Daughter thinks we are poor

[MollysMummy2010]

This is no way a stealth brag as I know I am reasonably lucky.

Between me and DH we earn £90k per year but we live in London and poor choices in our youth mean we rent. My 9 year old DD has a small bedroom but has lived in the same place all her life. She has (pre Covid) had all the opportunities her friends have had re clubs, activities etc and I don't think she is aware that we rent rather then own our home.

Some of her friends live in huge houses and she seems to resent us for the fact that we don't. I try to teach her the value of money, and also, that as there are only three of us, how much space to we really need?

I am worried she will be embarrassed but don't want her to be!
What do I do?

[blueshoes]

But it did create a sort of sense of aspiration in us - we knew what was there and what we could achieve through hard work.

TheBlackTower I do agree with this. Ambition is forged in fire. As for being a bitter cynical person, if you were too easily satisfied or had nothing to strive for, you wouldn't put in the hard graft to better yourself.

My dcs don't really want for anything. Amongst their peers, I would put them in the upper half. No where near mega rich with huge houses but comfortable middle class and attend foreign school trips. I can see from their schoolwork, they simply do not try hard enough. They give up easily and don't keep plugging away. That cannot be taught. I almost want to pull the rug out from under them.

[blueshoes]

TheBlackTower, I should clarify. I did not mean to suggest you are bitter and cynical and FWIW, I count myself as belonging to that group somewhat.

[UrbanRambler]

OP, she's 9, so is unlikely to be socially aware, beyond the confines of her own small world. You could encourage her to watch some documentaries which show how people in the third world live, then she might begin to realise how fortunate she is, in comparison. Or just let her watch the news footage from India (unless you think it's too shocking for a child of 9 - your call). Afterwards you could discuss the way that cramped living conditions and poor sanitation are making the pandemic much worse for those poor people. You could also mention that Indians living in rural villages often have no doctors or clinics/hospitals nearby, so have no medical help if they are sick or injured, even in non Covid times. These things might help to get the message through.

[memost]

I think she is just becoming aware of the relative wealth that exists in her world. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, talk about relative poverty and motto be too cheesy but she is loved and well cared for in a stable home - that already makes her incredibly lucky and eventually she will come to see beyond herself - but she’s 9 - so don’t expect it to happen overnight.
My friend’s son accused his parents of pretending to be poor and being tight instead -the funny thing was - he was 100% right!😂

[perisoire]

@BabyofMine

The fact she’s making it known to you is proof she’s doesn’t really believe it.

I grew up poor surrounded by poor friends and we knew it. We would never have dared say anything that might make our parents feel bad about it because we knew how hard they worked, what things had befallen on them to get there, etc, and whilst we might secretly have dreamed of finding out we were suddenly rich, we would have been mortified if we made our parents ashamed.

This is so true.

Me and siblings grew up as the children of immigrants in the 90s, dad bought a house with a very small deposit and worked all hours to pay the mortgage, we didn't have a lot growing up and felt the difference when we went to friends' houses. I remember not wanting a birthday party in primary school as our house wasn't pretty (old carpets, bathroom etc). But similarly to you, we would never said a word to our parents, even in primary.

[Jenasaurus]

I went from a huge 5 bedroomed house to a small 2 bed masionette after splitting with my Ex. The DC were all late teens but wanted to move with me, despite their dad buying a huge property with OW. The person who said a small happy home is better than a large expensive house is correct. As it turned out we did all manage to squeeze into my massionette for a couple of years until my sons moved out (DD and her BF still live here with me) They were happy times and even though it was small it was fun, its who lives in it with you that counts :)

[Embracingthechaos]

Wealth is relative, and a child's experience is much more narrow than an adult's, so she will probably see it this way until she has more life experience. Time is the only real well for her to get that.

I had the opposite experience as a child- I thought my family were rich. We had a car, we owned our ex council home (not outright), I had my mum and step dad rather than a single parent household, and we used to get a take away from the "nice" Indian once a week. Imagine my shock when I was lucky enough to get into a really good university, where I met a load of people who actually really were rich. That really rocked my world. It was then that I realised that I was actually from a very modest background, it's just that where I grew up, everyone else around me happened to have less money than we did. Compared to the leafy green suburb private school kids I was rough as hell.

[Lemonlemon88]

So much of this attitude comes of the parents of other children. I remember being told by a friend we were poor when I was about the same age. We weren't poor but there wasn't a lot of spare money as my mother went between working part time and sahm. Looking back though the girl who told me that had clearly heard it from her mother, who worked fulltime and didn't hesitate to literally dump her children on others, including my mother who she considered to be poor, so she didnt have to pay for childcare during the school holidays. It's absolutely outrageous when I think about it now.

[ForwardRanger]

Kids have weird ideas about what is rich. My son suggested I go back to Uni "so you can get a better job like at Burger King" 😂

[ForwardRanger]

Seriously though, she's 9, her world is small. Personal I think kids feel more comfortable in the company of peers of similar means so if her friends live in huge houses yes she will notice and possibly feel ashamed. I wouldn't try to make her feel guilty as well as insecure and ashamed, just try to show her how people live differently and also talk to her frankly about how house prices change, some people inherit wealth or property and some buy when they really young.

