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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child excluded on road advice...

60 replies

Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 08:21

My dd is 7, she's a lovely sensitive child & has started playing out on the road... Two of the neighbours dc similar age & much more streetwise always exclude her "our games are for two people only" yet let all the other kids in... Dd has made friends with a another child a few doors up but that the two other girls try to commandeer that child did themselves... I put toys on our lawn for dd & her friend & straight away the other 2 girls were in playing with dds toys & excluding my dd from her own play... I was childish myself & said to them this is only a game for two, sorry.... I don't know how to navigate this but I hate seeing my dd excluded.... The following day the two girls called to the door asking for my child's barbies!!!
I am over sensitive & over invested as I was always the excluded child & even as an adult always excluded from the school mum cliques etc... Any ideas on how to navigate the road politics would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 08/05/2021 10:29

@Cheeryblossom1

Thanks for replying, my dd was playing with the nice girl in the garden last night & they had a bag of crisps, the other two saw & asked them to share, I was out doing the gardening & I said "Dd only shares with little people who share with her"... Then then asked me for a bag, I said sorry there's only enough for two.... I felt so childish...

I don’t think this is childish. I think you’ve been very tolerant. It’s a difficult thing to navigate. My son had two friends at high school who he thought were good friends. Actually they were best friends with each other and only bothered with my son to take the piss out of him. They were horrible to him. They chained his bike to a pole at school one day so he couldn’t come home. Now they’re all young adults the two boys have gone their separate ways and one of them wants to be friends with my son. Kids can be so cruel.

Original poster

Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 10:40

@Jesusmaryjosephandthecamelthats just shocking, sounds like your son is like my dd & is totally oblivious... Like dd says "x & y are bffs", "they only want to play together today", "x&ys game is only for 2".... I'm glad I can see what's going on...
DH has a different perspective he feels dd needs to learn to negotiate & deal with difficult people from an early age & as this is our home for life there is the possibility of a major fallout... One of the girls lives next door the other directly opposite us... Its such a shame they don't want dd but I guess that's life....

OP posts:

WaltzingBetty · 08/05/2021 10:57

I would tell them in a child friendly way that they're being unkind and DD doesn't play/share with children who leave her out

ILoveIkea · 08/05/2021 11:41

I think what really irks in these situations is the bad behaviour being enabled by the parents. God forbid if it was one of theirs but because it's not they don't care.
Whilst I understand you can't force friendships you can guide and teach the basics of kindness and inclusivity and quash any behaviour that's bullying. And I don't think this only applies to kids. I've heard 'they're kids, leave them to get on with it' whilst the long term implications of repetitive bullying are largely ignored.
It doesn't hurt for badly behaved adults to have the impact of their antics pointed out to them too.

Quartz2208 · 08/05/2021 13:39

I don’t think it’s been enabled by the parents I think it has been created. If the two of them are left alone outside most of the time without attention there is going to be a bond there and negativity towards the OPs DD. They have to be cutthroat in order to cope

Is there anyway to create a back garden

Original poster

Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 13:50

Just had another little incident there... X was on her own & was about to call for nice girl at the same time as my dd... X told my daughter nice girl was playing with her even before she knocked... I called at nice girls house & told her mom I'd bring the toys out today, x was straight in to play all about my dd!!!
I told x she was only playing with nice girl today as she only plays with people who share with her.... She went off in a huff but arrived back in the garden moments later playing with the dolls... I explained to her v nicely that I didn't mind her playing as dd will always share with everyone & these are her toys & she does not mind sharing even though she was always excluded. ...

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 13:51

Watching her play with the toys & ignore dd & nice girl is really annoying me but I think that was the best I could manage...

OP posts:

LittleBipper · 08/05/2021 14:47

It's really difficult isn't it, I went out the other day to check on my son (8) and his "friend" was pointedly ignoring him, making hilarious comments about his scooter moving on its own to the other kid that was there etc etc. The friend had called for DS! He hadn't just inserted himself into someone's game. He'll also do stuff like tell DS he's going in to get something and to wait for him but it'll emerge that he's gone in to play Xbox. Bloody annoying, and DS doesn't really get that he's being taken the piss out of. Have decided not to let DS play out for a week for a bit of a reset so we'll see.

