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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread the 3 months between school and sixth form?

76 replies

LasagneQueen · 06/05/2021 14:12

Posting here for traffic and on the assumption that those who have already had experience of this won't be checking out the 'Teenagers' board!

DD has three weeks left at school. She is a mature, intelligent, funny, fabulous teenager and we get on really well but the thought of her being at home 24/7 until September is making me want to run away and hide!

She's a great kid, but the turbo witter is strong in this one, and although she'll strip her bed, tidy her room, make her own breakfast and lunch and cook dinner for us both from time to time, she will find an excuse to avoid doing virtually anything else I ask for a hand with and regularly leaves a trail of glasses, crockery, nail varnish and exercise equipment in her wake.

More of an issue is the fact I'm someone who desperately needs their own space. I'm on sabbatical until September, partly caring for my parents but now one is in residential care I have a little more time to work on a personal project of my own, however I never feel I can crack on with someone else in the house all the time and I can guarantee as I soon as try to start something she will be wanting to chat.

Her dad and I are divorced and for reasons to numerous and complicated to go into sheonly sees him a few hours a week and rarely does overnights. I don't feel I can ask her to change that as there's some issues between her and her step mum atm and I'd hate her to think I was trying to offload her.

Really just wondering if anyone can suggest some coping tactics? I'll get my study sorted and earmark some dedicated project time, but between DD and my remaining caring responsibilities (visiting one parent, lots of hand holding for the other), I know I'm going to struggle.

Unfortunately my face is very good at saying how I'm feeling even when I manage to keep my mouth under control!

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 06/05/2021 15:13

Sounds like you’ve got this. Just relax and enjoy.
Your mum doesn’t sound very nice to think those things about you.

Yesmate · 06/05/2021 15:13

My parents would never have let me make a mess in the kitchen and not clean it up, she’s 16. If she wants stuff she can clean up after herself.
I didn’t leave stuff laying around because I respected my parents space (my bedroom during my teenage years was a different story!) Aeg some rules.

Yesmate · 06/05/2021 15:13

Set

lostlanguages · 06/05/2021 15:16

National Citizen Service? wearencs.com/
Get some friends together and go to one of the YHA activity centres?

Original poster
LasagneQueen · 06/05/2021 15:16

@Yesmate she's does attempt to clear up sometimes but definitely needs more practice.

I have told her she'll need to get her finger out a bit on that front!

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 06/05/2021 15:24

I love being with my dd of that age and I'm dreading her leaving for uni. I will miss her so much! Make the most of the time you have left with her. If she's anything like my dd, as soon as all restrictions are lifted she will be out for 6 months and you won't see her anyway...

But yes, get her to practise her life skills and to do an equal share of cooking and cleaning in the house!

Original poster
LasagneQueen · 06/05/2021 15:30

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

I don’t understand. Surely it is no different from all the other summer holidays between Years?

Apart from the fact it's 2 extra months!

I'm impressed that these 16 year olds are finding part time jobs to fill their summer. There's literally nothing around here for that age at the moment ☹️

She made herself a CV and literally walked around every shop and takeaway in a 2 mile radius until someone took her on!

She'd been looking online since last November.

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 06/05/2021 15:38

Last year ds finished school in March due to lockdown, he spent between March & September either at home playing online with his friend, out doing bits of shopping, odd trips to town & doing his own thing. I didn't have to organise anything for him.

Stevearnottsbeard · 06/05/2021 19:16

My son is doing NCS (national citizenship scheme) for 2 weeks in July, think there's a 3 week option too, teaches life skills, charity work plus fun adventure activities, could you look at something like that?

gingganggooleywotsit · 06/05/2021 19:20

I think op you should appreciate how good you have it from the sounds of it! Most teenagers I know of that age are more challenging! Maybe try and think positive about her and the situation

ghostyslovesheets · 06/05/2021 19:22

NCS - brilliant program, work experience or a job!

wheresmymojo · 06/05/2021 19:23

Instead of trying to pin her down and where she'll be and working around that - why don't you do the opposite?

Just pick the days you want to set aside for your project and tell DD you won't be available on those days but you'd love to do some stuff with her on other days.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 06/05/2021 19:29

I really don't see the problem? She's 16, not 6!
I'm in the same position but envisage getting lots of 'me time' as I'm presuming my teen will spend a lot of time chilling in their room, out with friends etc
You also have the luxury I don't have, your dd will be away from the home regularly seeing her Dad & working!

