To wash my hands of my DM once and for all?

[Ociana]

DM in her mid 60's is an alcoholic binge drinker and has mild LD's. She abandoned me age 16 and moved across the country without so much as a goodbye. That hurt. At age 23 I relocated to where she lives to rebuild the relationship only to discover she was an alcoholic. I've mentioned her on MN before.

I have tried to foster a relationship between her and my DC when she's sober (I don't tolerate the drinking at all so only let her come here when sober) but inevitably she lets them down, goes awol and causes me so much worry. Constant falls and injuries. Hospital admissions.

It hurts because it feels as though she's rejecting me (and now DC) all over again, repeatedly, despite me doing all I can to be there for her and support her. I just wanted my mum.

Due to the learning difficulties I have persevered and put up with more than I would if she was of average intelligence. I feel responsible for her, like I'm the mother.

Could your conscience allow you to wash your hands of her for good, even though she's technically vulnerable? She does have capacity and is capable of making her own choices. She doesn't want to stop drinking and I've had enough now.

[Reinventinganna]

Whoever voted that yabu has obviously never been in this situation.

Protect your dc. Don’t let them think that this is normal.
It’s really hard and you need a medal for putting up with it for as long as you have.

[CagneyNYPD]

@Ociana I remember your last thread. I'm so sorry that you are going through this now.

Your responsibility is to your own dc. Every hour that you spend parenting your mother is an hour taken away from your own dc.

Walk away, with support from Al Anon. Focus on your own children and give them the mother you didn't have.

[Ociana]

Thank you all, I'm finding your replies very helpful and taking on board suggestions.

I need to do some serious work on myself if I'm to stay NC as I've attempted it a few times but always gave in to the compulsion to check that she's ok. Is that codependence?

Must remind myself that she's not totally alone and there is other people that can shoulder the worry for once.

[Clarich007]

Hi OP.
It must be so hard for you to cope with this.I agree with everyone else on here.For your own and you family's sake you must cut ties with her.I read somewhere about the 3 C's of addiction.
1....You didn't Cause it.
2....you cannot Control it.
3....You can't Cure it.
Wise words I think.
Take care and good luck.

[Mytiredeyeshaveseenenough]

You've given every chance possible. I've been there. Mine got given the chances on the long shot my kids had the same relationship with her as I did with my GM. She blew it despite repeated chances. The kids don't know her and it's entirely her fault. I sleep better at night.

She wants to be mum, she acts like it.

[Mowington]

Is it your DM that lives in assisted living, turned up drunk and left on the bus then didn't answer the phone all night?

[CSIblonde]

IME with an emotionally abusive DM there came a point when I realised beating my head against the brick wall of her toxicity was damaging me so much I needed to step back. I honestly don't think I'd still be here if I'd carried on any kind of relationship. I think it's prob best to go low contact for both you & your children. I did wonder, is there a root cause to your DM's drinking? Is it a coping strategy, boredom, grief, trauma? Has she ever tried counselling to get to the bottom of it? The learning difficulties made me wonder if she's trying to boost a lack of confidence & self worth around that.

[Serendipity79]

OP I read your other post too about your mum and it really resonated with me. Not on the alcohol or MH front, as I cant relate to that but I am in a similar boat considering going NC or extremely LC with my mum as she constantly sides with my nasty sibling, has me paying her bills, and basically behaves like a child if I dont visit when she wants me to. I've managed in the past few years to get rid of an abusive ex, I've managed to convince my daughter to do the same and she's now in a lovely healthy relationship, and its now just the family relationship I need to sort out because I dont want my kids growing up like my siblings did or like I did - the example they see when we visit is just toxic and awful.

I think particularly as daughters with our mothers, there is just this huge element of guilt - that we're meant to be empathetic caregivers, and we feel a big sense of obligation and duty. But then we're also told by the world to put ourselves first and rid ourselves of toxic people. Its amazing the power a thread of DNA has to keep us attached though -- it is very hard and I dont envy you at all - sending you a big hug for bravery x

[Leafy12]

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through OP. This sentence particularly struck me 'It hurts because it feels as though she's rejecting me (and now DC) all over again, repeatedly, despite me doing all I can to be there for her and support her. I just wanted my mum.' We all just wanted a Mum, unfortunately it doesn't always work out that we get one. We live in a world also where we are told we must respect our elders or parents when often their behaviour is not worthy of this respect. I fully appreciate it will be hard to tell healthcare professionals that you have stepped back, but every time you voice that you are protecting yourself and your lovely kids and doing what you need to do. It sounds like you have well and truly had your eyes opened by this phone call so don't forget how shit this feels (I mean that in th nicest possible way) as a reminder to hold your boundaries.

[Ociana]

Thank you all you're very kind. My heart goes out to those of you who have first hand experience of toxic family dynamics.

OH came home and knew straight away what the matter was before I'd even uttered a word. We had a good chat and he said whilst he'd never tell me to go NC as it's not his place, he supports me doing it as I can't allow her to have such an impact here - my children must come first.

Is it your DM that lives in assisted living, turned up drunk and left on the bus then didn't answer the phone all night?

Yep, that's her. My god what a stressful night that was. It culminated in me having to phone the on-call staff based in another building who couldn't reach her at home on her buzzer, so they then phoned it in as a welfare concern given her history and contacted emergency services. I finally managed to get hold of her before they attended so was able to phone in and ask that they cancel it. Such a waste of resources.

It's not assisted living per se, it's a complex of flats for the over 50's and there's a warden there 2 x days per week for general check ins. The residents are entirely independent but all have an emergency cord in their flats in case of falls, and an intercom that can be reached by the H.A staff directly.

