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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For rejecting my mother's offer to care for my child?

65 replies

Bugsmum88 · 10/05/2021 10:01

Okay, so I usually lurk but I came here to post because I need some unbiased feedback.

I have a 15 month old son. We moved to be closer to my family when he was about 4 months old and it Involved living with my parents for an extended period until we could buy our own home.

There were boundary issues from day one in regards to my mother stepping in and interfering with our parenting.

Fast forward to now. My son goes to childcare 2 days a week and has been going to my parents 1 day a week. My mum has made it clear the she objects to him going to childcare (just near my house) and pounces on anything I say - like the fact that he cries when we drop him off and sometimes when we pick him up - to insinuate that he is too young.

My son loves his day with his grandparents but the problem is, they are always at least 15 minutes late to pick him up (husband has car so can't drop off). I think they think that because I work from home, it doesn't matter but it does - he doesn't understand that Mummy has meetings to attend. Last week they were half an hour late. They stay up really late and struggle with mornings so I even adjusted my work hours.

They are in their 70s and my son is full on so with this all in mind we suggested that we could put him in childcare for another day. They seemed happy with the idea of seeing him two afternoons a week instead.

When we brought it up again yesterday, my husband suggested it would be great if they wanted to see him on days when I am not working to give me a chance to sleep or catch up on housework (my son still wakes frequently, we have a new puppy and my husband is a shift worker, so I am both tired and busy). My mum objected and said she wanted to take him out of daycare half way through the day. I was okay with this on just one day.

She called today and said that they now want to take him out early on all three days he is in daycare because she feels he is too young to be there all day.

I am furious about this ultimatum. My son enjoys daycare and constantly pulling him out feels disruptive and not to mention costly. Mostly this feels manipulative with a heavy implication that I am a bad mum for asking them to take him for a few hours on days I am not at work.

But am I doing the right thing by my son if I say no thankyou to the conditional help? I would never stop them from visiting but I don't want any kind of agreement anymore.

What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 10/05/2021 10:03

Yabu to even consider giving in to her demands..
What next is what you should be asking..
His diet?
His school?
She has raised her dc her way.
Now it's your turn.

Original poster

Bugsmum88 · 10/05/2021 10:04

I should say the ultimatum is that they will take him out of daycare on all three days or not at all.

OP posts:

bluebluezoo · 10/05/2021 10:05

Yep if you can afford it use daycare when you need reliable childcare. They can step back into grandparent role and see him outside those times.

I had similar with mil. Just keep repeating, no, he’s in nursery that day.

OwlIsBeingAnOwl · 10/05/2021 10:06

They're way too involved. Set your boundaries clearly and firmly - looks like you've been going back and forth a bit in response to their whims.

bluebluezoo · 10/05/2021 10:06

I should say the ultimatum is that they will take him out of daycare on all three days or not at all

Not at all then. Simple.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/05/2021 10:06

Think about what you think would work best and ask them for that.

If they say no, then tough on them.

Being in their 70s and not morning people does sound tricky!

In essence, don't be afraid to ask for what works best for you and your son.

idontlikealdi · 10/05/2021 10:07

Why on earth are the so involved? Pay for childcare, end of.

sausagedogg · 10/05/2021 10:07

Don't have them for childcare at all. It's not worth it. Book an extra half day of nursery if you need a rest.

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 10:08

It is going to be better for him to have a chance to get used to day care rather than be pulled out all the time. You need to call their bluff and just say OK not at all then, and actually even the 1 day doesn't work for you any more as you can't keep being late for work.

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 10/05/2021 10:08

Yes. They’ve made it easy for you. Not at all.
They can see him at other times of course.

TwoAndAnOnion · 10/05/2021 10:09

I don't like ultimatums, that would really push my buttons. I would be using reliable daycare, your parents are not reliable.

I suppose the other alternative is perhaps if nursery did half days, he could go AM and the Ps could have him PM?

Chickenlickeninthepot · 10/05/2021 10:09

Why would you want them to look after him? They don't turn up on time, overstep the mark, make comments to you about your parenting choices. Nope, I'd be calling daycare and telling to take them off the collection list and stick to family visits at the weekend/days off.

