To expect DH to now share the driving?

[Bigfishlittlefishinthetank]

DH took some driving lessons a while ago. Didn’t get on with it particularly well. Tried a new instructor, failed test the first time, decided he couldn’t do it and left it.

He then decided to do an intensive course and eventually passed.

He’s now decided driving isn’t for him and simply won’t do it. I’ve offered to go out with him when roads are quoted but he just won’t now do it. He says he hates it but at the same time won’t go out and actually drive to gain confidence.

Ainu to be pissed off that I’m stuck being the driver all the time?

Yabu if he is scared of driving, feels he isn't a good enough driver
Yanbu If he is just lazy

DH didn’t drive for the first four or five years we were together as he hadn’t passed his test.

We were in London most of the time so not an issue, but I’ll admit that it did start to pall when the driving was always on me. Always designated driver, always having to drive the full distance on long trips, never being able to say ‘actually I’m knackered, can you do the next leg’ or even just being the one able to relax on a trip.

He absolutely understood how I felt and put his back into passing his test and building his confidence. He didn’t put it down to something I’d just have to ‘deal with’ - it was in his ability to meet me halfway, and so he did.

In relationships you meet in the middle. One person refusing to drive even though they are able to and expecting the other person to do all the driving - whether they personally like it or not - strikes me as rather selfish.

[quote PattyPan]@Hoppinggreen lose respect? Why? There are many rubbish drivers who I wish would realise that driving wasn’t for them![/quote]
It’s just so wet.
Obviously I don’t want the roads full of rubbish drivers but this man won’t even try

@Ginuwine

So many folk are so precious about DHs who don't drive on Mumsnet.

Does he over-contribute in other ways? Are there areas where he does 100% of a series of tasks and you do 0%?

Driving is a skill some people have familiarised themselves with and chosen to do. For others it's a terrifying thing mentally.

The real truth is that even if a man is mentally petrified of driving, this is automatically ruled as "unattractive" on MN. It's all so parochial. As a man you could be a 10/10 in looks, a UN lawyer earning six figures and living in an ancient townhouse in Europe... but if you don't drive or "make excuses" not to? Then tough luck - you won't be able to date Julia from Harpenden because she would never date a "non driver"

But then he would just pay for a driver so it wouldn't be an issue.

If it was only a case of saying no to driving him around it wouldn't bother me. But do you have kids, or want them?
Being the only driver in the family is wearing when you're the one who has to do all the parties, swimming, activities, drop offs, pick ups then you have to go to the supermarket etc as well. Oh and you can never have a drink cos you're always the driver. If you go away on holiday, you can't share the long drive. Every day trip means you driving, no break or relaxing journey for you.

If your relationship is truly a partnership and it evens up in other areas then that's fine. But usually the balance tips over towards the non driver's default position being that they 'can't' do anything to sort the kids out as they don't drive.

Over time, it becomes a big source of resentment.

If he doesn’t want to drive that’s up to him, but I certainly wouldn’t be taking him anywhere now

The advantage of driving is he has to leave when you do. I would start leaving places early

I agree that not being able to drive IS a bit wet. Of course there are exceptions, but on the whole I see it as a life skill that you practice at until you crack it.

I can see both sides. I had a very minor accident that wasn’t my fault soon after passing my test and it blew my confidence completely. I didn’t drive again for a couple of years. Then I forced myself to do it and did a 250 mile drive which cured my fear, but I still remember feeling silly and embarrassed but just too scared to do it. But I know how annoying it is being the only driver too. Harassing him won’t help, booking some confidence boosting lessons is a way to go.

Just make sure you get a taxi to the pub and back so you can both have a drink

Passing your driving test is only the beginning of being a competent driver. It basically means you’re safe behind the wheel.
Confidence comes with experience.
Your dh needs to drive.

My dh used to get in the passenger seat and tell me if I wanted to visit my family then I’d better drive.
I’m so grateful to him, although I wasn’t at the time.
I’m a very confident driver now but it’s only because I got lots of driving experience.
On long journeys we will share the driving it’s only fair.

He's a good guy, very engaging, never struggled to meet people etc. It just makes me chuckle sometimes that folk like this could be belittled if they made the mistake of dating a 'driver' who couldn't stand the fact that the man wasn't able to take them to the local retail park to look at Bensons for Beds on a weekend.