I did wonder, is there a root cause to your DM's drinking? Is it a coping strategy, boredom, grief, trauma? Has she ever tried counselling to get to the bottom of it? The learning difficulties made me wonder if she's trying to boost a lack of confidence & self worth around that.

It's hard to say what the root cause is really, I got her into counselling but she refused to go back after the first appointment. She has given so many reasons for the drinking, depending on what happens on any given week. Overall I think theres something in what you suggested, she feels more interesting and confident when she's pissed.

The three C's is going to be my mantra from now on.

[Gingernaut]

Pass the card and the admin to social services.

She needs someone with some sort of power of attorney. You're aunt is not suitable if she's happily drinking with your mum.

[Ociana]

@Gingernaut

Pass the card and the admin to social services.

She needs someone with some sort of power of attorney. You're aunt is not suitable if she's happily drinking with your mum.

The warden at her housing complex has made a referral to adult social services, not sure what's going on with that.

I also got her a support worker at a drug and alcohol support service but she didn't engage with appointments.

Aunt is definitely not suitable but she's the only relative in the area, short of giving it to her the only options are give it to mum and let her self destruct even further or keep it myself and continue to mitigate and monitor - which I don't really want to do as it forces me to stay in the thick of it

It's difficult because I've seen first hand how off the rails she goes when she has total control of her money, she doesn't pay her bills and just drinks and drinks and drinks.

I know the advice is to let the alcoholic reach rock bottom but in her case, given her irresponsibility, the likely outcome is her ending up dead.

[Sunsage]

OP, from a personal experience, I did all I could and more to the point of putting my own life on hold, putting myself through a horrendous time at the mercy of my own mum (a PP mentioned the guilt that daughters feel and that's what it boiled down to) and nothing stopped my mum from drinking and she did die from it.

So you cutting her off isn't going to change this path, from reading what you've said you have tried and tried more than enough and at the end of the day she won't help herself. The one thing going NC will do is help you and your family, who are the ones that are most important to you. I'm not saying leave her to die, but you need to live and get control back in your own life.

(sorry I really am not the best with words, I hope that doesn't sound too harsh)

[Ociana]

You don't sound harsh at all, Sunsage.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and that of PP who lost your mum in similar circumstances.

I totally get where you're coming from, sadly her impending death is inevitable and I know it won't be too long until I get that call.

She's 66 and says she's as strong as an ox etc, the reality is that a woman of her advancing age simply can't sustain these binges and endless injuries long term (not to patronize women in their 60's, my point with her is that she doesn't look after herself at all)

I'm worried I'll crumble when she passes as she's all I have left, besides my own DC ofc. Then i wonder.. Will I really? Because I've known and accepted for a long time that the day will come.

[Peachee]

Yes I agree - you need to detach and heal. You sound like a lovely person..
Your aunt just thinks that if she palms off the admin to you she won’t have to do it..
I’m sorry but you are worth more than being her scivvy.. you need to learn self respect something that DM and DA haven’t shown you. I hope you you can put some healthy boundaries up as hard as it is and you meet some new people who can enable you to heal and give you the love and support you deserve Xxxxx

[Ociana]

Thank you Peachee, you're spot on.

I do need to learn to respect myself. I was dragged up and never taught how to love myself or develop healthy self esteem. In many ways I'm still that damaged child just crying out to be loved. I need to do better, for both myself and my children.

[Ociana]

I've just had a voicemail from my aunt, giving me a list of things mum needs help with IE paperwork for a replacement bus pass and other admin. She was rambling on about how mum's front door is creaky and that's annoying her, the bus pass etc all reasons why she's drinking now.

I already told her this morning I won't be doing a thing more than I already have, and I've done alot.

Fucking cheek of her I resent them so much sometimes

[Ociana]

I blocked her number then sent a text saying..

"I got your message. No I won't be doing anything else for her. My children are my priority. Adult social services is the way to go now. Feel free to call them, don't contact me about it anymore. Thanks"

[MrsTrumpDuTurnip]

to you OP , you have done the right thing, stay strong for both you and your lovely family

[MouseInCatsClaws]

Well done op, that's a very hard thing to do, but the right thing. I'm sorry your mother isn't able to be a proper parent to you. Your children won't suffer like you did

[terraclutter]

Complete sympathy to you.
My DM was an alcoholic. I put up with a lot as she hadn't always been that way and I tried to hold onto how she was before the alcoholism took hold.
She sadly died in January this year aged 63. She had really neglected herself.
It's the hardest thing ever loving someone who is an alcoholic.
I contacted Al Anon who relayed the C's to me and said if I didn't distance myself she would drag me and my children down with her.

I hope she's at peace.
Massive hugs to you.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Do it for yourself and your DC it is sad but you're entitled to a life worry free.
It isn't a healthy relationship.

[EmeraldShamrock]

@terraclutter hugs for you too.

[Ociana]

@terraclutter I'm so sorry for your loss

how are you doing? Was you NC for long before she passed?

Hugs to you xxx

[terraclutter]

Thank you @EmeraldShamrock and @Ociana
@Ociana I hadn't went NC. I maybe should have but couldn't. My Mum definitely took advantage of that.
Alcoholism is such a horrible disease. I feel sad that her life was dictated by her addictions.
As hard as it all was I'm glad I don't have any regrets about how things were at the end. I just wish it all could have been different.
I so want better for my children.
I miss my Mum but I don't miss the constant worry I had about her.
You really do have to do what's right for you. 🤗