Have I ruined my marriage?

[Username404]

I told my husband something really hurtful. I don’t think I can be forgiven.
I told him I wish we could put our son up for adoption. I don’t know why I told him that, those terrible thoughts should stay in my head.
I have PND, and it’s not getting any better. Son has just turned 1. I have been persevering for a year now and there has been no improvement to my mental health. I’ve just given up now. I don’t want to keep trying anymore. I’m miserable and hate being a mother.
My husband was so hurt. He’s gone to bed now and I don’t know if he’ll ever talk to me again. Maybe I should just leave them both. I think it might be the best option for everyone.
I love my husband so much though. Can our relationship recover?

You need better help with your mental health. It can be sorted and is well worth doing. Your son will benefit hugely from having a happier mum in his life and you will too. What help have you had so far?

I very much doubt you have ruined your marriage but I can imagine you're in terrible pain and need better help. You deserve to have a loving relationship with your son and I truly believe it IS possible with the right help.

You need to insist on more help, so go to someone you trust, whether it's your health visitor, GP, or a family member or friend. It's not normal to feel this way, so don't give up.

Wishing for happier and healthier times for you. And even though you might find it hard to believe, your son absolutely loves you, and one day you'll be able to love him properly too xx

This is the PND speaking, I know this from experience. You need to go back to your GP and fully engage with MH services. You can and will feel better. PND is a recognised condition and feeling as if you can't parent your DC is a fairly 'normal' symptom.

I hope that you can sit down with your DH and explain to him how you're feeling, that you don't want to feel this way and that you are going to fully engage with Mental Health services. Together, you can get through this and your little family will be SO much happier. You can recover, but you need to do the work and your DH needs to support you.

Some people don’t like being a mum, that’s normally when the kids are young, they become great mums when they are older and more independent and font need parenting so much.

What help are you getting for PND? It can make you irrational and mix up all your emotions so you can’t function straight.

Seek help asap.
Of course your husband will forgive you, he should be helping you when you feel so low.

I’m currently having counselling. My health visitor referred me to a counselling charity. My GP prescribed me antidepressants but I haven’t taken them. Medication has given me seizures in the past, I’m scared to take the medication

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are going through this, my best friend had PND and was in a very similar situation to yourself. Please trust me if does get better but you do need to take your medication, if you are worried about side effects call your GP to discuss, they may be able to offer an alternative. Does your husband know you have PND?

My GP prescribed me antidepressants but I haven’t taken them. Medication has given me seizures in the past, I’m scared to take the medication.

Your fears are understandable. Did you discuss the fears with GP? Presumably they know your history and felt these were a safe medication. Are you more scared of medication side effects or of feeling like this forever?

Please take the medication or make an urgent appointment on Monday to discuss your fears of seizures with the doctor. Don't leave it like this. It may not get better on its own and you will lose your husband and the chance to bond with your child and make up for the time lost with him.

You are not yourself, you have an illness, you need treatment

TAKE YOUR MEDICATION.

It is the only thing that’s helped me. I broke down on my doctor’s surgery and told her I wished I’d not had my son and she basically said I’d had long enough trying other stuff - meds were now required.

She was correct.

Ask for different meds. I have seizures, I know how awful they are.. but not as awful as suffering like this everyday.

to you. Get help

You need to take your medication. I felt exactly like this when I had DD. I also told DH I wanted to put her up for adoption. Once I thought she had died and I was relieved. I feel sick writing that now. Counselling did nothing. But medication absolutely and completely transformed my life. I look back now and can't believe how ill I was and how long it lasted. It was utterly horrendous. And at the time I genuinely thought I was just a bad mum. But I wasn't. I was desperately sick. And you are too. Medication will help.

What medication have you been prescribed. I can understand why you are worried about seizures, can you contact GP to see if hecan reassure you.
A relative had PND ,her antidepressants made such a huge difference, please consider taking them.

Your husband is just upset to see you so ill, there is nothing for him to forgive and it is good you let him know how you are feeling.

My teen dd is on Sertraline for depression, it has been life changing for her too.

Big hugs and thinking of you. I think go and speak your husband and tell him that your suffering with your mental health and would greatly appreciate his support when you next go to the doctors so that you can find something that can help you both xxx

You told the truth and you were absolutely right to because without knowing the truth he can have no way of knowing how much you are suffering. This is one of those situations where I don’t think sparing the details / telling white lies / sugar coating is appropriate. It won’t benefit you (or your child) for your partner to have no idea what’s going through your head. You aren’t an awful person - just someone in real need of support.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know from bitter experience how awful PND is, and the intrusive thoughts that can come into your head. I can clearly remember, at a particularly low point, telling my DH (and my baby 😥) that I wanted to move to Australia to get away from them, and I really meant it at the time.

Is your DH generally supportive? I acknowledge that this will be hard for him too, but he really needs to be your support here. Him being hurt and going to bed doesn't sound great - but it's difficult to know, without context, whether he's just had a night of not being able to give any more, or whether he's just generally lacking in empathy. Only you know which it is.
More so, you really need to consider getting back on board with taking your anti-Ds. I regret not getting help sooner - I'm sure I would have made so much more of the baby years if I had.

What does he have to forgive her for? Being depressed?

You are in the middle of a mental health crisis. You need a lot more help than you are getting, and you need it now. In a month’s time, this could all be far in the past. You need to take the medication, and give it time to work.

Your husband will forgive you, the best way to get that to happen is to take active steps now to help your mental health. Refusing medication is not an option for you. You have it in you to deal with all of this, please accept the help.

I hope your husband understands it was a cry for help. Sending you a huge hug, OP.

Maybe you should leave, that's ok. it happen's, how do you feel about that?

@lighteincastlewindow

Maybe you should leave, that's ok. it happen's, how do you feel about that?

What on earth are you trying to encourage?! OP has PND, she needs to start taking her meds so she can be there with her child. There is no reason for her to leave, that is purely the PND talking and lying to her that she isn’t good for the kid. When in reality the kid loves her and she could be an amazing mom, just needs to work through the PND.

Think before you type!!!

Hi, I'm sorry your PND has become overwhelming. In your shoes, I'd definitely be back to the GP to talk about the medication and find something that doesnt risk having dramatic side effects. If counselling isnt helping, then you need extra help.

I'm sure your DH can see for himself hat thinking you want to put your child up for adoption is a dramatic statement, like a cry for help, and not necessarily something you actually want to happen.

I'm just thinking about your DH's reaction. Obviously I don't know anything about him, but I can see that after a year perhaps he is finding it hard work living with your depressive symptoms. And so walking away, and not reacting, maybe seemed like a good option. Perhaps based on previous conversations, he was worried about getting dragged down a rabbit hole, where he tries to persuade you that you don't really want to put your child up for adoption, and you don't mean the things you say it is the depression giving you these ideas, and then it gets very emotional which can be draining. Perhaps he is struggling to know how to support you and just needed a break from it.

Anyway, in your shoes I'd be trying to do everything under the sun to treat the PND. Show willing, try and sort the meds out.

Tomorrow, if your DH doesnt mention what you said about adoption, I wouldn't mention it again. Just leave it as one of those things you said when you were feeling very low. Focus on the things you can do to help yourself feel better, and give your DH a view of a pathway to recovery. And maybe even ask him how HE is feeling, if you have the energy, and sometimes knowing you arent alone feeling tired and depressed and overwhelmed can be somehow a relief.

Bless you. You didn't do anything wrong- you're just not well. Keep going back to your GP/consultant until something hits the spot. There are loads of different things and doses they can try.

Also is there more your husband could do to help you?