To not think my partner is a typical abuser

[Kaylasmum49]

I have been with my partner for 20 years. Over the years he has shown some violent and worrying behaviour. We have 2 dcs together ages 17 and 14.

He can be really kind and caring but can also be nasty, violent and intimidating. He has kicked holes in walls and doors, thrown things, broken things, drives fast if we have an arguement in the car, blames me for things he can't find, tells me to "fuck off" during arguments, makes comments about my mental health amongst a good many other things. But I am not blameless and will react to his behaviour and retaliate. I am not a nasty person and would never intentionally upset someone with my words but sometimes when he was completely worn me down I will say some things that I normally wouldn't.

I have been in touch with womens and since December and I talk to them weekly. They have confirmed that i am a victim of domestic violence but i can't seem to accept it. I was sent a book from them this week called "living with the dominator" and it describes the different type of abusive man, i can't pinpoint one particular type that describes my partner, more a mix of 2 or 3 but only certain points apply to him.

I am trying to find a way to leave with the dcs but it's not easy at all. I am desperately unhappy but still can't identify myself as a victim of domestic abuse.

I think the fact that you think he is violent, nasty and intimidating, he throws and breaks things, drives too fast if you've had an argument (which would scare me), makes fun of your MH and tells you to fuck of during arguments should be enough to make you want to leave. The fact that you can't label him as an abuser doesn't really matter.

Regardless of how fantastic he is otherwise (I would imagine the majority of abusers have their good points), you're obviously very unhappy, so you need to leave. What's stopping you? Money? Worrying about breaking up your family?

Sounds like he fits the description of domestic abuse perpetrator perfectly...

I am worried about money as I only work part time as my son has autism and needs me to be around for him. I am also very worried that my ds will not be able to handle a break up.

www.blackincbooks.com.au/books/see-what-you-made-me-do

You sound like you need this.

I would rather be destitute than abused. And I’m saying that having grown up in poverty.

You are making excuses not to leave and that’s understandable. But all of those things can be overcome and should be so you can live a life of freedom.

You are right OP, he doesn’t fit the stereotype of a “wife beater” but that doesn’t mean he isn’t an abuser. Similar to how a boyfriend stealthing doesn’t fit the stereotype of violent stranger rape, but both are in fact rapists.

You need to let go of the stereotypes in your mind of what DV is, what the abusers are like, and also what the victims of DV are like. You can’t think of yourself as a victim of DV, because you have a stereotype in your mind of what a abused wife goes through or is like personality wise.

He sounds absolutely like a typical abuser to me, my first husband was the same. I ended up in a refuge.
Maybe you are internally denying it because you are afraid of what life will be like single.
Well I can tell you what it will be like, amazing and free.

OP, if you are desperately unhappy does it matter if he is or isn’t a typical abuser? You deserve to be happy.

You've been in it so long that you've lost all perspective. It's like how alcoholics never think of themselves that way because they don't have the shakes or they can go without a drink for a while or whatever useful idea excuses them from facing up to the facts. Not blaming you, it's hard, and in the short term must feel easier to stay and put up with it. But your DP is an abuser - not some special kind of abuser that gets some kind of free pass, an abuser plain and simple. Women's Aid knew it, anyone reading your OP knows it and so do you if you're honest with yourself. Rather than grappling with definitions, it might help to focus on the practicalities of leaving, then you'll feel more empowered. Every step you take to disentangle yourself from this man will help you see more clearly and act more decisively. One day soon you'll be free and your DC will thank you for it in the end.

From reading your post, I think your not having problems describing him as a domestic abuser, more you are having problems describing yourself as a victim of domestic abuse.

I think you maybe have this image that all victims of domestic abuse are quiet, meek and subservient.
And in a some cases they are.
But victims can also be strong and outspoken.

In fact I'd argue that victims of domestic abuse are not victims. They are the most resilient people I know.

Either way, you are very unhappy, so it doesn't really matter if you see yourself as a victim or not. If you don't love him, like him etc, you are allowed to leave him.

Mumsnet and women's aid are a great support to help you.

Have you thought what you’d say if one of your children was in a relationship with someone who treated them like your DH treats you? Would you be unsure if it was abuse then?

There was a programme on BBC one last night called Ian Wright home truths - it was about how children are affected by domestic abuse. It was really powerful as it was mainly adults talking about how they feel now about what happened in their childhoods. I really recommend you watch it.

If i had to write the template of typical abuser, it would basically have been that. Sorry but you’re in massive denial

Why are you putting your children through this?

That book is not a checklist, it is to help you understand the dynamics of abuse.

Instead you are misusing it - deliberately by the sounds of it - to find excuses to continue damaging your children by forcing them to live in this abusive environment.

I am sure that hearing you are responsible for damaging your children by staying is uncomfortable, but that is the uncomfortable truth and something that all abused mothers have to face.

You are not some kind of special exception where severe abuse occurs but it's magically not really abuse. That thinking is just denial.

Did you even take a cursory look at the section on the harm this causes children? Are you going to put in the work to help them recover?

He is an abuser. You are a victim. Your children are even greater victims.

This is a parenting site, and you cannot ask or expect people to support your choice to be complicit in the abuse of your children. They come before you.

I think this is classic cognitive dissonance that DA victims experience: it took me a long time to accept that my not XH was abusive because he was capable of being loving, romantic, emotionally mature etc in parallel.

My XH also did not fit the picture of a manipulative abuser: I thought then and continue to believe that he was abusive as a result of his mental health problems and not as a deliberate strategy.

But the fact is that this is all irrelevant. The relevant point here is the impact of this abuse on you and your children. Ultimately, why he is abusive or how his abuse manifests itself doesn't matter. There is no acceptable amount of violence or abuse in a relationship and tying yourself up in knots worrying about which pattern he corresponds to in Lundy Bancroft or whatever won't help you.

If you are unhappy and experiencing control, violence, threatening language or intimidation you have an obligation to get out to protect yourself and your children. It's as simple as that.

He sounds like a typical abusive man to me
Listen to what everyone’s telling you

How are you set up financially?

oh yes he is.

He certainly sounds like one.

You don't need to be a victim to leave someone.

That environment sounds horrific for you and your kids.

You are desperately unhappy that is enough reason to leave.

From the outside he does sound like a text book abuser. Nice enough that you question your desire to leave and nasty enough that you are ground down and scared to go.

You don’t need a reason to leave other than the relationship is not working for you. There is no threshold he has to meet before you go.

If your friend confided this to you, you would be devastated for her and you would urge her to protect herself. Please give yourself the very same advice. You are so precious as a human being; as a mum. Don't try to wrangle categories to fit a man who has beyond all doubt proved himself unworthy of you. X

Op it’s unusual to describe him as nasty and violent, then describe the abuse he doles out in the home, yet then say I can’t identify it as domestic violence. Is it you are too scared to admit to youtself that’s what it is? Because you feel you can’t leave?

You don't have to identify what's happening as abuse to leave.

You've already identified yourself as being desperately unhappy.

That's more than enough.

He sounds very much like an abuser.

Have you read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft? It profiles several different “types” of abuser, and dominator is just one of them. However, it’s still not a checklist, just some profiles that an abuser could fall into, and again helps you to understand the dynamics of abuse, as a pp said.

My exh was emotionally abusive - one of the types that resonated was “the water torturer”, although it wasn’t the only one. Maybe check that out?

The making a huge fuss and blaming people when he couldn’t find something is exactly like him - yesterday he phoned my Dd at my house to ask if she’d got his remote control! Why on Earth would it be here? Dickhead.