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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the friend who's more of a frenemy

62 replies

Supermarketweep · 06/05/2021 17:09

I think many of us have one of these. She's quite kind in many ways but also very blunt and comes out some hurtful comments. I don't think she does it through nastiness, there is a cultural difference as she was not brought up in the UK. She's also very much a self promoter - likes to talk about things she's done or bought, how much she's earning or how she's looking for a new job and has had offers from every place she's approached. You get the idea.

We're part of a larger friendship group, I find her hard work 1 on 1, so tend to only see her in larger situations. Our last group night out was very early 2020 but with restrictions lifting one is being planned for end of June - I'm looking forward to this as I don't have any family or other friends really so it will be nice to see and socialise with people other than my partner and kids! (like many I've been WFH since March 2020).

A few years ago I lost a lot of weight, and got down to a size 10. That's the size I still was when we last went out. However lockdown, some emotional issues, not going to the gym (which I used to be at 5 times a week) and an injury meant I've piled a lot back on. I'm currently doing something about it, but realistically by the time we meet up I'll still be a size 14-16. Not massive, and she is at least a 18 herself BUT I know her first comment will be about how I've gained weight, or couldn't keep it off, or something like that. I'm quite sensitive about my weight and I will find it upsetting.

As an example, about 3 years ago (when I was still losing weight) I saw her about 2 months apart, in between which I'd lost about a stone. Her first comment to me was had I gained weight and how I must be finding it hard to stick to a diet. When I said no, I was still losing, she said I clearly wasn't, and should admit I'd gained since I last saw her. I think I ended up saying I might have been a bit bloated due to time of the month to end the convo...

So how do I cope with her? I am stressing about this already and it's almost 2 months away!

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 06/05/2021 19:39

Don’t put up with it. Practise a firm response if you don’t want to deliver a rude or blunt one, but see it as a social service you are doing to other people. The more she gets shut down the less she might do this to others.

MoxFulder · 06/05/2021 19:59

@JustMarriedAndLovingIt

‘Shut up fattie’

Might work, you never know 😂

Grin
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/05/2021 22:17

”...Friends lift each other up.”

@Merryoldgoat has summed it up perfectly.

@Supermarketweep - this woman is not behaving like a caring friend towards you so doesn’t deserve politeness/consideration in return.

KizzyMoo · 06/05/2021 22:45

She sounds awful.

Pipecleaner50 · 06/05/2021 22:51

@Merryoldgoat

‘For fuck’s sake Jan - try being nice for once - all you do is put me down and I’m bored and I don’t want to hear it again.’

She’s a cunt. I’m fat. I struggle with my weight and an eating disorder. I went out last week with two much slimmer friends. They told me how lovely to be out, how nice to see me, my hair was nice, I looked happy etc. Friends lift each other up.

I honestly don’t get why people put up with shit like this.

This in bucket loads. Everyone has had enough shit to deal with over the last 12 months without worrying about their weight.

It's quite sad you let her spoil things so much OP. Just tell her to fuck off or totally blank her and turn your back on her when she starts talking shit.

Plinkplonk1234 · 06/05/2021 22:53

I had a friend like this. I got so sick of the comments I just turned to her and said ' I'd never say that to you' She never said anything nasty again.

Blueberry40 · 06/05/2021 22:57

Set your boundaries clearly. You are completely reasonable to do this. Tell her that you don’t feel it’s appropriate to comment on peoples weight as it’s their business and can be a sensitive issue for lots of people. Just say you would appreciate it if she respected that and if she can’t then walk away. You don’t need that negativity in your life!

alphajuliet123 · 06/05/2021 23:02

“Yeah, lockdown weight haha, I might need to borrow some clothes from you if I get much bigger”

greeneyedlulu · 06/05/2021 23:14

Tell her to fuck off with her rude comments?

I think something quite as nasty back usually does the trick, I'm overweight have been for years, saw some aunties at a family bbq and they said something along the lines of 'oh see you're still fat?'
After years of this kind of thing I shot back back with 'well you're all fucking ugly and not getting any younger so I'd start being nice to people before it's time to choose your home!'

Might not have been my finest hour but they never mentioned my weight again.... and now they are all old and fat and I never have to see them again Grin

greeneyedlulu · 06/05/2021 23:15

@alphajuliet123

“Yeah, lockdown weight haha, I might need to borrow some clothes from you if I get much bigger”
This!!
PhatPhanny · 06/05/2021 23:36

'i see your mouth hasnt changed though'

Nannyamc · 06/05/2021 23:42

After all we have been through in the past 15 months how can you allow this person back in your life? Positively has to be our future. Only be in good situations and if you feel uncomfortable ditch these people.
Good vibes for us all should be abundant from now.

RainedOn · 07/05/2021 01:13

@alphajuliet123

“Yeah, lockdown weight haha, I might need to borrow some clothes from you if I get much bigger”
Oh yes!
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 07/05/2021 06:08

Dont engage!

  • why do you ask
  • I wont discuss this with you
  • mmm
  • why do you think its ok to discuss my weight? Its not.
  • how would you feel if I said that to you?
Quincie · 07/05/2021 06:16

You need to work on not obsessing about this.
So when it comes to mind think a nice thought - It'll be so nice to see X and Y (others in the group) I wonder how their lives/children/finances/weight is? shame self-promoting friend tries to put me down it must be awful having her low self-esteem that makes her put me down.- self-promoting friend is good fun though (or some other good point about her) as she does this/that.
Do this all the time, squash the negative stuck record. If you are anxious and waiting for her behaviour you will put out negative vibes, change your outlook, if you have a happy relaxed attitude the comments will probably never come.

