Child excluded on road advice...

[Cheeryblossom1]

My dd is 7, she's a lovely sensitive child & has started playing out on the road... Two of the neighbours dc similar age & much more streetwise always exclude her "our games are for two people only" yet let all the other kids in... Dd has made friends with a another child a few doors up but that the two other girls try to commandeer that child did themselves... I put toys on our lawn for dd & her friend & straight away the other 2 girls were in playing with dds toys & excluding my dd from her own play... I was childish myself & said to them this is only a game for two, sorry.... I don't know how to navigate this but I hate seeing my dd excluded.... The following day the two girls called to the door asking for my child's barbies!!!
I am over sensitive & over invested as I was always the excluded child & even as an adult always excluded from the school mum cliques etc... Any ideas on how to navigate the road politics would be greatly appreciated...

Agh, sorry it was your reply to Buby that got it into my head that they were five.

Dd has a slight speech impediment which we are getting sorted (she worked on this on zoom during the pandemic with her speech therapist). She does sound slightly younger than these two & a bit more immature.... However I don't think this is an issue, dd never mentioned them teasing her about her speech... Dd is well able to form & maintain friendships... As mentioned above like many others on the road we didn't allow the dc out during the pandemic, the other children (like nice girl) are all starting to emerge out to play now like my dd... The mean girls & their siblings have been out the whole time during the lockdown...

@WeatherwaxLives

I've got a similar situation with DD. She's 4 and at nursery. There's 2 girls who she was always friendly with that will now only play with each other when they're both there, but if one of them is off then the other is straight to DD wanting to play.

I picked her up the other day and she was really quiet, apparently the latest was she couldn't play with them because she 'isn't pretty' - the reason she wasn't pretty? They were wearing imaginary jewellery and she wasn't! So she imagined some jewellery. Still not pretty.

I was so cross. DD plays with all the kids, she's not a social outcast in any sense, but these kids are like this to everyone unless one of the 2 isn't there.

I offloaded to my therapist, because I'm aware I'm a chronic people pleaser, bwry much a 'giver' and I get taken advantage of by 'takers' and it hurts. I don't want DD to be the same way. I told her I wanted to tell DD to not play with them if they're not nice, but was worried she'd get in trouble for excluding them!

Therapist told me not to be daft, that that's perfectly reasonable. So I've told DD next time one of them says they want to play with her she's to say 'no, you were nasty to me and it made me sad, so I don't want to play with you. Good friends aren't nasty.'

Whether she will or not I don't know, but I'm hoping I'm giving her the tools to stand up for herself, and to know it's ok.

I have spoken to nursery, and DD says she tells a grown up if they're nasty, so I think they're dealing with it as it happens but it makes my heart ache that I can't fix it for her

Isn't it just awful, sounds like you are doing a great job laying down the tools now... It's amazing at 5 that children can decide to be so cliquey, where does it all start....

Are they in the same school/ class? Are some of those issues spilling out into home life? If not how are her friendships at school? Could you have a few of her school friends over as lockdown eases and concentrate more on them? My dc have made more of their friends in school than around where we live mainly due to situations and proximity to people of their age who are like them.

No, one is in a different school & the other one is a class below her in the same school.. With covid the classes aren't allowed to mix so no school issues

"The mean girls & their siblings have been out the whole time during the lockdown..."*
*
You need to stop thinking in this negative and disapproving way about these little girls. I don't see how it's going to help you.

Apologies savoy cabbage, I've only been using "mean girls" to differentiate them to explain the background to my aibu... In real life we use their proper names!

Then I would concentrate on school friends, target parents with more than one other dc maybe doing the same activities. I have three and another parent saying 'why doesn't Suzie come to our house after school and we will drop them both to Brownies' would be fantastic.

Talk to her teachers and see who she is friends with at school, have a few of them over one evening. If she is seen to be popular then the mean girls will probably pick on her less. It shouldn't be that way but often is.

Keep the conversation going with the other two, reward nice play, 'you three are playing so nicely, would you all like an ice lolly?' and discourage mean behaviour, they are still young and simple behaviour interventions over time can have an impact.

@GrumpyHoonMain she literally said in the section you quoted she gets on well with all the other kids!
So I doubt she 'smells'.
OP I would have spoken to their parents by now about their girls' behaviour and if they can't behave then they don't knock your door.

@GrumpyHoonMain she literally said in the section you quoted she gets on well with all the other kids!
So I doubt she 'smells'.
OP I would have spoken to their parents by now about their girls' behaviour and if they can't behave then they don't knock your door.