To not think my partner is a typical abuser

[Kaylasmum49]

I have been with my partner for 20 years. Over the years he has shown some violent and worrying behaviour. We have 2 dcs together ages 17 and 14.

He can be really kind and caring but can also be nasty, violent and intimidating. He has kicked holes in walls and doors, thrown things, broken things, drives fast if we have an arguement in the car, blames me for things he can't find, tells me to "fuck off" during arguments, makes comments about my mental health amongst a good many other things. But I am not blameless and will react to his behaviour and retaliate. I am not a nasty person and would never intentionally upset someone with my words but sometimes when he was completely worn me down I will say some things that I normally wouldn't.

I have been in touch with womens and since December and I talk to them weekly. They have confirmed that i am a victim of domestic violence but i can't seem to accept it. I was sent a book from them this week called "living with the dominator" and it describes the different type of abusive man, i can't pinpoint one particular type that describes my partner, more a mix of 2 or 3 but only certain points apply to him.

I am trying to find a way to leave with the dcs but it's not easy at all. I am desperately unhappy but still can't identify myself as a victim of domestic abuse.

Please don’t minimise it btw - it’s definitely very typical abuser behaviour.

Well he is. But even if he wasn’t... you are desperately unhappy. Is that not reason enough to leave?

So he doesn't fit the stereotype. Doesn't mean he isn't abusive. Everyone is different, so their not going to tick every box of any preconceived idea. All the things you describe are abuse. Read up on Stockholm Syndrome. It's a psych term. It means you have feelings for your abuser as a coping strategy. If the abuser feels 'loved' the abuse is often Les frequent & more manageable for the victim It also makes leaving incredibly hard because you are so conflicted. You would get housing benefit help for low income & support finding somewhere to live & benefit top ups. It is do-able. There is great support out there. Please don't tell him you're considering leaving. Statistically that's when you're life is most in anger. Have a leaving bag with a few clothes,ID , passport, meds, sentimental items stashed away, ready. Don't go back alone to collect anything or 'talk'. Ever. Take someone with you. It's comon for abusers to ask to talk alone or say you need to pick things up to get you alone.

I grew up in an abusive home op, please for your dcs sake at least whether you think he's an abuser or not, organise yourself and leave ASAP

I left home at 17 to escape, brother was same and sister lasted a little longer, parents still married and mum is now dads carer which I hate she deserved so much more.

I'm 48 and still dealing with the mental health ramifications of such an upbringing.

He IS a typical abuser, just cos sometimes he's "nice" doesn't negate the abuse. Most abusers are like this - nice sometimes horrible the rest - cos otherwise their victims wouldn't stick around.

My dad is funny, generous, intelligent, thoughtful and interesting to talk to

He's also manipulative, aggressive, hurtful, cruel and miserly with mum.

Take the support you have available to you to get out in the safest way possible.

Living frugally in a calm happy home is worth more than anything money can buy.

Going on what pps are saying about identifying as a victim of dv is true too. Outside of her marriage my mum is an intelligent, funny, kind, generous, strong, capable woman. He's ground her down over nearly 50 years of marriage I know through her it started small and seemingly benign behaviours that increased over time. He didn't actually hit her until I was around. But the red flags were there before they married. I'm not sure if they'd have married were it not for me (shotgun wedding) either. That's tough to live with.

Staying "for the sake of the kids" when there's abuse makes no sense whatsoever

Please give your family the peace and happiness you deserve

It doesn't matter if he isn't a typical abuser, he is abusing you though. Why would you stay in an unhappy marriage just because he doesn't fit the profile of an abuser?

For your own happiness, please listen to the advice on here

He very much sounds like an abuser but I very much know what you mean about not identifying as a victim of domestic abuse. I left my abusive ex years ago now and I still struggle to see myself as a victim of domestic abuse. I saw recently that it’s noted on my medical records and felt a bit of shock as I thought that’s not me.
However that was one of things that kept me in the relationship; when I was in the relationship in my view my ex wasn’t abusive he was “troubled” or “stressed” or “struggling with issues from his past” or “aggravated by me” but actually the truth of it was that he was abusive, he was never going to change and I had to get out. Once I had that lightening bolt realisation I moved out pretty quickly.

Sorry I voted wrong .
Abuse comes in many forms.
I know only too well it can be difficult to get out of .
I am in no position to tell you what to do as I am so pathetic myself.
But everyone deserves a happy peaceful life. May you and your family have that happiness and be able to live as though you are not on eggshells always
Good wishes

Thank for all the replies.
Thankfully the violent outbursts are only about twice a year and he never behaves like that in front of the kids. We do bicker a lot which can escalate. I like to talk things through, he doesn't. It's more the emotional side that gets to me, he denies having said something to me and says "it must have been someone else", he once told me that he didn't buy me the engagement ring that I was wearing, I reminded him where he bought it etc, he still denied it. He later admitted that he was just winding me up.

Most of the time I don't know how I feel about him and when he is being horrible I absolutely hate him. I do find it difficult to see myself as a victim. He has been physical with me on about three occasions over the years, the last time was about 7 years ago and left me with a lot of bruising. For some reason though I am not afraid of him physically.

I have put in an application for a council house but don't hold out much hope of being offered anything in the near future.

@user1927462849194729

That book is not a checklist, it is to help you understand the dynamics of abuse.

Instead you are misusing it - deliberately by the sounds of it - to find excuses to continue damaging your children by forcing them to live in this abusive environment.

