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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to now share the driving?

78 replies

Bigfishlittlefishinthetank · 06/05/2021 15:10

DH took some driving lessons a while ago. Didn’t get on with it particularly well. Tried a new instructor, failed test the first time, decided he couldn’t do it and left it.

He then decided to do an intensive course and eventually passed.

He’s now decided driving isn’t for him and simply won’t do it. I’ve offered to go out with him when roads are quoted but he just won’t now do it. He says he hates it but at the same time won’t go out and actually drive to gain confidence.

Ainu to be pissed off that I’m stuck being the driver all the time? Hmm

OP posts:
BullOx · 06/05/2021 15:11

Don’t put yourself out by taking him to places for his benefit.

Allwokedup · 06/05/2021 15:16

I would hate being the only driver. It’s so unfair. I would say my DH does the lion share of driving, but on long journeys we take turns. It’s not fair otherwise, he needs to be taking turns it’s so unfair on you otherwise.

Wildflowers2020 · 06/05/2021 15:22

Yanbu it’s unfair if he expects you to do all the driving. What would happen if you suddenly decide driving with an adult passenger isn’t for you as you hate it and tell him to buy a bus pass/bike?

TattyDevine · 06/05/2021 15:22

This is a funny one really. My brother doesn't drive. He sort of can but no licence. His partner does all the driving and he rides a bike everywhere when it's just him going to work for instance. School drop off is walkable.

I guess it doesn't matter as long as his partner doesn't mind and she doesn't seem to, but my father is very scathing and thinks it's wrong that his partner should do all the driving, despite the fact that my dad would never let my mum drive if we were all going somewhere (that said she could drive herself around).

He says it's better for the environment and why should he feel he has to and so on but he seems to have some kind of mental block about it, said his partner once after few gins. Like a mini phobia.

If it's nothing like that and he just can't be arsed, it's a bit selfish and I wouldn't be dropping him off anywhere but I'd want to talk about it nicely rather than just be obstructive to prove he's obstructing himself if it were me...

VettiyaIruken · 06/05/2021 15:24

Yanbu.

Does he rely on you driving him places? If so, stop. Make it more difficult for him to not drive than to drive.

drugsdontwork · 06/05/2021 15:25

I wouldn't like it if DH forced me to do something I didn't like. Driving isn't for everyone.

I know loads of people who have passed and haven't driven since because they don't like it.

As long as he's not forcing you to drive him places I think it's just going to have to be one of those things you learn to accept.

Penners99 · 06/05/2021 15:30

If he can but won't, then you don't when he needs transportation

PattyPan · 06/05/2021 15:30

I think YABU unless he is pestering you for lifts. Some people are not cut out for driving and we are all safer with them off the roads. As long as he’s happy to take alternative transport I think he is being reasonable.

Topseyt · 06/05/2021 15:34

I see both sides. Being the only driver all the time is unfair on you and he does need to build his confidence. Maybe a driving instructor would be helpful again here.

I see his side too though. I do drive, but don’t much like it. I’m reasonably confident on routes I know well and can usually find my way well enough on routes I am not familiar with.

I wouldn’t say that I take naturally to driving though and can find it pretty stressful sometimes. The only fairly long route I drive with any regularity is to my mother’s house (3 hours, motorways and trunk roads).

So I have some sympathy for him too.

What sort of an area do you live in? If rural or in a village with public transport limited at best then you do ideally both need to be prepared to drive, especially if you have children who soon become teenagers and want to visit their friends etc. If you are in a city then there are often more options and using the bus, train, tube (if in London obviously) so driving is not always as essential. So there I would choose not to drive. Indeed, might even decide against having a car at all.

AnExcellentWalker · 06/05/2021 15:34

Don't facilitate his easier life by giving him lifts. If he wants to go somewhere he can walk, take public transport or drive himself. You can have had a drink, have a "political migraine", or just not want to. It goes both ways.

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 15:37

I agree with pp, don't give him any lifts.

AnExcellentWalker · 06/05/2021 15:37

FWIW, neither my DH or I drive. I can't for medical reasons, DH just doesn't. We manage ok, despite living literally right on the edge of a small town. It's a mile to the school & further to the supermarket. Nearly 2 miles for a train.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2021 15:38

Some people know they will never feel comfortable or safe driving, IMO they shouldn't be forced into it as they are then a risk to others.

