Have I ruined my marriage?

[Username404]

I told my husband something really hurtful. I don’t think I can be forgiven.
I told him I wish we could put our son up for adoption. I don’t know why I told him that, those terrible thoughts should stay in my head.
I have PND, and it’s not getting any better. Son has just turned 1. I have been persevering for a year now and there has been no improvement to my mental health. I’ve just given up now. I don’t want to keep trying anymore. I’m miserable and hate being a mother.
My husband was so hurt. He’s gone to bed now and I don’t know if he’ll ever talk to me again. Maybe I should just leave them both. I think it might be the best option for everyone.
I love my husband so much though. Can our relationship recover?

[Topseyt]

@Donitta

Donitta I don’t think he is a dick at all. It must have been so hard for him to hear and sometimes people just need time and space to process things
Not as hard for him to hear as it is for her to experience. Stamping off when someone expresses their feelings and asks for support is childish and unhelpful. “Please help me... no, how dare you feel like that!”. She’s taken a big step in reaching out to express difficult feelings and ask for support. But no, he is hurt by her feelings, it’s all about him. Never mind how she feels. He’s a dick.

No, he isn't a dick. OP never even said that he stormed off in a temper.

Sounds to me like he has been very supportive but must be out of his depth here. Especially as OP is very unwell but too anxious to take her medication.

I have a DD (now almost 19) who has had severe mental health issues for all of her teenage years. Looking after and worrying constantly about someone in the throes of MH crises is exhausted and very wearing. I've done it too. There were times when for my own sanity I had to step back, even if not for long. Was I a dick for that? No, I wasn't!

OP, please take your medication. Give it a good chance. Speak to your GP again. They should be able to reassure you regarding the worry about seizures and should be able to give you an urgent referral for the correct counseling services. Your Health Visitor can probably still help further too.

I had PND just after my first DD was born. Thankfully in my case it didn't last too long and began to lift after about 8 weeks but fuck me, it was horrible. I had many of the intrusive thoughts described here too.

Sympathy to you, and all the best for your recovery.

[Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep]

Take your medication.
Your husband is likely just tired and sad and probably frustrated that you won't help yourself and take the medication.
Just take it - it will take a lot longer to get better if you don't

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

Just take the medication.

If you continue to refuse to do the one thing that you need above all to get out of this position, that will ruin your marriage.

[Username404]

My husband didn’t storm off in a rage. He was tired and went to bed (he starts work at 5am).
He’s been supportive and caring every day. He’s the one that encouraged me to phone health visitor and GP. He does the majority of the childcare as well. Other family members help too.
I have all this support and it still isn’t helping me. I will have to start taking the meds.
My GP knew of my concern but said sertraline was “unlikely” to cause seizures. I have a lot of anxiety around having seizures though. I have a permanent scar on my face from falling during a seizure. I worry that a seizure will kill me.
I’ll ask to be put on a nhs waiting list for some kind of therapy/counselling.
Thanks for all the support. It’s good to know that people have moved on and recovered from this

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

He needs to help you through this, not take himself away to bed sulking!
Your depressed!

[Hankunamatata]

Please see start taking your meds. You deserve to feel better.

[rwalker]

@Donitta
The partners of people with MH issues have a rough ride it can make there life as difficult as the person with the problem.
On top of that there supposed to be there with endless support .

Especially when the OP won't take medication ( there are many different ones if seizures are an issue ) . They have to deal will the constant fallout ,bear the brunt of it ,frustration when they won't take meds and people calling them dick when they will be struggling as well.
He's proberly just feeling totally lost and out of his depth .

OP please go back to the doctors PND aside I think many new parents think what have they done and made a mistake .

It's a long road back being honest and saying that doesn't make you a bad person or mum . As difficult as it will be for him to hear it's good that you can be vocal keeping things like that to yourself is never good .

best of luck

[PermanentTemporary]

Please take the meds. Talk to your GP but do take them. Right now the illness is in control and you sound very unwell. Antidepressants will help you be well again and there will be much better days ahead.

[grapewine]

Take responsibility for your health and recognise the devestating effects your choosing not to do so is having on your family - and your own life and future.

Agree. YABU for not taking your medication.

[DrSbaitso]

I said that when I had PND. My husband knew it was the illness talking. Your husband needs to realise how serious and terrible PND is. Men often don't realise quite what it does to you.

[Hollyhocksarenotmessy]

Does your husband know you aren't taking the medication?

If he thinks you are, he must be in despair that it isn't helping. And you are lying to him. And you are refusing to take it for no good reason (you have no reason to assume this medication will cause seizures, and you could return to discuss with your doctor if worried but haven't).

This sounds harsh as I know mental illnesses can make it difficult to make rational decisions about treatment. But you need to get on board with taking responsibility for trying to help yourself. One day, when you are recovered, you will never forgive yourself if you don't.

I left my husband because he had a long term mental illness. I didn't leave because of the illness, but because he accepted he had an illness but refused any treatment for it, and it made my life hell. Your husband may be pushed into making a similar decision for him and your poor son. Take responsibility for your health and recognise the devestating effects your choosing not to do so is having on your family - and your own life and future. You could lose everything because you won't talk to the doctor?

[wizzywig]

Why are you worrying about your husband? Worry about you and your son.

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hello @Username404 we're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. You're getting some excellent advice on this thread but we'd also like to share some links to support that might help.

We have some more information about postnatal depression, here.
We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything that might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide.