I am sure that hearing you are responsible for damaging your children by staying is uncomfortable, but that is the uncomfortable truth and something that all abused mothers have to face.

You are not some kind of special exception where severe abuse occurs but it's magically not really abuse. That thinking is just denial.

Did you even take a cursory look at the section on the harm this causes children? Are you going to put in the work to help them recover?

He is an abuser. You are a victim. Your children are even greater victims.

This is a parenting site, and you cannot ask or expect people to support your choice to be complicit in the abuse of your children. They come before you.

Great post and sums up the situation accurately. Harsh but so very true.

I absolutely know that the environment is harmful to my dcs and I am doing my best to find a way out so tbh I don't need anyone telling me about the harm to my dcs. I have already said that I am working with womens aid

A turd produced by a dog isn't exactly the same as a turd produced by a cat or a turd produced by a fox.

You still wouldn't want any of them smeared over your brand new hall carpet, would you? And if what you stepped in actually consisted of a mixture of the three, plus a dollop of pigeon shit, you'd still want it as far away from your home and children as possible, wouldn't you?

He's still a common or garden abuser you'd be happier and safer away from permanently.

My parents split up when I was 9 year old and it devastated me. They used to argue a lot which I hated but it took a long time for me to accept that they no longer cared for each other. I know we would be happier away from him but the thought of starting all over again at 54 is quite daunting.

But you wouldn't be 'starting all over again'. You'd just be starting a new, much better, much calmer phase of it. And so would your children.

Please, just stop focussing on whether he's an abuser or not. It doesn't matter. Aside from the financial issues, is that what's stopping you from leaving? You don't have to have a cast iron reason, or even somebody to blame. The fact that you're in an awful relationship, regardless of whose fault that is, is enough of a reason to get out of it.

It sounds like you’d find it easier to leave him if you felt that him ticking certain boxes / being a clearly identifiable abuser gave you a kind of permission to do it without feeling that you were overreacting or giving up on him. I think that’s understandable. Just remember that feeling unhappy is good enough reason. And yes, even if you don’t use the word ‘abusive’ there’s unhealthy aggression, violent actions and intimidation / punishment (eg the driving). Not healthy.

The violence actually isn't necessarily the worst part. I've seen and gone through it as a child of myself. It's the mental/emotional stuff that is far harder to deal with and move past

Starting over can be amazing. Don't let your fear of the unknown prevent your from finding a calmer, more peaceful life for you and dc.

When I first left home it took me a while to adjust to NOT living in an abusive home, but I pretty much instantly slept better and was a generally calmer and less anxious person. Weirdly I have ocd and anxiety now (dx and under treatment) but actually it doesn't feel nearly as bad as I did living in that house.

Constantly feeling on edge, having no idea what mood he'd be in when he came in the door, having no idea what mood mum would be in - placatory or pretence at "worm that turned", not knowing whether to take a question I was asked or a comment he made seriously or not, not knowing if I answered wrongly if he'd "just" shout or if he'd throw something or hit someone... it's a HORRIBLE way for anyone to live but especially a child.

I think I don't want to be seen as a victim as that would mean that I am "weak". I know that eventually I would be happy away from him but getting to that point is the difficult part.

Would it help you to explore the 'being weak' feeling with Women's Aid.

Women aren't abused because they are weak, submissive, small or any other particular adjective. In fact some abusers particularly target women who appear strong. Domestic abuse can happen to any woman, of any age, personality, social class, whatever.

Personally, I, and I am sure many others here, would see you as a survivor for having lived in this situation for so many years and kept on going, despite all the emotional abuse and put downs.

So I don't think categorising women as 'weak' or 'strong' is useful here. I'm not strong because I haven't been in a domestic abuse relationship - just lucky.

At some point enough is enough and you need to think about your own happiness and that of your children.

Yes you're right but I can't help how I feel. Maybe I am weak because I have stayed for so long. I'm scared of the future and how to cope on my own.

He can be really kind and caring but can also be nasty, violent and intimidating.

That's absolutely typical of an abuser.

Boilerplate, in fact.

What is boilerplate?

On some level you know you are being abused
As you FEEL abused
That’s all that matters

I did the whole 12 weeks and it was the final thing that empowered me to end it

I’d shift from box ticking
To the fact that you are really really unhappy

It’s scary 😟 I know
But you won’t regret ending it

I can't help thinking that maybe it's my fault. My mental health is bad, I have health anxiety which I know is hard for other people to live with. I am definitely not blameless in the relationship.

You have lived with someone for 20 years who has told you it is your fault so it's maybe not surprising that you think it's your fault?

Also living for 20 years with someone who you have to monitor your behaviour around at all times, may unpredictably be violent and changes reality would really mess with your mental health. Again, perhaps not a surprise you have developed an anxiety problem? He gives you a lot to be anxious about.

The point is you may not see yourself as a victim of abuse ,that doesnt mean youre not ,only that you maybe havent been able to process these feelings properly .If you are unhappy and need to post this to us then something is clearly wrong . Maybe see if you can have counselling to talk these feelings through .Women are often made to feel bad about "breaking up their family", and seem to put up with very bad behaviour that they shouldnt .If your DD or Sis was putting up with this what would you say to them? Sometimes the hardest part is getting ready to leave and when women are at risk .Maybe speak to DV unit as well

Kaylasmum49

Imagine your fairy godmother appears. She offers to wave a magic wand, and immediately transport you to a new life. A new home, where you can start to look after your health and look for a job. One wave of the wand and you go straight there with no effort.
The only condition attached is that its just for you and your kids.

Would you take her up on her offer?