Does anyone feel annoyed that their parents didn’t provide more support and guidance regarding education and careers?

[peaprotein]

I’m late thirties and have been living my life on autopilot, up until recently when I’ve had my own child and started questioning my own upbringing. I would like to think I’ve always had above average intelligence and real potential (at least that’s what my teachers said). My Dad was educated, and the breadwinner and had a very demanding career so wasn’t involved in our upbringing too much. My Mom is not educated at all and her dream was to have children. However, I now reflect and think she was quite a poor parent in many respects. I can elaborate on that further but she is very cold, unloving and critical to say the least. The one thing that bothers me the most though is that she never stressed the importance of a good education or career. She did not want me to go to university, said it wasn’t necessary and she knew many people who had been successful without going and encouraged me to apply for an apprenticeship which was well below my means. From then I have just continued to have very basic jobs and have had little life experience as in our culture you live with your parents until you get married which I didn’t do until my thirties. So I haven’t really known any better or different. Throughout my life she has compared me to others and how successful their careers have been which has always left me feeling rubbish. Forgetting that those people will have been parented very differently to me and had different opportunities and experiences. Now that I have my own child I am thinking about their future, and it has hit me that my Mom did next to nothing to nurture any talents or ability I had. At this point I don’t feel sorry for myself as I know I can and will begin to make changes as I am now so much more aware of certain things. But I’m still a bit miffed that ultimately my life could look very different career wise if she had provided me with better guidance and support. I know she was doing the best she could in many respects and I believe she too was raised by a very critical and unloving father so I see where this all comes from, still a bit of a tough pill to swallow though.

Agree you can’t keep blaming your parents or even the school years ago for lack of careers advice. I’m a product of a loving, but working class home and a grammar school in the 60s. My parents were in awe of the teachers and career advice for me consisted of do you want to be a nurse, a teacher or go into an office. None of my group of friends went to university. The concept was beyond my parents’ aspirations and frankly the school wasn’t very interested.

I went at 40 and had a professional career, doing post grad study along the way. I paid my own fees. There’s lots of second chances out there but you are the only one who can take them.

I'm not annoyed, but I do now recognise their limitations in this respect. Neither of them went to Uni. They both worked in pretty normal vocational / public service jobs (farming, nursing, teaching). They never really pushed me to be anything other than academically successful - so I focused on that and never stopped to wonder what I was actually interested in: I just worked hard, got good marks, and lapped up the praise. I went to Uni and came out the other side absolutely clueless about what to do next. They discouraged me from doing the kinds of jobs that they did... but they couldn't really advise how I should be doing 'more'. I really floundered after uni, trying to get a job in a very crowded field. So I ended up doing a Masters and a PhD (see no lack of brains!) but never wanted to be an academic, so that kind of fizzled out. I ended up meeting DH during the Masters, he qualified in his field, and we've travelled: now living o/seas with two children. I'm never going to 'use' my qualifications now. I don't have anything remotely resembling a career, just a job.

My parents never discussed money, or rent + mortgages, or anything like that. We lived in a tied house (to my dads job), all bills paid, so there was never any discussion about that. My mum felt like she missed her chance to go to Uni as her parents pushed her into teacher training so she could get a job quickly. So she made sure that my sister and I didn't feel pushed into a vocational career and didn't feel under pressure to bring home any money. But that backfired as we were far too sheltered from the financial reality of life and having to work and pay rent and pay bills! So we dilly-dallyed around doing more and more study without any real goal in mind.

I don't blame them, they did what they thought was right. I try to do differently for DSs but probably they'll feel I did something direly wrong in 20 years.

Agree you can’t keep blaming your parents or even the school years ago for lack of careers advice. I’m a product of a loving, but working class home and a grammar school in the 60s. My parents were in awe of the teachers and career advice for me consisted of do you want to be a nurse, a teacher or go into an office.
You were very lucky to come from a lovely family who had an interest and admiration for your teachers who sent you to a grammar school.
You had a strong foundation.
Some DC around here go to school hungry when they're sent.
They hear bad language and see violence at home sometimes addiction.
It was worse for DC back in my day older DC left school to feed siblings.
I couldn't wait to leave school to work so I'd have shoes and clothes.
I went at 40 and had a professional career, doing post grad study along the way. I paid my own fees. There’s lots of second chances out there but you are the only one who can take them.
The right support and foundation really helps.

