To be completely and utterly exhausted and overwhelmed?

[wishes1992]

It's going to be a long one so thank you in advance to anyone who replies or reads ♥️

I'm 29, DH 30. Multiple miscarriages since early 20s when we got married.

I have had anxiety and depression since I was a young teen due to traumatic childhood. I speak to my Mum a couple of times a week however she is an alcoholic and I still worry about her as an adult.

My Dad has 3 younger younger children (in their early teens) and I have a good relationship with him and them although he lives 20 miles away.

DH is a great person, my first love, annoys the shit out of me sometimes but don't we all! He has always worked 6/7 day weeks, since he was a 16 and could do that. He's set up his own business which is doing great and I'm so thankful considering the circumstances of the last year. It means he's not at home often.

I work 40 hours a week but with my 1 hour drive there and 1 hour drive home, I'm leaving at 7:15 and getting home at 18:30-19:00. DH cooks and we eat about 8pm then by the time I have a shower, I'm too tired to watch tv and just want to go to bed.

I feel constantly exhausted, not normally tired but constantly and it's in my whole body, my head, my back, my legs, sometimes mumble my words because I feel that out of energy.

My Saturday is spent cleaning and doing laundry (I don't mind as DH is working, if he has the rare Saturday or Sunday off he helps me) but that's once in a blue moon. Sunday comes and if he has it off, again, rare but if he does I'm just too tired to think/do anything.

I know this really isn't normal, I do have an autoimmune disease but they're not quite sure which one. I feel I have no time for myself at all.

If I don't clean, I get anxiety, so it's a vicious circle. We have a dog and cat so I sweep the floors in the week, clean toilet, kitchen is wiped down every day after dinner then do a big clean on a Saturday.

I have begged DH to let me have a cleaner, just for a couple of hours a week but he says no even though we have the money. It means with my anxiety, I would be able to actually leave the house on Saturday/see friends etc.

Nobody comes to visit me, not my Mum or Dad

What happens to the dog when you are both out at work? Get a job closer to home and tell your partner is have weekends off. No one needs to work 7 days a week, especially if it's your own business you can decide your hours. It's no good bringing in reasonable salaries if you have no quality of life outside work.

The dog is home, my DH walks him for an hour in the morning before work and my MIL takes him out at 1pm for 2 hours (her suggestion and really helpful). It's always been the way since he was a puppy. Luckily he is a lovely, easy, well behaved dog. I feel he's the only happiness I have right now.

If you are on 1700/month then it will have less impact on overall finances to hire a cleaner than to drop one day per week. Maybe present it to dh like that: you are on your knees and need this support to stay in full time work?

Then you can think about other jobs, qualifications etc. Find something fun to do on a Saturday, with friends or to make new ones.

OP is there anything you can do about restructuring the debt repayments so neither of you have to work at the rate you currently are? After your last post this is a mental and physical health crisis that you are facing, something will eventually snap if you are forced to keep working at this place.

OK, this isn't about cleaning or a cleaner being a luxury. This is about you buying yourself time to recharge and recover. I am so sorry for your losses. What I see in your posts is that you desperately need time and space to heal. Physically and emotionally.

You are running on empty. This can' go on. Book a cleaner. Saturday mornings or Friday afternoons? If your DH disagrees, tell him he will need to cut down Saturday hours. Not likely considering how much electricians make at the weekend.

DH hates being in debt and will not lower the repayments. However I am due some inheritance soon which will clear our debt, give us a deposit for a house and we can save some too. This will be a great help but the inheritance is coming from my Mum's side and through her.

She let me down terribly as a child, she still does on occasion and he doesn't trust her to give me this money.

I was bought up by my grandparents and they both died 8 and 5 years ago in their 60s. I feel like if they were here, my life would be so much better. I know I could go to them and they'd help me with whatever I needed, they'd of even paid for me to have a cleaner (I know I sound spoilt). I miss them being the only ones that fully understand my mental health because they dealt with it with me as a child and supported me always. The love and support I received from them, I'll never receive again.

I just feel lost.

The constant losses, operations for endometriosis, D&Cs for the babies, autoimmune disease, depression, anxiety, it's all too much. I feel like my body is giving up and that's why I'm so fatigued and tired.

