To not think my partner is a typical abuser

[Kaylasmum49]

I have been with my partner for 20 years. Over the years he has shown some violent and worrying behaviour. We have 2 dcs together ages 17 and 14.

He can be really kind and caring but can also be nasty, violent and intimidating. He has kicked holes in walls and doors, thrown things, broken things, drives fast if we have an arguement in the car, blames me for things he can't find, tells me to "fuck off" during arguments, makes comments about my mental health amongst a good many other things. But I am not blameless and will react to his behaviour and retaliate. I am not a nasty person and would never intentionally upset someone with my words but sometimes when he was completely worn me down I will say some things that I normally wouldn't.

I have been in touch with womens and since December and I talk to them weekly. They have confirmed that i am a victim of domestic violence but i can't seem to accept it. I was sent a book from them this week called "living with the dominator" and it describes the different type of abusive man, i can't pinpoint one particular type that describes my partner, more a mix of 2 or 3 but only certain points apply to him.

I am trying to find a way to leave with the dcs but it's not easy at all. I am desperately unhappy but still can't identify myself as a victim of domestic abuse.

You are taking step to change your situation. Sometimes it takes a trigger for us to see what is right in front of us.

I can only tell you my experience. And I knew the way my ex behaved towards me wasn't that of a loving partner. As I move further away from it he was abusive. But it wasn't quantifiable His little digs/jokes his lack of respect his shouting wasn't his fault he had a temper etc etc. His mess he felt no responsibility toward me or the children. I serviced a purpose.

My son is also autistic. I worried about him adjusting etc. I work part time. Universal credits top up my income along side DLA and child benefit. Child support from his father would provide us with a better quality of life but he does all he can to avoid paying. Changing jobs going self employed etc. We get by. Our home is a happy calm safe place. My children are joyous. The instant their dad is involved they become withdrawn and emotional.

My son says it was the best thing his dad going.

I guess for him that emotional rollercoaster has gone. Dad mood swings and unpredictability isn't an constant anymore. For my son it has been years (3) of extra emotional support through school mainly but I pay for it now as it is a long term need. For him to air his emotional baggage and I hope have some peace with the situation.

I thought I would never cope in my own. But in reality I was doing it all anyway. And now I have one less man child to chase after.

You have got this stay strong and keep talking and having support around you and the children. You will flourish.

My dd actually was in an abusive relationship years ago. He was a horrible, cruel man who controlled her and eventually beat her up and raped her. He was sent to prison for 10 years. I tried for 3 years to get her away from him. I don't see my partner as being anywhere near like him.

Thelnebriati yes I absolutely would take up the offer. I am currently working but have had to cut my hours as my ds needs extra support, he doesn't attend school due to anxiety and sensory issues so we have lots of meetings with our local autism support group and involvement from the LA to make sure his educational needs are met.

While you may not see your DH as 'as bad' as your DD's partner this is not a game of Top Trumps. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

She also highlights an important reason for leaving - what are your children learning about how men and women behave in relationships? If you have girls are they learning that they have to put up with all the shit and if you have boys are they learning that they are the king who gets waited on? You do not want to see the same patterns played out in your children's lives.

@Kaylasmum49

I am worried about money as I only work part time as my son has autism and needs me to be around for him. I am also very worried that my ds will not be able to handle a break up.

Bet he can't handle te shouting and the violence either

I was married to a man who was an abuser for over ten years. I knew he was and finally had enough. I remember being in my own little flat about a year after I left him. It was a summer's day, my balcony door was open and I was sitting watching a film I'd always wanted to see on the TV. It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't listening for my ex's key in the latch, I didn't have to jump up and be 'busy' to save his nit-picking over me watching TV before putting the washing out (or whatever). I realised I didn't have to walk on egg shells anymore and it felt wonderful.

My now husband has just made me a cup of tea, told me a programme I wanted to watch is being repeated soon and said he'd do the hoovering that I said I needed to do before I watched it. It's not much but it's what normal people do for each other - if he has a match on the TV I make him a cuppa and insists he watches it. The point is I don't have to be 'busy', I don't have to justify why I'm doing what I'm doing. If I want a lazy afternoon, he's fine with that. Just as I would be. I don't walk on egg shells around him. When we argue I feel safe - he doesn't slam doors, hit furniture (or me), call me names or belittle me. He sticks to the point of the argument - like normal people.

That's the difference between living with an abuser and living alone or with someone who respects and values you. Not walking on egg shells.