Original poster
LasagneQueen · 06/05/2021 20:52

@Littlefluffyclouds13

She sees her dad for a few hours twice a week at most and it's not a regular arrangement but that's fine...there are reasons for that and whilst it would have been nice for all of us if things had turned out differently, such is life.

She did look into NCS with a few friends but they ultimately decided to concentrate on getting paid work. Dd has done a lot of charity/community work over the last three years via school and as a member of the local Youth Council so feels she has that box ticked from a uni application pov.

She is bloody marvellous...and I'm definitely overthinking in. My life has been so far outside my own control for the last 15 months that I think I'm just unnecessarily anxious atm.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 06/05/2021 21:41

I also have a 16 year old daughter just about to leave school and all tge things you are dreading haven't even crossed my mind that. I'm an introvert and love my own space but she is my daughter?? This is her home?? Mine doesn't have a job yet but has started looking for one. She may cook the odd meal for herself if she doesn't wantwhat the rest of us are having. She makes great cakes and cookies but leaves all the mess fir me to clean up. Cleaning is something that seems to be beneath her and she has never used the washing machine. She says only weirdos iron!
She can be mouthy and feisty but she also can be good company. We have such a good laugh together. It wouldn't cross my mind to even worry about it.

Pinkyavocado · 07/05/2021 02:24

She’s an adult. When she works or doesn’t work shouldn’t affect you surely?! My dd is only 15 but is pretty self sufficient. At weekends we do our own thing without having to worry what she’s doing. We have days out and next year we’ll have weekends away too.

Oneweekleft · 07/05/2021 05:22

Your post reminded me of how my mum treated me as a teen. Like i wasn't welcome ot accepted and i couldn't just "be". You're using the excuse of being an introvert but so what your an introvert. Im an introvert and have 3 boys 8 and under. I manage to survive and when i feel frustrated i remind myself its their home too and they are free to chill out and enjoy the house too. You so reminded me of my mum who acted as if i was in the way and was controlling. Cant you just let your daughter be and enjoy her break before 6th form? Maybe even get to know her and enjoy her company?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/05/2021 07:05

You sound
Anxious
And the wanting to plan everything in an excel sheet is a classic sign of that
That’s not a criticism
In a crazy world we want to control things
And wanting some head space is fine

But be careful , keep a close eye on that anxiety
And be careful she doesn’t pick up on it
Let her be a bit , things evolve

omgthepain · 07/05/2021 07:14

@LasagneQueen
My brothers daughter DN18 is finishing in May and Uni isn't until the end of Oct

He's got her a placement working with a local charity to fill her time

Sparklingbrook · 07/05/2021 07:15

Make the most of it if you can, especially in the time between her last exam and when the schools break up. Go and do some stuff when it's less busy if you can possibly get some time off.
Her friends will all be in the same boat so she can socialise with them.

I felt the same but it actually went fairly quickly. I cut DS some slack at first (long lie ins etc) as he's been studying hard. He just enjoyed doing nothing for a bit. He then picked up a weekend job.

You'll have this next year and the year after most likely. But they go off to University and you miss them being around!

3scape · 07/05/2021 07:20

Set her the challenge of using her day. Get her making dinner. She already has a job and will want to spend time with friends. By all means book time for some family days but it's not that long an amount of time!

HighlandCowbag · 07/05/2021 07:20

She will fill her time OP. She will flip and flop around some days, getting under your feet and wittering at you. But will fill her time. Does she have a tv in her room? I don't generally let the kids watch their shite on the main tv if I am doing housework or pottering around. I tell them to find somewhere else to have Friends or YouTube videos blaring out.

I'd also find something you can do together. In the first lockdown me and the dcs (yr 11 and yr 1) took up c25k and that was fun as well as a few other bits and pieces we were able to do.

It's also handy having a teen at home to accept parcels etc. Just do your own thing and she will slot in and find a rhythm.

MoiraNotRuby · 07/05/2021 07:25

OP I totally get it. You are the person keeping everything and everyone else together. No wonder you need a break from the responsibility.

I assume your DD will have half a term off whilst you are still working. Hopefully she will get into a pattern herself. I would mentally allocate the first week of your own holiday as being v dedicated to DD, and then the next week set aside some time for YOU.

QueenofLouisiana · 07/05/2021 07:35

DS is doing NCS for 3 weeks. I’m hoping that fills a gap and that swimming, cricket and reading obscure history books (his choice!) fills in other bits.
He’s still 15 so little going in terms of a job.

MiddleParking · 07/05/2021 07:44

Poor kid with a mum whose face is very good at saying she wishes she wasn’t there Hmm the introvert narrative has a lot to answer for.