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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for putting her in her place?

326 replies

DrJPuddleDuck · 07/05/2021 22:36

AIBU to think I got the better of this office bully?

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on. More recently though, I was offered promotion in another company (I believe a company they have admired for a while) to a position more senior than her. Perhaps understandably, I don’t think they liked this. I am currently working my notice period.

Anyhow, around three weeks ago, my manager called me in to discuss an error in my work. It was indeed an error/oversight, which I immediately corrected and apologised for. It didn’t thankfully, but it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble. My manager also informed me that “a colleague” had bought this to his attention. I was hurt by this, as I would have spoken to any one of my colleagues first, not least because it was clearly an oversight that was so easily corrected. I immediately suspected this person, but obviously had no proof, which made me suspicious of all my colleagues and really affected me. I discussed the situation again with my manager last week and said how it was affecting me, as I couldn’t understand why whoever had spoken to him, didn’t just speak to me first. I said I felt like I’d been to thrown under the bus. In response to this, my manager informed me (perhaps inappropriately) that it was the colleague I had suspected originally who had spoken to them. For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

Yesterday I saw this colleague, who wasn’t expecting to see me (as we often work in different offices). She couldn’t very well turn around and walk out, so sat down, but looked extremely awkward and avoided eye contact with me. We were alone in the office which likely made it worse for her. I asked how she was, and got short responses. I then suddenly got this urge to not let her win and to let her know that I knew what she’d done (very unlike me!!) I said “oh, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but (manager) let me know that you reported me for X. I just wanted to thank you SO much for letting (manager) know, or otherwise the error might have gone undetected”. She looked horrified, but it felt so good! Not only does she now know that I know, but she also knows our manager (who presumably she was trying to undermine me in front of) has betrayed her trust and it’s not got me in the trouble she was clearly hoping for. She also must have known that I was being passive-aggressive in thanking her, even though I said it smiling. I leave next week and feel like I’ve won the war.

AIBU to feel proud of myself? Part of me thinks I might regret embarrassing her at some point!

OP posts:
korawick12345 · 08/05/2021 09:20

@SoupDragon

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on.

That isn't bullying.

maybe she has been ‘off’ because the OP makes errors!
CirclesWithinCircles · 08/05/2021 09:20

I think some posters are unaware of how being targeted by someone like this makes you feel, and why you feel better having taken back control by confronting her (although the method of taking back control is actually irrelevant) l.

I'm glad to hear you're changing jobs, as this type of person often responds by portraying themselves as a victim. It's very common if they're a nasty bully to portray themselves as a bully and make constant claims that another person (anyone that confronts them or holds them to account) is bullying them.

They get a lot if practice at this so they can be quite good at this, and quite a few people believe whatever they're told, so stick up for them. It's generally best to just get away from such people.

However, if you're brave, you can set little traps for them and try and get them to put their nonsense in writing, as they do behave in predictable ways, can't resist showing off, over estimate their own popularity, etc. and as a result often are stupid enough to put something quite unacceptable in an email. She's probably also done it to other people too.

korawick12345 · 08/05/2021 09:22

@CirclesWithinCircles

I think some posters are unaware of how being targeted by someone like this makes you feel, and why you feel better having taken back control by confronting her (although the method of taking back control is actually irrelevant) l.

I'm glad to hear you're changing jobs, as this type of person often responds by portraying themselves as a victim. It's very common if they're a nasty bully to portray themselves as a bully and make constant claims that another person (anyone that confronts them or holds them to account) is bullying them.

They get a lot if practice at this so they can be quite good at this, and quite a few people believe whatever they're told, so stick up for them. It's generally best to just get away from such people.

However, if you're brave, you can set little traps for them and try and get them to put their nonsense in writing, as they do behave in predictable ways, can't resist showing off, over estimate their own popularity, etc. and as a result often are stupid enough to put something quite unacceptable in an email. She's probably also done it to other people too.

You can ‘set little traps’? Are you an 8 year old? Again another poster who seems to be be weirdly obsessed and focussed on what another colleague is doing.
KingdomScrolls · 08/05/2021 09:24

Was she going through your work or did she just notice the mistake while she was doing her own? I can understand why she might not want to approach you directly as you clearly don't like her. It all sounds quite petty to be honest.

DrSbaitso · 08/05/2021 09:25

if you're brave, you can set little traps for them

That's your idea of bravery?

KingdomScrolls · 08/05/2021 09:25

You've not given any examples of how you feel she's undermined you and said you couldn't put your finger on it. You felt insecure/undermined, not sure that's on her

MarinPrime · 08/05/2021 09:31

The fact that you made a point of talking to her about it in a PA way would have shown her you were upset. Why give her the satisfaction?

Better to not even mention it, carry on as normal and appear completely unconcerned IMHO. Especially as you're leaving anyway.

