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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is abusive?

59 replies

whereiscaroline · 09/05/2021 10:50

DP and I had quite different childhoods.

AIBU to think that sending a child to bed without dinner as punishment for bad behaviour is abusive?

YABU - not abusive
YANBU - yes that’s abusive

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 09/05/2021 10:53

You need more context. I don't think it's generally ok no. But if the child was offered food and refused it / gave it to the dog / hurled it across the room, and then started eating chocolate biscuits, for example, then it possibly makes sense?

MatthewHBpig · 09/05/2021 10:54

Context / back story for any kind of meaningful answer

Gullible2021 · 09/05/2021 10:56

Refusing a child food as a punishment is abusive in my book.

A child refusing to eat their dinner and then being put to bed without an alternative meal/snack being made for them (ie pandering to bad behaviour) isn’t.

Which was it?

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/05/2021 10:58

I wouldn't call it abusive in isolation but nor would I use it to manage behaviour. It may be a basic boring dinner with no treats but I wouldn't let DC go to bed hungry.

That said some adults did experience it as children and don't realise its not a good thing to do. My DP grew up very very poor and hungry so it was a consequence in their house because food was so precious. He mentioned it to me once (didn't use it with DC because I would have overridden that one and I generally only do that if I absolutely have to....fortunately thats been once and again over something that when we actually discussed it and he thought it through was horrified).

I do think its been used years ago but no i personally don't think removing basic needs is ever ok.

Lockheart · 09/05/2021 10:58

Depends on the context as others have said. If they've refused to tidy their toys away and you send them to bed hungry that's out of order. If they're refusing to eat their dinner or chucking it at the wall / you / sibling that's a different situation altogether.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/05/2021 10:59

Which is not say there wouldn't be other big consequences for truly awful behaviour at the dinner table but no I wouldn't enforce hunger.

kowari · 09/05/2021 11:00

As a natural consequence of bad behaviour at dinnertime, fine, maybe let them have something simple if they calm down and are hungry later though. As a punishment, no.

DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 11:00

Yes, it is very abusive.

I might say that this is all there is so they can choose to eat it or not but there's nothing else. But I certainly wouldn't deny them any meal at all.

Happycat1212 · 09/05/2021 11:00

Nope it isn’t

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 11:01

Yes it's abuse not to give your child the very most basic thing of food.

Twistered · 09/05/2021 11:02

Tbh I don't think if it's happened a few times in your DPs childhood it's necessarily abusive if his childhood was otherwise ok.Certainly not ideal and I don't agree with it. But people parented differently years ago. It's not the done thing now at all and I'd be very sad hearing that nowadays

Original poster
whereiscaroline · 09/05/2021 11:03

Context: used as a punishment for bad behaviour. EG siblings fighting would be sent to bed with no dinner.

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/05/2021 11:04

No its not abusive, but it isnt a good way of dealing with poor behaviour either.

DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 11:04

@whereiscaroline

Context: used as a punishment for bad behaviour. EG siblings fighting would be sent to bed with no dinner.
Yes, abusive.
Bluedeblue · 09/05/2021 11:06

That's not on. If, as a PP said, you had cooked a meal and they had refused to eat it - fine. But as a punishment for something else? Absolutely not.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 09/05/2021 11:07

Of course it’s abusive. You don’t deny a childs basic needs to punish them

cupsofcoffee · 09/05/2021 11:08

Absolutely.

Food should never be used as a punishment (or a reward) but that's a whole other thread.

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 11:09

Tbh I don't think if it's happened a few times in your DPs childhood it's necessarily abusive if his childhood was otherwise ok

My first marriage was 'otherwise ok' but occasionally he raped me. Is that not abuse then?

Tambora · 09/05/2021 11:09

It would probably depend on their age really.

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 11:14

@Tambora

It would probably depend on their age really.

You think punishment by starvation is acceptable at what age?

MajesticWhine · 09/05/2021 11:16

Abusive is quite a loaded word isn't it. I think I would say it's not ok and it's poor parenting.

Lockheart · 09/05/2021 11:16

@flashylamp missing one meal is not starvation.

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 11:19

@MajesticWhine

Abusive is quite a loaded word isn't it. I think I would say it's not ok and it's poor parenting.

Neglect is abuse. Not feeding your child, deliberately, is quite cunty neglect. So yes, abuse covers it nicely.

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 11:19

[quote Lockheart]@flashylamp missing one meal is not starvation.[/quote]
Ok. Bad terminology. Replace with 'hunger'

It doesn't matter that I used the wrong word, it's still completely unacceptable Hmm

Twistered · 09/05/2021 11:20

Flashlamp I know you've had a tough time in that marriage but you can't compare a child being sent to bed with no dinner with being raped by your husband. Also it's not starvation and loaded comments like that are unnecessarily dramatic

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