There’s lots of second chances out there but you are the only one who can take them.

Your mother wasn't equipped to give you the support you feel you should have had. And given that you say you've been sleepwalking through life until now, it might be possible for you to understand that she simply didn't question the aspirations she was raised with.

You are absolutely young enough to continue your education and start a new career if you really want it. Better than ruminating on the past - and I promise you, in 30 years time your lovely little baby will have lots of things to blame you for too .

I agree that ruminating is not going to help op.

I can empathise and its only something I've realised in the last 5 years or so and I still don't have a clue how to fix my life.

We were too poor for me to go to uni, I had no advice about loans or how that worked, I just knew i couldn't afford it so couldn't go. So fucked up my exams as they seemed pointless (not blaming them for that bit) and just got a job, which i worked in to the top until i had kids but it wasn't compatible with children so i left and now just have a really shittily paid job.

I know I've been an adult for more than i was a child and need to deal with it and take responsibility for my future, but I've no idea how and i still don't have the money to do anything with my life.

Whyever didn't you follow the example of your bright determined father living in the same house? His role model right under your nose was that working hard at school could lead to training, a career, earning a living and financial independence.

Interesting one. My parents were very pro-academia. In fact they didn't really seem interested in us at all except to talk about school and exams. We did go to uni. It wasn't really a choice. I never really questioned if it was an option not to go. So my education was fully supported, which I am aware is a blessing.

But beyond that my parents were very closed minded. I think they had both led very sheltered lives and were older parents in whose generation things had been different: you got a degree, walked into a job straight after, and stayed there for life. I tried to tell them life wasn't like that any more and getting established in a career was much harder (this was 1990s - it is even harder for young people now!) but I got told I was being "lazy" and "difficult".

My mum chose my degree as she thought I should do my best subject (English). I didn't object but it became clear that she had already decided that after Uni I would come back to my home town and become a librarian. In her mind there were only three obvious choices for an English graduate: teaching English; journalism; or being a librarian. I was quiet and shy so she discounted the first two. Most of the last two years of my degree were spent managing her expectations that I did not want to be a librarian and it wasn't going to happen. I never went back to live in my home town either. I had the feeling I would end up trapped there with my mother planning out my life.

I worked in publishing for a while but later did a law diploma and qualified as a solicitor. I am now a partner. My parents have never congratulated me on my career. I'm not sure if it is because I refused to stay on the path they had chosen or other disapproval of lifestyle choices (I did not stop working when I had children which my parents think is rather disgusting and selfish.)

I agree with the PPs saying that try as you might, you will always get some parenting decisions wrong. I am fretting about my 16 year old son with ADHD (albeit quite intelligent) who is currently storming about saying if he fails his GCSEs he is not going to do retakes he is just going to get a job in Tesco warehouse. I am torn between listening to him and leaning on him to do his retakes. I do think it can't hurt though to do more listening than my parents did.

We just had the ‘you have to go to university to have a good career’

One thing I wish my parents had done was let me know I could have travelled, worked abroad and things like that.

@skirk64

I've long blamed school and their careers advice more than my parents. The message they kept telling us at school was "work hard and you'll succeed." Utter bullshit, hard work does not mean success. (It's hard to get success without working for it, but working hard for success doesn't mean it will come.)

They drummed into us how important it was to go to university - how it would give us an advantage all our lives. Again, utter nonsense. People I know left school at 16 and went to work, bought their own home about the time I was finishing university and got on the property ladder about ten years before I could. They'll be mortgage-free by their late 40s, I'll be mortgage-free by my late 60s.

It's more important to start work as soon as you can than to go to university. It's feasible for a 16yo school-leaver to have earned 80K or more by the time a 21yo leaves university. That is a massive head start, even if the graduate earns a couple of thousand a year more it will take most of their working life to catch up.

