AIBU for putting her in her place?

[DrJPuddleDuck]

AIBU to think I got the better of this office bully?

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on. More recently though, I was offered promotion in another company (I believe a company they have admired for a while) to a position more senior than her. Perhaps understandably, I don’t think they liked this. I am currently working my notice period.

Anyhow, around three weeks ago, my manager called me in to discuss an error in my work. It was indeed an error/oversight, which I immediately corrected and apologised for. It didn’t thankfully, but it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble. My manager also informed me that “a colleague” had bought this to his attention. I was hurt by this, as I would have spoken to any one of my colleagues first, not least because it was clearly an oversight that was so easily corrected. I immediately suspected this person, but obviously had no proof, which made me suspicious of all my colleagues and really affected me. I discussed the situation again with my manager last week and said how it was affecting me, as I couldn’t understand why whoever had spoken to him, didn’t just speak to me first. I said I felt like I’d been to thrown under the bus. In response to this, my manager informed me (perhaps inappropriately) that it was the colleague I had suspected originally who had spoken to them. For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

Yesterday I saw this colleague, who wasn’t expecting to see me (as we often work in different offices). She couldn’t very well turn around and walk out, so sat down, but looked extremely awkward and avoided eye contact with me. We were alone in the office which likely made it worse for her. I asked how she was, and got short responses. I then suddenly got this urge to not let her win and to let her know that I knew what she’d done (very unlike me!!) I said “oh, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but (manager) let me know that you reported me for X. I just wanted to thank you SO much for letting (manager) know, or otherwise the error might have gone undetected”. She looked horrified, but it felt so good! Not only does she now know that I know, but she also knows our manager (who presumably she was trying to undermine me in front of) has betrayed her trust and it’s not got me in the trouble she was clearly hoping for. She also must have known that I was being passive-aggressive in thanking her, even though I said it smiling. I leave next week and feel like I’ve won the war.

AIBU to feel proud of myself? Part of me thinks I might regret embarrassing her at some point!

Korawick another poster who seems weirdly obsessed and focused on what another colleague is doing

What colleague? Why would it be "weird" to discuss work related issues in the workplace?

More a case of another poster making up nonsense to suit their "weird" narrative I think!

It's perfectly standard to discuss work issues with your colleagues, rather than trotting off to a manger and labelling them as mistakes to try and get people into trouble. The manager here has ciearly told the OP who did this for a reason.

If you really think that people aren't aware of little games like these, then that does explain your propensity for silly name calling, I'm afraid.

Some of the replies on here make me think they're the type who would go running to the boss to snitch on a colleague.

Well done to you OP. I'm not as classy as you and would have just waited until my leaving day and said "Fuck off bitch!"

Umimpressed with the people lamenting have been bullied in one breath then saying it's her manager's problem in the other. Technically, it is his problem, but isn't that how bullies operate? Trampling over other people to make themselves feel better and it's someone else's problem if they're hurt or offended in any way?

Good for you.
I've got a woman on my team who constantly adds comments to others peoples work to make them look bad
LM doesn't do anything about it because of her personality so we all suffer
I'd love to put her in her place one day.

Good for you.
I hope it doesn't land your manager in trouble though as this person seems to be quite a shit- stirrer.

@CirclesWithinCircles

Korawick another poster who seems weirdly obsessed and focused on what another colleague is doing

What colleague? Why would it be "weird" to discuss work related issues in the workplace?

More a case of another poster making up nonsense to suit their "weird" narrative I think!

It's perfectly standard to discuss work issues with your colleagues, rather than trotting off to a manger and labelling them as mistakes to try and get people into trouble. The manager here has ciearly told the OP who did this for a reason.

If you really think that people aren't aware of little games like these, then that does explain your propensity for silly name calling, I'm afraid.

@CirclesWithinCircles your original post stated

'this type of person often responds by portraying themselves as a victim. It's very common if they're a nasty bully to portray themselves as a bully and make constant claims that another person (anyone that confronts them or holds them to account) is bullying them.

They get a lot if practice at this so they can be quite good at this, and quite a few people believe whatever they're told, so stick up for them. It's generally best to just get away from such people.

However, if you're brave, you can set little traps for them and try and get them to put their nonsense in writing, as they do behave in predictable ways, can't resist showing off, over estimate their own popularity, etc. and as a result often are stupid enough to put something quite unacceptable in an email.'

I presume you were talking about someone here or is it just a character you have made up? None of it refers to discussing work issues with your colleagues it talks about 'setting little traps' like I said, that's pretty weird behaviour!

