Daughter thinks we are poor

[MollysMummy2010]

This is no way a stealth brag as I know I am reasonably lucky.

Between me and DH we earn £90k per year but we live in London and poor choices in our youth mean we rent. My 9 year old DD has a small bedroom but has lived in the same place all her life. She has (pre Covid) had all the opportunities her friends have had re clubs, activities etc and I don't think she is aware that we rent rather then own our home.

Some of her friends live in huge houses and she seems to resent us for the fact that we don't. I try to teach her the value of money, and also, that as there are only three of us, how much space to we really need?

I am worried she will be embarrassed but don't want her to be!
What do I do?

[Frazzlefrazle]

See this is where I think you should use this to talk through your budget with her. We don't talk about money enough with children and we should. They need to see how adults budget and how much 90k actually get you. We live in a middle class market town and are probably in the middle income of our childrens friends however we are good at budgeting so we make our money go far. Our girls are very grateful for what we have and would never consider us poor. Also I don't mean sit down and talk through your spread sheet but just having those general conversations are good for then. The fact she doesn't even know if you rent or own is odd in my opinion. We rent and out children know this and they also know we are saving to buy a house which means no abroad holidays for 2 years which they are happy with because we have promised a dog when we do buy a house. They have to understand there are sacrifices to be made and no one has so much money they don't have to make choices on how to spend it.

[MitheringSunday]

Making do with less and being able to cope with changes and restrictions in lifestyle are unfortunately going to be a vital life skill for this generation, and money will only be able to cushion that to a limited extent. (Climate change, in case it's not obvious). So yes, cut her some slack but start taling about the wider issues. We're not going to be able to have people living in huge houses with as many en-suites as bedrooms in the future.

[Tumbleweed101]

We are the ‘poor’ people in a fairly affluent area. We have a council house while when they visit friends they go to detached five bedroom houses and see the difference immediately. They have tiny bedrooms while their friends have huge ones. It does make them look at the world differently. I just explain that every family is different and they have a single parent family so income is going to be far less than two earning adults. Just say if they do well in their education they may be able to work in a job with a good salary and have a nice house etc one day. That said, we may have a council house but it’s not on an estate, it has large gardens and country views so we are actually
pretty fortunate, they just need to learn to see that. My eldest daughter is finally getting more world wise now she is working and understands the cost of things better.

[FiddlefigOnTheRoof]

Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of snapping back how lucky she is. She’ll be put off voicing her feelings to you. No one feels they are lucky (or feels anything) because someone tells them they ought to.

I’d listen neutrally, acknowledge her feelings. The ‘lesson’ can come another time or in a softer setting.

[CanICelebrate]

We live in a very wealthy area (my house comes with my job) and one of my dc thinks we are poor because his friends live in houses that are huge.
He has many of the same things as his friends and in my opinion we have better holidays and do more fun activities than a lot of them, although I am sure we do earn considerably less than anyone else on our area as we definitely couldn’t afford to buy here.
But to him it’s all about the size of the house! Our house is detached and big by the standards of most areas but he still thinks it is small as the surrounding area has houses that are really big. We also have a house in another area that we own and rent out while we live here. I try to encourage gratitude and perspective but he doesn’t get it! My older dc have never been like this and it is frustrating. It makes me feel unnecessarily guilty!

[CanICelebrate]

Just to add our house is detached but with small rooms and their bedrooms are small which is one definite point of comparison for my son.

[mathanxiety]

YYY to that @FiddlefigOnTheRoof.

Now is the time for you and your H to build up the relationship you have with your DD.

Do family things together. Try to find out her interests as they develop, and encourage them. Share your passions with her. Include her in your hobbies. Talk about books she is reading, music she's listening to, fashion she's interested in.

Teach her to cook and do her own laundry, and have her produce a family meal once a week. Nothing beats the feeling of being 'less than' like the confidence that comes from being able and trusted to contribute in your own family.

[newnortherner111]

If the programme with Marcus Rashford on his campaigning for holiday meals for children is still on IPlayer, sit her down and watch it. Hopefully it will give her some perspective.