Original poster

Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 15:13

Its horrible.... I just hoped I managed it properly 😭 this is our forever home & I don't want to fall out with anyone...m

OP posts:

wishywashywoowoo70 · 08/05/2021 16:23

Gosh that child sounds like a little nob head

Hankunamatata · 08/05/2021 16:44

Firstly they are 7 and its perfectly health to play out after school at 3 pm in uniform uniform. Theres going to be situations like this all the time when kids play together. It's really important you start getting dd to advocate for herself. Also don't be subtle say out right to the child that unless she shares with dd and is kind that she is not allowed to play in your garden.

Original poster

Cheeryblossom1 · 08/05/2021 21:31

@Hankunamatata as mentioned above dds a bit oblivious to the bad treatment so when they decide they want to play with her toys she's fine with it, it's me observing who can see all the issues... I do wish she could see what's going on but she's quite innocent & not as street smart, wants to be friends with everyone....

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeryblossom1 · 12/05/2021 06:43

Anymore advice welcome... Dd was finished homework yesterday & was reading at the window... She saw the mean girls call to every house except ours. We bought our dog for a walk, they ran up when they saw our dog, cuddling our dog ignoring dd who was holding the lead... Another child on the road asked dd if she would like to join a game.. Dd was delighted. But at bedtime said that when the mean girls joined the game they wouldn't listen when she was speaking & ignored her... Its horrible, she's such a sensitive little thing & I worry about her self esteem....

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 12/05/2021 06:55

Your being kinder than me this happened to my daughter the kids wanted to play in my garden with out her I laughed so hard and told them of course that won't happen its her garden her toys another time they asked for food I suggested they ask there own parents eldest reacted badly saying I was selfish the younger was just sad so another mom had a word turns out there parents weren't taking care of them and they were hungry the school got involved with the mom turns out she was not feeding them as she was expecting everyone else to as the kids weren't "at home" 🙄

Original poster

Cheeryblossom1 · 12/05/2021 07:01

@theunamedcat it's unreal isn't it... It kills me that they are trying to take nice girl away also. DH & I are very old fashioned & always insisted the dc share, no one's left, everyone plays together... It's horrible.
Wow, that's unreal, can't believe the mother expected everyone else to feed her kids...
I think the part that hurts most os these girls will play with everyone else barr my dd... My dd gets on v well with all the kids on the road so I know these two have a problem with her...

OP posts:

BunchofFivers · 12/05/2021 07:20

I’m absolutely not judging you here but I would have gone about this a I’m absolutely not judging you here but I would have gone about this a completely different way as they are so young and your ultimate goal is to have a situation where they are all playing together.

I honestly don't see how saying 'this is a game for two' to a five year old is going to help the situation at all. She's not going to suddenly see the error of her ways and start playing with your daughter.

I really think you need to stop seeing these two small girls as villains. You are going to teach your own daughter that they are bad people and this is going to make her feel insecure and unsafe when they are playing out. Especially as at the moment it's you who is taking this to heart whilst your daughter is 'oblivious'.

I'm not saying that you have to pander to them or provide them with crisps but I think it would be beneficial to you to try and start seeing things differently.

And I don't think I would say that I'd they were nine or ten. But they aren't.

Original poster

Cheeryblossom1 · 12/05/2021 07:29

Thanks @BunchofFivers, they are 7 as is dd... I have tried the nice approach for so long but its just gone too far now... I feel especially protective of dd after she missed out so much socially during covid... Even during the height of the very pandemic the mean girls were out playing together every day & their siblings also... But thats a different thread...

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 12/05/2021 07:39

I think OP you need to take a step back now and just let her navigate it a little bit - she needs to learn I think a little bit how to deal with them without you being involved.

