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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL’s help moving house!

57 replies

Thisisanartattack · 06/05/2021 18:27

DH and I are about to buy our first property together. We have booked removals for the day and it should be straightforward as we have no DCs around.

Yesterday MIL announced she was really looking forward to helping us out with the move and has been making plans to travel down to us, etc. This has annoyed me immensely as I was looking forward to pottering about in my own home and unpacking my way. I’ve taken time off work to clean, decorate and organise which I really enjoy doing.

I really don’t want someone else butting in, however I am quite an independent person and have always moved myself hence I’m not sure if IABU here. DH can’t see the problem however he has little interest in interiors!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisanartattack · 06/05/2021 20:39

We’ve already moved out of the old house, we are in an Airbnb currently so less work to be done. Removals will be bringing our stuff from storage. I actually love cleaning Blush so definitely don’t want help with that!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/05/2021 20:40

Does NO ONE on here wait to be asked on here.

I've honestly never come across it.

Fair enough if she asked would you like some help, that would be kind, and you could decline.

But to TELL your son and his wife you are coming uninvited is RUDE.

Ring and say no thanks OP.

ElphabaTWitch · 06/05/2021 20:42

Yeah. Cos you’ll definitely be just ‘pottering around’ on house move day. Hmm

2Rebecca · 06/05/2021 20:45

Say "thanks for the offer of help but we're happy doing it ourselves and will let you know when we're ready for visitors." Saying you can help is one thing, saying you WILL help is another.

Mummy1608 · 06/05/2021 20:49

I wonder if she is expecting to come because she has always helped your DH when he has moved in the past? So it's the general expectation between them?

Of course, yanbu. But this sounds like something for your DH to handle in the first instance

2bazookas · 06/05/2021 20:53

I'd just say to her "Actually it would be much better if you waited till we're unpacked and settled in, then we'd love to have you to stay for a few days".
If she still insists on coming, it's time to make a list of rotten jobs for her to do. Clean the oven , all the windows, scrub every skirting board and tile grouting with a toothbrush to get the grot out.

SunnySpringVibes · 06/05/2021 20:53

Honestly threads like this is why I had massive gender disappointment when I found I was having a boy. She's trying to help! Fine you don't want it but at least have the decency to acknowledge she's there for you and her son. Unless there is a fucking ridiculous backstory she's sounds like she's trying to be a good mum/mil.

sandgrown · 06/05/2021 20:54

I think she probably just thinks you would want help. I know I would appreciate all the help I could get but I certainly don’t love cleaning . As a MIL myself I wouldn’t expect to make any decisions about decor etc but I would offer help with the donkey work. I think she is being nice .

Original poster
Thisisanartattack · 06/05/2021 20:54

We have no DC, 10 days off work, removal men doing the heavy lifting. I’ve moved several times and can’t see what help we will really need.

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 06/05/2021 20:57

Friends, will she actually help or get under your feet? My mum is a grafter and helps, mil is a faffer who would just stand staring into space getting in the fucking way.

SunnySpringVibes · 06/05/2021 20:59

I don't know but every time I've moved I've ended B&Q or IKEA a hundred times in the first week. Maybe she wants to bring you a gift or see her sons new house. Who knows what she's thinking when she says she's there to help. My mum always ends going to the supermarket/making dinner while we get stuck in to cleaning : sorting out. Fine if you don't want her, tell her not to come. But then don't complain if you get no help in the future as you've already started the process of pushing her away!

Pantsomime · 06/05/2021 21:01

If she has boundary trampling form - don’t have her round as this may be a precursor for future behaviour when/if you have DCs and tell her thanks bout this is a milestone in your relationship and you want to do it together, so thanks but no thanks we’ll have you over next weekend

Holly60 · 06/05/2021 21:05

Two things - 1. will she definitely ‘butt in’? There is a big difference between someone coming along and getting on with hoovering all the rooms or cleaning the bathrooms, making tea and organising a take-away, and someone coming along and trying to arrange your cutlery drawers for you.

  1. Are you sure she hasn’t asked your DH? ‘DS do you want me to come and help you move in?’ Dh whilst cooking dinner/reading phone: ‘ oh yeah yeah mum that’d be good’ *forgets all about it until wife mentions it then conveniently doesn’t mention that he has known about it for weeks ....
Chicchicchicchiclana · 06/05/2021 21:09

What is your dh's opinion on all this? Maybe he invited her without you knowing?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2021 21:16

Honestly threads like this is why I had massive gender disappointment when I found I was having a boy. She's trying to help! Fine you don't want it but at least have the decency to acknowledge she's there for you and her son. Unless there is a fucking ridiculous backstory she's sounds like she's trying to be a good mum/mil.

If she wanted to be a good, respectful MIL, she should have asked if her help is needed. She just made her own plans to show up, without asking and without even bothering to find out what her son and DIL wanted. That is the opposite of helpful.

