To dislike DH's drinking benders

[ThatWasntThePlan]

DH popped out for a "few drinks" with his friend at 8 tonight. I left them to it. 10.45 he messages finishing up. By 12.30, still not home. I message to see if he's actually still alive - he's apparently just popped to friend's garden and is having a few drinks there. 1am, still not home. It's a Thurs night and I haven't slept as no clue if he was OK, when coming in etc. If I hadn't messaged he wouldn't have even told me where he'd gone.

I appreciate boys will be boys, lockdown took its toll etc...but these two do this on a fortnightly basis. They're adult men wives and kids who seem incapable of literally just having a few drinks for two or three hours and coming home without getting blind drunk. I don't find him cute or attractive drunk, just stupid.

AIBU and a naggy miserable wife?

It's plain selfish behaviour

Firstly he doesn't have the common decency to let you know he either won't be coming home, or he's home late.
Secondly he's left you, with no explanation to look after the dc.
Thirdly it's not just simply a case of one night, you'll end up picking up the slack whilst he has a hang over the next day.
And fourthly you're expected to look after the dc whilst he sorts his hangover out.

Hang on a sec, what exactly are you complaining about?

Him going out at all? Later than expected? Spending money? Not getting up to look after the kids in the morning? None of those apply.

Have you sat down had a proper discussion with him about and how unhappy you are free his drinking every fortnight.

If I went out with the girls, and came back later than expected. That's no ones business. Who does this affect? And if I was locked out, I would be furious. (Of course this doesn't ever happen, but if it did.... just playing devils advocate).

@emilyfrost he hasn't always done it throughout our marriage, far from it. Only since meeting this friend so last year or so.

Agree with @Oblomov21 is querying how does it actually affect you and your family? I wouldn’t like it either tbh, but what are the objective issues.

@Oblomov21 Mostly the lack of communication. When you message your wife at 11.45 saying you're just finishing up, then nothing further for nearly 2 hours (I don't chase with loads of messages as try to give him space) and actually don't get in until 3.30am, it stands to reason your partner may be worried. But also the heavy drinking on a week night too. Like I said, some people may be fine with that but I'm not really...certainly if he'd been into that when I met him, I wouldn't have married him. Of course I don't mind the occasional one off out out session especially if he tells me he's got a big one planned. But a regular occurrence is pretty nasty and doesn't sit well with how I personally think a marriage should work.

You locked him out? During a covid pandemic? Where did he go? He's not supposed to stay overnight with anyone?

This seems completely OTT to me.

Did you let him in when he came home then?

What age is he?

Is he working today?

I'd make his life hell today but I'm petty like that.

This is okay maybe once every few months but certainly not weekly.

You locked him out? good on you.he is being an arse...YANBU. I used to have a partner like that....used to.

@Oblomov21 nor was he meant to be at his friend's house until 4am. I waited up for him until nearly 3 then finally needed some sleep and having seen the state of his friend and his messages I didn't want him coming in blind drunk with the kids in the house either. If he was able to stay at his friend's drinking until that time he could stay on the sofa a few more hours until the morning.

@oblomov21 surely when someone behaves like this it affects their partner and therefore is their business?

I wouldn't like my husband to behave this way nor would he like me too.

Does he have to work today? What is his behaviour like when he returns home drunk?

It affects the children too which OP has had to deal with alone during her husbands weekly drunken arse behaviour. 100% its her business!

@ineedaholidaynow he's usually much better than this, he's usually late but fairly sensible as in falls about a bit, obviously drunk but OK. This time he was clearly smashed but the worst of it is he vehemently believes he's sober and gets quite nasty if challenged that he's actually drunk

I let him in at 4am. I'm totally knackered, he's not talking to me..And he's told the kids the reason he was on the sofa = he had a bad sleep, so they now think we argued and are glaring at me. Great.

How old are the DC?

What is he going to be doing for the rest of the day?

Blimey. Some of you must have low standards. Of course it isn’t acceptable to be a married father and going out binge drinking to the point of throwing up, and not letting your partner know when or if you are coming back.

DH and I are perfectly happy to go out drinking without each other, but neither of us stays out until the early hours, not do we get so drunk to the point of falling over or being sick. It is incredibly immature and thoughtless. We got that out of our systems when we were younger and single.

The lack of communication is simply not on.

He is angry at you and blamed you with the children

Hopefully he is still drunk, with that attitude but he needs to apologise

What is it with some people that they have no off switch? I like a drink - I went out with friends at the weekend for a spot of afternoon drinking, but there is no way I would have stayed out until 3 am and got so drunk that I could barely walk. Besides, it is just too cold here tjust now o stay outside until 3 am.

This is such selfish and worrying behaviour. It's not 'naggy' to not want your husband crashing in blind drunk at 4am into a house with kids on a school night. IMHO the fact any of the posters here would say this or you would even worry about it smacks of a sense of under entitlement amongst women relative to men. You're perfectly reasonable and within your rights to not to want your husband and father of your children to act like this. I'm frankly astonished anyone would think he's somehow entitled to it.

Yes, exactly @RampantIvy. I have no issue at all with him seeing his mate once a week and going out if that's what they enjoy - I just kind of expect my husband to at least keep me in the loop on when he'll be home and get back at a vaguely sensible time (before midnight) and merry, not legless unless it's a major weekend night out. But apparently that is quite a divided opinion, perhaps it's an age thing?

I hope you can get a decent sleep tonight but having been there many years ago I can say that I never stayed up - if he couldn’t get the key in the lock I would have left him on the door step and he knew it. He once vomited on our bedroom carpet after a stupid session. I went into the spare room and closed the door. He made a poor attempt to clean it up the next morning and then had to call in a carpet cleaner who told him he’d ruined it by what he used. I then cut up and removed said carpet, rolled it up and dumped it in his car, told him he needed to take it to the tip, went and ordered a new one on his credit card which meant that what he’d been saving up for he couldn’t now buy, lesson learned. No way was I going to get up and clean up his vomit and then have it be a great big joke about a great lads night out .

Basically if they behave like kids, treat them kids. In your case I would be telling your DC exactly what happened. Why are you letting yourself be glared at?!!

He's working today. He was fuming that he was cold when he got back but I had quite clearly told him via message at 3am when I'd basically given up, that I was locking the door so to stay at his friend's. If he wasn't too drunk to think he would also have remembered we have plenty of thermal gear in our cars! He had also been fine sat outside drinking until that time and walking home. Also concerning is the fact that he's recently had hospital tests for health concerns potentially (not proven) related to alcohol which he sort of vaguely acknowledges yet clearly won't do anything about, he really is in denial. I wouldn't go so far as to say he's an alcoholic (other members of his family are) but he certainly doesn't have a healthy or honest relationship with drink.

My exDH did this at least once a week. I couldn't relax not knowing when he'd get in or what state he'd be in. I also got 'just a quick half then I'll be back' - 3 hrs later, still no sign of him. I really started to resent him. If I ever went out, rare, I'd usually know what time I'd be home and would update him. It's respectful and polite.
Even when not drinking he'd leave all the domestic and DC work to me.
On the flip side, when we separated he didn't leave a massive hole in our lives.
You could talk to him about it but I doubt it'd sink in and he'll just repeat that behaviour. It's a habit. If it was just 'high days and holidays' you could grin and bare it but it isn't. It'll grind you down.

What work does he do? Please tell me it doesn’t involve driving