To wash my hands of my DM once and for all?

[Ociana]

DM in her mid 60's is an alcoholic binge drinker and has mild LD's. She abandoned me age 16 and moved across the country without so much as a goodbye. That hurt. At age 23 I relocated to where she lives to rebuild the relationship only to discover she was an alcoholic. I've mentioned her on MN before.

I have tried to foster a relationship between her and my DC when she's sober (I don't tolerate the drinking at all so only let her come here when sober) but inevitably she lets them down, goes awol and causes me so much worry. Constant falls and injuries. Hospital admissions.

It hurts because it feels as though she's rejecting me (and now DC) all over again, repeatedly, despite me doing all I can to be there for her and support her. I just wanted my mum.

Due to the learning difficulties I have persevered and put up with more than I would if she was of average intelligence. I feel responsible for her, like I'm the mother.

Could your conscience allow you to wash your hands of her for good, even though she's technically vulnerable? She does have capacity and is capable of making her own choices. She doesn't want to stop drinking and I've had enough now.

I completely understand @terraclutter

If I had a pound for every time I vowed to cut her off I'd be able to fund her rehab ten times over. Such is the struggle to break away I've often questioned if it's full blown codependency on my part. I'm far more bothered about her than she ever was me unfortunately.

I'm hoping I can stick to my guns this time with the support of OH and guidance from al anon to put myself first for once.

@Ociana I remember your previous posts and I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so tough, but I think you're taking steps in the right direction. Look after yourself and your little family, do what's right for you. Best of luck

Thank you, Clover. I really appreciate that.

You're all very kind, not at all what I expected from AIBU. As soon as I pressed post on my OP I worried I'd have my arse handed to me.

Life is too short for this. Whilst I've spent the day stressed and angry I've missed out on enjoying quality time with my small children. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll be seizing it.

@Ociana I completely get that. Every time I took my children to my Mums in the last 5+ years it was stressful. My Mum would be drunk and inappropriate and the house would be hot and smoky.
I probably should have cut ties but I just couldn't. I was also the one in my family apart from my Dad who would discuss her drinking with her. She would then be horrible to me.

I don't think I always put my children first and they did suffer at times.

I always loved her and think I always hoped she would reach out and want help but she never did.

I don't miss the alcoholic.

I've vowed that I will never make my children feel the way I've felt about my Mum.

Hope you're feeling ok today.

I remember reading your previous posts and am sorry you are struggling with your mum.

Is there any way you can contact the wardens from her supported living and tell them about the life admin stuff? If she has not engaged with support in the past then it is likely she won't do it now but at least you can know you have done something.

I'm hoping al-anon works well for you and you can learn to put some healthy boundaries in place. You have coped with enough heartache and deserve happiness.

She quite literally abandoned you as a child. You have absolutely no responsibility towards this —burden— woman.

Huge well done for sending that message to your aunt and your OH sounds wonderful. Your little family unit is all the family you need and I hope you have an enjoyable rest of pregnancy in anticipation of your new little one. You have been through so much and even more so since becoming a mum yourself had highlighted how evil it is to abandon a 16 year old child.

Well done, OP, for taking this step. Your message was perfect.

Huge hugs, OP. x

Bloody good for you. You e done the right thing

I had an alcoholic sibling - you are doing the right thing in going NC but it is hard. I appreciate the feelings of guilt and responsibility but your first responsibility is to your own children and your OH.
As a pp said I miss my sibling but not the constant anxiety.