To expect DH to now share the driving?

[Bigfishlittlefishinthetank]

DH took some driving lessons a while ago. Didn’t get on with it particularly well. Tried a new instructor, failed test the first time, decided he couldn’t do it and left it.

He then decided to do an intensive course and eventually passed.

He’s now decided driving isn’t for him and simply won’t do it. I’ve offered to go out with him when roads are quoted but he just won’t now do it. He says he hates it but at the same time won’t go out and actually drive to gain confidence.

Ainu to be pissed off that I’m stuck being the driver all the time?

he got a license as a teenager and not had a car since

yes this was me, passed at 18, drove a bit at 22, drove a bit again at 24, and then not regularly until I was about 27.

No, sorry, its lazy shirking behaviour...
It's a life skill that could be/is essential, if something happened to you.
Are there kids ? does that mean its always you who has to do the clubs & party drop offs?
If you go out you can never drink ?
If you need to go to get a big shop, its always YOU
Same if you go on holiday.
Also, He PASSED, so clearly ha can do it, & was prepared to waste the money.
I'd refuse all lifts for him

@Bigfishlittlefishinthetank

DH took some driving lessons a while ago. Didn’t get on with it particularly well. Tried a new instructor, failed test the first time, decided he couldn’t do it and left it.

He then decided to do an intensive course and eventually passed.

He’s now decided driving isn’t for him and simply won’t do it. I’ve offered to go out with him when roads are quoted but he just won’t now do it. He says he hates it but at the same time won’t go out and actually drive to gain confidence.

Ainu to be pissed off that I’m stuck being the driver all the time?

I'd be pissed off that I was married to such a wet lettuce tbh.

I passed my test at 17 but I was a terribly nervous driver I didn’t really drive for about 10 years. My DH got a company car which left ours sitting on the drive and me stuck with 2 children under 2 struggling to get on the bus.

I went out in the evening on very short trips on routes I was comfortable with, gradually increasing the distances and practising parking in business parks which were empty.

I felt less nervous on my own and then became more confident. I hated it to start with but realised it was a life skill I could not just abdicate all responsibility for to another adult.

I was SO glad I persevered when my DH broke his ankle, (we then had 4 children, the oldest 5) and various medical appointments to attend.

I’m so glad I could drive ( although I freely admit I’m rubbish at parking)!

@poppycat10

he got a license as a teenager and not had a car since

yes this was me, passed at 18, drove a bit at 22, drove a bit again at 24, and then not regularly until I was about 27.

The frustrating thing is this was me too! So I know why he’s nervous but I got over it so I feel like he should to.

[quote PattyPan]@Hoppinggreen except he has tried, he’s taken lessons and passed his test. And from that he knows that it’s not for him. Do you want him to cause an accident due to nerves before he decides he shouldn’t drive?[/quote]
Yes, that’s definitely what I want
Despite me saying the opposite

If he hates driving then why did he spend money on it all???

I bet he changes his tune when he decides on his own type of car and/or wants to 'test drive' cars.......
the rest of the time he's found a convenient excuse for you to continue acting as his private chauffeur and taxi service........

@Hoppinggreen

It’s “not for him”??? I think I would lose respect for him at that comment.

I drive but don’t enjoy it and can find it stressful. If there is a way to get where I want to go without driving and arriving in a more relaxed frame of mind then I will do it.

There might well come a time as I get older when I finally decide that driving is no longer for me. That could be because I no longer feel as confident as I did in years gone by, or due to health issues if they occur.

Either way, I hope to still be respected for that decision if and when I come to making it.

We live quite rurally at the moment, but DH and I have already decided that in the next few years we hope to downsize from our current house (kids grown up now). We hope to move to the suburbs of a larger town with more amenities on tap and easier public transport so that we can both drive less as we age.

@Giantrooster the difference is that all the pp's being ferried around by family aren't commenting :p
If he managed to pass second time (that's what I'm assuming from the way the post reads) and with just an intensive course he's more capable. Most people who are very anxious about driving have hours of hours of lessons(cramming it into several hours a week scares them more), and/or fail at least twice.

