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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wash my hands of my DM once and for all?

61 replies

Ociana · 07/05/2021 13:16

DM in her mid 60's is an alcoholic binge drinker and has mild LD's. She abandoned me age 16 and moved across the country without so much as a goodbye. That hurt. At age 23 I relocated to where she lives to rebuild the relationship only to discover she was an alcoholic. I've mentioned her on MN before.

I have tried to foster a relationship between her and my DC when she's sober (I don't tolerate the drinking at all so only let her come here when sober) but inevitably she lets them down, goes awol and causes me so much worry. Constant falls and injuries. Hospital admissions.

It hurts because it feels as though she's rejecting me (and now DC) all over again, repeatedly, despite me doing all I can to be there for her and support her. I just wanted my mum.

Due to the learning difficulties I have persevered and put up with more than I would if she was of average intelligence. I feel responsible for her, like I'm the mother.

Could your conscience allow you to wash your hands of her for good, even though she's technically vulnerable? She does have capacity and is capable of making her own choices. She doesn't want to stop drinking and I've had enough now.

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 07/05/2021 13:28

OP, even though some people won't agree with me, I think that everyone must realise that toxic is toxic. It doesn't matter who it is - mother, father, brother, etc. you have the RIGHT to heal from the trauma she caused you, you have the right to live without the drama and so do your children.

MrsTrumpDuTurnip · 07/05/2021 13:30

I agree with you @readingismycardio

Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 13:39

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

I've been stuck in the FOG for a long time feeling responsible for her. My aunt (huge enabler) tried telling me today that I need to sit down with DM and help her sort her admin because she needs to order a new bus pass, this is after she's had me going out of my mind with worry for the past two days because instead of telling me she wasn't coming she turned her phone off and went AWOL again.

It turns out she was having a jolly good time on the booze, with aunt, and didn't want to deal with having to ring me to cancel Confused

I came off the phone with my aunt and something clicked, I effectively thought "fuck that"

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 07/05/2021 13:42

This is awful, just cut her off you've really done everything you can at this point and you don't have to give any more

gamerchick · 07/05/2021 13:43

Do it. You'll not look back.

Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 13:44

That's the plan now Sciurus.

I've found a local al-anon group and I'm planning on attending my first meeting virtually tbis Tuesday.

Hopefully they can give me the tools to deal with the guilt that will follow.

OP posts:
Barton10 · 07/05/2021 13:48

I'm glad you have got in touch with Al Anon and they will tell you to detach from her with love and let her get on with it. Live your own life and be there if she wants to stop.

Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 13:49

For the past year she has been leaving her post office card here so she can access her state pension in increments when she needs money as opposed to pissing it all up the wall the day she gets it.

That will have to stop now so the drinking will magnify ten fold with her having large amounts of money at her disposal every month.

Good luck to her I guess.

OP posts:
Ardbeg · 07/05/2021 13:59

I've been in the same situation Ociana.

It can be tough- I hated the conversations with (in my case) social workers and hospital staff etc where I had to openly state that I wanted nothing to do with the situation. I could tell that people were making judgements. Eventually I just told myself that people were judging because they didn't know the full story and therefore couldn't put themselves in my shoes.

And the relief I felt when I finally admitted that I was 'done' was worth all of it.

Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 14:05

@Ardbeg

I've been in the same situation Ociana.

It can be tough- I hated the conversations with (in my case) social workers and hospital staff etc where I had to openly state that I wanted nothing to do with the situation. I could tell that people were making judgements. Eventually I just told myself that people were judging because they didn't know the full story and therefore couldn't put themselves in my shoes.

And the relief I felt when I finally admitted that I was 'done' was worth all of it.

I'm sorry you can relate on such a personal level, it's the pits isn't it.

I've always been happy to take those calls and have myself down as a primary contact but that changes from today. There's nothing I can do that I haven't already, she's beyond help and doesn't actually want any.

As much as it's a disease, she doesn't appear to be suffering - she's quite happy getting pissed 4-5 days out of 7 and to hell with everybody else. If alcoholism really is a disease then it's the only one that affects the family more than the alcoholic.

How long have you been NC if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 07/05/2021 14:10

@Ociana

For the past year she has been leaving her post office card here so she can access her state pension in increments when she needs money as opposed to pissing it all up the wall the day she gets it.

That will have to stop now so the drinking will magnify ten fold with her having large amounts of money at her disposal every month.

Good luck to her I guess.

It doesn't have to stop @Ociana - you could pass it over to your aunt who clearly has no issues guilting you into looking after your mum even after all that she put you through. I'd consider going very low contact with the aunt and no contact with your mum but you'll work out what works best for you.

You're taking the first steps by going to the Al Anon meeting. Best of luck with that.

Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 14:17

Thank you, LookItsMe.

That's a good idea actually, aunt can take the card and deal with the admin.

I'm virtually NC with my aunt already as she's a huge PITA for other reasons, I only spoke with her today as I was trying to ascertain that mum was safe and well.

She turns her phone off and makes herself uncontactable knowing I would struggle to travel down to her place with my small DC in tow, that to her is preferable to letting me know she's ok.

I must go through the dread of wondering whether she's knocked herself unconscious again on a weekly basis.

I noticed recently that it's negatively impacting my own DC as whenever this happens I can't relax, I'm snappy and generally less fun to be around.