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

[Donitta]

Donitta I don’t think he is a dick at all. It must have been so hard for him to hear and sometimes people just need time and space to process things
Not as hard for him to hear as it is for her to experience. Stamping off when someone expresses their feelings and asks for support is childish and unhelpful. “Please help me... no, how dare you feel like that!”. She’s taken a big step in reaching out to express difficult feelings and ask for support. But no, he is hurt by her feelings, it’s all about him. Never mind how she feels. He’s a dick.

[SionnachGlic]

You should at least try the meds, give it a chance...the benefits could so much outweigh your worries. Your son is nearly 1 & all this time you've been struggling with PND, but you are still there caring for &
looking after him, that is putting his needs above yours & that is love. It is not the all glowing in the sunbeams lind of love where everythng is wonderful because you are struggling so much. It is PND that is overshadowing everything. Does your husband know you haven't taken the meds. Please tell him, return to your GP if you need to & layout all your concerms & worries about the PND, medication. You need more help with your PND. Please get it & if that means meds, then take them. It doesn't have to be forever.

I expect your DH was upset but possibly also overwhelmed & thinking on it will realise it is your voicing the enormous struggle & illness you are experiencing. I hope you can both talk it out & together deal with it from here & please do take the help that is there for you.

[garden4569]

You will love your son, try not to analyse that too much right now.
your currently unwell through no fault of your own. You saying this is a symptom of your illness but as you get better, the symptoms will pass. Don't hear yourself up, and take the meds.. it will speed up your recovery xx good luck and be as kind to yourself as if a friend were going through this not yourself. 🍀

[PicaK]

Take the medication.
Wanting to run away is the PND talking. You're ill. Really ill and struggling.
And you're still there, caring for your baby and punishing yourself for just thinking about it. Can't you see how good a mum you are?
And your also your poor DH. Dealing with an ill person for a year. Perhaps not truly understanding that you're ill and that you're asking him to help you get better. He needs to get this. (I could get angry with him but it won't help)
Back to GP. Ring early help or whatever the equivalent is in your council.
Help and input for you both.
Keep shouting til you get it - ask him to help with this
Are you back at work?
If not get back there and put baby in nursery. Even if the net gain in £ for your family finances is £0 or even a bit on the minus side.
Don't lose yourself or your mind.
(Speaking from experience and I wish someone had told me this)

[countbackfromten]

@Donitta I don’t think he is a dick at all. It must have been so hard for him to hear and sometimes people just need time and space to process things. That is allowed!

@Username404 please talk to your GP again and start the medication. There is a risk with any medication but there can also be a massive benefit and for you that means not having to feel this way! The GP can talk through options but if they know your history with other medication (which I expect they do) they will have prescribed something that is ok for you to take. There can always be odd reactions but we know for most people anti-depressants are safe and can be life changing for many!

[Donitta]

Wow your husband is a dick. How dare you be ill and struggling, how dare you not be perfect! Dick. He should be supporting you with your feelings, talking and asking how he can make you feel better. Not berating you for daring to have those feelings and making you feel even worse. When someone has negative feelings the correct approach is to help them deal with it, not tell them they’re a bad person and refuse to help.

[Greygreenblue]

Don’t leave. TAKE YOUR MEDICATION. It was a literal life saver for me. The medication will help you to think clearly. Talking is not going to be enough if there are chemicals/hormones behind this.
Also If it doesn’t work, go back to the doctor and get a different medicine. And if you are worried about seizures then talk to the doctor. It’s unlikely to be a possible side effect and if it is then they can change you to one without that.
If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for the baby, for your husband. They would not be better off if you left. They would be better off if you got yourself proper treatment.

[me4real]

I have a severe mental health disability (bipolar etc.) and have always tried everything until they hit on the things that worked best for me.

I don't have much patience for people who don't try stuff- (and keep going back, and trying different stuff, and continuing a course of something that suits them for as long as their doctor recommends/agrees) but I know depression can effect some people that way.

[Whysolong7]

I don’t think the relationship with your son or you husband will recover without fully engaging in help and the medication you need.

It’s very damaging for your son that you aren’t getting the help you need I appreciate you don’t want your son, so that’s less of a concern for you, but you could loose your relationship with your husband if he chooses to leave with your son especially if having children is important to him.

[Pinkpaisley]

You need to take the meds. If you are worried about seizures, time the first doses so your husband can be available to watch you at whatever the window is that you are most nervous about.

If you take the help the doctors are offering, your marriage can get through this. You have to take the help. You have to show your husband you are trying.

[Happyhappyday]

I repeatedly asked DH if I could give DD back for the first few months. I also came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to continue, therefore I should run away. I didn’t. I did get counseling & ultimately anti depressants and completely recovered within a few months (and don’t need medication anymore).

I would suggest you talk to your GP about the specific medication prescribed, there are different types of anti depressants and it may be you reacted to a specific class. If you can get referred ASAP to a mental health professional with prescribing abilities who can really talk about options and your concerns that would be best.

Your husband should be on your side but living with someone with a serious mental health condition is really tough, he may just be feeling at a loss about how to move forward and not know how to help someone he loves deeply.

What you said isn’t really you talking, it’s the depression, you’re certainly not the first to feel that way & say but it’s imperative you do whatever you can to get proper help.

[thepuredrop]

You need to take medication. Untreated PND can worsen and it will only increase strain on your marriage and your ability to bond with your baby. Speak to your GP/HV re concerns about effects of meds, they will be able to reassure you and arrange different ones, if you wish. Your life doesn’t need to be this miserable, so please do go back and talk to them.