To dislike DH's drinking benders

[ThatWasntThePlan]

DH popped out for a "few drinks" with his friend at 8 tonight. I left them to it. 10.45 he messages finishing up. By 12.30, still not home. I message to see if he's actually still alive - he's apparently just popped to friend's garden and is having a few drinks there. 1am, still not home. It's a Thurs night and I haven't slept as no clue if he was OK, when coming in etc. If I hadn't messaged he wouldn't have even told me where he'd gone.

I appreciate boys will be boys, lockdown took its toll etc...but these two do this on a fortnightly basis. They're adult men wives and kids who seem incapable of literally just having a few drinks for two or three hours and coming home without getting blind drunk. I don't find him cute or attractive drunk, just stupid.

AIBU and a naggy miserable wife?

It’s absolutely fine to have a night out (assuming you get the same time). But it’s rude to say you’ll be home at a certain time and not turn up and it’s rude to keep someone awake or wake them up, especially with on a work night. Dh has nights out and drinks a lot about n occasion, but he makes plans to go away for the night or weekend to stay with a friend/friends and I let him get on with it. I do the same. We have fun, but the other isn’t disturbed and dc and the parent at home know when to expect him/I back.

He was out until 3.30am on a school night?

I would have said to sleep on sofa when he got in so I'd have no idea if he was still out or not. I wouldn't be concerned about him as he's an adult.

I used to have one of these so I know the feeling.

@ThatWasntThePlan

I let him in at 4am. I'm totally knackered, he's not talking to me..And he's told the kids the reason he was on the sofa = he had a bad sleep, so they now think we argued and are glaring at me. Great.

How old are the kids? If they are older I’d recommend telling them the truth, why should you take the rap for this? If he was drinking until 4, he’s probably still drunk. I hope his not driving or working today.

He has an issue with alcohol if he does this every fortnight and is being investigated for possible health issues related to booze.

Can you have a sensible conversation with him later today about this, Op?

Don’t know. Has he always done it? Wouldn’t bother me unless he didn’t pull his weight with the kids the following day. I’d go to bed and let him get in with it tbh.

I can’t imagine a boss would be too happy with someone turning up to work who was on a bender the night before until 4am. He’s still going to be drunk at work

My husband used to do this before we got married (and a few times afterwards I think). I told him I wouldn’t have children with him unless it stopped. It happened once while I was pregnant. I was furious and told him if it ever happened with our baby in the house I would take the baby and leave. I think he could see that I meant it.

He’s an excellent father and almost always puts DC (15m) to bed. He hasn’t had much opportunity to go out what with the pandemic, but I’m not worried really. When he does start going out for drinks again I will ask him for a time to be home and remind him that going incommunicado is not okay.

I don’t think it’s too late for you to put your foot down.

Happened a few times a few years ago when dh went through a stage of meeting up with old mates that clearly hadn't grown up

Don't get me wrong a good night out is great but not when your so bladders you start walking a dangerous road home at 4 am when your wife has work the next day and has been kept awake waiting to be the taxi for an 11 pm pick up.

The last time it happened I told him I would never ever be picking him up again and if he ever did it to that degree again which meant I had to arrange child care at the last minute and go to work
On a few hours sleep we were totally done.

He did get invited to an outside get together with old work mates a week ago and mentioned it and I just said don't ask me to pick up or drop off because I'm not available for that and after a manic week at work I also want to unwind and relax in a sat evening not be on call. Told him to book a cab if he wanted to go.

He couldn't be arsed in the end anyway.

How has your day been @ThatWasntThePlan?

He's very apologetic and has said he realises he was an idiot. He cannot see he has a problematic relationship with alcohol though and seems to think it's fine because next time they'll just have one or two. I'm less convinced. I also don't really feel sorry makes me feel better about this. It's really knocked me tbh although I'm sure the "he's an adult and can do what he likes" brigade will think that's ridiculous. To me, it's knocked my trust, made me look at him quite differently and also I just feel it was very disrespectful to make me worry like that. I've asked him to just give me some space this weekend.

He goes out once a fortnight. And when he does, he has a curfew and you text him to see when he's coming home. If a man was doing this to his wife you'd have very different responses.

@Bluedeblue he text the OP he was leaving his mate’s and on his way home and rocked up 4 hours later.

He then goes to work I assume still with very high alcohol levels in his system. I wouldn’t be impressed.

He also has health concerns potentially linked to his alcohol levels.

@Bluedeblue As Ineedaholidaynow says...if you'd read my posts, I specifically didn't text him at all while he was out because I leave him alone to enjoy himself. I know plenty of his mates whose gfs and wives DO message constantly while they're out - I am not one of those women so no, I'm not just an insecure control freak. My big issue here is that, having said he was on his way back, he went AWOL. And then it got later and later. And it isn't about a "curfew" but 4am when you just popped to the local for a few on a weekday is a bit odd for a middle aged man, I think. Or a woman, frankly. If I did exactly the same I wouldn't expect it to be ok. In fact- I think I've done something similar once in our marriage. I was a lot younger and it wasn't a casual pop to the pub, it was a hen party so perhaps more expected. I ended up staying rather than coming home on the last train at 1am. But I did keep him updated at every step and was still v apologetic for that, never mind going AWOL!

I'd be saying the same thing if OP was posting about a female partner. It isn't on. I hope you're OK and I completely understand looking at him differently. I think you're wising up that he isn't good enough for you and are seeing this behaviour for what it is.

I'm with @ElphabaTWitch. I wouldn't lose too much sleep over this at all.

I would never tolerate this.

Boys will be boys held accountable for their actions.

OP I was married to a man like this. I empathise so much with you. Mine got worse - heavy drinking at home, staying up late to drink, TV blaring. And he was a belligerent drunk.

Divorced now, ex is merrily drinking himself to death. People with troublesome attitudes to alcohol tend to get worse. Neither of my now adult DC really drink, neither do I. I still feel very 'unsafe' around people drinking. My current DP doesn't drink much either.

I agree with PPs to be honest with your children.

@mindutopia

It’s absolutely fine to have a night out (assuming you get the same time). But it’s rude to say you’ll be home at a certain time and not turn up and it’s rude to keep someone awake or wake them up, especially with on a work night. Dh has nights out and drinks a lot about n occasion, but he makes plans to go away for the night or weekend to stay with a friend/friends and I let him get on with it. I do the same. We have fun, but the other isn’t disturbed and dc and the parent at home know when to expect him/I back.

Did he ask you to wait up for him till 0330 OP? Did he have something he was supposed to do but missed? Like work? How would you feel if your partner told you what time you should be home when you go out and if it went on later. To me it sounds a little bit controlling. If he didn’t have any harm, nor require anything of you, then it shouldn’t really be an issue that a grown up can’t deal on their own