@DrJPuddleDuck

If you really want to win the war, OP, the war is with yourself really.

You sound proud of finding a passive aggressive response to this woman. But being passive aggressive isn't winning. It's an emotionally immature behaviour that lacks confidence and assertiveness.

Win the war by ditching this behaviour. Stop saying one thing to communicate that you mean other. Say nothing, or find a way to say exactly what you mean without hidden meaning or inference, with assertiveness but not aggression, and with compassion where it is appropriate. Everyone has their own battles.

(I think in this situation, as you are leaving, saying nothing would probably be the best bet. But an alternative would have been, "Hi X, Y mentioned that you'd highlighted my error on Z. It disappointed me that you felt unable to talk to me about this directly. Would it be helpful to either of us at this point to look at why you couldn't?")

People who support this kind of pass-agg behaviour and believe they are winning/getting one over/standing up for themselves are kidding themselves that they too arent contributing to toxic, bullying environments. They are perpetuating not winning. And reinforcing their own dysfunctional and unhealthy modes of communicating.

A new job is a good chance to look at how you communicate overall, and try something new.

@NewJobNervous

All these previous posters have clearly never been bullied at work!

Or maybe they work in roles where they have to deal with these kind of pretty squabbles all the time and it’s tedious?

I’ve never experienced these kinds of issues with men at work. It’s always between women.

Korawick youre not very good at presuming then. Its a perfectly normal technique in court. We get taught to do it at various stages. Its the reaction thats telling.

So, for instance, you have now quoted me at length twice on an Internet dg, while simultaneously accusing me repeatedly of "weirdness" and obsession. That indicates quite a number of things about you, which I won't go into here in the way you have done, because I'm not stupid enough to give you ammunition.

You now won't be able to resist responding, quoting certain words I've used but out of context, to attempt to create a certain impression of me, to what you imagine to be a large and supportive audience. Alternatively, you won't be able to resist trying to mock or demonise or even make disproportionate accusations.

It doesnt matter, its the reaction, and the amount of effort you put into it, that I want to measure.

The OP describes the reaction of her work colleague, of not making eye contact and being evasive, when of course a genuine work colleague with no ulterior motives would simply discuss the issue previously reported to the manager in a factual way.

Simplyfing hugely, but people without ulterior motives don't overreact.

Well done

I don't understand why you are so proud of yourself. You made an error and you admit it could have been a costly mistake. Your senior colleague discovered it and made your manager aware of it. She was doing her job. You admit you have a 'difficult' relationship with her even though she works in a different location. I wonder how easy you are to pull aside and have a chat with.

Be proud of getting your promotion but don't be proud of being petty and snide over a mistake YOU made.

I think it was a nice move! She was caught out being a deliberate arsehole and she knows it, but you did it in a very disarming way. Pfffft to the moral highground! She's been getting away with behaviour like this for years. Maybe experiencing how the shoe feels on the other foot might make her think twice about being such a shit stirrer in the future (probably not, but you never know!). Op gets a high five from me anyway!

Fingers crossed there’s no shit on mOnday , I would go to the manager if I was the other person and say I thought I could speak to you in confidence about the error I saw but I know via OP you told them it was me
I get why you did it though

This is another example of the thread going differently to the vote. According to the vote, the OP wasn’t unreasonable yet the thread is going in entirely the opposite direction with posters lining up to tell the OP that her behaviour was unprofessional.

I agree with that position, but it sounds as if the OP is right that colleague was out to make trouble for her in going straight to her manager to highlight the error rather than approaching the OP directly in view of how easily it could be put right.

Was there also some jealousy, in view of the fact that the OP has been promoted to a more senior position?

But I agree that it would have been better for the OP to let it go, in view of the fact that she’s moving on so soon anyway.

I wondered if you were my colleague, but unfortunately they haven't announced they've got a job to go to.

Any mistakes they make are to go straight to their line manager, and I normally copy my manager in. Why? Because their reaction to any mistakes they make (and they've made a number, including quite big ones) their first reaction is to blame someone else, and the second is to lie about it. I've watched them do something, then a manager say "oh this isn't quite right, could we change this", nothing major, not asking who did it, and they've shouted from across the room "nothing to do with me". Then when asked who did it, blame others-I saw them do it!!!

If you bring it up directly with them, they claim bullying; apparently asking them to follow data protection guidelines (and this was a major error which had potential for serious consequences) is bullying. The person that told them, simply explained about data protection and how to avoid the mistake in a quiet voice. They stormed out part way through.