Yes this resonates with me but from the other direction. When I was in school in the 60s and early 70s, education was a way out of poverty and outcomes were better for people who were university educated. I therefore recommended this to the children I taught and my own children. Where I went wrong with my own children was to allow them to just choose a degree course they liked rather than with a job in mind. So the oldest has a degree which isn't much use. The youngest didn't go to uni in the end for various reasons.

I actually stopped recommending university to kids at school - I just stuck to my own subject. I think part of the problem might have been that we didn't have specialist careers support in school (we did in the 60s) so it was just an extra job for a hard-worked teacher who couldn't be expected to be an expert.

I did always encourage working hard and trying your best though - why wouldn't I?

@Bibidy

I do.

My mum and dad have always been good, loving parents but looking back now I feel like once I was out of primary school they didn't really have any active involvement in my education at all, beyond attending parents evening etc. They never helped/advised me in choosing subjects at school or for A-Levels, don't remember them taking an active interest in my exams or how much revision I was doing, although they always got me what I needed in terms of book etc. I guess I never asked them for assistance but equally they didn't take it upon themselves to now what was going on with school.

Luckily I got good results and knew I wanted to go to university so I sorted it out myself. No input from them in sorting out the forms etc, although I do appreciate that neither of them went to university so it's not something they were familiar with.

I know they would never have meant any harm by it and they'd be upset if I said any of this to them, but I do feel that I'm lucky that my educational life and career went the way it did as I could easily have done far worse at school given the lack to engagement from my parents in terms of making sure I was on track. Like, I genuinely don't think they ever even checked whether I had any homework, much less whether I'd completed it (which I frequently didn't).

My parents were exactly the same but having left school themselves at the end of primary school, it would have been very difficult for them to have been otherwise and I bare them no ill will for it. Instead I think how lucky I was to be born in an era where we had almost free third level education if you qualified for a grant, the capacity to do most of what you mentioned myself and peers who were on the third level track ( v important if the parental input is minimal). Your parents sound grand to be honest and if not actively supportive were loving and not negative - the latter is key to the OPs situation

My parents were exactly the same but having left school themselves at the end of primary school, it would have been very difficult for them to have been otherwise and I bare them no ill will for it. Instead I think how lucky I was to be born in an era where we had almost free third level education if you qualified for a grant, the capacity to do most of what you mentioned myself and peers who were on the third level track ( v important if the parental input is minimal). Your parents sound grand to be honest and if not actively supportive were loving and not negative - the latter is key to the OPs situation

Oh yes I totally agree, I love my parents and they have always done what they thought was best for me and supported me in various ways. I just wanted to comment to OP that she's not alone in terms of parents who weren't really engaged with the education process.

My mum and dad have always been mega proud of me and encouraged me to do well, they just didn't really involve themselves in the day-to-day of my education in the way that lots of other parents did, and do.

I do think that there's a generational divide at play here.
However, you must have known that to succeed , you must study, and study hard as well as choosing the right pathway for you.

You cannot blame someone else for where you are in life.

My parents were a bit clueless about study, school and higher education but I was just desperate to go to University because my friend had gone. I didn't do particularly well at school because I didn't really know how to revise or anything like that but this was the 90s and everyone was going to Uni. Thanks, Tony Blair!

I really learned how to study and how to be truly ambitious at university and in the following years. I got a bit of a daft degree but a decent result in it and just kept going. I'm the most successful of my siblings but I was a bit more driven. To be honest, we've all done ok.

I don't think your mum has particularly helped you but there's not much point blaming her. You could argue that you didn't take enough interest in your own future and could have been more proactive at looking at your options and having your own dreams and aspirations.

It's never too late though! As others have said, you just need to look forward now. What's happened is in the past and you have everything to aim for in the future. Good luck!

My mother was SO SUPPORTIVE 😛 she said when I was 18 I could only go to University if I did a degree in something she would be proud off like a nurse!!! I’m wasn’t interested in being a nurse. fast forward to the ripe of age of 41 and I went to University and studied Criminology something I am interested in.

Just to add though - your mum throwing your 'failures' in your face is just awful. You're obviously not a failure and for any mother to say that to their child is despicable.

