To be completely and utterly exhausted and overwhelmed?

[wishes1992]

It's going to be a long one so thank you in advance to anyone who replies or reads ♥️

I'm 29, DH 30. Multiple miscarriages since early 20s when we got married.

I have had anxiety and depression since I was a young teen due to traumatic childhood. I speak to my Mum a couple of times a week however she is an alcoholic and I still worry about her as an adult.

My Dad has 3 younger younger children (in their early teens) and I have a good relationship with him and them although he lives 20 miles away.

DH is a great person, my first love, annoys the shit out of me sometimes but don't we all! He has always worked 6/7 day weeks, since he was a 16 and could do that. He's set up his own business which is doing great and I'm so thankful considering the circumstances of the last year. It means he's not at home often.

I work 40 hours a week but with my 1 hour drive there and 1 hour drive home, I'm leaving at 7:15 and getting home at 18:30-19:00. DH cooks and we eat about 8pm then by the time I have a shower, I'm too tired to watch tv and just want to go to bed.

I feel constantly exhausted, not normally tired but constantly and it's in my whole body, my head, my back, my legs, sometimes mumble my words because I feel that out of energy.

My Saturday is spent cleaning and doing laundry (I don't mind as DH is working, if he has the rare Saturday or Sunday off he helps me) but that's once in a blue moon. Sunday comes and if he has it off, again, rare but if he does I'm just too tired to think/do anything.

I know this really isn't normal, I do have an autoimmune disease but they're not quite sure which one. I feel I have no time for myself at all.

If I don't clean, I get anxiety, so it's a vicious circle. We have a dog and cat so I sweep the floors in the week, clean toilet, kitchen is wiped down every day after dinner then do a big clean on a Saturday.

I have begged DH to let me have a cleaner, just for a couple of hours a week but he says no even though we have the money. It means with my anxiety, I would be able to actually leave the house on Saturday/see friends etc.

Nobody comes to visit me, not my Mum or Dad

Could you submit a Flexi working request and ask to work 2 days from home?
Aside from that, fuck what your partner says. Get a cleaner. And it's not up to you to pay his debts off!!

So many things going on here OP.

When were your meds last checked and how much are you on?

Where has this debt come from, what's the approx time scale to clear and how much a month currently monthly is being paid back(ignore the inheritance for now) Taking a job closer to home for less wage may actually be OK once you take into account your current monthly fuel costs.

Does DH actually understand how you are feeling as he appears to be very dismissive of you.

When do you get 1-1 time if he's working 7 days and you only spend about an hour a day together?

The hour he takes dog in morning, can you walk the dog and he cleans for an hour instead? Then remind him on certain days about towels, bedding etc.....

You've been together since you were 15, the relationship is a habit, you can live without him, let's face it, you practically are already.

Oh OP, I am so sorry for all your losses. You must be physically and mentally absolutely exhausted. That is so much for you to carry. I would urge you to find a way of putting yourself first and allowing yourself to rest and recover.
A previous poster suggested therapy and I'd also suggest something like acupuncture where it's just about and for you.
And sit your DP down and calmly but firmly tell him you are at or beyond breaking point. That your body needs a proper rest and put proposals on the table that can help you get this - a cleaner / four day week / him reducing his hours. Reducing debt is important but it shouldn't override your need to heal from so many losses. His experience isn't comparable physically so saying he'd like to reduce his days too is just thoughtless.
Take care.

And also I'd consider whether he's right for you if he doesn't start to listen. If you've a decent inheritance coming your way, perhaps it gives you an opportunity to walk away?

I don't really know if this is relevant OP, but my sister also had several miscarriages and was told she was unlikely to ever conceive. She worked hard and had a hard life, but was then made redundant from her job at a time when it was hard to get something else. A couple of months later, she found that she was pregnant, and the pregnancy went full term. She now has 3 children, and feels that in her case it was all the stress of work, and the other problems she'd suffered. I realise that you also have other health problems going on, but wonder whether your body is just rejecting babies because life is just too stressful for you right now.

I also feel sad that you said that you will never receive the love and support that you received from your grandparents again! Your DP should be giving you this love and support now, but instead it seems all he can focus on, is money and his needs and wants. I really think that as a PP suggested, it's time to get your GP to sign you off for a month, so that you can regroup, and really think about what you want out of life, as from personal experience, there is far more to life than work and money, in fact, without your health, you actually have a very limiting life, so try and get that sorted as a priority.