Aprilx · 08/05/2021 09:35

@DrJPuddleDuck

Thank you Thirsty! I’ve been bullied in the past and never dreamed I’d be able to stand up for myself like this one day. I appreciate what others are saying, but on a personal level, I feel proud of myself.
That wasn’t bullying and wasn’t you standing up for yourself either, more like school year behaviour.
Aprilx · 08/05/2021 09:36

*yard

Meowchickameowmeow · 08/05/2021 09:50

I hope this doesn't come back to bite your manager on the arse, they had no business telling you who it was. Very unprofessional on their part.

lostlife · 08/05/2021 09:51

Put someone on there place

You clearly think that place is inferior to you

Quite bizarre behaviour and wording of the thread by an adult.

Thesheerrelief · 08/05/2021 09:57

I understand the type of person and dynamic you're talking about, OP. The reason she can meddle like that is because she doesn't get called out on it and it's all underhand- especially going through your work. I think you handled it well. Best of luck in the new job!

takemetomars · 08/05/2021 09:59

@MindtheBelleek

But this was the obvious thing to do, surely? Or one of them? I would probably have said ‘Next time you’re checking up on my work, I’d appreciate you clearing it with me first, rather than toddling off to X. It’s the ordinarily collegial thing to do. And if you are that under-employed, I’m sure I can find you some extra tasks.’
Way better!
DrSbaitso · 08/05/2021 10:02

she doesn't get called out on it and it's all underhand

Like what happened this time!

Bananamonkeys10 · 08/05/2021 10:05

Op you’ll probably find your manager doesn’t like this person as nobody likes a tell tale.

I get the vibe my manager hates me at work because I’m often moaning to him about the mistakes of others including colleagues he’s friendly with.

I’m not some narcissist I’m just fed up of being consistently provided with work that includes sloppy, careless mistakes and having to work extra to compensate for it.

My manager makes excuses for his matey boys delivering rubbish work or doesn’t believe they would do this...however since making it clear to said matey boys that I will bring their rubbish work to the attention of others and no longer be taken advantage of and fix it for them, suddenly the standard had started to improve.

I’m sure you don’t fall into this category but maybe if I were in your shoes I’d be more concerned about the mistake you made and worrying a little less about somebody complaining about it.

Whymrsrobinson · 08/05/2021 10:06

I think we’ll done you! Guess you ( we can all) pick up tips to be assertive from some of the advice on here, but I personally think, baby steps! Well done! Next time you’ll handle it better, but you did it! And very well done for getting a new job 💐

korawick12345 · 08/05/2021 10:06

I am pretty sure that had the colleague (who OP has said is senior to her) flagged the error to the OP the OP would have considered this to be further evidence of this "bullying"

DrSbaitso · 08/05/2021 10:17

I tell you what, I would love it if everyone I ever pissed off, at work or elsewhere, dealt with it by thanking me and doing absolutely nothing else.

Livelovebehappy · 08/05/2021 10:19

If one of our colleagues makes mistakes, we’re encouraged to report to line management. You can’t be expected to sort out amongst you. What if the right corrective action isn’t done, and it escalates? Plus as you don’t like your colleague, would you even welcome them approaching you to let you know of your mistake?

Iamthewombat · 08/05/2021 10:19

I would probably have said ‘Next time you’re checking up on my work, I’d appreciate you clearing it with me first, rather than toddling off to X. It’s the ordinarily collegial thing to do. And if you are that under-employed, I’m sure I can find you some extra tasks.’

Yeah, because that wouldn’t make you look like a spiteful, petty twat AT ALL, would it?

DrSbaitso · 08/05/2021 10:22

If the colleague is senior but not directly above OP, it might be office protocol to bring issues like this to OP's own manager to deal with. I've worked in places like that and actually it did make sense; stops managers from treading on each others' toes and prevents confusion about who is answerable to whom.

DrSbaitso · 08/05/2021 10:24

@Iamthewombat

I would probably have said ‘Next time you’re checking up on my work, I’d appreciate you clearing it with me first, rather than toddling off to X. It’s the ordinarily collegial thing to do. And if you are that under-employed, I’m sure I can find you some extra tasks.’

Yeah, because that wouldn’t make you look like a spiteful, petty twat AT ALL, would it?

The colleague is slightly senior to OP as well, so the offer to source extra work for her would be...entertaining to watch.
BlankieBops · 08/05/2021 10:30

I work in HR and a) the manager told you this info so that’s on them not you.

b) what you did was fab and I would have been way more blunt about it. Some people are arseholes and she is one of them.

Imreaaaaady · 08/05/2021 10:35

She's hardly bullied you though unless there's been some sort of campaign that we don't know about.

slashlover · 08/05/2021 10:37

If colleague really hated OP then why flag the error up to be corrected at all? I would have not told a soul and waited for it to blow up, as OP says it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble.

Also, OPs description of the colleague looking awkward, avoiding eye contact and offering short responses was before she knew that OP knew. The error was reported THREE WEEKS ago so why would she still be thinking about it at all? OP is projecting.