AIBU about the friend who's more of a frenemy

[Supermarketweep]

I think many of us have one of these. She's quite kind in many ways but also very blunt and comes out some hurtful comments. I don't think she does it through nastiness, there is a cultural difference as she was not brought up in the UK. She's also very much a self promoter - likes to talk about things she's done or bought, how much she's earning or how she's looking for a new job and has had offers from every place she's approached. You get the idea.

We're part of a larger friendship group, I find her hard work 1 on 1, so tend to only see her in larger situations. Our last group night out was very early 2020 but with restrictions lifting one is being planned for end of June - I'm looking forward to this as I don't have any family or other friends really so it will be nice to see and socialise with people other than my partner and kids! (like many I've been WFH since March 2020).

A few years ago I lost a lot of weight, and got down to a size 10. That's the size I still was when we last went out. However lockdown, some emotional issues, not going to the gym (which I used to be at 5 times a week) and an injury meant I've piled a lot back on. I'm currently doing something about it, but realistically by the time we meet up I'll still be a size 14-16. Not massive, and she is at least a 18 herself BUT I know her first comment will be about how I've gained weight, or couldn't keep it off, or something like that. I'm quite sensitive about my weight and I will find it upsetting.

As an example, about 3 years ago (when I was still losing weight) I saw her about 2 months apart, in between which I'd lost about a stone. Her first comment to me was had I gained weight and how I must be finding it hard to stick to a diet. When I said no, I was still losing, she said I clearly wasn't, and should admit I'd gained since I last saw her. I think I ended up saying I might have been a bit bloated due to time of the month to end the convo...

So how do I cope with her? I am stressing about this already and it's almost 2 months away!

This is bizarre. How rude!! I would laugh it off and exclaim at how rude she is and tell her it's none of her business and you have no intention of talking about your weight with her and just shut it down.

That would really motivate me to lose weight! She sounds awful, OP. She doesn't want what's best for you and is better avoided.

Urgh I used to have a friend like this. Their awful.

You have two month, make this motivation for yourself. Give her a shock at how good you look.
When you feel good your confidence will show.

I would probably either say "eh, rude" and just walk away, or "still not as big as you" if I wanted to be really nasty.

And I don't think you should use that as your motivation. You lose weight for you, not so some nasty woman doesn't comment on your weight.

‘Shut up fattie’

Might work, you never know 😂

She sounds a treat! Could you maybe just say - ah, I was worried you’d mention my weight as you did the same thing last year, you know comments like that can really hurt people's feelings? My absolute bitchy comment would be to say that as I’m losing all the weight would she like some of the things that are DRoWNING me now?

Just say 'Oh I know. How are you planning to lose yours?'.

Even if I ate nothing between now and then I wouldn't be back to my previous weight. I will look as good as I can, I do take pride in my appearance when I go out, but I won't be wearing the size 10 clothes I was last time (fortunately I have lots of nice outfits I bought when losing weight the first time so I should have something to fit).

I'm not a confrontational or rude person, so I don't think I could be directly unpleasant to her.

Equally I know if I tried explaining the reasons for my gain she'd come out with something like how this is my natural weight and I've just reverted to it or something!

I would turn it back on her and say something about her weight but then I’m a bitch with people like that. She’s not going to stop that’s who she is. All you can do is work on your reaction and no let it bother you.

There's a girl in our friend group who's exactly like this. Very blunt, speaks without thinking, rubs people up the wrong way. When she gets called out on it it's all tears and woe is me. I sympathise OP. Try and take no notice of her and hope you have a wonderful time.

Thinking about it, I might be able to deflect in onto her - maybe I could ask her if she wants to sign up to an online weight loss group with me? so we can support each other...

Knowing my luck she'd bloody say yes though!

That's really horrible. How about saying " if you bothered to ask how I actually am the you might understand why". Do you have an assertive partner who can interject with something? Such as " I see lockdown hasn't improved your ability to judge people and be rude".

I’d be tempted to say, ‘There’s so much I’ve missed during lockdown - and so much I was glad to avoid. Guess which category that kind of jibe falls into!’

I find repeating rude questions back to the person quite effective. Makes them think about what they've said and then try to expand/justify what they've said.
Repeat back with a quizzical look then silence - makes them feel very awkward.

@Supermarketweep

Thinking about it, I might be able to deflect in onto her - maybe I could ask her if she wants to sign up to an online weight loss group with me? so we can support each other...

Knowing my luck she'd bloody say yes though!

I like this method op! though yes you do risk her saying yes!

If you can't make yourself deliver a snappy/mean(ish) comment back to her I find simply agreeing with a long stare and bland smile reasonably effective.

Frenemy: "wow so you have put on all that weight you lost"

You: "yes, I have - diets are hard" big smile, long stare - what can she really say to that? She'd dig a hole of she went on and on and would look like a massive bitch.

The good news is you have two months to think about and practice the perfect response. Personally I'd go with something like "That's really rude" and after that just blank any rude remarks

I’d ask “Why do you ask?” - and I might add, “It’s not a nice thing to say, is it.”

I'm not a confrontational person either, but you really need to tell her she is being rude and intrusive. If that stops her, good. If not, then she deserves a taste of her own medicine. She doesn't hesitate to hurt you; why are you so worried about telling her not to be so nasty.

I'm not a confrontational or rude person, so I don't think I could be directly unpleasant to her.

That’s why she does it! She smells blood with you, honestly stand up for yourself, put her in her place, she will soon leave you alone when you show some backbone.

What about, "Wow that's not very nice. I would have thought you'd understand how horrible it is when people talk about weight in such a critical way."

I had a friend like this and I really struggled with her. She was a kind good person but I couldn't cope with her bluntness. It was really hurtful. We live in different countries now so it doesn't really matter and I haven't bothered to stay in touch.

"So what are your tips to successfully lose weight" - ask her. If you must practice several comebacks in front of the mirror. Like going to an interview. She is a horrible person!

Repeat back with a quizzical look then silence - makes them feel very awkward.

This ^ wot @loobylou10 said

And don't engage further. Make your life choices for yourself, rather than what random people might be rude enough to say to you.

‘For fuck’s sake Jan - try being nice for once - all you do is put me down and I’m bored and I don’t want to hear it again.’

She’s a cunt. I’m fat. I struggle with my weight and an eating disorder. I went out last week with two much slimmer friends. They told me how lovely to be out, how nice to see me, my hair was nice, I looked happy etc. Friends lift each other up.

I honestly don’t get why people put up with shit like this.