To dislike DH's drinking benders

[ThatWasntThePlan]

DH popped out for a "few drinks" with his friend at 8 tonight. I left them to it. 10.45 he messages finishing up. By 12.30, still not home. I message to see if he's actually still alive - he's apparently just popped to friend's garden and is having a few drinks there. 1am, still not home. It's a Thurs night and I haven't slept as no clue if he was OK, when coming in etc. If I hadn't messaged he wouldn't have even told me where he'd gone.

I appreciate boys will be boys, lockdown took its toll etc...but these two do this on a fortnightly basis. They're adult men wives and kids who seem incapable of literally just having a few drinks for two or three hours and coming home without getting blind drunk. I don't find him cute or attractive drunk, just stupid.

AIBU and a naggy miserable wife?

"boys will be boys"?! What a load of shit. Trite, pithy maxims such as this have been used for too long to excuse the dreadful behaviour of certain males.
You're not naggy and miserable at all, but your husband is an immature, thoughtless twat.
Just go to sleep and pray that he feels like shit when he wakes up.

Nope, but I bet he thinks "it's easier to gain forgiveness than permission" so to speak, he knows he's being an arse but doesn't care because you " get over it". He probably jokes about the "wifey nagging" or "having a pass-out"
If he behaves like an arse, record him showing himself up, then play it back to him when he's sober.

YANBU OP. This would piss me off massively if my DP did this.

I would not tolerate this.

I had one of those.. my ex.. except with him, it was a few times a week. I consoled myself that as he got older, he'd settle down.
Instead, as I was busy with four kids under 12, he found himself a new drinking partner, and left us for her.
I built a new life.. he's dead now. Yours still has chance to change, but as PomBearWithoutHerOFRS says, easier to gain forgiveness than permission. Don't be a pushover like I was. Hugs..

I’d get the same budget he’s spending on drinks and use it for a night at a hotel. He might appreciate it more being the one being left behind if you get a night away every couple of weeks and leave him to it at home (I assume there are children, else this is not so useful!). Obviously point out if your savings are suffering by you expecting fair spending allocations then your resentment will grow and you might not Iike him that much anymore.

Just called to see if he was coming home. He laughed and sent me a photo of his mate having thrown up everywhere. I've locked him out and told him not to come home tonight. So totally disappointed and disgusted with him. It's just not ok. He's now cross as says he has nowhere to go.

@timeisnotaline In fairness, it's his personal allowance he's spending. He pays loads each month into our joint family savings.

This does seem a bit naggy IMO. He is a grown man, he can deal with himself and you are a grown woman you can too.
If he wants to have a night every fortnight to be a tool, it’s kinda fair enough so long as you arnt having to look after him or pick him up or he is shirking his responsibilities.
Some people just don’t grow up but I don’t think one night a fortnight to do something he has chosen to do on his own is unreasonable.

If he'd said from the start he was going out all night I wouldn't have minded as much. Although I have to say blind drunkenness just isn't an attractive quality in a husband/ father of my kids imo- some women may not mind it, but it's pretty repulsive to me, especially as I'm practically t total myself

This is not normal behaviour from a married man with a family.

Sounds to me as if he has a drinking problem,if he carries on drinking when he is drunk,that is a huge red flag.

I am an Alcoholic in recovery for the last 18years.Binge drinking is common with Alcoholics.

Leave him locked out tonight and speak to him when he is sober.Doing that every two weeks is dreadful.

Yeah, it's annoying and childish. He won't change unless he wants to. So why are your options?

Completely agree OP. It’s pretty revolting behaviour. I would be disgusted if my partner was carrying on like that too.
But it is their choice. I have an evening a week to do what I want to do, if someone turned around and said I wasn’t able to do something I wanted to do, as a adult, I’d be pretty pissed off. It’s definitely worth making clear how unattractive you find it to him, but at the end of the day it’s his call if he wants to act like a child.

YANBU at all.

YANBU to be annoyed. It's immature and selfish behaviour. (Photos of his friends vomit? Lovely.)

After he's sobered up, you could try to calmly explain how his choices are negatively affecting you, but I'd imagine you've done that before, to no effect. Maybe focus on needing to know when he's coming home, even if that means he'll be out all night sometimes.

Children need stability. They deserve a father who comes home at a reasonable hour and doesn't go out on benders every two weeks, and you deserve a husband who respects you enough to do what he says he'll do.

Grown men with children throwing up drunk on a Thursday night? No. Not OK

I haven't known anyone behave like this from being mid 20s/single. Sorry OP. Regular benders are for TV dramas I just couldn't live like this in real life.

What happened? Did you let him in?

So if he’s always done this fortnightly and understandably you “don’t find this an attractive trait in a husband and father”... why did you marry and have kids with him?

Fortnightly?! That’s a lot! My DH a couple of times a year (maybe a little more) will have big nights out but I really dislike him when he’s that drunk so he either stays away overnight or I might arrange to go away for the weekend. I put up with it because it’s not very often but I couldn’t if it was all the time and then having an impact on me

If you know he’s likely to go off and drink at his friends house then why are you bothering to stay up late and ask him where he is? When my dh goes on a night out then I say have fun and go to sleep

Nope. That would do my head in. I've nothing against someone going out every couple of weeks but I've no time at all for people who have to get blind drunk every time they go out, or for people who say one thing and do another.

Not acceptable at all.

I'd hate this too OP. No idea what the solution is though.

See, if this was a say, monthly, pre arranged get to get her, not on a week night, it wouldn't be so bad.

But fortnightly, throwing up, mid week and with a pretence that it'll be for a couple of hours, that's shit.

In fact the pretence would do my head in more than anything else. Does he think you're stupid?