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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Beginning to resent my DH - snoring

70 replies

iamruth · 09/05/2021 07:21

I’m sure I probably am being unreasonable but I’m just so sick of constantly interrupted sleep from his snoring. He’s not over weight but over the last twelve months he has started this god awful gurgling snoring every damn night and it means I’m struggling to get even 5/6 hours broken sleep a night. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of migraines which I’m convinced is due to lack of/poor sleep and he’s moaning that I’m “always ill”. I appreciate that he’s frustrated by this but I honestly think that it’s him snoring that is ultimately causing my head splitting vomiting episodes with increasing regularity. We currently have no spare room so I can’t escape unless I sleep with one of the kids in their beds which I have resorted to and I have ordered some ear plugs but what can I do? I’m reaching the end of my tether with it and he just gets arsey with me on the very very few occasions that I nudge him to try to make it stop. Previously he tried sleeping with two pillows instead of one which made a huge difference but he’s now back to one because it’s more comfortable for him. Ultimately I can’t make him do anything but, as dramatic as it sounds, I just can’t carry on. AIBU to ask him to at least try to do something to stop?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 09/05/2021 09:32

Oh when he got investigated, they found he was fully stopped breathing for up to two minutes.
It was filmed.
They said it was absolutely terrifying to watch.

I cannot stress how well he looks.
He always had bags under his eyes, a high colour.
Completely different man.

4PawsGood · 09/05/2021 09:35

There are things you can do about this.

I would:

Try the earplugs, and different ones if these don’t suit.
Record him (ask him first) - SnoreLab is a good, free app - so he can see there is a problem
Investigate easy fixes, there are nose strips and things and sprays
Try an antihistamine in case it’s a runny nose
Dust your bedroom in case of dust allergy
Consider new pillows for dust mite allergy. Hoover your mattress.
Then try GP.

Good luck.

Original poster

iamruth · 09/05/2021 09:40

Some really good ideas, thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I have brought it up with him this morning and, as expected, he’s informed me there is nothing he can do, it’s not his fault, and no one sleeps in separate rooms despite the fact that everyone snores like him...

I’m going to do the snore lab thing and he is paying lip service to the idea of going to the doctor. I’m leaving him to stew on it a bit in the hope that if he actually thinks a bit he will realise that I’m not saying it’s all his fault but only she can change it.

OP posts:

Putawaymewoolyhat · 09/05/2021 09:56

Maybe show him the thread op - he needs to realise how awful a problem it is for you. It’s not at all good for his health either.

beaufortstreet · 09/05/2021 09:57

Separate rooms. Constant sleep deprivation or poor quality sleep has a very damaging effect on health.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 09/05/2021 09:59

@polkadotpjs can you tell me what spray you got?

MollyAlly · 09/05/2021 10:00

I was in the same situation, I had sleepless nights because of his snoring and it is so annoying when your mind gets stuck on the thought of when this noise is going to stop! My DH got a gum shield from boots- honestly it worked miracles- I can have a nice resting sleep for a change, sometimes he snores again but it is because the shield moves he repositions and jt is fine- worth a try

billy1966 · 09/05/2021 10:01

He sounds really selfish OP.

So a snorer and selfish.

Two big black marks.

PermanentTemporary · 09/05/2021 10:01

I don't plan ever to share a bed with a man again (routinely) partly because I snore, and partly because I had deep.sleepagain after my husband died and tbh i can't give it up- sleeping deeply, properly makes me so much happier and healthier. Plan for separate rooms since it sounds as if you can.

RolloTomassi · 09/05/2021 10:02

Totally understand, DH snoring makes me feel murderous!! Probably a very obvious one but has he tried Breathe Right strips?? We only tried these very recently and can't believe the difference.

22packets · 09/05/2021 10:10

Sincere sympathies OP. My advice, having been in your position, is to sleep in another room and move heaven and earth to make it happen even if not ideal. Air bed with lovely bed linen is very comfortable! Even if on the kitchen floor. Good sleep or lack thereof is life changing.

ThatIsMyPotato · 09/05/2021 10:14

@4PawsGood

There are things you can do about this.

I would:

Good luck.

Yes, I was about to post a similar list. If he won't go to the GP LTB! (Only half joking)

Mykittensmittens · 09/05/2021 10:23

Same here. I’m afraid for me the only thing that worked was me saying I couldn’t continue like that.

I feel fundamentally that if someone is affecting you negatively, intentionally or not, they should try to resolve it. Not doing so it really selfish. It’s not like there aren’t things he could try - if he had then maybe that’s different but to not even try is just selfish.