Go off and prove her wrong. And next time she criticises you tell her only time will tell if you can make a real success of your further education and career, but that you'll certainly not fail at motherhood.

I went to a grammar school (80s) and it was drummed into us that we HAD to go to Uni to be successful - rubbish!
My parents didn't take any interest in any career choice - I really wanted to join the police - my mother said it was a stupid job for a girl ' walking about when you have period pain'
Foolishly I listened! We did listen more to our parents then?!

My dm was very interested in education. Always involved in school work etc but she didn't want us to go to university as she was anxious they couldn't afford it as we had a big family. She did her very best to guide us into good Civil Service jobs so we would be secure. We all ignored her and went to university as we were mad to go there for the adventure as well as the careers. She got us through somehow.
I think if you really wanted to go nothing would stop you..

It's a shame that your mum didn't value education and career as strongly as you would like.

However, in your 30's, you cannot put all of your failures in life down to your parents. If you want to improve your career prospects then you can.

My mum's attitude was 'you MUST get good a-level results, you MUST go to a "good" uni NOT an ex-poly, ideally you should do a "traditional" academic degree. Then you will be able to Get A Good Job'
No guidance whatsoever on what that job might have been, I knew from a young age that I didn't want to be a teacher like her so she had no advice 😂
My mum was part of the first big wave of grammar school kids to go to uni in the 60s, she walked out of uni and straight into teaching.
She still finds it very hard to comprehend that things are very different now and having a degree often isn't enough on its own to start you off in a decent career.

I don't hold it against them but know where you're coming from op.
My parents were not university educated,, dad did a boring straight from school office job mum stayed at home after kids but also had a typist job in an office that would be obsolete now.

I benefitted from school in the 90s there were no fees for university unfortunately it was at the tail end of the days when a degree "guaranteed a job". I drifted until retraining again in healthcare.

My parents offered no advice either way in what to do after school and it's only now as an adult that I realised what a range of careers I could have tried. I will certainly be making sure my dc are aware of different options and that doesn't necessarily mean university if it isn't linked to a career.

Neither of my parents were educated past 16. They didn’t value education as in those days there was no need to go to uni to get a good job. However, as parents they also showed absolutely no interest in the education of myself or any of my three siblings, to the extent they didn’t care or want to know what our O Level results were. I don’t know if that was just how it was in those days or whether my parents were just not interested. There was no reading at bedtime or checking that homework was done, they didn’t even bother going to parents evenings.

I was the only one to go on to Uni and my dad was vehemently against it saying it was a waste of time. As a result he refused to help financially, thankfully there were no uni fees in those days so I was able to support myself working weekends and holidays. I recently found out from my younger brother that my dad who I always had a strained relationship with when younger and now I do not have any relationship at all, used to brag about his ‘daughter’ with the good job and nice house (just a regular 3 bed semi!) almost like he was taking credit for what I achieved on my own.
Times are different now, and as a parent myself I know exactly which GCSEs and A Levels both my DS’s are doing and they both know that I am there to support them, but ultimately what the choose to do or not do will be down to them, but as a parent I cannot imagine not being invested in my children’s education.

I think that for working class people ‘teachers’ were professionals like solicitors, doctors etc.and were not to be questioned or their judgement challenged. I knew nobody who had been to university and was the first in my family to go, even at an advanced age. Unless you were particularly bright or a teacher took a real interest in your progress, university just wasn’t something we aspired to. It wasn’t our parents’ fault. We had no idea how you became a doctor or solicitor, no contacts for work experience.

My Dad offered no advice whatsoever. My mum was pretty useless too - suggested hair, beauty, fitness instructor etc. None of which I was remotely interested in.

I was pretty academic and had done well at school but I just had no guidance or direction from them at all.

As such a put myself through uni in my 20s and had no financial assistance from either of them.

Now that I'm a parent I look back and think god, how could they have been so apathetic?

Mine were very very keen on my education, but didn't try to push me towards any particular career. I decided age 12 what job I wanted to do, never changed my mind and am still doing it age 49. DF wasn't entirely in favour at the time, but has since mellowed and changed his mind!