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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Beginning to resent my DH - snoring

70 replies

iamruth · 09/05/2021 07:21

I’m sure I probably am being unreasonable but I’m just so sick of constantly interrupted sleep from his snoring. He’s not over weight but over the last twelve months he has started this god awful gurgling snoring every damn night and it means I’m struggling to get even 5/6 hours broken sleep a night. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of migraines which I’m convinced is due to lack of/poor sleep and he’s moaning that I’m “always ill”. I appreciate that he’s frustrated by this but I honestly think that it’s him snoring that is ultimately causing my head splitting vomiting episodes with increasing regularity. We currently have no spare room so I can’t escape unless I sleep with one of the kids in their beds which I have resorted to and I have ordered some ear plugs but what can I do? I’m reaching the end of my tether with it and he just gets arsey with me on the very very few occasions that I nudge him to try to make it stop. Previously he tried sleeping with two pillows instead of one which made a huge difference but he’s now back to one because it’s more comfortable for him. Ultimately I can’t make him do anything but, as dramatic as it sounds, I just can’t carry on. AIBU to ask him to at least try to do something to stop?

OP posts:
Feather12 · 09/05/2021 07:33

I sympathise because my husband is the worst snorer ever. Has he been to a doctor? To check for sleep apnoea? I am convinced my DH has that, he stops and starts breathing, which makes the snoring even worse. He has refused to get it sorted so I have no sympathy and kick him EVERY time he makes a noise.

DeeplyMovingExperience · 09/05/2021 07:36

The only solution for me was separate bedrooms. He wasn't happy about it - in fact kicked up a stink about it - but for me it was non-negotiable after 15 years of ruined sleep.

I'm sure the sleep deprivation was responsible for me always being in a bad mood every morning, taking it out on the kids when they played up when I was trying to get them to school. I felt, and still feel, terrible about that. But once I had my own room, own bed, the difference was immediate.

Compromised sleep is awful. It affects you in a serious way. Snoring men don't get it because they're not the ones suffering. There is also that thing about demanding that their wife sleeps with them, as though it is some kind of written-in-stone rule about marriage. It's not.

Is it possible to move your kids into one room so you can have a room of your own?

Weenurse · 09/05/2021 07:36

Record him, some snorers think you are exaggerating until they hear themselves.
You said he is not overweight, does he drink alcohol or take prescription drugs in he evening?

DinosaurDiana · 09/05/2021 07:38

I suffered years of my DH snoring. We now sleep in separate rooms and I really don’t know why I put up with it for all those years,
When I wake up in the night I frequently hear him snoring and he’s in another room with the door closed !
You would have every right to LTB.
Does he drink ? That seems to make it worse.

Peasbewithyou · 09/05/2021 07:39

Snoring is one of the most annoying things someone can do. I get it’s not their fault but it is so hard to sleep with loud snoring! My mother in law snores so loudly that even in a different bedroom with all doors closed I can still hear it! I’ve had to put her on the ground floor when she comes to stay (we have a bed down there, I’m not being unkind) and with all doors closed it’s just about bearable.

And that’s only some of the time, I think I would go insane if it was every night!

Record your DH. Make him listen to it. If he won’t take action when it’s literally making you unwell then what does that say about him?

I also think it’s awful that he is getting arsey about you being unwell! I have had a migraine once and honestly thought I was dying. It was horrible. Yet he is getting annoyed?!? WTF?

ChristmasAlone · 09/05/2021 07:41

Sleep in separate rooms if possible. our sleeping patterns, routines, moving and snoring make it a nightmare to share a bed. Separate rooms changes all that, you'll get people that find it weird when they find out but it's perfect solution. We watch films together upstairs and one will come to the others in the morning for a hug. Not sure why people are so adamant they need to spend X hours next to someone when they are both asleep.

WellTidy · 09/05/2021 07:42

My dad is a horrendous snorer and always has been. But with him it’s due to him sleeping incredibly deeply which is a side effect of the medication that he is on to keep him alive.