If you ask them to do anything, they have a bone in their leg and can't do it. In their first week apparently asking them to do some filing (on their job description) was detrimental to their mental health so they couldn't do it.

Another one they pull is go to work "quietly" in the spare office upstairs because they "can't cope" with others around. That actually means they go upstairs, lock the door and put a radio on so they can claim they don't hear anyone knocking, and go out of the fire escape and into town for a couple of hours. We have CCTV on that fire escape...
And the only time they did stay in that office they'd etched a pattern into the desk. Couldn't possibly be them though, even though I can tell you not one other person went upstairs in the time it was done. Amazing.

Yet they complain that they are overworking. My reckoning is they do around 25% of their paid hours on a good week. The one week they did do something approaching hours because their manager was in the building they asked for a pay rise and overtime (didn't get it)

They're also vindictive. If they want something and don't get it, they do something spiteful, like "accidentally" knock the person's lunch on the floor. Well, if you count picking it up and turning it upside down "an accident", which they did.

Any pulling up on behaviour is either bullying or they are having such a hard time that they can't cope. No one has had such a hard time this last year as them-they said this to a colleague who had lost both parents unexpectedly in the last 3 weeks with no trace of irony.

So if you are my colleague, which I hope you are because we will be dancing round the room if we find you have another job, you are the one who has made the environment toxic. There are reasons why we go to your line manager and it's all of your making.

Btw we also copy in all emails to you to a manager, and get a delivery receipt. You look pretty silly when you claim that you haven't got them.

Especially silly when you say you haven't had any of the information, and know nothing about it... but can't do it anyway so there's no point having it because it's the date of your second cousin cat's birthday. None of us had mentioned the date so it was a dead give away that you'd had it, and read it.

Some of the replies on here make me think they're the type who would go running to the boss to snitch on a colleague.

Yeah, that’s right. Anyone not high fiving the OP and saying “you go girl, good for you blah blah” is a sneaky ‘snitch’ who goes ‘running to the boss’ (what adult even uses language like that?).

It couldn’t possibly be that they think that the OP is being silly and over-reacting, could it? And that they are capable of thinking that without fitting into your ‘sneaky snitch’ pigeonhole?

I don't think you have 'won ' anything.
You made an error,your manager was informed,probably as you don't get along so she didn't tell you directly in case you reacted negatively.
You put it right then approached your manager to discuss it again as you wanted to know who had brought it to his attention.You were eventually given that name you wanted.
Then you go behind the manager's back and inform her that you know it was her.
Which leaves both the colleague and manager in an awkward position....but it doesn't matter because you're leaving?
You are a trouble maker and have no grounds to be proud of yourself at all.

Good on you for calling her out. She should have talked to you first than try and score points

@BerylReader

Good on you for calling her out. She should have talked to you first than try and score points

Do you think OP would have taken it well, or would she have called it bullying?

She may well have gone to the manager precisely to avoid a conversation that could have turned nasty.

Well done op I think you did right anyway! Best of luck in your new job

I'm not sure what exactly there is to be proud of, you both sound as petty and ridiculous as each other.
I bet you weren't "bullied" either...in my experience of workplaces, 99% of people who've claimed bullying are actually just a monumental PITA to work with, don't do their jobs properly and then react badly and cry bullying when pulled up on it.

@cariadlet

So basically, you made a mistake, your colleague let your manager know and you've let your colleague know that you're aware of this.

Either I've missed something because it was such a long op or I'm just being dense because I'm tired but I honestly can't see how you've put your colleague in her place or how you've won some kind of war.

The OP did indeed make an error with the work.

However, snide colleague, who had no input into the piece of work and who went riffling through the OP's work for no good reason, found the error.

Instead of bringing up the error with the OP, snide colleague went straight to the manager, who called the OP in.

It doesn’t really make sense that this colleague had no reason to be looking through OPs work. Surely their boss would have questioned them on why they had been anywhere near it to discover the mistake. I think there’s a bit of fudging by the OP here.

Well done OP. I am so glad I work in a team where if someone cocks up (rare) we sort it quietly and all have each other’s backs. I couldn’t imagine a situation where one of my colleagues would raise something with management without first discussing it with the colleague.

Update for anyone remotely interested at this point: I can’t imagine many people involved will be focused on this on Monday, as I just heard on the grapevine that another colleague has walked out following accusations of bullying from the colleague I have had dealings with. I’m not close with this other colleague, but I hope they are ok.

Two days on, I still feel proud for standing up for myself in a small way. Thanks to those of you who have offered support! ☺️