As I have said I do wondered if the problem is jealousy about you being an involved parent as well

I know you said the back garden is impossible but your DD does need some outside space just for her as well. Constantly using the front garden makes these issues appear

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/05/2021 07:41

[quote Cheeryblossom1]@theunamedcat it's unreal isn't it... It kills me that they are trying to take nice girl away also. DH & I are very old fashioned & always insisted the dc share, no one's left, everyone plays together... It's horrible.
Wow, that's unreal, can't believe the mother expected everyone else to feed her kids...
I think the part that hurts most os these girls will play with everyone else barr my dd... My dd gets on v well with all the kids on the road so I know these two have a problem with her...[/quote]
If your DD is the only child not making friendships on the street then you need to consider there must be wrong with how she’s socialising. Be brutally honest with yourself - does she smell? Is she vocal about her feelings? How does she speak. DN didn’t have many friends because he’s a know it all who used to make very hurtful comments to his friends - his school friends accepted it (probably no choice) but the neighbourhood kids who had a choice about whether to socialise with him or not refused. It took DB involving himself in play to make him understand how to socialise.

Pottedpalm · 12/05/2021 07:57

Or maybe these girls are manipulative madams who are bullying the OP’s daughter? I’m sure many of us have been hurt by the ‘oh I’m friends with so and so today, not you’ line.

ILoveIkea · 12/05/2021 08:04

@Cheeryblossom1

Thanks *@BunchofFivers*, they are 7 as is dd... I have tried the nice approach for so long but its just gone too far now... I feel especially protective of dd after she missed out so much socially during covid... Even during the height of the very pandemic the mean girls were out playing together every day & their siblings also... But thats a different thread...

Omg wasn't it heart breaking......We lived this and when we came out of lockdown she was treated badly a few times by girls she thought were her friends and the mums allowed it. Unforgivable as I couldn't imagine letting mine treat another child so horribly but there you are some parents don't want to parent their kids and find it easier to make excuses and be lazy.

MichelleScarn · 12/05/2021 08:05

if your DD is the only child not making friendships on the street then you need to consider there must be wrong with how she’s socialising. Be brutally honest with yourself - does she smell? Is she vocal about her feelings? How does she speak?

Seriously @GrumpyHoonMain the dd is making friends with another child, really thats your first thought, if a child's being bullied they're doing something to make it happen?!

Mellonsprite · 12/05/2021 08:11

It’s difficult, with the most recent barbies on the lawn situation - if you ultimately want them to all start playing together you could have made more of a point about them excluding DD? So said ‘yes you can play, as it’s nice to let others play, why don’t you let DD join in with you on X?’ And directly address it? But then if they reluctantly let her, they might resent it and bully her?

Cassilis · 12/05/2021 08:33

I was this child, I didn't become adept at handling this stuff and my mum didn't know how to either.

I think you're right to intervene as needed, OP. I would get firmer. If they come over to play as them 'why are you leaving dd out? If you're going to leave dd out, you can't play here.'

WeatherwaxLives · 12/05/2021 09:02

I've got a similar situation with DD. She's 4 and at nursery. There's 2 girls who she was always friendly with that will now only play with each other when they're both there, but if one of them is off then the other is straight to DD wanting to play.

I picked her up the other day and she was really quiet, apparently the latest was she couldn't play with them because she 'isn't pretty' - the reason she wasn't pretty? They were wearing imaginary jewellery and she wasn't! So she imagined some jewellery. Still not pretty.

I was so cross. DD plays with all the kids, she's not a social outcast in any sense, but these kids are like this to everyone unless one of the 2 isn't there.

I offloaded to my therapist, because I'm aware I'm a chronic people pleaser, bwry much a 'giver' and I get taken advantage of by 'takers' and it hurts. I don't want DD to be the same way. I told her I wanted to tell DD to not play with them if they're not nice, but was worried she'd get in trouble for excluding them!

Therapist told me not to be daft, that that's perfectly reasonable. So I've told DD next time one of them says they want to play with her she's to say 'no, you were nasty to me and it made me sad, so I don't want to play with you. Good friends aren't nasty.'

Whether she will or not I don't know, but I'm hoping I'm giving her the tools to stand up for herself, and to know it's ok.

I have spoken to nursery, and DD says she tells a grown up if they're nasty, so I think they're dealing with it as it happens but it makes my heart ache that I can't fix it for her

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