DenisetheMenace · 10/05/2021 10:10

Cheeky woman!
Wouldn’t dream of doing this to our daughter/grandson.
Not wanting to be ageist but I would also question the ability of people in their 70s to provide the very full on, intense physical and emotional concentration that a 15 month old needs. I’m a fit, healthy 57 but would struggle with three days a week.
Stick with nursery, better for everyone.

frazzledasarock · 10/05/2021 10:11

Stick to your boundaries. Don't let her remove your Ds form daycare half way through the day, that will really unsettle him

My DC used to do a big wailing and weeping theatrics when we'd drop her off to nursery, then she'd be happily playing, then when we'd go pick her up and she'd be playing and giggling the second she'd catch sight of us she'd throw herself on the floor and wail as if she was utterly tortured. We used to find it very funny, once we realised she was doing it for effect.

Nursery would send me pictures throughout the day to reassure me she was doing fine as I was so worried she was having trouble settling in and she was perfectly fine. And loves nursery and the carers.

billy1966 · 10/05/2021 10:11

Absolutely not.

Pull back from your parents.

There behaviour is appalling OP.

Who does your mother think she is.

Her views are more important that yours regarding your child.

I would end relying on them in any way and see them ONLY on your terms, when it suits you.

Your mother is a bully.

Don't give in to her.

Stay strong.
She will only get worse.

TheGumption · 10/05/2021 10:15

I'm not sure why you'd even entertain this.
"That won't work for us. He enjoys his time at daycare so we will stick to the current arrangement. If that doesn't work for you, he can go to daycare more instead."
End of. Fin. No negotiation.

Original poster

Bugsmum88 · 10/05/2021 10:16

Your responses are eye opening. Thank you. I honestly cannot tell you how reassuring this is. Time for some firm boundaries!

OP posts:

Topseyt · 10/05/2021 10:18

@Bugsmum88

I should say the ultimatum is that they will take him out of daycare on all three days or not at all.

Your mother has inadvertently given you the correct answer right there so don't be afraid to use it.

Tell her straight "Not at all then" and watch her become incredulous. Do it though, and also tell the nursery that he is not to be allowed to go with his grandparents unless YOU have given specific permission on any given day.

If you don't then she will walk all over you at any given opportunity.

Will she be making decisions on his schooling next? She is far too involved.

TillyTopper · 10/05/2021 10:19

Can you afford 3 days of daycare? If so I'd definitely use that and then you don't have problems with the pick up. He can socialise with friends at daycare and she doesn't get to interfere in your parenting. He still has you the rest of the time and will be fine. However, I would try going a bit more LC than you are and not be looking for her to take your DC when you aren't working.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/05/2021 10:23

Agree with other posters, stay firm on the childcare. Your DM is guilt tripping you by saying he is “too young” to manipulate you into her taking over as “grandmother knows best”.

It’s obvious especially when she turned down having him so you can have a break. It’s not about helping you or being there for your grandson, it’s her wanting to be in control.

ChocOrange1 · 10/05/2021 10:24

@Bugsmum88

I should say the ultimatum is that they will take him out of daycare on all three days or not at all.

I guess it's not at all then. No skin off your nose if you know he is happy there and you can afford it.

Pottedpalm · 10/05/2021 10:30

You sere happy to live in your parents’ home for an ‘extended period’. Did you pay?
You are taking free (presumably) child care?
Oh, and being in your 70s is not old! Many , many of my friends are in their 70s and still propping up their DC with free childcare. Most of the DC are more than grateful.

Pottedpalm · 10/05/2021 10:33

@DenisetheMenace

Cheeky woman! Wouldn’t dream of doing this to our daughter/grandson. Not wanting to be ageist but I would also question the ability of people in their 70s to provide the very full on, intense physical and emotional concentration that a 15 month old needs. I’m a fit, healthy 57 but would struggle with three days a week. Stick with nursery, better for everyone.

You are being ageist.

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 10:36

Make it clear to nursery if you don't want your child picked up in case she tries it

Original poster

Bugsmum88 · 10/05/2021 10:42

@Pottedpalm yes it was for free and yes I don't pay them to look after my son. We offered but they would not accept.
We moved up to be near them, not because we needed them financially. They were great about letting us stay and this is why the issues is complex.

They are slowing down and they have told me repeatedly how tired they are at the end of the day but it's not about their age - I trust them with my son. I don't think they should be spending their retirement looking after grandkids but they say that he is their greatest joy.

Tge reason I am so confused is because we have accepted so much help from them - but the boundaries have been blurred and this is just one example. It is our fault as much as theirs.

OP posts:

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