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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is abusive?

59 replies

whereiscaroline · 09/05/2021 10:50

DP and I had quite different childhoods.

AIBU to think that sending a child to bed without dinner as punishment for bad behaviour is abusive?

YABU - not abusive
YANBU - yes that’s abusive

OP posts:
Sacreblue · 09/05/2021 11:21

If a person is abusive towards you then they will use whatever means necessary to inflict that abuse.

If a person genuinely cares about you then even very similar actions are not abuse. It all depends on the intention and context.

Why does it matter now? Is denying food being brought up as a punishment for your own DC? Does whichever one of you feel still affected and want therapy? Or to punish the parents?

We can have experienced abusive childhoods and still be great people, it depends on choosing a better way to show up in the world and the active decision not to perpetuate abusive behaviours.

Answers all depend on why the subject has come up but on the face of it denying food as a (unrelated to messing with said food & where food isn’t the only thing that could be used) punishment is wrong.

Cleverpolly3 · 09/05/2021 11:22

@whereiscaroline

Context: used as a punishment for bad behaviour. EG siblings fighting would be sent to bed with no dinner.
I don’t see this as remotely appropriate parenting If siblings are fighting then that needs to be dealt with.

Furthermore, how does not feeding them stop the reasons they are fighting ?

Cam2020 · 09/05/2021 11:22

I think a lot of punishnents that were deemed completely normal pre 90s are abusive now!

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 11:25

@Twistered

Flashlamp I know you've had a tough time in that marriage but you can't compare a child being sent to bed with no dinner with being raped by your husband. Also it's not starvation and loaded comments like that are unnecessarily dramatic

It was not a real marriage. I was giving an example. I don't even have a first husband, just the one I am married to now. An only husband.

Abuse is abuse though and you cannot minimise it by using times outwith the abusive act to justify it.

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 11:27

If a person genuinely cares about you then even very similar actions are not abuse. It all depends on the intention and context.

This is a really awful, dismissive and downright dangerous thing to say.

Women and children are abused daily because their abuser tells them just this.

It has no place here Angry

Packitupwillya · 09/05/2021 11:27

I don’t agree with depriving a child of food as a punishment, no.

Happycat1212 · 09/05/2021 11:27

It seems like ALL punishments are considered abusive now tbh

GintyMcGinty · 09/05/2021 11:29

I would never do it.

But without more context I don't think its abusive.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 09/05/2021 11:31

I tried to run away from home when I was 3. Escaped the garden and rode up the street on my tricycle. My mum was understandably terrified and this was my punishment. I actually remember it rather vividly and I do think it was harsh especially at such a young age. It hasn’t scarred me for life or anything though.

NailsNeedDoing · 09/05/2021 11:32

People parent the way they were parented. If your DP has this done to him, then it’s going to be hard for him to accept that it’s abusive.

Whether it’s abusive or not depends on how it’s done. If a child is presented with fair options and has the opportunity to to choose between negative behaviour or eating dinner, then it’s fine. If a child commits some minor misdemeanour and then is told they have no chance of eating, that’s abusive.

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 11:34

@Twistered

Flashlamp I know you've had a tough time in that marriage but you can't compare a child being sent to bed with no dinner with being raped by your husband. Also it's not starvation and loaded comments like that are unnecessarily dramatic
To further clarify I wasn't comparing rape with going to bed hungry. I was demonstrating that's having normality outwith abuse doesn't mean it can't be abuse.
cupsofcoffee · 09/05/2021 11:34

[quote Lockheart]@flashylamp missing one meal is not starvation.[/quote]
Surely that depends how often it happens?

Children shouldn't have to worry about whether they're going to get fed or not that night.

BurbageBrook · 09/05/2021 11:35

Yes, that's awful and abusive in my view.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 09/05/2021 11:43

Neglect is abuse. Not feeding your child, deliberately, is quite cunty neglect. So yes, abuse covers it nicely

Absolutely!

Using your "power" over someone you're responsible for by withholding a basic right such as food, is abuse and utterly reprehensible behaviour.

Worrying and rather telling that some posters think not...

NigelWithTheBrie79 · 09/05/2021 11:47

I was going to say that I don't think it is abusive but then I thought back to my own childhood and how obsessed my mum was with my weight and how she would routinely deprive me of food or use it as a reward for any reason. Then I realised that I don't allow food to be used as a reward (not counting the odd McDonald's for movie night occasionally). As a kid we never had lunch. I genuinely had no idea.that 3 meals a day was the norm and not something posh people do until I turned 17.

riddles26 · 09/05/2021 12:12

As a punishment for behaviour completely unrelated to eating/meals is pretty poor parenting.

As a natural consequence to messing around at mealtime/refusing to eat their meal/throwing food about, it seems reasonable as long not repeated on a daily basis.

sadpapercourtesan · 09/05/2021 12:15

My siblings and I were abused as children. Physically, emotionally, you name it. One of the milder things they did was sending us to bed for misbehaviour - sometimes at 9 in the morning, if that was when the offence occurred - which meant no contact and no food or drink until the following day. I hated it more than the violence, tbh.

It's not the worst thing you can do to a child, but it's definitely abusive.

Shelddd · 09/05/2021 12:20

If it's a regular thing that results in child being underfed then of course it's abusive.

Probably 90% of kids in this country are grossly overfed though so the occasional missed meal is not necessarily abusive.

cupsofcoffee · 09/05/2021 12:21

@Shelddd

If it's a regular thing that results in child being underfed then of course it's abusive.

Probably 90% of kids in this country are grossly overfed though so the occasional missed meal is not necessarily abusive.

The child not being underweight doesn't mean the actions are any less abusive!
flashylamp · 09/05/2021 12:25

If it's a regular thing that results in child being underfed then of course it's abusive.

Let's just clear this up right now.

IT DOES NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN REGULARLY TO BE ABUSE.

Abuse can happen constantly, occasionally or even just once.

Stop accepting abuse because it's not all the time Sad

Probably 90% of kids in this country are grossly overfed though so the occasional missed meal is not necessarily abusive.

The occasional missed meal?

Being sent to bed, with no food, as a punishment for other behaviour isn't necessarily abusive because some children are over fed?

Listen to yourself Hmm

Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 13:44

@Happycat1212

It seems like ALL punishments are considered abusive now tbh
Why do you say that?
Happycat1212 · 09/05/2021 14:04

DrSbaitso

Because I’ve heard people saying it about all punishments, Time out, naughty step, removing possessions, all abusive now apparently.

DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 14:12

@Happycat1212

DrSbaitso

Because I’ve heard people saying it about all punishments, Time out, naughty step, removing possessions, all abusive now apparently.

You run in different parenting circles to me.
Happycat1212 · 09/05/2021 14:13

I’ve seen it said online 🙄