OP posts:
Tambora · 07/05/2021 14:17

@Ociana

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

I've been stuck in the FOG for a long time feeling responsible for her. My aunt (huge enabler) tried telling me today that I need to sit down with DM and help her sort her admin because she needs to order a new bus pass, this is after she's had me going out of my mind with worry for the past two days because instead of telling me she wasn't coming she turned her phone off and went AWOL again.

It turns out she was having a jolly good time on the booze, with aunt, and didn't want to deal with having to ring me to cancel Confused

I came off the phone with my aunt and something clicked, I effectively thought "fuck that"

Well your aunt can jolly well help her order a new bus pass then, can't she?

Give yourself permission to wash your hands of the whole thing. You don't have to martyr yourself. Flowers

Ardbeg · 07/05/2021 14:19

How long have you been NC if you don't mind me asking?

About 9 months. Complete NC. My relative had no redeeming features though- there were no 'good days' and no desire to change.

I just realised last year that as a child I'd had no choice but to be subjected to that behaviour but now, as an adult I do have a choice. And I'm certainly not subjecting my children to it either.

HyacynthBucket · 07/05/2021 14:24

Is there anyone, apart from the aunt perhaps, who could be her primary carer from a MH point of view when you go NC? Could you contact her GP and make them aware of her needs and vulnerabilities, so that someone out there will be aware?
Good luck with your new situation OP. Its really hard when its your DM, whatever the particular problems.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/05/2021 14:29

I think I remember you posting before. Didn't she turn up drunk to see the children and you shut the door on her? I'm surprised you still have her in your life!

You aren't responsible for her or her actions, LD or not. It's all on her and it's time to let go x

Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 14:31

The only family members there are aside me is the aunt I mentioned and another sister who lives a couple of hundred miles away. Distant sister could potentially take on the role of primary contact, albeit reluctantly as she tends to distance herself from the family dysfunction.

I have uncles I've never known, one is also alcohol dependent and homeless somewhere - the other moved abroad before I was born and didn't keep in touch with anybody.

The local aunt mum is close to has severe MH problems so whilst she's an intelligent and reasonable person some of the time, much of the time she's incredibly difficult to deal with herself as she's routinely med noncompliant

God knows where all of the dysfunction comes from, my grandparents (now deceased) were wonderful, productive members of society.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 14:33

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

I think I remember you posting before. Didn't she turn up drunk to see the children and you shut the door on her? I'm surprised you still have her in your life!

You aren't responsible for her or her actions, LD or not. It's all on her and it's time to let go x

Hello, yes that's me.

I'm a mug really aren't I?

I stuck to my guns on that occasion and didn't let her in, nor would I ever have when she's drunk, but I continued to support her and see her when sober.

She doesn't appreciate nor care about me in the slightest.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/05/2021 14:36

She doesn't appreciate nor care about me in the slightest

Absolutely and, if she doesn't care about you, why should you do anything for her?

You're not a mug, just a daughter trying to do what she feels she HAS to do. But you don't. It's not appreciated and she's not going to change until/unless SHE wants to. Until that time I think you're best off going NC

LH1987 · 07/05/2021 14:38

You’ve tried very hard, so no guilt should be felt IMO. you can always leave the door open and say that you are willing to speak in the future if she is sober for a long period of time. Though it sounds like that is very unlikely.

Sorry your going through such a bad situation Flowers

CaveMum · 07/05/2021 14:39

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, but you should have no qualms about cutting off someone who only brings negativity into your life. You owe your mother nothing.

How old are your children? Is moving away an option?

Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 14:40

Thank you all, its nice to see that it's pretty much unanimous (I'm guessing the person who voted IABU doesn't have an alcoholic parent)

I'm determined to put my foot down this time and say enough is enough. I'm going to put her card in an envelope and put it through aunts door. I'll have to get mum on the phone at some point to make it clear she's not welcome here anymore otherwise she'd just turn up if she can't reach me by phone.

Time to take my life back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ociana · 07/05/2021 14:41

@CaveMum

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, but you should have no qualms about cutting off someone who only brings negativity into your life. You owe your mother nothing.

How old are your children? Is moving away an option?

I have a 3 year old, a 2 year old and I'm 16 weeks pregnant. Moving away isn't an option unfortunately, OH has older DC who need us to stay local-ish.
OP posts:
namechangemarch21 · 07/05/2021 14:50

I'm sorry OP. Nothing to add except maybe, after you've been in al anon a while, you could develop a few sentences you can say to people who might contact you. Not to justify yourself, but to stop the guilt.

So: social worker calls, we're sorry but she has nobody else, you can say 'My mother abandoned me at 16, I spent x many years trying to facilitate a relationship but realised it was impossible to have one without damaging myself and my young children. The only way I can protect them from this situation is to have nothing to do with this. I'm sorry, but I cannot help and that will not change in future.' Maybe not that much detail, but something that makes clear they aren't to keep ringing and guilting you.

But honestly OP, the only way to stop this disfunction and guilt spreading to your own children is to cut ties and work on your own defences. Your mum may be vulnerable but so are your children and your owe them a higher obligation.

Sunsage · 07/05/2021 14:53

I had an alcoholic parent, she is dead now 4 years due to alcohol. My other siblings cut her off but I didn't, i would never judge them or anybody for their choices.

As long as down the line you will not have any regrets in your decision to cut her off then absolutely do it. You need to put you and yours first.

Love to you, it is a shit thing to have to go through x