Having said that - OP is not being U to be pissed off at being designated driver if she does not like driving herself - and her D'H' doesn't see the issue.

She will be U if DH acknowledges the issue and offers a potential workaround (like paying for a taxi).

[quote littlepattilou]@Bigfishlittlefishinthetank YANBU. No way in fucking HELL would I be doing all the driving for ANYone. Especially if they could drive but couldn't be fucked to bother with it, because 'it's not for them.'

What if YOU decided also, to not drive anymore? What then? Or is it only OK when HE decides he is not going to drive?!

I would tell him to get fucked to be honest. Very few things piss me off more than people who don't drive/refuse to learn.

I would have more tolerance for someone who couldn't drive for health reasons, but if I'm being totally honest, I would still get irked by them sometimes, because it would grate on me being the designated driver ALL THE TIME.

I know 2 particular couples, where one drives all the time, as the other can't because of health issues. And although they know their partner can't help it, they still get aggravated by the situation sometimes.. It's only natural. I know some people can't help it if they can't drive, but the people (who have to do all the driving,) are entitled to get pissed off by it.[/quote]

... and breathe

My husband has had a licence for years but has never liked driving. He also has very poor night vision so struggled with driving at night. I have therefore done the bulk of the driving during our nearly 30 year marriage. I have no objection to this. I am a better driver than he is and I feel much safer when I am driving.

It was a bit of a nuisance being the one that always had to take the children everywhere - but it really wasn't that big a deal.

The last time my husband tried to drive me somewhere was about 2 years ago. I had to ask him to stop and swap within 3 miles as I couldn't stand it. I did feel mean, but it was a 2.5 hour journey and I thought I'd be a quivering wreck by the time we got there. It was worse than sitting with the children when they were learning!

I occasionally drive him places (most recently to get his Covid jabs which were in the next town) but generally if he wants to go somewhere by himself he uses public transport (or walks if local enough).

Some people simply aren’t drivers and I would much rather then admit that to themselves and others than be pushed into driving when not comfy doing so

I have sympathy with your DH because after I passed my test and got my first car I HATED it.

However I was single at the time so there was nobody to chauffeur me around! I soon got into it by practicing around my local area every night after work (sounds daft I know!)

I think he needs to get over the fact that, as an adult, we all need to do things we don't like and are out of our comfort zone for the benefit of the family and ourselves!

@DrSbaitso

He's a good guy, very engaging, never struggled to meet people etc. It just makes me chuckle sometimes that folk like this could be belittled if they made the mistake of dating a 'driver' who couldn't stand the fact that the man wasn't able to take them to the local retail park to look at Bensons for Beds on a weekend.

Thing is, that latter point is a pretty key part of modern life (driving for large household purchases) and only one small part of it that is facilitated by driving (transport all over the place). I think even you must realise how disingenuous you're being here.

I'm sure he is a lovely and exemplary human being, but he still isn't someone I'd date. Driving is a major part of modern life for most people and it's tiring and time consuming. I wouldn't be happy with a partner who was happy to force me to do it all alone out of his own choice because it "wasn't for him".

I don't think it's appealing to women in general.

I don't think it's appealing to women in general

Good job my brother in law's wife saw past the horrendous lack of appeal of his non driving self, and managed to enjoy years in New York, Singapore and London before moving to a Home County and DCs with him.. where he now drives a pretty tasty premium vehicle for a first car.

Thank god he escaped "women in general"

My husband didnt learn to drive until about 15 years into our relationship. At no point was I "the driver" - if I wanted to drive us somewhere I did, if I didnt, I didnt. He never once asked for lifts anywhere (I offered a fair bit if it suited me).

He doesnt have to drive. Neither do you.

he now drives a pretty tasty premium vehicle for a first car.

So he does drive.

What on earth was the point of that materialistic rant?

@DrSbaitso

he now drives a pretty tasty premium vehicle for a first car.

So he does drive.

What on earth was the point of that materialistic rant?

So basically he didn’t need to drive because they lived in cities but now he does and has a nice car.

