To be completely and utterly exhausted and overwhelmed?

[wishes1992]

It's going to be a long one so thank you in advance to anyone who replies or reads ♥️

I'm 29, DH 30. Multiple miscarriages since early 20s when we got married.

I have had anxiety and depression since I was a young teen due to traumatic childhood. I speak to my Mum a couple of times a week however she is an alcoholic and I still worry about her as an adult.

My Dad has 3 younger younger children (in their early teens) and I have a good relationship with him and them although he lives 20 miles away.

DH is a great person, my first love, annoys the shit out of me sometimes but don't we all! He has always worked 6/7 day weeks, since he was a 16 and could do that. He's set up his own business which is doing great and I'm so thankful considering the circumstances of the last year. It means he's not at home often.

I work 40 hours a week but with my 1 hour drive there and 1 hour drive home, I'm leaving at 7:15 and getting home at 18:30-19:00. DH cooks and we eat about 8pm then by the time I have a shower, I'm too tired to watch tv and just want to go to bed.

I feel constantly exhausted, not normally tired but constantly and it's in my whole body, my head, my back, my legs, sometimes mumble my words because I feel that out of energy.

My Saturday is spent cleaning and doing laundry (I don't mind as DH is working, if he has the rare Saturday or Sunday off he helps me) but that's once in a blue moon. Sunday comes and if he has it off, again, rare but if he does I'm just too tired to think/do anything.

I know this really isn't normal, I do have an autoimmune disease but they're not quite sure which one. I feel I have no time for myself at all.

If I don't clean, I get anxiety, so it's a vicious circle. We have a dog and cat so I sweep the floors in the week, clean toilet, kitchen is wiped down every day after dinner then do a big clean on a Saturday.

I have begged DH to let me have a cleaner, just for a couple of hours a week but he says no even though we have the money. It means with my anxiety, I would be able to actually leave the house on Saturday/see friends etc.

Nobody comes to visit me, not my Mum or Dad

Posted by accident!

They say it's too far to come and the only time I see them is when I do the drive over.

I really want to start the gym again and swimming but I get home in the evenings and crash.

I quite often drive home in tears because I cannot shake how mentally and physically tired I am and I have no idea why.

Is anyone else completely overwhelmed with life like this? I don't know how anyone has time to watch tv series, see friends, see family, clean, cook, work etc. I just can't see how I can ever achieve this and it's making me miserable 😢

I also want to add we are not trying for a baby currently and won't be for the next 2 years.

What cleaning is he doing?

What is the reasoning for not having a cleaner?

Hello

Firstly, do you have to work all those hours? Is there any scope for either of you to reduce? Can DH take on an apprentice or a partner or subcontract to split the workload?

Your relationship - and life - isn't balanced at the moment. Frankly, if I couldn't downsize my job, then I would be announcing there would be a cleaner or at least outsourcing the laundry and /or ironing. It would be non negotiable.

IMHO, your problems are far larger, there is no communication and no understanding of how you feel.

TBH, I would be resuming the gym, friends, family and when chores aren't done, then he can see how much you put in. Although I'm guessing he would say he is working long hours also.

I had a different story but can relate to so much of what you wrote, I was in a similar place around your age. Also one long-term relationship, many miscarriages, difficult childhood and difficult relationships with parents.

I was diagnosed with autism eventually which helped me understand how I couldn't deal with the world as well as everyone else. I too collapsed in tears and exhaustion at the end of every day. Understanding it has helped me to go more easy on myself.

I'm sure others will post more helpfully than I can, but to me a cleaner sounds like an absolutely common sense solution - and I'd be sincerely telling DH that it's that or you will have a nervous breakdown.

It sounds like you probably need to eat earlier too perhaps?

(Also, and sorry, I've realised I didn't actually say this - but what a rotten time of it you've had. I really do feel for you )

Go to the GP tell them about the fatigue and get checked for iron and vitamin deficiency.

40hours is a lot. Do you like your job? Would you consider looking for something nearer home and/or less hours?

You sound utterly exhausted. When you’re that tired and worn down, everything seems impossible: it’s all you can do to get through the day.

I would go and see your doctor about the exhaustion and also begin figuring out how/where you can simplify your life. Get a cleaner: use the time you save to see friends and family, exercise or just rest. Is it possible you could get a job closer to home and reduce your commute? Or drop to four days a week?

Start carving out time for yourself - and speak to your DH very directly about how tired and unwell you feel. He needs to support you.

Get a cleaner! Why is it only your DHs decision? Especially as you’re the one doing the cleaning!

FWIW I had a lot of trouble getting pregnant with DD1. I suspect, looking back, it was my very stressful job and long commute that caused it.

He can’t tell you you aren’t allowed a cleaner! That’s ridiculous. You earn money - you’ve got a choice in how you spend it!

