For rejecting my mother's offer to care for my child?

[Bugsmum88]

Okay, so I usually lurk but I came here to post because I need some unbiased feedback.

I have a 15 month old son. We moved to be closer to my family when he was about 4 months old and it Involved living with my parents for an extended period until we could buy our own home.

There were boundary issues from day one in regards to my mother stepping in and interfering with our parenting.

Fast forward to now. My son goes to childcare 2 days a week and has been going to my parents 1 day a week. My mum has made it clear the she objects to him going to childcare (just near my house) and pounces on anything I say - like the fact that he cries when we drop him off and sometimes when we pick him up - to insinuate that he is too young.

My son loves his day with his grandparents but the problem is, they are always at least 15 minutes late to pick him up (husband has car so can't drop off). I think they think that because I work from home, it doesn't matter but it does - he doesn't understand that Mummy has meetings to attend. Last week they were half an hour late. They stay up really late and struggle with mornings so I even adjusted my work hours.

They are in their 70s and my son is full on so with this all in mind we suggested that we could put him in childcare for another day. They seemed happy with the idea of seeing him two afternoons a week instead.

When we brought it up again yesterday, my husband suggested it would be great if they wanted to see him on days when I am not working to give me a chance to sleep or catch up on housework (my son still wakes frequently, we have a new puppy and my husband is a shift worker, so I am both tired and busy). My mum objected and said she wanted to take him out of daycare half way through the day. I was okay with this on just one day.

She called today and said that they now want to take him out early on all three days he is in daycare because she feels he is too young to be there all day.

I am furious about this ultimatum. My son enjoys daycare and constantly pulling him out feels disruptive and not to mention costly. Mostly this feels manipulative with a heavy implication that I am a bad mum for asking them to take him for a few hours on days I am not at work.

But am I doing the right thing by my son if I say no thankyou to the conditional help? I would never stop them from visiting but I don't want any kind of agreement anymore.

What do you think? AIBU?

Your child, your decision.

There's no working with someone like this.

I should say the ultimatum is that they will take him out of daycare on all three days or not at all.

Just no. They sound totally unreliable. If you agree to this, I can see them deciding the odd afternoon not wanting to do it and then you have lost your place. Or they could turn up late and put the nursery in a difficult position. Also while I don’t know about your nursery, many charge more than 50% of fees for half days.

Yes let them be grandparents and see and take the DC out when it suits them and not when you need to rely on them.

I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh but why are you involving your parents in your decisions so much?

Discuss with your DH the childcare that works for you, which sounds like nursery and just don’t put/keep your parents on the collection list if they can’t respect boundaries.

Why on earth did you move closer to them? They are behaving appallingly. You and DH are the parents, they don’t get to decide anything!

No way..put him in nursery for all your working days. Its disruptive for him any other way. If they want to be involved on days off or weekend then that's their choice. As someone said make sure nursery know they are not allowed to pick him up. Stand your ground.

Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money.

Favours and family involvement can be great if everyone is on the same page but if not the “cost” can be worse than the financial cost of getting a professional to do it.

It sounds like you and your mum aren’t on the same page so time to say thanks for the help so far but we’ll be using the nursery from now.

They are way too involved with the logistics of YOUR child's care. You need to have him at nursery and let him see them at other times.

Use childcare while you and Dh are both working. Do not allow them to take him out for half days. That is unfair on the child as he's settled there, unfair on you as you still have to pay for a full day in case they can't collect him, and unfair on the nursery if they aren't consistent in collecting him on time. When you or Dh are free to bring dc to visit your parents then do so. Or invite them over for a visit at the weekend. They don't get a say in childcare decisions or any other decisions relating to your dc.

@Pbbananabagel

My DC has been going to nursery since 15months and has absolutely flourished, my niece has been going since 9 months and at 3.5 developmentally, is streets ahead of a friends DC the exact same age who stayed at home till 2. and I mean, streets ahead in language, comprehension, understanding of basic maths, social skills- everything.

My DTs were at home until they went to Kindergarten. They were streets ahead of friends’ children in all areas of development. However, this is anecdotal evidence of the superiority of home care, and is meaningless. As is your anecdote.

How do you feel about the care they give your DS when they have him?

If you just look at the issue of whether short days in daycare are acceptable, I think that would be fine. At 15 months, he doesn't know how long his day would normally be so he wouldn't be unsettled by leaving early and they are already established caregivers for him so there are no issues there. It won't make much difference to him whether he's in daycare or grandparent care if they are both doing a good job. It won't cost you any more for them to take him early either as the daycare fees wouldn't change.

It think their attitude to you is a different matter. If it leads to them failing to respect your wishes or acting as if they are the parents, YANBU to severely limit the time they spent with him.

"Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money."

Wise words!

OP, use her ultimatum to your advantage - 'none at all'.

And do try to shake off the feeling of gratitude you have for "living with my parents for an extended period until we could buy our own home" because it sounds to me as if your mother is using it against you, otherwise you'd have no problem in enforcing your boundaries. If it involves buying them a Thank You gift as suggested here earlier, do it - whatever allows you to draw a line under it and to start again.

I am my DD'S childcare. One is now in school the other in part time care. I make up what my DD needs and I recognise how tiring this age is and help out to suit her. I wouldn't dream of giving ultimatums, even though I've felt a bit unhappy at times. You're either helping your child to get through the tough early years or you aren't.

I don’t negotiate with dickheads so if someone tried this with me I’d tell them that it’s fine, we’ll see them when we see them, their childcare isn’t required at all.