AIBU about the friend who's more of a frenemy

[Supermarketweep]

I think many of us have one of these. She's quite kind in many ways but also very blunt and comes out some hurtful comments. I don't think she does it through nastiness, there is a cultural difference as she was not brought up in the UK. She's also very much a self promoter - likes to talk about things she's done or bought, how much she's earning or how she's looking for a new job and has had offers from every place she's approached. You get the idea.

We're part of a larger friendship group, I find her hard work 1 on 1, so tend to only see her in larger situations. Our last group night out was very early 2020 but with restrictions lifting one is being planned for end of June - I'm looking forward to this as I don't have any family or other friends really so it will be nice to see and socialise with people other than my partner and kids! (like many I've been WFH since March 2020).

A few years ago I lost a lot of weight, and got down to a size 10. That's the size I still was when we last went out. However lockdown, some emotional issues, not going to the gym (which I used to be at 5 times a week) and an injury meant I've piled a lot back on. I'm currently doing something about it, but realistically by the time we meet up I'll still be a size 14-16. Not massive, and she is at least a 18 herself BUT I know her first comment will be about how I've gained weight, or couldn't keep it off, or something like that. I'm quite sensitive about my weight and I will find it upsetting.

As an example, about 3 years ago (when I was still losing weight) I saw her about 2 months apart, in between which I'd lost about a stone. Her first comment to me was had I gained weight and how I must be finding it hard to stick to a diet. When I said no, I was still losing, she said I clearly wasn't, and should admit I'd gained since I last saw her. I think I ended up saying I might have been a bit bloated due to time of the month to end the convo...

So how do I cope with her? I am stressing about this already and it's almost 2 months away!

Hmmm... there’s tactless and then there’s passive-aggressive-bitchiness. I have a feeling your friend may fall into the latter group.

My MIL is tactless but well meaning. My feelings are never hurt and I never dread seeing her because I know she cares about me and that there is no judgement behind some of the bizarre things that sometimes escape her filter. She is exactly the same with everyone she knows and is a genuinely kind person (I.e. will do nice things with no expectation of recognition or reward).

My best friend from my school and university days is passive-aggressive-bitchy. I used to get that same feeling of anxiety before seeing her. I knew the judgement was coming, the anxiety was that I didn’t know what direction it was coming from and when. She was not like it with everyone. Friends who are only ‘tactless’ with some people are demonstrating they can control it if they want to. They choose not to. I wised up and dropped her before I graduated, but she’s managed to worm her way back into my life twice since. I was initially fooled by the kind, generous persona she displayed on social media, but soon realised that this persona is not consistent and is not served up to everyone.

If I ran into her tomorrow I’d like to think I’d call her out on it, or even just ignore her question with an awkward silence and change of subject.

“Ah well as long as I’m not as big as you it’s OK with me”.

She actually doesn't sound much of a friend, OP. In which case, why care about the insensitive comments this person makes? I'd try not to get too involved with her in the night - don't let her rudeness spoil your evening. 🌹

@Astronaut8

Urgh I used to have a friend like this. Their awful.

You have two month, make this motivation for yourself. Give her a shock at how good you look.
When you feel good your confidence will show.

But that doesn't deal with her friend being a dick.

I like Plinkplonk1234’s response: “I would never say that to you”. Add an aghast expression and an awkward silence afterwards. It isnt too confrontational and has the added benefit of highlighting how much nicer than she is you are!!

"Gosh, Bella, you're bloody rude. I'll accept a large dry white as an, apology, off you trot."

I'd say sweet F all to her tbh - you don't have to answer or justify yourself. I'd probably stare at her quizzically or... "God yeah, little bit - surviving a pandemic & all haha. But obviously you haven't changed!" it's a thinker. It'll probably hit her later on what you actually mean.

But from the sounds of it OP if you're just going out with the group for the sake of it & not actually that close to them... I wouldn't break my heart to make it on the night tbh.

“You’re a bit of a chonk yourself. Those cankles are like footballs.” Fight fire with fire.

@Supermarketweep

Even if I ate nothing between now and then I wouldn't be back to my previous weight. I will look as good as I can, I do take pride in my appearance when I go out, but I won't be wearing the size 10 clothes I was last time (fortunately I have lots of nice outfits I bought when losing weight the first time so I should have something to fit).

I'm not a confrontational or rude person, so I don't think I could be directly unpleasant to her.

Equally I know if I tried explaining the reasons for my gain she'd come out with something like how this is my natural weight and I've just reverted to it or something!

Lose as much as you can, wear something flattering, nice hair makeup etc. If she says anything say ‘well it’s funny but actually people keep saying that I look great slightly curvier - must be the bigger boobs, haha’ and then change the conversation

Oh how I sympathise! Our friendship group has one of these. There is a particular aspect of my physical appearance that she ALWAYS comments on. Always - after 40 years she still feels the need to comment on my enormous boobs. I know they are big. I don't like them but there's not a lot I can do about it. I wish I had the balls to tell her to shut the fuck up about them but I don't like conflict. Until now.

Lockdown has been good for me. It's given me perspective. I've made a plan. Next time I see her I'm going to pre-empt her. I'm going to try and tell her to keep quiet about them before she starts 'Hi, Christine, lovely to see you - before you start , yes my tits are still big so there's no need for you mention it today''. I might even add a tinkly laugh. It's reached the point where I'd actually be pleased if she took offence and pissed off.

Try something similar OP. Or send a WhatsApp before hand telling people that you are bored with people going on about lockdown pounds and let's try and avoid the topic when you all meet up. Then if she starts you can say' oh no, not that AGAIN, let's talk about something more interesting. How's your job/child/cat/dandruff?'

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I’d ask “Why do you ask?” - and I might add, “It’s not a nice thing to say, is it.”

This. You've tried deflecting it in the past. You've tried humour. If you want to be comfortable at group things that include her it's probably worth being direct.

Also had a ‘friend’ like this, v competitive/rude and I always came away feeling crap, don’t see her anymore and focus on people who are pleasant/fun to be around. Love some of the suggested comments above 😂