I was left to my own devices while they carried on as they were. I really struggled. Very anxious all the time. Dropped a lot of my GCSE’s as I was struggling and dropped out of college in the first year in favour of drinking and partying. Never learnt to drive. My life was a mess, I had no adult input or anyone to talk to. Just didn’t know how to help myself at all.

Luckily, I got an apprenticeship and worked hard to turn it all around. But I wonder what I could’ve been capable of if things had been different.