Milkshake7489 · 06/05/2021 21:18

Maybe she just assumes you'll want help? I've never moved without help, it's just the done thing in my family.

In fact, when me and DH moved into our first house I was a bit Hmm that his parents/siblings didn't at least offer to help. I think this is just one of those situations that different families do differently... neither way is right, just different.

What does your husband think? Surely it's a joint decision.

Herecomesspring1 · 06/05/2021 21:21

Ask her to come in a few weeks when you’ve got yourself settled - is really important to have these first couple of weeks by yourselves to ‘bed in’. I’d be fuming, personally!

saraclara · 06/05/2021 21:24

@SunnySpringVibes

Honestly threads like this is why I had massive gender disappointment when I found I was having a boy. She's trying to help! Fine you don't want it but at least have the decency to acknowledge she's there for you and her son. Unless there is a fucking ridiculous backstory she's sounds like she's trying to be a good mum/mil.
Jeeze, it took a lot of scrolling to get to someone being reasonable!

She has the experience to know that moving is a nightmare and really hard work, and she's prepared to go to the trouble of coming down to help you. She's probably said she's excited so you don't feel bad about accepting the help.

Yes, in an ideal world she'd have asked rather than assumed. But jeeze, the vitriol on this thread?

signed
someone very grateful to have daughters (and chilled sons-in-law).

saraclara · 06/05/2021 21:27

@Chicchicchicchiclana

What is your dh's opinion on all this? Maybe he invited her without you knowing?
I'd put a week's pension on him having either asked her, or she asked him if you'd like the help and he said yes. And now he knows your angry he's keeping schtum about it.
Stonerosie67 · 06/05/2021 21:48

Today 21:21Herecomesspring1
Ask her to come in a few weeks when you’ve got yourself settled - is really important to have these first couple of weeks by yourselves to ‘bed in’. I’d be fuming, personally!

A few weeks??? Surely this isn't real?? Who ths fuck needs a couple of weeks to 'bed in' to a house...oh yeah, someone who wants to keep their partner all to themselves, and cut his mum out completely. Shame on you

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/05/2021 21:55

My fil and partner did this to “keep the kids out of the way”. Oh you mean go to the pub, criticise, pub again, winge about no cooked breakfast, criticise, get in our way, start a row with the estate agent (don’t ask) let the cat out and finish with a little light criticism.
Conversely when ds and gf moved and asked us to help, they left me in new house, nothing to eat or drink with the dogs, while dh took them for a shop, not a coffee offered or a thank you. They’d asked for help btw.

Holly60 · 06/05/2021 21:59

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

My fil and partner did this to “keep the kids out of the way”. Oh you mean go to the pub, criticise, pub again, winge about no cooked breakfast, criticise, get in our way, start a row with the estate agent (don’t ask) let the cat out and finish with a little light criticism. Conversely when ds and gf moved and asked us to help, they left me in new house, nothing to eat or drink with the dogs, while dh took them for a shop, not a coffee offered or a thank you. They’d asked for help btw.
You must know when you help someone move home you are supposed to provide the hot drinks though? I always take a box with tea, coffee, mugs, travel kettle and biscuits!
Holly60 · 06/05/2021 22:03

But then I remember my DM and DMIL doing the same when they helped us move so I had a good example to follow Smile

saraclara · 06/05/2021 22:03

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

My fil and partner did this to “keep the kids out of the way”. Oh you mean go to the pub, criticise, pub again, winge about no cooked breakfast, criticise, get in our way, start a row with the estate agent (don’t ask) let the cat out and finish with a little light criticism. Conversely when ds and gf moved and asked us to help, they left me in new house, nothing to eat or drink with the dogs, while dh took them for a shop, not a coffee offered or a thank you. They’d asked for help btw.
Whereas my parents and my inlaws came down the day after the move, and the day after that, respectively, and worked incredibly hard to help us get sorted in a house that had been left in a disgusting state. I'll always remember my dad spending an hour scrubbing at a bath that seemed to have ten years' worth of the previous family's body fat and sweat in a layer all over it.

Why do people who have poor relationships with their family feel the need to come and shit over every thread about DPs' or PILs trying to be nice/helpful?

MIL made a mistake in assuming that her help was expected (or as I suggested, OP's OH had already agreed to it). That's all. Yet she's the spawn of Satan who will be as much use as a chocolate teapot, in the eyes of people who equally make assumptions - but in this case about someone they know nothing about.

2Rebecca · 06/05/2021 22:06

I've never had relatives invite themselves to help me move. I would never tell my son in his 20s that I was coming to help him move. If I could get the time off work I'd offer but some people find moving exciting especially if a first home together and don't want to feel they are having to be in host move. I remember moving in to my first house with my first husband and lying on a mattress on the floor looking at the ornate ceiling which I loved. It's the pushiness and overstepping boundaries people don't like. Offer to help, don't insist.

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