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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL’s help moving house!

57 replies

Thisisanartattack · 06/05/2021 18:27

DH and I are about to buy our first property together. We have booked removals for the day and it should be straightforward as we have no DCs around.

Yesterday MIL announced she was really looking forward to helping us out with the move and has been making plans to travel down to us, etc. This has annoyed me immensely as I was looking forward to pottering about in my own home and unpacking my way. I’ve taken time off work to clean, decorate and organise which I really enjoy doing.

I really don’t want someone else butting in, however I am quite an independent person and have always moved myself hence I’m not sure if IABU here. DH can’t see the problem however he has little interest in interiors!

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 06/05/2021 18:31

She’s probably excited and curious about your new home. My MIL arrived within about forty seconds of us getting keys. She’s well meaning and I just handed her a Hoover to occupy her Grin

Smartiepants79 · 06/05/2021 18:33

Make a list of jobs you’re happy for her to do.
Personally I’d say the more people you’ve got to clean and stuff the better.
You can always move and organise it when she’s gone again.
Give her the boring bits that you don’t fancy,

Smartiepants79 · 06/05/2021 18:34

And yes, she’s excited for this step in her child’s life.
If her son is happy for her to be there then I would just accept her help graciously.

tobedtoMNandfart · 06/05/2021 18:36

YANBU it's very rude to invite yourself anywhere.

tobedtoMNandfart · 06/05/2021 18:36

@Smartiepants79

And yes, she’s excited for this step in her child’s life. If her son is happy for her to be there then I would just accept her help graciously.
He's not a child though is he. Time to back off.
PinkArt · 06/05/2021 18:38

I'm with you OP. If you're old enough to be married and buying a house, you don't need mummy's help to move in! It's really overstepping to me.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2021 18:39

Yesterday MIL announced she was really looking forward to helping us out with the move and has been making plans to travel down to us, etc.

Fucking hell, this would really piss me off. Making plans to inject herself into your affairs? She can't ask first?

I know most people will say what's the big deal, she can help, blah, blah, blah, but if I want help I ask for it. I have moved many times and every time I like to do things myself, in my new home. She can come for a nice relaxed visit when you've got everything sorted.

I'd be telling your husband to inform her her help will not be needed or you'll have to.

PanamaPattie · 06/05/2021 18:39

What date are you moving?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 06/05/2021 18:43

Tell her that this is your first home and you're really excited to set it up with Dh, so you're not inviting her to come during the move, but would she like to visit on X date so she can see your house?

Get some boundaries in place!

Mintjulia · 06/05/2021 18:46

I'd hate that. Why can't people wait to be invited?

You are creating your future home with your dh. She has her own home, she shouldn't be interfering in yours.

Shoxfordian · 06/05/2021 18:47

Tell her you’d love to invite her once you’ve settled in not the day of the move and get your dh on side

BrumBoo · 06/05/2021 18:47

Telling you rather than asking if you need help? That's so rude. I'd message her saying 'that's very kind, but we have it all in hand! Will be much nicer to have you over when we're not stressed and the house is in chaos Smile'.

Muddledupme · 06/05/2021 18:54

When we moved it was a real case of all hands on deck. Friends helped clean our old house and deep clean the new one.They didn't unpack boxes but one friend made up all the beds so that we had clean beds when we were exhausted. Another friend kept us all supplied with tea and biscuits and got fish and chips at teatime which was great.One of my friends husbands was a real help as he got rid of all the junk the previous owners had left behind. I had plans of quietly doing stuff but I didn't expect to have to deep clean everything before we could get anything out of a box

Original poster
Thisisanartattack · 06/05/2021 19:12

If it helps we are both 35 and this is the first house we’ve owned together but not our first owned homes. I guess that’s why I consider myself capable of moving us...

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 06/05/2021 19:29

All the nopes from me!

MoxFulder · 06/05/2021 19:34

This would fuck me right off. Tell her no.

My MIL is lovely but she's a chatter and a faffer both of which stress me out. Moving house is stressful enough.

SunnySpringVibes · 06/05/2021 19:48

My DM has helped my move / organize every house I've had. It's her love language. It might be your MIL's. It's hard to say if she's over stepping of not but maybe ask to come come a few days later?

AlexaNeverListens · 06/05/2021 19:57

This would really piss me off. It's brought back loads of unpleasant memories of my ex MIL.

It's all about manners to me. She should wait to be invited.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/05/2021 20:17

Phone her up and say "Hi MiL, while we really appreciate your very kind offer to help us move into our first home together, we would prefer it if we could do the move and unpack before we have any family or guests to see the place. I mean we're not even going to be able to find the kettle for the first week let alone mugs or teabags so it really would be best if you don't come on Monday (whenever you're due to move). It's just going to be such a lot of work and we want to just plough on through it at our own pace. So we'll see you the week after, ok?" and see what she says.

Kpo58 · 06/05/2021 20:22

Why not get MIL do a deep clean of the new house whilst you are still packing up and transporting your stuff to your new place? That way she feels involved and you have a clean house to unpack into at your leisure.

DungeonKeeper · 06/05/2021 20:27

My DM has helped with every house move I’ve done. However she gets in cleaning, packing and is a real help. Friends have also helped before, do you not want all help available? Or is she more likely to nose around and not be any practical use at all.

Hankunamatata · 06/05/2021 20:29

Chore list. Window cleaning, hoovering etc. Keep her busy

ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 06/05/2021 20:33

Can she clean the old house you're moving from?

fourandnomore · 06/05/2021 20:35

I’d be saying no thanks it’s all sorted let us get settled in and unpacked snag then come and see us and we can show you round properly, I can’t imagine having someone turn up during one of the most stressful times. My mum once came to help us move and it was not that helpful, just someone else to worry about.
The most annoying part of it is the announcement. I hate that. We have a family member who declared she’d booked 5 weeks off work and was coming to move in to help us with our babies - politely declined another adult moving in who doesn’t even make me a cup of tea in her house never mind mine!! Just don’t understand this ‘help’ on their terms even when it’s obviously coming from a good place but everyone is different I guess.

mineofuselessinformation · 06/05/2021 20:38

Give her jobs, lots of jobs - hoovering, unpacking crockery into specific cupboards (after they have been cleaned of course!)
If she's doing the donkey work, you're free to direct.
Work her hard! Grin