Thing is, that latter point is a pretty key part of modern life (driving for large household purchases) and only one small part of it that is facilitated by driving (transport all over the place). I think even you must realise how disingenuous you're being here.

I'm sure he is a lovely and exemplary human being, but he still isn't someone I'd date. Driving is a major part of modern life for most people and it's tiring and time consuming. I wouldn't be happy with a partner who was happy to force me to do it all alone out of his own choice because it "wasn't for him".

I don't think it's appealing to women in general.

@Bigfishlittlefishinthetank YANBU. No way in fucking HELL would I be doing all the driving for ANYone. Especially if they could drive but couldn't be fucked to bother with it, because 'it's not for them.'

What if YOU decided also, to not drive anymore? What then? Or is it only OK when HE decides he is not going to drive?!

I would tell him to get fucked to be honest. Very few things piss me off more than people who don't drive/refuse to learn.

I would have more tolerance for someone who couldn't drive for health reasons, but if I'm being totally honest, I would still get irked by them sometimes, because it would grate on me being the designated driver ALL THE TIME.

I know 2 particular couples, where one drives all the time, as the other can't because of health issues. And although they know their partner can't help it, they still get aggravated by the situation sometimes.. It's only natural. I know some people can't help it if they can't drive, but the people (who have to do all the driving,) are entitled to get pissed off by it.

This is a hard one - driving is not like other household chores because it can curtail your schedule depending on your lifestyle. If your kids need ferrying around you're going to be the one planning your schedule around them, etc etc.

YANBU to be pissed off. If he doesn't want to drive but won't even make the effort then he should pay for a taxi when you don't want to drive. Unless he is very good with the rest if the household load so you can let this slide.

p.s. I was sexually assaulted by first driving instructor which gave me immense driving anxiety.
I am now several years later learning with a new instructor and progressing pretty well.
If I can do it - there's nothing stopping him.

Driving IS terrifying, you can never predict other peoples driving and have to constantly be on the ball if he isn't up to that and doesn't like it then as long as he can commute and get to places without you constantly having to do it then that's reasonable....why force someone to drive who knows there not safe ?

"That's a bit wet"

"Wouldn't date him myself"

Takes the biscuit tbh

Christ you are a tough bunch .

If your dh is generally nervous about driving and his confidence took a hit while learning, I can't blame him. Some people find it really hard to overlook and risk assess while driving. Perhaps let him have more driving lessons with an instructor and tell the instructor about the problem beforehand. You wouldn't appreciate your dh forcing you to do something you're are scared about, would you?

For pps, considering the amount of posters on MN being ferried around by friends and family, I think you are being harsh.

I passed my test in 2019, managed to gain some confidence but because of lockdown/wfh didn't drive as much and now driving makes me super anxious. I absolutely hate driving its not for everyone. I think maybe your DH doesn't have enough experience to feel confident and so maybe just offer gentle encouragement. I am trying little drives to build up confidence again.

I’m in a similar position he got a license as a teenager and not had a car since . I’ve had one he’s had access to for about 5 years (mid 30’s now) but he’s to nervous to drive. I keep asking him to get top up lessons so we can share the driving and he puts it off.

Everyone tells me not to give him lifts and for the most part I don’t. But sometimes I’d have to be really mean to say no just on principle.

It means all the long distance stuff is down to me which when I was commuting made me feel like I wasn’t switching off at weekends and now that I’m not I find driving more tiring than I used to so although I’ll do it I dread it beforehand and am knackered when I get there. If we could split it it would be much more relaxing. It doesn’t help that he always falls asleep on long journeys.

What really annoys me is when I make a comment like rethinking a visit to somewhere based on length of drive or worry about stressful parking at one end and he’ll dismiss my worries. I do call him out on that but it fustrates me that he doesn’t even think before he says it.

It’s slightly complicated by the fact that deep down I know I’d actually be really nervous being his passenger having been the driver for years.

I’m not sure what the answer is. We both could force our partners into lessons but if there is no need to drive regularly would it even help or would they just fall out of practise again ?

[quote littlepattilou]@Bigfishlittlefishinthetank YANBU. No way in fucking HELL would I be doing all the driving for ANYone. Especially if they could drive but couldn't be fucked to bother with it, because 'it's not for them.'

What if YOU decided also, to not drive anymore? What then? Or is it only OK when HE decides he is not going to drive?!