You poor thing. Why does he not want a cleaner? If he’s out of the house that much it won’t even impact him? Tell him it’s happening, because you need saturdays off, end of story then arrange it yourself.
40 hrs a week is hard, you’ll get some people saying I work 60hrs blah blah, but I changed jobs and dropped from 40 to 35 hrs still full time and I felt like I had so much more time and flexibility back. Can you do something that?
Also ask for a full blood and mineral count, I had one at the Go’s as I was borderline sbenic and they gave me folic acid as I had low folate levels and honestly I had so much more energy. I also auto immune disease and they do Sap your energy, so you really do need to re-cooperate in the evenings and at weekends.

Oh my love you sound so so sad. What an awful time you have had of it you really have. Things can't go on like this, not at all. Life isn't all about money and working, you need to get some balance back into your life. First thing is the cleaner, just do it. I think you might be underselling yourself thinking you can only get as much money where you are, you're paid for your skills and experience. Look around for something closer for the longer term. In the shorter term could you cut hours down, this is a very reasonable request for someone managing health conditions, the work and commute would put someone without all of that on their knees I'm so impressed you've kept it up this long you're amazing! Even if you compressed hours to a 4 day week, or an extra afternoon off, even a nine day fortnight? Just something to give you a bit of rest time. You need to make some changes and DH has to accept that your health and happiness has to come before money. and power for you

I have ME (chronic fatigue condition). Any partner I have needs to accept my limitations. Your DP needs you to explain clearly and bluntly what you need to be healthy. It sounds like you need a cleaner, possibly you need to consider cutting your hours or finding a job closer to home. If he loves you and he’s a decent guy he ought to support the things you need once you explain and he understands that you are ill not slacking!

If it helps I work a full time job but I do it from home, I have a cleaner and a dog walker, I buy a proportion of ready or easy cook meals and I go to bed early. My DP is fully understanding and sometimes when he visits he has to do my dishwasher or we just sit because I can’t go out today. If he didn’t sympathise then he’d be EX. To balance that when I’m well I look after him and cook for him etc...

Tell you DP clearly that you are GETTING a cleaner as you need more rest.

OP your post is making me so sad for you.

You need something to change.

Can you ask to see a different GP and explain that you need access to counselling and a plan to work on your depression long term. They can’t just keep upping the dose and not address the root cause.

Your post is just full of sadness, is there anyone in real life you can talk to - not your partner.
You’ve been through so much, you need some help to work through it all, I would really recommend some therapy.

Also, have you looked into iron infusions? You can get them on the NHS but can take ages to get referred for, privately it costs about 500£ for the tests and treatment. I know a couple of ppl with autoimmune issues which affect their iron levels and transfusions basically changed their lives.
Definitely speak to doctor or look into privately - I understand it’s not cheap but it’s an investment into your health and body, there is nothing more important than that.

Also - get a cleaner. You don’t need permission if you’re paying.

Either he helps with cleaning or you get a cleaner. Who looks after the dog? Why is he working so much? Is he sympathetic towards your physical and mental health? Sorry, but my DH would pay 100% if I told him I needed it.

You need to get support here. You need to find answers as this isn’t okay. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Xx

Oh, OP! Please stand back and consider what your clearly much beloved grandparents would have said - surely they would have told you to slow down where possible and be kind to yourself?

You must go easy on yourself! I have a life limiting chronic illness and as a result only work part time. I know this isn't possible for everyone but even if you cut your hours from 40 to 36 you'd be amazed at the difference.

You only get this life once, please do whatever you can to steal some time/pleasure back for yourself. Money is great but time and mental peace are way, way better.

And get the cleaner. If he's not putting you first, put yourself first instead.

Sorry you've had such a difficult time OP. It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do

I think you need therapy, an unlimited number of sessions with a good therapist. Whatever your finances are I think that should be a priority.

Also consider talking to your GP about getting signed off work for a best to rest and take care of yourself, a breather might help you feel better and more able to think about how to change your life for the better.

Hopefully with the right medical diagnosis and treatment your physical issues will improve. But there is no magic fix for your childhood trauma and pregnancy losses; only medium/long term therapy will help with that.

