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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child excluded on road advice...

60 replies

Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 08:21

My dd is 7, she's a lovely sensitive child & has started playing out on the road... Two of the neighbours dc similar age & much more streetwise always exclude her "our games are for two people only" yet let all the other kids in... Dd has made friends with a another child a few doors up but that the two other girls try to commandeer that child did themselves... I put toys on our lawn for dd & her friend & straight away the other 2 girls were in playing with dds toys & excluding my dd from her own play... I was childish myself & said to them this is only a game for two, sorry.... I don't know how to navigate this but I hate seeing my dd excluded.... The following day the two girls called to the door asking for my child's barbies!!!
I am over sensitive & over invested as I was always the excluded child & even as an adult always excluded from the school mum cliques etc... Any ideas on how to navigate the road politics would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 08:26

Ideally for me the best solution would be for them all to play together... I have tried this in the past but the two girls in question always end up saying "they're going to play somewhere else.. on their own"! or "bring out your toys so we can play with them" or just run away on her....

OP posts:
Marcydarcy7867 · 08/05/2021 08:29

I wouldn’t let my child play with them if they are nasty. I’d say to her - if people aren’t kind we play with someone else and then invite the nice kid she does get on with for a play date in your hours/back garden if you have one where the others can’t butt in.

Original poster
Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 08:35

Thanks for replying, my dd was playing with the nice girl in the garden last night & they had a bag of crisps, the other two saw & asked them to share, I was out doing the gardening & I said "Dd only shares with little people who share with her"... Then then asked me for a bag, I said sorry there's only enough for two.... I felt so childish...

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Marcydarcy7867 · 08/05/2021 08:45

I don’t think it’s childish at all you are politely teaching your child to stand up for herself.
I’d just stay away from these kids. They aren’t ever going to play nicely.

MrsMiddleMother · 08/05/2021 08:49

Good for you! Too often parents let other shitty little kids get away with being mean or rude. I'd just keep doing what you're doing, and I wouldn't want the outcome to be all playing together and I wouldn't want their attitudes to rub off on my dc. Glad she's found a nice little girl to play with

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 08/05/2021 08:54

Those two girls are bullying DD so I think your reaction is fine. Without knowing the two girls though I don't know whether it's wise to escalate the conflict. If this was a protracted vendetta against DD then it absolutely makes sense to protect her from these girls. If it was just a temporary power play it might be better to try and build bridges while helping DD learn to stand up for herself.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 08/05/2021 08:55

Keep doing what you’re doing, OP. Experienced exactly the same with my child. You’re teaching your dd not to feel beholden to bullies.

DarcyLewis · 08/05/2021 09:00

I’d tell them straight up “you haven’t been very kind to DD so now she doesn’t want to play with you”.
Maybe set something fun up in your garden and get your DD to invite the mean girls, but explicitly remind them “you need to be kind and include everyone if you want to play here with DDs toys”.

VolvoMom · 08/05/2021 09:10

It's hard isn't it. We have a similar situation and I've witnessed the mums just standing by witnessing their dd's horrid bullying behaviour and saying nothing, unforgivable. If mine was acting like that I'd nip it in the bud there and then not stand by being a lazy flakey parent. I've taken to keeping her away a bit more now or getting her away out the house when I can.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2021 09:11

7 is quite young to navigate relationship building without any adults in sight. Its why there is always an adult on the infant school playground

Original poster
Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 09:13

Thanks everyone, there's not much parental supervision on our road & the attitude is very much "let the kids be kids".... I don't want to fall out with neighbours over the kids but I don't want my dd to be continually excluded... She was reading her book quietly on our bench the other week & one of the girls told her "books are only for sillies"... Thankfully my dd wasn't bothered by the opinion!

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MustBeTheWine · 08/05/2021 09:16

You handled the situation a lot better than I would have OP! I don't think you're being childish at all and like PP said your teaching your DD to stand up for herself.