Sorry, pressed “post” too soon. I also have lupus and once that was under control I felt a lot less absolutely wrecked but I had to really push for a diagnosis and treatment. It took a long time and it involved sometimes being quite bulshy with my GP.

In your situation I definitely would get a cleaner, it may be a little bit of an 'over ruling' moment (I don't generally advocate this!). This may help and you'll be able to show how much it has helped with your energy levels, motivation and anxiety.

You sound quite lonely. Would moving closer to work or your parents/family be possible? (Although this is usually easier said than done).

I've had times when I've felt how you describe and it's hard to see through the fog. There's always a reason not to do something and but small changes can make a big difference.

Don't "ask" your DH for a cleaner. Tell him that you've arranged one - or don't bother telling him. He works all hours, as do you, so actually you could just book a cleaner and not mention it. He wont know, and you will feel better

So just hire a cleaner, if your DH isn’t there he won’t know will he.

He either pitches in with the cleaning or he hires a cleaner. If he refuses to do it, you go ahead and do it instead.

DH refused a cleaner. I forced him to accept a trial period. We kept the cleaner...

No point working those hours if you don’t see a benefit from it

Yes get a cleaner, also go to the gp, the fatigue could be down to iron or vitamin deficiency. Also extreme fatigue and infertility are both signs of silent celiac, so worth getting checked.

Auto immune diseases drain every drop of energy from you if they are not treated, so take some hope that when they get on the right medication regime, things can and will improve on the fatigue front.

Make sure you have your vitamin d levels checked as it's very common in AI diseases to have very low levels and that just adds to the fatigue.

Tell your DH that you will be getting a cleaner and if he doesn't like it then he can do all the cleaning himself when he gets in from work. If he still refuses then I'd be questioning how he actually felt about me.

I have autoimmune diseases and associated depression and anxiety. You need a cleaner and probably iron and vitamin D. Your DH is being thoughtless and selfish IMO.

A few suggestions for you OP,

Hire a cleaner, if he doesn't want one he cleans not expect you to do it all.
Any chance you can car share for the commute and take turns driving?
Long term look at getting a job closer to home, people underestimate how exhausting a long commute can be. Yours is adding an extra twenty hours a week to your working life. I have done those kind of hours it was hellish.
Seek help for your anxiety, it will be stopping you from truly relaxing in any down time you have, your body will be constantly braced for the next "thing" with untreated anxiety.
See your GP and have your iron levels checked, full set of bloods will be helpful.
Finally be kind to yourself, you have had a tough few years with loss, worry about your mum and a largely physically absent partner, give yourself a break.

If you want a cleaner just hire a cleaner. You work 40 hrs a week so you must have some of your own money, if you want a cleaner get one.

Does your DH control all your spending? And your time? Why does your DH feel you should be spending your Saturdays cleaning when you are already exhausted

It sounds very difficult OP, no wonder your exhausted. Spending your Saturday resting and enjoying yourseld rather than sorting the house will improve your life no end

Thank you so much everyone, I feel so alone but it's nice to have people like you all to talk to and I'm sorry that some of you are struggling too.

I am on the highest dose of Venlafaxine antidepressants after my 10 year bout on citalopram just seemed to stop working. I take high dose vitamin D every morning. I do think I may be low on iron as I have endometriosis and lose a lot of blood, I've recently had the coil fitted so I'm hoping for some relief.

We are paying off debt at the moment and I earn a good wage considering I only have GCSE qualifications (£1700 per month). DH is an electrician and earns good money and we are working hard to pay the debts off so I do understand to a certain extent the cleaner will be a luxury that isn't essential. I could get a job closer to home but I wouldn't earn that amount and although the commute is hard, I enjoy my job and the people I work with.

I fear I'm headed for the same breakdown I had last year. I lost baby number 10 and took an overdose. Never in all my years of having depression and anxiety had I ever felt bad enough to hurt myself like I did then.

I feel like life is overwhelming, like it's just passing me by so quick and I'm still yet to be officially diagnosed with anything relating to miscarriages (I've had full coagulation screen so lupus and all that sort of stuff), I just feel I'm going to blink and I'm still going to be 40, childless with a hectic job and no downtime and it really gets me down.

I feel like maybe reducing a day a week would do be good, it could be my jobs to do day and then I would have my weekend to rest and meet up with family and friends etc.

I'm just very overwhelmed with everything that's happening to me and don't know where to start with the drs, each time I go and tell them this they give me 7 diazepam and tell me it's a phase.

Thank you to you all x

Reduce your hours?
Hire a cleaner?
Change your job?
Focus more on self care, you need to with your disease
Weekends should be spent relaxing and having fun, and resting

Your life sounds joyless and lonely. Dh should look for another job so he can spend more time with you