[KeyboardWorriers]

@Happyhappyday I WFH mainly and my job is based outside London.

But I think if it was a choice between never being able to buy /renting a tiny flat despite a high -ish income then the commute might seem a sacrifice worth making.

I expect Op wouldnt need to move as far away anyway.

[Newnormal99]

I earn a decent salary but as a single parent with a mortgage past retirement age I have to try and over pay that and build savings as the main priority.

To my 9yo she doesn't really understand how much money is worth. She's had about £100 in her go Henry where her pocket money had build up with lockdown and that's unimaginable wealth.

She has no idea of the relative cost of things vs income. To her earning £1000 a month would buy the world.

With the 13yo I am trying to make her understand. Although she doesn't know how much I earn I have told her how much the mortgage is and explained we have to pay that without even all the other costs of living.

We don't really tend to have holidays other than couple of nights away but a lot of her school friends have family abroad - all I hear is x went here for 4 weeks in the summer and y went somewhere else for 5 weeks. Well yes they are staying with family so it's a lot cheaper!

I also try and explain that actually blowing £30 on a Chinese for one meal may be some peoples food budget for week.

Her school is a very mixed intake so I would imagine she is average - I think she just cherry picks the people she compares herself too!

[cathybates]

Definitely get her donating clothes, giving to food banks etc and teach her what is really important in life now. My dad grew up in a working class house (my nana worked in a factory and my grandad sold insurance door to door). He did relatively ok for himself in life but has always been impressed by wealth and status. Unfortunately he foisted those beliefs on me from a very young age, such that I’ve always struggled with not being good enough and taking pretty much all my self worth from academic and financial achievements and it’s made me bloody miserable. I’m a bit better with it now after a lot of work but I still struggle (I had a very high flying job with endless salary potential but it was killing me stress wise so now work in a different role part time as also have 2 DC and want to be there for them - means a lot of my peers are all buying huge houses with loads of land and we are not) but I am working on it and am going to try so hard to ensure my kids don’t feel like I did/do.

It’s so important to sort this out now or she will be plagued by a lifetime of comparison and misery in all areas of life (as it permeates into every area)

[ChubbyLittleManInACampervan]

Is she at a private school ?

I have a few friends whose kids are at private schools, and one kid asked “mummy, why are those people waiting by the side of the road?” , “they are waiting for the bus darling”, “but why don’t they use their car?” He was 11.

Other friend’s DS, from private school, now 21, has raged about how poor his background is as he can only afford to ski once a year, and the car he got given for his 21st HAD to be a bmw or Audi, or else his friends would laugh. He honestly raged at the sight of the VW and made his mum change it for a bmw

Teenage daughter (private again) of other friend is too embarrassed to invite friends around, as her parents live in a bungalow (the horror )

And so many more stories like that. It put me off private school

[ViceLikeBlip]

I tried to explain to my kids the other day that we're absolutely not poor, and in fact we're lucky and should be grateful for how much we have (I mean, we're not mumsnet 200k-a-year-plus-bonuses wealthy! But we own a nice big house in an area where many people don't, and two parents working part time earn 45k between us)

Long story short - my kids now keep telling everyone they meet that we're really rich 🤦‍♀️

[SelkieFly]

My daughter thought that too. Now she is 18 she gets it. There are boys from her primary school who went to private school and have been a bit "here's a poor person" when they met her in town or through their mutual friends. But hang in there @MollysMummy2010
My dd was shocked when i said i hoped we would qualify for a partial grant for college (in ireland). She thinks because our house is small and we have no car that we are poor, but filling in the grant application might have given her pause for thought. Also she knows now that as a single parent, a lot of the families dont have twice what we have, so are we rich?? I feel it sometimes. So glad i 100% own what i have. It's a blessing. I hope your dd sees things differently soon.🍷

[malificent7]

I"m desperate for a trip to India with dd for this very reason. Kids have no idea.