I do think that in the longer term, you and your DH both need to reduce your hours and/or commute, and spend a bit more time together (doing chores, having fun and relaxing - all three are important) but that's not going to fix the underlying physical and emotional issues that are crippling you atm

Have you read "toxic parents" by Susan forward? Have you had any support for your recurrent miscarriages? Contacted the miscarriage association or similar?

Endo could explain the fatigue.

I'm not sure what you are describing is that unusual for people who work full time + or have a hefty commute. I'm similarly always knackered.

What is the reason for not "allowing" you to have a cleaner? If you are doing all the cleaning it should be decision primarily. Or he needs to do at least half.

Are you sure that you are happy with this man. He doesn't sound very supportive?

Is there a reason you couldn't move nearer to work?

A lot of your symptoms match those for coeliac disease which can drain the life out of you if you don't stick to a gluten free diet. Also leads to low iron etc. Have you been tested for that?

My DP also works 6/7 days a week depending on the time of year. It sucks and I hate that so much life stuff automatically falls to me as a result.

We have also 'discussed' a cleaner after I went on strike. The compromise in the end was that he would do a bit more. The minute that slips the cleaner will be commissioned.

Sat here in tears, can't thank you all enough for your kindness.

I don't know if I'm happy with him really but we've been together since we were children (15) and I think I'd be lost without him. I love him but I do feel desperate to just scream at him sometimes like I could shake him.

He is generally supportive I mean he moans if I spend money, the cleaner is an absolute no (I've just said the same and the answer was the same), I said about dropping to a 4 day week and he said "yeah I'd love to do that too" 😔 I think unless you have health problems you don't realise the toll it takes.

Every now and again I reach a low like this, can't find a way out so just struggle through.

I'm going to go to the GP to ask for some of the tests you have all suggested getting done x

Regarding the recurrent miscarriages, I've had all of the normal tests for the recurrent miscarriage screening. My last 2 pregnancies I took blood thinning injections every day, aspirin, vitamin D and prescription folic acid and that still didn't work so I feel a bit stuck really.

I've also had counselling and therapies, they seem to work for a while then I seem to lose it again.

@wishes1992

Sat here in tears, can't thank you all enough for your kindness.

I don't know if I'm happy with him really but we've been together since we were children (15) and I think I'd be lost without him. I love him but I do feel desperate to just scream at him sometimes like I could shake him.

He is generally supportive I mean he moans if I spend money, the cleaner is an absolute no (I've just said the same and the answer was the same), I said about dropping to a 4 day week and he said "yeah I'd love to do that too" 😔 I think unless you have health problems you don't realise the toll it takes.

Every now and again I reach a low like this, can't find a way out so just struggle through.

I'm going to go to the GP to ask for some of the tests you have all suggested getting done x

He’s dismissing you ☹️, when he says ‘yes I’d like to do a 4 days week’, he’s not understanding how drained your immune disease is. Make him understand. Also why does he get to say no to a cleaner, he’s not your boss? I think you need to stick your neck out on this one and just do it. A 9 day fortnight is wonderful if you can arrange that, no cut back in hours and just a small increase in working hours each day.

I second the previous poster who advised you to get a Dr to sign you off for a month to regroup and get some tests. You've had 10 mcs and a break down. That's going to take some getting over and it doesn't sound like you are yet.
You've been with your DH since you were 15 and you say you are not going to try to conceive for 2 years. Is that his decision too? It sounds like he has to much of a say over you and not in a caring way.

Sounds a lot like I was before my underactive thyroid was diagnosed.

Can also cause miscarriages.

Have you had your thyroid tested and what were the levels? Do not be fobbed off work “normal” as NHS normal means very little.

@HotSauceCommittee I've been pregnant 10 times in 8 years and lost every one of them. The two year break from trying is both of our decision x

I wish I could be signed off but if I don't work I don't get paid, only SSP.

I also wish I could do longer hours and have more days off but we have opening times and there is no work for me to do before or after those times 😢

I think I'm going to have to look at jobs closer to home and gain 2 hours back a day.

Thanks again everyone for suggesting tests, I believe I have had my thyroid tested which was normal but I will ask again x