If he accidentally tripped you over would he apologise? Even if it was unintentional and he didn’t mean to? Of course he would. That was the argument I gave and he agreed.

We have moved to a house with a small spare room. He goes in there routinely. He’s the snorer so he gets the single bed. If he chooses NOT to try the other things to help (no booze, loose that small bit significant extra stone, etc) then there is no way I’m leaving my bed for him he had to be the one that moved!

22packets · 09/05/2021 10:24

Thing is, he's already arsy isn't he. Focus on what you can do to solve it that does not depend on him. Like an air bed on the floor downstairs. This may not seem fair but the alternative is that you spend weeks or longer trying to get him to try things and increase his arsiness and at the end of it you'll be no closer to solving it and still be sleep deprived.

Go on, go to Argos now and get yourself a lilo.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/05/2021 10:35

My husband snores. I often sleep on a fold up mattress on the floor in the kids' room.

spottygymbag · 09/05/2021 10:36

Agree with pp's about getting checked out. Also want to draw your attention the Bose sleep buds. They are sound masking, blue tooth, and only for sleep so no music or podcasts etc. They are pure magic and I don't know how I existed without them. I'm a super light sleeper and DH used to have quite a snore before he lost weight and got himself fit.

Dustyhedge · 09/05/2021 11:00

I can’t stress enough how important it is to get checked for apnea. If you’re at the chance of wanting to kill your partner, chances are there is something going on. The outcomes for untreated apnea are really not good. I think too many people think snoring is normal and just put up with it for years when it could be a sign of something quite bad.

Putawaymewoolyhat · 09/05/2021 11:47

@Mykittensmittens

If he accidentally tripped you over would he apologise? Even if it was unintentional and he didn’t mean to? Of course he would. That was the argument I gave and he agreed.

That’s a really good point. He needs to realise how awful it is for you to have your sleep continuously interrupted.
I’d throw a wobbly over it until he gets it.
Keep waking him up every time he snores.
And say you couldn’t help it.

FeelinHappy · 09/05/2021 11:56

Shouldn't be difficult to get checked for sleep apnea - get him to mention the gurgling. It's very easily checked now, they just lend you a sleep monitor to use at home overnight.

But, separate rooms all the way for now. Juggle the kids however you need to. I have found it a huge learning curve trying to sleep with CPAP, it's important but it's not an easy or overnight fix. Consider someone sleeping downstairs - it's bizarre we cram ourselves all together into one half of the house all day, and then all together into the other half overnight.

Original poster

iamruth · 09/05/2021 13:54

Off to check out the Bose sleep buds right now! He says he will go to the GP and in the meantime I’m going to shuffle the kids about so the spare bed isnt a top bunk and I’ll have somewhere to escape to. Thanks again to all who’ve taken the time to reply (and sympathy to everyone else struggling with the same problem!!)

OP posts:

MegaClutterSlut · 09/05/2021 15:01

Yanbu, 99.9% of the time I sleep on the sofa because of dh, he literally makes the bed vibrate

Aqua55 · 09/05/2021 15:06

Op, just make sure your dh is aware that if he is investigated for sleep apnea, he will likely have to inform dvla and possibly lose his driving licence for about 3 months.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/05/2021 15:25

AIBU to ask him to at least try to do something to stop?

No. But be aware that it can be possible for nothing to work. My DH is a snorer. He has been to many sleep tests, negative for apnea. He has lost weight, snoring worsened. He had a nose job to get rid of deviated septum due to broken nose in past- no change to snoring. He went and got a mouth guard...no change. He got breathe right strips- no change. This went on for years. Finally he agreed to separate bedrooms and that is what we have. Best decision ever! We both now get decent sleep.

IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 09/05/2021 15:37

I second trying the anti snoring mouthguard for £25 from Amazon I think. I've put up with it for 20 years only just discovered this a few months ago. It is amazing and has completely solved the snoring issue. Well worth a try for the money. If it works like the previous poster said you can get one custom-made from the dentist.

Zombiemum1946 · 09/05/2021 16:00

As you age the muscles around the throat lose elasticity causing problems with vibration leading to snoring, made worse with alcohol and medications. Sleep apnea also creates further problems and places strain on the heart. Get him to do an Epworth sleepiness score, it can indicate that he's not getting true rest when he sleeps. Ear plugs can be made using cotton wool and vaseline mixed together. My husband has had apnea for years (didn't snore but made gargling noise and stopped breathing) but only did something about it a couple of years ago, when he started to get really ill. He has a cpap machine and feels far better. I sleep better without counting how long between breaths !!!! Record him. If he gets appointments for treatment go with him. He is not aware of how bad it is, and won't be able to give a description to the specialist.

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