Wishing you all the best.

Ok so a few things- speaking from experience-

1. Dr. For full bloods- check thyroid etc.
2. get a cleaner. I explained to dh we could choose I drop a day or get a cleaner end of. We now have a cleaner every week- I cant stress the difference this makes!
3. after those 2 points start thinking about both of your jobs and life quality. Decide what will change- get the weekend back for you both.

Why do you think you have an autoimmune disease but not know? I have underactive thyroid I'm exhausted if I drop thyroxine.

I felt like you do now, when I was in my late 20's. My life has turned around in ways I could never have imagined, but my god did I feel like I was destined to have to just be strong and face the world alone.

Got an easier but worse paid job, which freed up my life
Got off the anti depressants over the course of around 8 months (without gp knowing and persuading me otherwise).
Stopped smoking
Did some natural gut cleanses, which from then on helped me feel more energetic - lots of toxic stuff removed I guess.

But the biggest thing that happened was meeting a truly good match. Someone who loves me, cherishes my happiness (and I do for him). And the stress melts away when you are supported, validated, and making life decisions without "pressure".

I honestly believe stepping down a gear with work and NOT feeling in any way bad about it is a good first step. Keep positive, re evaluate who you are, what you want, need, and how your grandparents would want you to be caring for your wellbeing and having people around you who simply want your happiness and joy every day, because it makes them happy - instead of because you're 'pulling your weight'.

Small steps.. by the time you reach 35 (still young) you can feel like a completely different person and look back on the hard times as lessons learned.

Hope the animals are ok too, I'm sure they absolutely need and love you and may sense the stress. We are our pets world!

There may be something more to this but equally there may not be. I was in your shoes - similar commute, similar working hours. I was a zombie. Went to bed at 8.30-9 every day. Saturday mornings I slept and moped as if I were hungover. Got some mojo Saturday afternoon then Sunday was spent cleaning and doing housework. Because I worked so much I couldn’t travel to see my family (3hrs away) and dreaded them coming to stay because the house would be a state.

I ended up getting a job 20mins from home and a cleaner once a fortnight and my life improved significantly

Can you take a break from DH? I think you would feel better for it.

What's the worst that could happen if you had a month of sick leave and just received SSP during that time?

Is your husband pressuring you not to take the sick leave that you desperately need because he wants you to maintain your salary to pay off the debts as quickly as possible?

Whose debts are they and what are they?

In my experience all the suggestions of what to do can feel really overwhelming, what to pick, where to start, how to find the energy to do any of them. Let alone all of them. There's a lot to unpack and deal with.

I have a different chronic illness, same crippling fatigue. Different antidepressant high dose, it's an old tricyclic so has sedating side effect which I really need with all the pain I'm in. I'd note the ideas you think might help somewhere, maybe on phone notes, and pick one, a single step to start with. Focus on that step. Make sustainable changes, don't try to do it all at once. If it was me I'd start with the cleaner. That will allow you get some rest which you really need. Everything feels less overwhelming when you're not completely exhausted.

@LividJabber can you tell me how you got your diagnosis/treatment? Underactive thyroid runs in my family and I have every single symptom they have but tested "normal." Got diagnosed with chronic fatigue instead which has no treatment, really infuriating.

How did you push for more investigation?

@georgarina I was about to have private IVF, had no idea there was a problem, thought my tiredness was just part and parcel of my job.

A routine blood test showed a different problem (nothing that ended up being major) and the IVF clinic refused to proceed until I’d been signed off by a GP. Had had loads of “full blood count” type stuff by that point, but that was the first time anyone ran my thyroid; which I’d virtually never heard of.

GP said, when my TSH was 21, “Didnt you notice you were tired?”

What's the debt OP?

Is it really the best use of your inheritance?

You only get one go at life. You could take the inheritance to be off work and recover for a while.

Your dh doesn’t get to dictate this to you. Does he often just say no and that’s it? Get a cleaner, you can afford it so do it

Do you definitely want to stay with him?

Urgh so sorry OP. But pls don't have a baby with a man who won't 'let' you get a cleaner. He'll continue to opt out of family life by working rather than being in present and you'll be left with baby plus cleaning

I just don't understand how he gets to dictate whether you have a cleaner or not. He is not your dad. You are a fully grown woman he doesn't get to "let you" do anything. If you want a cleaner get one, you work and have your own money.
TELL him you are getting a cleaner with your own money and dont back down.