How would you feel if you were terrified of dogs and he got one, or hated eating peas and he insisted you do until you liked them.

Assuming he isn't doing this to make you his chauffeur and is genuine, only you know this, I would expect a bit more understanding from a spouse.

paralle · 06/05/2021 15:39

I have been the only driver in the house and have to do all the lifts and pickups. I don’t enjoy it and it can be resentful sometimes but I know lots of male drivers have the same as me as their other half not confident enough and I don’t think they complain much.

Orangebug · 06/05/2021 15:43

It would drive me mad to be the only driver (we have three DC who do lots of activities and live rurally). As you say, how can he gain confidence without practising?

Hoppinggreen · 06/05/2021 15:44

It’s “not for him”???
I think I would lose respect for him at that comment.

PattyPan · 06/05/2021 15:53

@Hoppinggreen lose respect? Why? There are many rubbish drivers who I wish would realise that driving wasn’t for them!

Ginuwine · 06/05/2021 15:54

So many folk are so precious about DHs who don't drive on Mumsnet.

Does he over-contribute in other ways? Are there areas where he does 100% of a series of tasks and you do 0%?

Driving is a skill some people have familiarised themselves with and chosen to do. For others it's a terrifying thing mentally.

The real truth is that even if a man is mentally petrified of driving, this is automatically ruled as "unattractive" on MN. It's all so parochial. As a man you could be a 10/10 in looks, a UN lawyer earning six figures and living in an ancient townhouse in Europe... but if you don't drive or "make excuses" not to? Then tough luck - you won't be able to date Julia from Harpenden because she would never date a "non driver" Grin

sunflowersandbuttercups · 06/05/2021 15:54

Just stop giving him lifts.

If he doesn't feel safe driving, it's far better that he accepts that and stays off the road.

newnortherner111 · 06/05/2021 15:55

Reasonable to be disappointed, but if it is the issue that you describe I am glad he is not putting himself and others at risk. Better than the men with small parts of their body who drive like idiots.

1forAll74 · 06/05/2021 15:55

I know a few people,men and women, who simply don't wish to drive a vehicle, many reasons why, but not through laziness etc. It's wrong to be critical of people who don't drive, as they have their own reasons for not doing so. I know it's a hindrance for others, to have to do all the driving, but something you have to deal with. There is nothing worse, than banging on to people, and telling them that they need to drive a car,when they don't want to.

JustAnotherOldMan · 06/05/2021 15:56

My ex was a bit like this, she would drive locally only, so I ended up doing all the holiday/ long journeys,
Turned out it was the navigation she didn’t like, once we had a satnav she was fine and did most of the driving to be fair

Ginuwine · 06/05/2021 15:59

@1forAll74

I know a few people,men and women, who simply don't wish to drive a vehicle, many reasons why, but not through laziness etc. It's wrong to be critical of people who don't drive, as they have their own reasons for not doing so. I know it's a hindrance for others, to have to do all the driving, but something you have to deal with. There is nothing worse, than banging on to people, and telling them that they need to drive a car,when they don't want to.
So much better put than my post - agreed.

My brother in law didn't drive for all of his 20s and early 30s. He grew up in London, and then was in various global cities working in finance. Even after meeting his wife, he didn't drive until just before the birth of their first DC.

He's a good guy, very engaging, never struggled to meet people etc. It just makes me chuckle sometimes that folk like this could be belittled if they made the mistake of dating a 'driver' who couldn't stand the fact that the man wasn't able to take them to the local retail park to look at Bensons for Beds on a weekend.

ellenpartridge · 06/05/2021 16:00

Would you rather he drives unsafely? I would prefer to do the driving than be driven by someone who is a bad and nervous driver.

Maybe some extra lessons would help?!

Mol1628 · 06/05/2021 16:04

I think in a parnership it’s quite normal for each person to take on tasks that the other isn’t good at/really dislikes and it all evens out in the end.
I can and do drive but OH just prefers it, I find it a lot more stressful so he does most of the driving when we are together. He isn’t a fan of meal planning and cooking so I do most of that.