I honestly think though that it has done permanent damage to my mum over the years. She sleeps dreadfully herself as a result. She also has a very short fuse, becomes teary at the drop of a hat, is unreasonable about the most reasonable of things etc.

She does sometimes sleep in the spare room. In her position, I think I would do this every night. Having gone through the young children phases myself, I know how awful I feel when haven’t slept for a prolonged period of time. It is a killer.

ChristmasAlone · 09/05/2021 07:45

@DeeplyMovingExperience

The only solution for me was separate bedrooms. He wasn't happy about it - in fact kicked up a stink about it - but for me it was non-negotiable after 15 years of ruined sleep.

I'm sure the sleep deprivation was responsible for me always being in a bad mood every morning, taking it out on the kids when they played up when I was trying to get them to school. I felt, and still feel, terrible about that. But once I had my own room, own bed, the difference was immediate.

Compromised sleep is awful. It affects you in a serious way. Snoring men don't get it because they're not the ones suffering. There is also that thing about demanding that their wife sleeps with them, as though it is some kind of written-in-stone rule about marriage. It's not.

Is it possible to move your kids into one room so you can have a room of your own?

I've always found when I mention that me and DP sleep in separate rooms that it's women that react OMG you sleep in separate rooms and men seem to like the idea of it. DP suggested that we sleep in separate rooms for loads of reasons and I agreed with him.
Coldties · 09/05/2021 07:53

Has he been checked for sleep apnea? Is he also tired in the morning?

If it’s normal snoring I find my DH is better on his side than on his back so I always nudge him to roll over. Yanbu it’s awful having a lack of sleep and i don’t think I could cope with it long term, you have my sympathies!

Original poster
iamruth · 09/05/2021 08:01

Thanks so much for the replies (and sympathy). To answer some questions, no he hadn’t been checked for sleep apnea although my daughter had her tonsils and adenoids removed as a result of sleep apnea and so I do think maybe he should. He doesn’t drink often (although snoring is worse when he does and he did have a few last night so as a result I’ve posted this!) No prescription drugs either.

Up until very recently we had 5 bedrooms, we have three children, but we moved to a three bed renovation project. I’m absolutely desperate to get building started now and having originally told our architect that 4 bedrooms would be fine I now feel like we might need five to get one each! In the meantime however there is no real option to move anyone around to make a spare room! I can totally believe all that everyone says about the impact on themselves and other people they know - I know it’s not something he’s choosing but it’s really starting to affect how I feel about him even awake. I know that sounds terrible.

OP posts:
ftmx · 09/05/2021 08:05

What about a fold out bed in the living room? My partner got one as we have a newborn and he needs a good nights sleep for work but I'm secretly loving it as he is the worst snorer. I can still hear him snoring at night from the bedroom! But he says it's really comfy Grin and it folds down small and fits behind the sofa.. was £50 from Argos.

44PumpLane · 09/05/2021 08:07

Of you don't have a spare room you need an air mattress in one of the kids rooms or downstairs.

Honestly just try it for 1 week and see how you feel.

SweatyBetty20 · 09/05/2021 08:11

I’m the snorer - bit of a shock when I realised I was from a sleep app; it’s awful to hear yourself back. My partner used earplugs - I got him a selection from snorestore.co.uk. Once you hit the menopause the decrease in hormones makes your muscles less supportive so it’s fairly common in women of that age.

DinosaurDiana · 09/05/2021 08:21

No, I have absolutely despised my DH at times.
The snoring, the wine breath, it’s disgusting. He needs to do something about it, it’s his problem.

Original poster
iamruth · 09/05/2021 08:35

Right, time to jiggle the kids sleeping arrangements around a bit so that I can at least go in the bottom bunk (don’t fancy the top one!)

@DinosaurDiana thank you for making me feel better. I feel unkind being so irritated by something he’s not doing on purpose but it’s bloody awful! The gurgling noise makes me feel sick. Incidentally he claims he “can’t” blow his nose either and the whole thing makes me want to vomit!