[speakout]

kindlekeeper
We have a very big house for London and it’s a huge regretful drain on finances and we earn six times this. A millstone!

My heart bleeds for you.

[MyOctopusFeature]

NRTFT but let her know you do not own your own home and will rent into retirement. Tell her that she needs to work hard and smartly. That looking at how other people live and feeling entitled will rob her of self belief and motivation and ultimately hold her back. She has a warm bed, clothes, food, etc and that should be enough.

[SelkieFly]

@chubbylittlemaninacaravan
Yes i think children at private schools are a part of this sad mindset that "we are poor"
My dd went to a v nice primary school where a quarter of the other dc in her class went to private schools. Not the staggering expense it is in the uk but still, 10k a year after uniform etc
So from quite a young age she seemed to think that that was what you would choose if you could. Maybe that's true 🤷‍♀️

[Lbjfu10948]

Oh am sorry I do understand that it must be annoying for both of you. Its hard to be a kid in that situation because in comparison to others she is poor and by 9 they are likely to discuss stuff like that. I grew up like that and it was annoying. On the plus side, it did show me another world i.e. people who assume and earn lots of money, have big houses, private schools and skiing every year is standard. It also taught me that I could be friends with these people. The UK is socially quite a segregated place so it is good for your DD to have a glimpse of that life. In practice, I ended up as an academic married to an academic so neither of us earn the big bucks.

For our own kid, we toyed with the idea of living in a two bed flat in North London because I wanted DD to be aware of the social strata that statistically does control a lot of entry points in the UK. In the end we decided to move to SE London and get a three bed house for the money while DD is in primary school. But the plan is to move to a two bed flat for her to go to an outstanding secondary i.e. in the wealthy area of SE London. I know that I will have to explain our choices but also tell DD that if she wants material things she needs to pick the right career.

[Lovemusic33]

My kids think I’m poor because I won’t buy them a take away every weekend 😁, I’m not poor, I just don’t want to be obese.

[SelkieFly]

@newnormal99
That is so true what you said about cherry picking who they compare themselves to.

That mak3s it obvious it's old fashioned envy and they can blame their parents for not being richer if they say "we're poor" using richest kids in the class as the yardstick! What about the kids who couldnt go on the school trip? Or kids expected to work the moment they leave school. They never compare themselves to those kids!

[Musmerian]

I’m a teacher and so is OH. He teaches at a rural boarding/day school. All three DCs went there and are convinced we’re poor in contrast to their classmates. When DD was a teen she once ended a tirade with ‘And we live in a terraced house.’! Now they’ve left home they’ve gained a bit of perspective on how privileged they actually are. They also used to get annoyed that we were happy to pay for school trips/experiences but not for expensive stuff.

[SelkieFly]

@Lovemusic33

My kids think I’m poor because I won’t buy them a take away every weekend 😁, I’m not poor, I just don’t want to be obese.

Thai food!

[Insert1x20p]

I've been searching for the actual study and cant find it, but to paraphrase, basically, people are happier if they're financially at the top of their peer group than the bottom, regardless of status compared to total population - so if none of your friends have a car and you have an old banger then your perception of your own status and wellbeing is greater than the person with a brand new Tesla whose friends all drive Ferraris. This also explains why the "children are starving in Africa so be grateful" thing doesn't work, because they're not comparing themselves to them in the same way that they dont care that some tech billionaire's kid who they haven't met has a walk in closet, a quad bike and 11 ponies. They just care that Amy in their class has a better iPad than them. I honestly don't know what the answer is.

I'm not sure this is any worse now than when I was a kid though. I remember being super envious of this kid who had a 6 bedroom house with a snooker room and 7 TVs. We were not poor at all, but I would constantly berate my poor parents about the bloody snooker table.

[Dentistlakes]

I had this from my kids and I sat them down and explained what ‘poor’ actually looks like in this country and others. That be was the last time they ever complained. I also told them they had their whole lives ahead of them and if being wealthy was their goal then they have the opportunity to make that happen.