So basically he didn’t need to drive because they lived in cities but now he does and has a nice car.

Yep.

Don't you think it's funny that a boastful person who uses (implied) wealth as a yardstick for a worthy relationship should be complaining about the shallowness of preferring to date a driver? Especially when they also attempt to use the car as a status symbol.

And even more especially when they're named after a 90s hip hop singer who preferred to ride ponies...

@DrSbaitso

So basically he didn’t need to drive because they lived in cities but now he does and has a nice car.

Yep.

Don't you think it's funny that a boastful person who uses (implied) wealth as a yardstick for a worthy relationship should be complaining about the shallowness of preferring to date a driver? Especially when they also attempt to use the car as a status symbol.

And even more especially when they're named after a 90s hip hop singer who preferred to ride ponies...

I've re-read this a number of times and it still doesn't make sense

What I'm saying is straightforward I think.

• People have other value to bring beyond their driving licence Sorry if you read that as "materialistic" - 40% of AIBU is about how much folk earn, higher salaries, so I'm preaching to the obsessed anyway

• a licence is easily enough obtainable if someone wants one and is medically and financially able to get it though lessons etc

• this whole "I would never date a non driver" schtick just seems so narrow to me. I can imagine Ricky Gervais' wife must be kicking herself thinking how unfortunate she is married to a non driver who brings nothing else to the table. Noel Gallagher is having driving lessons in his 50s, he seemed to achieve a fair bit before then..

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

My husband didnt learn to drive until about 15 years into our relationship. At no point was I "the driver" - if I wanted to drive us somewhere I did, if I didnt, I didnt. He never once asked for lifts anywhere (I offered a fair bit if it suited me).

He doesnt have to drive. Neither do you.

This is brilliant, entirely agree. Wish I had put it this succinctly.

@Ginuwine I don’t think the driving status or lack thereof is an issue - just the question of how it affects people’s lifestyles.
Most of the people I know in London don’t drive and in fact with the ease of getting around on public transport and the congestion charge you’d be mad to.
However where I now live - work is a 20 min drive away but 1.5 hours by public transport. So is a lot of stuff including local beauty spots.
Given this I wouldn’t date someone non-driving who planned to stay that way unless they earned enough to offset the cost of taxis every time we went somewhere if I didn’t feel like driving. If they wouldn’t bother because they liked staying at home all the time then they wouldn’t be compatible with me either.
Funnily enough you’ve actually proved the point of the very people you’re trying to discredit. Your brother started driving as soon as he moved somewhere where he needed to!

I hate driving and only drive to work or the nearby supermarket. When we go out together it's always DH who drives. He said he doesn't mind but outside of lockdown, I compensate by picking him up from town in the early hours when he's gone out with friends. Saves him queuing in the cold for a taxi and makes me feel better. If he said I had to drive to all the random places he wanted to go we'd have a problem though.

I've re-read this a number of times and it still doesn't make sense."

Most people will be able to understand it without any trouble, but I'll simplify it for you.

What I'm saying is that you really shouldn't castigate people for not wanting to date non drivers if you're then going to use automobiles as status symbols in the next breath ("tasty premium car" or whatever embarrassing term it was you used).

Even simpler: don't complain about women generally not being drawn to non drivers if you think they should be drawn to rich men with flash cars.

(I've lived in a couple of those cities, by the way. It isn't a guarantee of megabucks. I'd still be there if it were.)

He drives anyway! So what on earth...

It is a bit hard to follow, I guess, but only because the case I was refuting - yours - was itself so absolutely self-contradictory.

The bit about your username was just a reference to the 90s hip hop singer Ginuwine who had a song that went "riiiiide my pony". I just thought it was funny since you were trying to make us all jealous of your BIL's car.

@TheLastLotus

He did start driving when he moved there. But his DW wouldn't have discounted him if he hadn't. He certainly earned more than enough for taxis though although I got flamed for saying that earlier

It's the parochial mindset that's just scaring me a bit on here.

He needs to get over that
But you probably need to find the money for confidence lessons, diving with you till he gets a grip will cause stress
Can you switch to automatic also??