For rejecting my mother's offer to care for my child?

[Bugsmum88]

Okay, so I usually lurk but I came here to post because I need some unbiased feedback.

I have a 15 month old son. We moved to be closer to my family when he was about 4 months old and it Involved living with my parents for an extended period until we could buy our own home.

There were boundary issues from day one in regards to my mother stepping in and interfering with our parenting.

Fast forward to now. My son goes to childcare 2 days a week and has been going to my parents 1 day a week. My mum has made it clear the she objects to him going to childcare (just near my house) and pounces on anything I say - like the fact that he cries when we drop him off and sometimes when we pick him up - to insinuate that he is too young.

My son loves his day with his grandparents but the problem is, they are always at least 15 minutes late to pick him up (husband has car so can't drop off). I think they think that because I work from home, it doesn't matter but it does - he doesn't understand that Mummy has meetings to attend. Last week they were half an hour late. They stay up really late and struggle with mornings so I even adjusted my work hours.

They are in their 70s and my son is full on so with this all in mind we suggested that we could put him in childcare for another day. They seemed happy with the idea of seeing him two afternoons a week instead.

When we brought it up again yesterday, my husband suggested it would be great if they wanted to see him on days when I am not working to give me a chance to sleep or catch up on housework (my son still wakes frequently, we have a new puppy and my husband is a shift worker, so I am both tired and busy). My mum objected and said she wanted to take him out of daycare half way through the day. I was okay with this on just one day.

She called today and said that they now want to take him out early on all three days he is in daycare because she feels he is too young to be there all day.

I am furious about this ultimatum. My son enjoys daycare and constantly pulling him out feels disruptive and not to mention costly. Mostly this feels manipulative with a heavy implication that I am a bad mum for asking them to take him for a few hours on days I am not at work.

But am I doing the right thing by my son if I say no thankyou to the conditional help? I would never stop them from visiting but I don't want any kind of agreement anymore.

What do you think? AIBU?

Many , many of my friends are in their 70s and still propping up their DC with free childcare. Most of the DC are more than grateful.

Are they telling their children how to raise their children?

Providing support for your children doesn’t give you carte blanche to interfere in their lives and expect them to be grateful for that.

If my parents gave me this ultimatum, my choice would be to stop using them for childcare.

Don’t budge OP. You need reliable childcare, no offence to your mother but she’s seriously letting you down.
You’ve already adjusted your hours to accommodate her late mornings.

Don’t give in to her emotional blackmail, she can see your son the other days (which she refused).
Why is she insisting on having him only when you’re working?

And as for the ageist comments- no disrespect to older people but good luck with full on feisty bolter- you need to have very quick reaction literally to save child’s life.

Your Mother is a bully and has no issue putting her own needs above her child.

Whereas you are a brilliant Mother who has no doubt about putting her son first.

Your Mum is being manipulative and is not a good grandmother. If she was then she would do what is best for her grandson.

She's made her position very clear. This isn't about providing help to you or enriching your baby - it's about her. Simply tell her you don't accept the proposition, so it's unfortunately not at all.

She thinks you are a push over - you are not. Your son, your rules. You won't play games with your little boy's development.

If it makes it kinder in your eyes just say you feel lines are a bit blurred and you want them firmly in the dgps camp not free child care...

Not at all it is, then!

Your mother it seems is using 'favours' and childcare as a way to control you and your child.She has been very helpful and allowed you to live there, and take of your child but it comes with strings attached and conditions. And now you know what those conditions are - it is time to step back.

By a gift and a thank you for your stay - and forget about owing her. You have said thank you and that is the end of it.

I would do the same for the childcare and enrol him in nursery for as long or as little as you wish, and create some distance.

She may kick up a stink, but most likely she won't, she will find another way to 'help' you. I would think twice before accepting any future kindness and goodwill from your mother as she will always call the debt in, and it won't always be something you are willing to give. Manipulative.

It is your child op. You and dh decide not her.

*buy

I have different but similar issue with my mum and it causes difficulty
I find it helpful to rember that these come from a deep place of worry anxiety and a feeling to mother all of you.
I do have to have some difficult conversations.
I think you have ti sit down calmly and say how much you love and value her opinion but on x areas this is what is happening. It helps if your dad can also mediate. And reassert bou daries. My dad frequently reminds mum its my baby in a slightly light hearted way.
Try not to let things escalate even though you may be feeling g really irritated and belittled
We get through them by remembering that we love each other and also we are quite similar.

Your child, your decision and the sooner you stop them interfering the better. They’re not even very good at childcare.

Not her choice. She no longer has any childcare.

Even if she would look after your DC fabulously, there is a huge benefit to going to a childcare setting with other children, especially in the midst of a pandemic when it can be difficult to socialise with other children at home.

Absolutely push back.
They were doing childcare for you to be able to work - but that was not working as they were not reliable.
You are thus increasing the amount of paid childcare you have, because it is necessary while you work.

It is YOUR DC, not theirs. You are now a grown up and get to make your own decisions.
As the parents, you and DH make the decisions that best suit your DC and overall family situation.

You have taken these decisions carefully, and it is not for them to lay down demands and upset your arrangements for their convenience.

But she won't agree to having him to let you have a rest...
It ends there for me.

Book the childcare for all 3 days. Book 4 if you can afford it so you can have a day off in the week and your thoughtful dh can have time at weekend.
Grandparent contact time is important obviously but not under threats like that.

My DC has been going to nursery since 15months and has absolutely flourished, my niece has been going since 9 months and at 3.5 developmentally, is streets ahead of a friends DC the exact same age who stayed at home till 2. and I mean, streets ahead in language, comprehension, understanding of basic maths, social skills- everything.

Change the collection information at nursery to ONLY you and your husband. Tell nursery that unless you or dad tells them directly that Grandparents are NOT permitted to collect.

Urgh tell them no afternoons then!!

If she comes crawling back tell her the offer is now one afternoon only and if she wants more it will be on your non-working days or not at all.

Call their bluff and say "not at all"
I paid for every minute of childcare but watching numerous colleagues I learned there was a price to be paid for free childcare.
Simply say, that's not happening and book him in the extra day. It may well help him settle.

It would be childcare all the way for me, you know where you stand, it's reliable.

Tbh all I can think is that I must be such a wimp as I have dgs (almost 2) two days a week whilst dd works and I am absolutely exhausted at the end of each day in my mid fifties. The prospect of doing childcare in my seventies makes me want to cry tbh.

This isn't about childcare it is about control.

Against the grain here, but could it be a communication issue?

My DH pointed out to me (when I was venting about my parents) that I usually phrase things as questions or areas for discussion, rather than saying "we've decided x would work best for us, does it work for you?"

I can't tell you how much better my relationship has been with my DPs since I started acting as if I had confidence in my own decisions, rather than fishing for their approval.

this is control, not childcare.

if you can afford it, book your child at nursery 3x a week, and tell them not at all

stand firm, their attitude is unacceptable

She has already shown that she doesn’t respect your boundaries and if you give into an ultimatum now you will undoubtedly live to regret it so I would say not at all then.