OP posts:
Original poster
iamruth · 09/05/2021 08:35

@SweatyBetty20 sounds like I might be at least able to get him back in the future... Wink

OP posts:
Dustyhedge · 09/05/2021 08:37

Get him to do a sleep study. My husband’s snoring nearly broke me. He’s on a cpap machine now and it has made the world of difference to both of us. He’s having a snooze now without the machine and I want to throttle him. I’m not sure how I used to manage every night .

catscatsallthecats · 09/05/2021 08:44

Sorry OP I'm in a similar position and it's shit. A combination of those sticky nose strips (him) and foam ear plugs (me!) help a bit, although I had to go through probably five brands of ear plugs to find some that were decent.

The stress of actually going to bed was getting too much for me so now we generally sleep in separate rooms apart from the weekend (when disturbed sleep doesn't matter so much to me).

polkadotpjs · 09/05/2021 08:49

I hear you loud and clear. I was teaching the end of the rope with my DH. He pitifully says he can't help it but I couldn't go on. I was also getting up first every day and in the night to kids/ dog
My SIL was prescribed a nasal spray and I got him one in Tesco (yellow box) with same active ingredient and he is way better now for most of the night
In the time before this I decamped to the sofa a lot.

AFS1 · 09/05/2021 09:06

I don’t know how I coped as long as I did without a spare room. Now we’ve got one, the bed is always made up for my middle of the night bed-hop. Our main bedroom is in the loft and I can still hear the snoring from the floor below.

I feel your pain.

Silverstreaks · 09/05/2021 09:18

I bought one of those heavy hourglass shaped memory foam pillows from IKEA for my husband. A bonus was it has really cut down his occasional noisy snoring.
I found one in the horse blanket aisle in Lidl which was a more pronounced shape and thought I'd give it a try. I now sleep much better and my muttery snoring has stopped.
Neither of us snored a lot and it was dependent on sleeping position but the weird pillows have definitely improved our sleep

maslinpan · 09/05/2021 09:22

My snoring DH is not as bad as the OP's, but I have harboured dark thoughts towards him in the middle of the night. I recently discovered silicon earplugs from Boots which are 10 times better than any foam ones.

billy1966 · 09/05/2021 09:28

@Feather12

I sympathise because my husband is the worst snorer ever. Has he been to a doctor? To check for sleep apnoea? I am convinced my DH has that, he stops and starts breathing, which makes the snoring even worse. He has refused to get it sorted so I have no sympathy and kick him EVERY time he makes a noise.
My friends husband suffered for years. Seperate bedrooms because she needed her sleep.

He went into hospital overnight and had it investigated.
He now has a machine that he sleeps with.

He looks at least 20 years younger.
I have NEVER seen such a transformation.

He is up with the lark and full over energy like a teenager.

In the past year he has painted their house, completely redone their garden and is like a completely new man.

She had been asking him to get checked out for 20 years and he ignored it!

The other thing is he feels his job is so much easier.
Pressurised management job.
He was working through a fog of lack of sleep.
The mental clarity of 8 hours sleep has transformed his work day.

Putawaymewoolyhat · 09/05/2021 09:30

No you are definitely not unreasonable!! I was nearly in the divorce courts. My poor husband couldn’t help it - I taped him snoring a few times so he could appreciate how awful it was. It’s worse than having a newborn again and it impacts the whole next day. I was so resentful. Tried everything. Then we bought one of the cheaper (£25 ish) mouth guard things online from the British snoring institute (or some name like that) - it holds the bottom jaw out a fraction but looks like a sports gum shield. It worked like a bloody dream - I was thrilled. It lost its shape though and was useless within a week. We knew we were on the right track though, so tracked down a dentist who makes more permanent, sturdy ones.
The dentist took moulds of his teeth so the thing was custom made.
He’s had it now about 3 years, cost about £750, not cheap, but worth every bloody penny! He’s got used to wearing it now every night.
If the cheap one works for a couple of nights you know that it can be cured this way.