I would tell him to get fucked to be honest. Very few things piss me off more than people who don't drive/refuse to learn.

I would have more tolerance for someone who couldn't drive for health reasons, but if I'm being totally honest, I would still get irked by them sometimes, because it would grate on me being the designated driver ALL THE TIME.

I know 2 particular couples, where one drives all the time, as the other can't because of health issues. And although they know their partner can't help it, they still get aggravated by the situation sometimes.. It's only natural. I know some people can't help it if they can't drive, but the people (who have to do all the driving,) are entitled to get pissed off by it.[/quote]
Are you Julia from Harpenden?

If he doesn't want to drive, he shouldn't have to drive. It doesn't mean you have to drive him. DH & I rather enjoy taking the train. (Not during a pandemic, obviously!) It's relaxing, we can chat, relax, enjoy the scenery etc. Not always that expensive if you book ahead & use a family ticket etc.

@Zoinksalot

Driving IS terrifying, you can never predict other peoples driving and have to constantly be on the ball if he isn't up to that and doesn't like it then as long as he can commute and get to places without you constantly having to do it then that's reasonable....why force someone to drive who knows there not safe ?

"That's a bit wet"

"Wouldn't date him myself"

Takes the biscuit tbh

Why? I wouldn't date a man who chose not to drive because it would make me tired and stressed and resentful. Nothing to do with forcing anyone to do it.

An uncertain new driver who lacks confidence but is prepared to try to work at it is miles away from a man who just decides it's not for him, so forever more it always has to be for me. He could be a wonderful human and make another woman very happy, but if I'm going to want to clock him with the car jack, what's the point?

I think pretty much all, if not actually all, posters have said they don't mind doing their share of the driving. They just don't want to have to do all of it when it's unnecessary, because the other one chooses not to. I agree.

@Hoppinggreen except he has tried, he’s taken lessons and passed his test. And from that he knows that it’s not for him. Do you want him to cause an accident due to nerves before he decides he shouldn’t drive?

Gosh, what a waste of time and money to do an intensive course, pass and only then decide you don't want to. That's what I'd be annoyed about. Fair enough to decide you don't want to in the first place as long as you don't mind cycling/bus/taxi/walking.

He probably just needs more practice.

I'm definitely not one of the world's natural drivers but I got a lot better and more confident with practice.

I see both sides here. It's very unfair on you. But there is no point forcing him to do something he doesn't like either.

Is he scared or does he just not like it?

I didn't like driving at all after I passed. I gradually built up confidence doing very small journeys like going to the station to collect DH, going to the supermarket etc and when I had ds when I was on maternity leave I would think "what's down there" and explore a bit.

To give you an example of how nervous I was, I was doing an evening class. The college had two sites - one was 5 minutes away and the other was 10 minutes away. I was really worried because I had to go to the one that was further away. But I had to take myself because there was no public transport and no safe bike route (and DH was still on his way home from work). So I did it. Then I had to manage a 20 minute drive to a school where I was a school governor.

So he should definitely try. Even if you have to do the longer drives, he can muck in with the shorter drives and eg taking stuff to the tip or collecting something from Screwfix, that sort of thing.

Would Passplus help him? I also thought about doing advanced driving lessons in my late 20s although in the end my confidence improved on its own.

I think it's unfair he has spent so much money and then isn't using a skill. He really needs to do a few short drives to gain some confidence so it's not all wasted.

Does he lack confidence and doesn't like to admit it? Perhaps he feels that he only passed as a fluke? What if you were ill - would he be able to take over? Has he had a bad experience which has put him off?

It's a shame for him to give up entirely, especially when you consider the time and effort (and cost) taken to pass the test. A change to an automatic may be helpful. If he really is intransigent then you can't force him. A few men have no spatial awareness or 'mechanical sympathy' and feel awkward because of it.

When I first passed my test I drove round the block alone just for the fun of it and simply because I could. Getting my own little car for a Christmas present was a massive boost too. I could take us to the shops when DH had had enough of being behind the wheel - he was a long-distance lorry driver.

I recall reading an article by a man who admitted that he was hopeless at driving due to some of the afore-mentioned problems and his wife was happy to agree that he'd only drive in an emergency. He felt he was unusual as men are supposed to be able to do this, they're men after all but it doesn't come naturally to everyone.