@Kaylasmum49

I think I don't want to be seen as a victim as that would mean that I am "weak". I know that eventually I would be happy away from him but getting to that point is the difficult part.

It's not about what you are 'seen' as. It's about your children

@Kaylasmum49

My dd actually was in an abusive relationship years ago. He was a horrible, cruel man who controlled her and eventually beat her up and raped her. He was sent to prison for 10 years. I tried for 3 years to get her away from him. I don't see my partner as being anywhere near like him.

There isn't a template

Ok, I don't know how many times I have to say that I am planning to leave with the help of womens aid! I can't just walk out without anywhere to go. My kids are my life and I already feel guilty enough that they have witnessed our arguments without being made to feel any worse.

FWIW I have done my best to shelter the dcs as much as possible from the majority of the outbursts, in fact they haven't actually been witness to the violent behaviour. I am aware of course that they will know things are bad. The violence behaviour isn't a weekly or monthly occurrence. It's more the mind games and swearing/name calling that's the problem.

Why can't he leave? Seek legal advice they will explain the process.

Oh yes he is , does he scare you?
What about your child does it matter that he’s scared ?
You deserve to be happy not frightened that your partner is kicking holes in a door or driving too fast to frighten you .
Just because he’s not beating seven bells out of you every day doesn’t mean he’s not a abuser .
It frightens me that you can’t see this .

He won't leave as the house is his. How do you know my ds is scared? Again, I am trying to leave him, I don't need to keep being reminded how much of a bad mother I am.

Your son will probably find lifeless stressful out of a toxic environment where his dad is violent and his mum on the defensive. This seems a very apologist post.

Don't know what you mean by an apologist post. I'm defensive because I am being judged when I am trying my utmost to get out of this relationship. No one here knows me on a personal level, I have 5 children who are my everything and I do my best for them.

This is really classic...not many people are one dimensional evil people. Just because you have good times as well doesn't mean they're not abusive.

Also, the fact you're not perfect and sometimes react has no bearing on the fact it's abuse. Abusers often blow their victims' reactions out of perspective and say 'you're just as bad' or 'you're the abusive one.'

Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that book.
You probably need to do the freedom programme to acknowledge the abuse. I read somewhere that victims of DA attempt to leave multiple times before they achieve it.

@Kaylasmum49

What is boilerplate?

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boilerplate_text

He is a stereotypical, carbon copy of any old abuser. He isn't unique in any way, he's just a bog standard abuser, doing exactly what they do, the nice/nasty cycle.

OP you don’t owe any of us anything. Leaving him may feel like a mountain to climb but I believe you will find a way to do it. You already know you need to go - now you need to work out how. People here will support you and do understand that sometimes it takes time. Perhaps get the thread moved to Relationships.

I think you sound exactly like someone who has been conditioned for years into accepting this sort of treatment.

I relate very strongly to your post. I was with my husband for two decades. Very similar to what you describe but I couldn't accept what was in front of me either.

These situations lower your self esteem and boundaries gradually and because of that you cannot see how badly you are being treated.
I also used to react to my husband's abuse angrily at times and then used to think that meant I was as bad.

In the end I started writing things down. So when something would happen I would stop reacting at all and just factually write the series of events down without any emotion. What was said, what was done etc. I don't know why but these accounts of events were so obviously wrong, when I took the emotion out it (trying to understand him or trying to see what I had done that triggered it) I could see how wrong it all was.

It's been five years now and because I have normal boundaries back in place I absolutely cannot believe what I lived with.

There is life after this sort of relationship. My children and I thrive now. Our house is calm and loving. No eggshells or endlessly trying to understand an unfathomable person. Honestly, all that suffering and angst. When I left it reminded me of that scene from Labyrinth when the girl says 'you have no power over me'.

Life is too short OP, and you are worth too much to live like this. You are allowed to free yourself.

Having just read your updates I want to again say I understand. I think the process of knowing things weren't right, naming the problem and getting up the energy and self belief, putting the practicalities in place took about five years for me.

An abusive relationship is complicated and with children, very difficult to extract yourself from. I think contacting women's aid was a strong move, bloody well done.

I could have written that post word for word. I had to take a step back when I read it. I struggle to see my ex as an abuser too. I am no longer with him. He upped and left to a more 'competent' woman than me. I grew up with severe abuse so what I got from my ex didn't appear 'too bad' Has it affected my kids? undoubtedly so. I wish I had have left by myself much sooner and taken the kids. Please do what you can now and make plans even if it takes a bit of time to get them underway. Get away from him. you deserve a nice life and so do your kids.