MindtheBelleek · 07/05/2021 06:25

@DeathStare

The good news is you have two months to think about and practice the perfect response. Personally I'd go with something like "That's really rude" and after that just blank any rude remarks
The good news is that you don’t have to spcialise with unpleasant people, surely?

I will never understand why this issue — the nasty ‘friend’ who is clearly disliked by a poster, and who in turn dislikes them — comes up so often on Mn. You end up with completely mad situations like this one, where an adult woman is dreading a social occasion two months ahead because of anticipated unpleasant personal comments on her body from someone she dislikes, but feels compelled to socialise with.

OP, I know you didn’t ask this, but would you not say that being so stressed two months in advance of a social occasion is a sign you should make new friends?

Cheesypea · 07/05/2021 06:26

I think you need to distance yourself. Mute her on social media, don't reply to her WhatsApp's etc. Try to cultervate other relationships.

WorriedMillie · 07/05/2021 06:35

She sounds like a vile bully. And they often are “kind in so many ways”, it’s how they hook people in. Flowers

Sunglasses2 · 07/05/2021 07:11

She's got poor social skills. It's definitely a skill that some people are better at than others. I've got a friend who is very tactful and she's got loads of friends. People are very drawn to her. Tactless people tend not to be liked as much. I know people like that too

NotSorry · 07/05/2021 07:15

We cut out a “friend” who would always put my DH down over his weight when we were in mixed company. It was always dressed up as “banter”. My DH struggles enough with his weight, he didn’t need her sniping at him.

OP lots of good suggestions from PP’s. Find a phrase that YOU are comfortable saying and practice beforehand. I also find it helps to give a hard stare before I speak to someone who’s just been rude to me.

Leafy12 · 07/05/2021 11:54

Stay home, repeat it back to her, ignore her. On a personal level you may want to look at the amount of energy you are putting into this situation though. Do you have children? Is this what you want to teach them? Just how to have the ultimate put down?

Original poster
Supermarketweep · 07/05/2021 12:38

I don't have any other friends in my town outside of this group, and I'm not even that close with them - as in, we socialise (used to be 3-4 times a year but the last time was well over a year ago now) but we're not whatsapping etc all the time. I can't remember the last time I heard from her, she isn't very active on social media.

The main reason I'm going is because it's a night out with 6-8 other people in addition to her, and if I didn't go, well I wouldn't be going out. I think other people find her a bit rude but are maybe less sensitive to her blunt speaking than me, although I know others find the self promotion she does as cringey as I do.

I have a couple of smaller groups of friends I see similarly infrequently but no one else really. I'm in my late 40s, it's hard to make friends now and even harder I think following the last year or so when we've all been stuck at home. I'm happy with my own company but it's nice to go out in a group for a few drinks every once in a while.

OP posts:
MindtheBelleek · 07/05/2021 15:23

@Supermarketweep

I don't have any other friends in my town outside of this group, and I'm not even that close with them - as in, we socialise (used to be 3-4 times a year but the last time was well over a year ago now) but we're not whatsapping etc all the time. I can't remember the last time I heard from her, she isn't very active on social media.

The main reason I'm going is because it's a night out with 6-8 other people in addition to her, and if I didn't go, well I wouldn't be going out. I think other people find her a bit rude but are maybe less sensitive to her blunt speaking than me, although I know others find the self promotion she does as cringey as I do.

I have a couple of smaller groups of friends I see similarly infrequently but no one else really. I'm in my late 40s, it's hard to make friends now and even harder I think following the last year or so when we've all been stuck at home. I'm happy with my own company but it's nice to go out in a group for a few drinks every once in a while.

@Supermarketweep, that's sad, as though you're lonely enough to accept the unpleasantness of someone whose nasty, personal comments on your appearance stress you out long before you see her because you see it as better than not going out at all. Does the group need to include her, if, from what you say, the others don't much like her either? Or can you suggest meeting the others without her at some other point? Life really is too short to spend time with people who cause you this much stress.

She's got poor social skills. It's definitely a skill that some people are better at than others. I've got a friend who is very tactful and she's got loads of friends.

Seriously, it doesn't take advanced social skills to refrain from saying 'God, you've really piled on weight, haven't you?' when you see a supposed friend, and to continue to insist that she has when the friend says no, she's actually lost it.

Anotherbleedingpapercut · 07/05/2021 16:19

Yeah I have a ‘friend’ like this - a favourite story is about how shocked she was at my size when she hadn’t seen me for a while. She’s told that one a few times but also is always talking about how kind and honest - too kind and honest Confused- she is to people.
She’s not. It’s not being honest - it’s an excuse to be a bitch. I have stepped away from her, bare minimum now. I’ll hold her at arms length. And I’m not the only one, as you can imagine.

Original poster
Supermarketweep · 07/05/2021 16:23

I don't think the others are quite as offended by her as I am, so I don't think they would leave her out of the arrangements - which are already made anyway, so they can't really uninvite her. Who knows, maybe lockdown will have mellowed her...I can but hope!

I am going to try and limit any interactions with her on the night. There are lots of us going, so I'm hoping not to get stuck with her alone for too long.

OP posts: