To dread the 3 months between school and sixth form?

[LasagneQueen]

Posting here for traffic and on the assumption that those who have already had experience of this won't be checking out the 'Teenagers' board!

DD has three weeks left at school. She is a mature, intelligent, funny, fabulous teenager and we get on really well but the thought of her being at home 24/7 until September is making me want to run away and hide!

She's a great kid, but the turbo witter is strong in this one, and although she'll strip her bed, tidy her room, make her own breakfast and lunch and cook dinner for us both from time to time, she will find an excuse to avoid doing virtually anything else I ask for a hand with and regularly leaves a trail of glasses, crockery, nail varnish and exercise equipment in her wake.

More of an issue is the fact I'm someone who desperately needs their own space. I'm on sabbatical until September, partly caring for my parents but now one is in residential care I have a little more time to work on a personal project of my own, however I never feel I can crack on with someone else in the house all the time and I can guarantee as I soon as try to start something she will be wanting to chat.

Her dad and I are divorced and for reasons to numerous and complicated to go into sheonly sees him a few hours a week and rarely does overnights. I don't feel I can ask her to change that as there's some issues between her and her step mum atm and I'd hate her to think I was trying to offload her.

Really just wondering if anyone can suggest some coping tactics? I'll get my study sorted and earmark some dedicated project time, but between DD and my remaining caring responsibilities (visiting one parent, lots of hand holding for the other), I know I'm going to struggle.

Unfortunately my face is very good at saying how I'm feeling even when I manage to keep my mouth under control!

Find her something to do... under the guise of having been at home quite a lot through covid - good to get out and do stuff/meet people etc.

A life guarding course, working, volunteering, a climbing course. All good for uni applications

wearencs.com/ - also this gets good reviews I think.

She has just got herself a part time job and will be doing an extra shift once she's finished her exams so that's 3 hours 4x a week.

She'll no doubt doubt be off out with her mates too.

I think part of the issue is not being able to plan an entire day (or my current fantasy, a whole weekend...haven't had one for ten years) because her shifts sometimes change, which means her arrangements with her dad are now pretty ad hoc.

I also feel guilty as I've spent so much time and energy on my parents over the last year that I kind of feel I should be at her beck and call a bit now she's home and I have more time. I don't think for a moment she would expect that, but I know she has missed time with me.

My solution would be to plan & organise things so everyone gets their boxes ticked but circumstances just make it impossible atm.

She's 18?
You won't be needing to micromanage her long summer break.
Trust me, you'll wonder if she actually still lives there if she's a normal teenager (as you have described)
You make some odd comments about her though. Don't you like her?

Suggest she books a weekend away camping with friends? Maybe one of her friends' parents will take them

investin.org/

Bit harsh @Geamhradh and not sure what's odd about loving your kid but wanting your own physical/headspace from time to time?

She's 16, not 18, she's fabulous and I'm looking forward to spending some more time with her, we already have a couple of plans in place.

However, I am an introvert and find the constant presence of anyone more or less 24/7 draining.

The last 12+ months have been spectacularly stressful for a myriad of reasons on top of the generic Covid factor, and whilst I'm probably worrying unnecessarily, I can't help feeling a bit anxious about the next few months.

Let her know your busy and available slots. She’s old enough to cope. Can she access public transport?

Mine is 16 and we will be in a similar situation and I completely sympathise with you needing your own space.
However, mine spends a lot of time in her room and if she appears so does DH as he likes to have very long (boring)conversations with/at her about things she has no interest in.
Gets me off the hook on both accounts, unfortunately not an option for you though.

@Newrumpus yes, I'll probably get her a bus pass if she's happy to use it, although she generally prefers the train these days even though its a bit of a trek.

I think everything just feels a little out of control atm...I don't come across as a control freak but I am a huge planner and clearly more uptight about it than I realised!

I've worked term time only (as did/does XH) since she was 5 so things have always been planned, both for the two of us, and as she's got older individual stuff for us independently.

I would literally print out a calendar of the holidays and have an itinerary for the entire 6 weeks so I knew when we'd have mum/daughter time, when she'd be with her dad and I'd then work in my stuff into those periods.

There's no clarity with that anymore and I'm struggling which now I've written it down has made me feel quite tearful and a bit of a freak.

Geam She's between school and 6th form, so 16 not 18.
You can like your children but not want to be with them 24/7 (which is what I have more or less literally had for the last year with my 16yo).

I agree with Wind find some things for her to do if you can. Not for uni applications but to keep her busy and meeting people.

A 16 year old that stips her bed, tidies her room, cooks for you both, has secured a part time job AND enjoys a good conversation? This sounds like a stealth boast OP

I will be spending the 3 months before my DC starts college trying to pry them off a screen to do something - anything! - useful or educational or sociable.

Just plan your solo time and find a way to communicate your need for solitude to your DD. Or make the most of your time with her before she goes off to university in a couple of years.

My September born 16yo has been told that while we will pay for her driving lessons in September, we will not buy her a car or pay her car insurance.

So she is planning on working as close to full time as she can for 12 weeks (she's a casual lifeguard across several leisure centres) to save up some money for a car.

I don’t understand. Surely it is no different from all the other summer holidays between Years? The fact it is between Year 11 and Year 12 only means she is now doing a PT job for half a day a few times a week. That is less time at home isnt it?

Sorry but I think you are creating your own anxiety and dread over nothing. And most introverts can share a house with a family member for a few hours a day.... not sure why you think you can’t get projects done. Also, as she is 16, you can leave her home alone all day or even for a weekend safety....so completely baffled that you think you are stuck at home 24/7.

A 16 year old that stips her bed, tidies her room, cooks for you both, has secured a part time job AND enjoys a good conversation? This sounds like a stealth boast OP

@TechnoDino If only you could see the state of my (tiny) kitchen when she's been on a protein pancake and matcha latte making bender you would absolutely know that's not the case ...and the waxing lyrical about Internet fitness guru...

She is a bit of legend and she knows what I'm like tbf.

I think what I really need to do is organise some lovely things for us to do together, so I know we're getting some quality time, the work in the Olds and my own project/downtime.

Perhaps I will make a spreadsheet after all...

The three months between GCSEs and sixth form and A Levels and Uni were some of the best times of my life. I was out every day, seeing my friends, working my part time job, enjoying the summer and just having a bloody good time.
Shut yourself in your office (as if you were at work) and let her get on with it. She’ll have a blast

@PlanDeRaccordement

Yes, you're are probably right that it's me, not her!

Her job is in a takeaway so a few hours early evening, but yes, she's capable, independent and trustworthy and I am probably a bit of a nut job!

She needs a job, and you have a perfect opening for her, caring for her grandparent. She can shop, clean, tidy, take them out for fresh air, do the laundry and ironing.

Failing that, get a summer job as a mother's help.

Earning some money has huge appeal to teens

I don’t understand. Surely it is no different from all the other summer holidays between Years?

Apart from the fact it's 2 extra months!

I'm impressed that these 16 year olds are finding part time jobs to fill their summer. There's literally nothing around here for that age at the moment ☹️

PlanDe
Usual summer holidays are 6 weeks.
Between GCSEs and A levels there is usually ~10 weeks.
This year there is a full 3 months (ie 13 weeks) for schools that are finishing at the May half term.
People also haven't been able to plan in advance as much as usual due to Covid.

@2bazookas

She needs a job, and you have a perfect opening for her, caring for her grandparent. She can shop, clean, tidy, take them out for fresh air, do the laundry and ironing.

Failing that, get a summer job as a mother's help.

Earning some money has huge appeal to teens

She has a part time job? It clearly says that numerous times!

To be honest, planning every hour with a spreadsheet is over the top. But I really like your idea of scheduling some nice things to do together. Then leave rest of it open. I would actually advise you have a few days out by yourself or even a weekend away. It is good practice at 16 or 17 for university for a teen to be at home alone and responsible for their own meals etc. When they are at University, they will be living alone and responsible for meals, bedtime, laundry, etc etc. It can be a shock to them if they haven’t had any practice from being home alone for a day to two.

@TeenMinusTests
Oh, so 10-13 weeks instead of 6 weeks...still don’t see the big problem. You get into a summer holiday routine and it simply goes longer. I would see a problem if it were 6yr old as they are not independent!

We had planned to go abroad twice. A cheap one as soon as year 11 finished, then a proper one later.
Covid ended that long held dream of a cheap foreign holiday !

@PlanDeRaccordement

She stays at home on Thursday as I stay over with my mum, although she usually comes to us for a few hours after having dinner with her dad as ots only around the corner.

I have a night out at a mini festival booked and my best mate and I are planning a weekend camping.

DD is also looking at doing an overnight in London with 3 friends at some point.

Don't worry...I won't plan everything on a spreadsheet...did that when we went of a shirt break to Barcelona a couple of years ago and nearly killed myself trying to fit it all in. DD was 14 at the time and threatened to never come on holiday with me again!

The hilarious thing is my mum thinks I'm a dizzy, laid back hippy who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery!

Awww your poor daughter. So sad you’re dreading spending time with her. I have such lovely memories of just “being” in the house with my mum... would hate to have thought I was “getting in the way of her projects”
She’ll see mates and be at work sometimes so just try and enjoy the time you have together...