To dread the 3 months between school and sixth form?

[LasagneQueen]

Posting here for traffic and on the assumption that those who have already had experience of this won't be checking out the 'Teenagers' board!

DD has three weeks left at school. She is a mature, intelligent, funny, fabulous teenager and we get on really well but the thought of her being at home 24/7 until September is making me want to run away and hide!

She's a great kid, but the turbo witter is strong in this one, and although she'll strip her bed, tidy her room, make her own breakfast and lunch and cook dinner for us both from time to time, she will find an excuse to avoid doing virtually anything else I ask for a hand with and regularly leaves a trail of glasses, crockery, nail varnish and exercise equipment in her wake.

More of an issue is the fact I'm someone who desperately needs their own space. I'm on sabbatical until September, partly caring for my parents but now one is in residential care I have a little more time to work on a personal project of my own, however I never feel I can crack on with someone else in the house all the time and I can guarantee as I soon as try to start something she will be wanting to chat.

Her dad and I are divorced and for reasons to numerous and complicated to go into sheonly sees him a few hours a week and rarely does overnights. I don't feel I can ask her to change that as there's some issues between her and her step mum atm and I'd hate her to think I was trying to offload her.

Really just wondering if anyone can suggest some coping tactics? I'll get my study sorted and earmark some dedicated project time, but between DD and my remaining caring responsibilities (visiting one parent, lots of hand holding for the other), I know I'm going to struggle.

Unfortunately my face is very good at saying how I'm feeling even when I manage to keep my mouth under control!

OP I totally get it. You are the person keeping everything and everyone else together. No wonder you need a break from the responsibility.

Thank you @MoiraNotRuby and the other posters who understand where I'm coming from.

To those who tell me I'm an awful, controlling mother who hates my daughter and doesn't want her around...try RTFT.

I adore my daughter, she's great company, independent, funny, bright and caring...in short everything you could want in a teenager.

I am looking forward to spending time with her.

I'm not the raging control I sound (and tbh feel like!) atm...I just like planning things so I know what I'm doing and we have stuff to look forward to.

I have no intention of micro-managing my very capable, independent daughter.

Her face is just as capable of saying things as mine...we know what pushes one another's buttons (I have misophonia, she hates it when I use teen speak ) and generally have a laugh about it.

For the last 15 months I have been single handedly caring for an 'end of life' parent, supporting my other parent who needs a massive amount of emotional support and can be extremely challenging, steering my daughter through her GCSEs and the challenges of being a teenager in lockdown with more hindrance than help from her father, and for half that time doing a demanding, inflexible full time job.

All of this with virtually no practical help and very little in the way of emotional support. In February I spoke to my GP about getting support with my MH after a recurrence of the suicidal thoughts I was having last year due to stress, and an incident of self harm. Our local services told me they didn't think they could offer any appropriate therapy and suggested a 'paid for' alternative...oblivious to the fact I am currently existing on Carers Allowance and Universal Credit!

So, the only person who is going to look out for my mental health is me, and I don't think it's particularly unreasonable to want to schedule in some time to do that,which is in everyone's best interests.

I am not wanting or expecting hours and hours of free time, but I need a certain amount of 'space' in order to function well and not let my mental health slide. I am (understandably, I think) anxious that it will be difficult to ring-fence those few hours a couple of times a week over the next few months.

Incidentally the project I'm hoping to spend time on will potentially be hugely beneficial to both me and DD.

Yeo mine was home from March till September last year. Then December till March. Nightmsre.

She sounds like a dream and I’d be really heartbroken if I read this as your daughter!

@Aswad

Really? You'd be heartbroken at being described as capable, independent, intelligent, funny and adored?

Just because your mother needs a few hours a week to look after her mental health?

Your DD isn’t responsible for your mental health though OP. I’m an introvert as well and totally get the need for ‘alone’ time, but it’s perfectly possible to get that when when you live in the same house as someone. If she’s anything like most of the teenagers I know she won’t be around much anyway, especially if she’s manage to find herself job.

Sorry but this whole thread sounds very ‘me, me, me’. I feel a bit sorry for her as well.

I have to admit OP I found this a bit of an odd post. She isn’t really doing anything other than the fact she’s there!

Being honest, my heart sank when 17yo DSS came home from college the other day to say he didn't have to do in after his exams were finished - and they finish today. It's so, so early to be finishing for the summer even by normal standards, and the uni he wants to go to doesn't start until the last week in September.

He lives with us full time, doesn't go out ever, and spends his time screaming and throwing himself around his bedroom upstairs while video gaming. He alternates playing games with coming down to the kitchen and making brews/meals and because I work in the kitchen which is directly under his room (there's nowhere else I can put my desk) I can constantly hear either his screaming while gaming OR he comes down and starts talking to me when he's making food.