[HoppingPavlova]

Maybe a bit dramatic, but is there anything you can do locally, volunteering, supporting a food bank etc, or any sort of age appropriate documentary you could find to watch with her to demonstrate what 'poor' actually looks like?

In my experience this doesn’t work. All my kids went through this phase and stuff like this didn’t matter. They still believed we were poor but the people they were volunteering with were either ‘poorer’ or ‘that’s different’. You couldn’t win.

I found they grew out of this when they truly started to understand what things cost (as in housing etc) and actual pay for different jobs. They only truly understand when they need to pay for things themselves and realise they have no hope with first job out of uni.

[Pixxie7]

I would point out to her that being poor is not a crime and tell her what her life would be like if you decided to move into a big house.

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

[quote AutomaticMoon]@Port1aCastis Housing in the UK is particularly small & of bad quality. I’m surprised not everyone seems aware of this. Why do you think someone must’ve told her to think this? Perhaps she feels more comfortable in a spacious house, it’s not that strange. What is strange though, is the whole ‘patriotic’ denial of the low standard of our housing stock.[/quote]
Houses everywhere in the UK aren't like that, they are a mixture.

[midsomermurderess]

Tell her the future belongs to her. She wants a particular lifestyle, one you can't offer? Go get it, daughter dear.

[devastating]

My dd thinks we are poor too - which we aren’t because our housing situation is very privileged. Cash wise there isn’t much it’s true - single parent in an admin job. Enough to be okay but not to spend on any frills. She compares herself to a friend who gets £50 a week pocket money. I just keep saying how lucky we are. And that if she wants the lifestyle she aspires to it is within her power to work hard for it. But she hasn’t yet realised that, and at 15 finds school stressful, but also does the least work she has to do to get by.

[ittakes2]

Does your daughter go to a private school? I am wondering because you live in London and are saying lots of her friends live in large houses which would be super expensive in London.

[ElleDubloo]

Poor and rich are relative terms. If she wants a big house then it’s up to her to make choices that enable her to earn more. You’ve given her everything she needs to do so.

[LakieLady]

Move to a bigger property in a less affluent area.

She'll soon realise she's not poor when she starts mixing with local kids.

[Zeewest]

My youngest went to one of top girls boarding schools on a bursary. Finacially compared to her friends we were on the bread line. Luckily she appreciated the opportunities she was given and the girls were great. She still has friends from the school 20 years later

[Bluntness100]

The numbers are curious though, you appear to live quite frugally so with those earnings how come you haven’t bought? You don’t indicate you’re close to and the fact you’d need to finance a car says no savings and can’t afford to buy a decent one up front.

[Spinningaround21]

Children do start taking notice of material items and money, it’s part of growing up. It will be more obvious if her friends have more money/material goods. I don’t think she is a brat or a madam she is just noticing things as she grows up, lots of children don’t like to be different to their peers.

But at this age she could be educated in what poor actually is, I think donating things to charity, some education on money/how it really means to be poor wouldn’t be a bad thing.

[mathanxiety]

Kids of 9 start noticing things, and start comparing. It's the age when self awareness and placing their families within the wider society begins. It can be a painful time. You have the Hollister age ahead of you (or insert whatever Must Have Brand is not hot). My sympathies.

It's also the age when schoolmates can start boasting and looking down their noses at children they choose to pick on. They are conscious of differences, and insecure or unhappy children can be nasty.

Have any of her peers said something hurtful to her?

[mathanxiety]

*now hot, not 'not hot'.

[Notcrackersyet]

My DSD aged 7 thinks we are poor. We are not but, we are obligated to live in an extremely expensive area so can only afford a tiny flat which is beautiful but there’s no disguising how small it is. She refuses to have friends over for ours for sleepovers in due to embarrassment.
Her mum and her mums family are outwardly wealthy so we look like the have-nots. We don’t splash like perhaps they do - I’m not very materialistic and would rather have a tenner in the bank growing for my retirement than spend it on plastic crap toys.
We do a lot of explaining that money is not everything and we have everything we need (we genuinely do - she has tons of clothes toys and books and does expensive activities). It’s incredibly frustrating and frankly hurtful. And she’s only 7. I’m so shocked.

[SandysMam]

A friend of mine grew up feeling poor, like she had far less than everyone else around her. It wasn’t necessarily true but her parents were strict and old fashioned and believed a child should not be spoiled with material goods. She never went without but her self esteem suffered badly. Each time her friends had a new outfit for the disco or a new school bag in September whilst she made do with her old but still functioning one, it chipped away at her confidence which she never recovered. She has lacked self esteem her whole life which really held her back. On 90k a year I would move somewhere she won’t feel like this anymore, even if it’s a cheaper rental area where you can get a bigger property for less.