Original poster
Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 09:19

Also should have mentioned both sets of parents are working from home full time so their dc are out on the road in their uniforms from the minute they come home... Nice girl goes to school an hour away so we only see her Fri evenings & weekends, my dd isn't on out playing on the road during the week... Also the road is made up mainly of the girls, the few boys on the road who play occasionally really balance out the little cliques... The rest of the girls in fairness are v nice, it's just these two have taken a set against dd..

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ElphabaTWitch · 08/05/2021 09:22

It’s sooo hard isn’t it ! I could have written this. Kids used to say not allowed to play and go in. Then my dc cane in. Then they went back out. They played in my house. Then when dc went to theirs “we’re not allowed anyone in to play”. Then took other kids in and left my dc standing on their own. Breaks your heart.
Good for you. I think your handling it well. Good thing is kids are resilient and will soon move on and play with other kids. Keep up the good work. You’re doing a great job.

HereTodayHereTomorrow · 08/05/2021 09:24

Why can the nasty girls see into your garden?
I’d get some bamboo screening or something so they can’t see in, your DD should be able to feel safe in her garden

CatherineMorland · 08/05/2021 09:25

What a difficult situation OP, it’s really tricky to navigate. I would be very tempted to do the same as you.

Part of me wonders with the crisps - if you’d given them to the 2 mean girls would they have sat and eaten them with your Dd and helped to facilitate a friendship, or would they have just run off? It might be worth a try?

Original poster
Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 09:27

@heretodayheretomorrow we live in a mid terrace in an estate so our front garden has v low railings... We have no back garden as such anymore due to an extension & dhs toolshed so play is limited to the front of the house...

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Original poster
Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 09:29

@catherinemoreland I always gave them a treat then at Easter they came had little bags of easter bunnies they were sharing & they told dc there wasn't enough for her so that was the end of my generosity!

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Quartz2208 · 08/05/2021 09:32

I think this is about jealousy OP. That your DD comes home and goes into the house and has attention and they are forced out into the road the minute they come home because their parents can’t be bothered.

The book thing is because she probably can’t read as well because she doesn’t get attention

Moonpeg · 08/05/2021 09:40

We have the same problem in our street. Two girls aged 10 playing, not nice girls at all. My daughter plays with another girl in the street but the two girls wants the other girl to play with her so my daughter gets excluded every time. This has went on for a few years now. I take my daughter to parks and away from the situation. It’s heartbreaking though as she’s left out completely.

Original poster
Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 09:47

It's just awful isn't it... Its heartbreaking.. I'm glad I'm there to witness it as my dd doesn't seem to get what's going on... She's like "it's OK mom x & y just don't feel like playing with me today" 😢 in a way I'm glad she's oblivious, she's just not as streetwise...
Moonpeg you're lucky you can take your dd out, I don't drive unfortunately but luckily dd does alot of activities which DH brings her to... X & Y don't do activities so at least she doesn't run into them there..

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Buby51 · 08/05/2021 09:48

It's so hard op. I think girls are harder in general. Dd is only 5 and doesn't play out alone yet but a few times she has supervised. There's a girl in Dd's class who lives over the road. She's only interested in playing with Dd when her other friends on the street aren't in (children Dd doesn't really know some of the others as they are slight different ages, some go to a different school in the area and Dd doesn't play out a huge deal). As soon as the other friends come home she was gone!

Original poster
Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 10:00

@buby51 isn't it unbelievable at 5 years old that kids can be so cutthroat... Good on you being out there & spotting it early. The two on our road were the exact same since preschool, little "secret clubs" etc...

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Moonpeg · 08/05/2021 10:22

It’s horrible to watch. I remember a few years ago, the three other kids came to my door, what I thought was to play with my daughter only to hand in a parcel from one of their mothers. My daughter came running down all excited as she thought they were there for her. I said to one of the girls the ringleader oh are you here to play with my daughter. The girl turned round snd said no, we are not, then the three skipped of laughing, leaving my daughter at the door crying. From this day Iv never let my daughter near those two girls.

Fixitup2 · 08/05/2021 10:24

I don’t think they’ll have deciphered your passive aggressive ‘it’s only a game for 2’ comment. Just be straight, you exclude my daughter and you won’t be excluding her from this. Tell them to be kind. And I also wouldn’t want my child playing with mean kids.