That might sound nice, and we do get on well, but the problem is it happens several times a day for half an hour ish each time, and I work with figures so when someone's talking to me I have to stop working, so I'm not finishing until much later in the evening.

Add to that all the mess he creates and - nice lad or not - I'm not sure I'll survive until September.

He also said he isn't getting a job because he doesn't need one (he inherited a few grand from his grandparents and believes he's set up for life even though it probably won't even last his first year at uni). And he also feels he deserves to chill after his A Levels. Which he did very little work for, and consistently slept through his morning sessions during the lockdowns.

FWIW my feelings would be exactly the same if he was my son .. the difference being I would feel I had the right to bollock him about it.

That’s totally different from the OPs situation though linda and plus although you say you’d feel the same if he was your son it isn’t the same as you rightly say you could bollock him.

Your DD isn’t responsible for your mental health though OP.

I have never suggested she is.

...it’s perfectly possible to get that when when you live in the same house as someone.

Yes I take your point. Unfortunately for me that hasn't always been the case (albeit not with DD) and that is probably where the fear/projection comes from.

Clearly I've made my point really badly or am just even more of a freak than I suspected, and a terrible mother as well...

I don’t think you’re a terrible mother but I do think while I wouldn’t use the word freak it’s strange to be so distressed about a teenage girl being at home.

I mean, I understand some of the stuff is annoying but it isn’t ‘bad.’

Maybe if you didn't plan every single day of her holidays she'd use her initiative to occupy herself. She's working 12 hours a week and might do extra, she sees her dad for a few hours, I'm assuming she has friends she'll want to see, especially as everything opens up and she's 16 so it's not like you're tied to the house or can't get on with what you want to do even when she's home. I really don't see that this is an issue

@LasagneQueen I totally know what you mean. One of mine just has a way of taking up all available resources, be it space, time and my attention. And although I absolutely love her to bits, when she was back during lockdown it was extraordinarily difficult to switch my focus inwards and concentrate on myself. In fact, tbh, I didn't really bother and just dug in to wait it out..
You sound completely normal and very loving to me. But as with myself, the solution is in your hands, not hers. Give yourself permission to close off a little bit of yourself to others. Schedule your days in advance and make them very clearly ring- fenced somehow. She won't mind. She'll want you to be happy and fulfilled.
If you feel bad about it, and because of this allow her to distract you then ask yourself what you would want for her if she was in your position.
Best of luck with your exciting project!!!!

I told my 15/16 yr old she needed to get a job. We inherited alot of money this last year BUT I still want her to feel like she is taking control of her own life and manages things herself.

I have had to learn to switch "Mum" off when I am home with her as had been feeling guilty for not running round after her in lockdown so much but the reality was I had to do stuff and so did she so she gets on with it

I would suggest earmark the times you want for your project and just let her know that is a bit of down time or time you need to do x and if she could make herself scarce of find something else to be doing that would be helpful

Mine have struggled to find jobs! No one seems to be taking Saturday staff or anything.

I also work in the kitchen and they come in constantly. It drives me mad.

It obviously depends on where you live but I think it’s really common for school aged kids to struggle to get jobs. It’s easier at 18.

This girl has a job, though.

I think you'll find that after a year of not being able to do anything, she and her friends will take full advantage of the relaxation of rules and be off out doing stuff most days.

Mine had GSCEs and A levels last year so were virtually free from school from March until September with not much of that time being able to do normal teen stuff. They spent an awful lot of time just hanging around in parks with their mates. I think if they had been able to do other stuff, I would have seen them even less!

She sounds a brilliant daughter. Try explaining to her that you will need some time on your own to do your own thing. You may not be able to fix a regular slot, but tell her it would be useful if she could let you know when she might be out for a few hours so that you can organise things for yourself. If she works 3 hour shifts regularly, that is a good start. And do make sure you organise some stuff together too. This is really the last summer holiday that that will be possible.

I don't think I have had more than an hour or 2 alone in my house since March last year. I know a little of how you feel.

She's 16. Are you sure she's planning to spend any time at all with you?!

Give her a set of house keys and a sensible curfew and a few guidelines about what food is spare in the cupboard for her to cook/when you will be serving meals etc and leave her to it. I remember that summer, I didnt spend any of it getting in my mother's hair! I worked, saw friends, and went on holiday with my 18 year old sibling. Got my first boyfriend that summer too so spent time with him too.

Any waitressing jobs as places open up?
Could you make a plan for the week on a Saturday so you both know when you are needed. Any deviations she has to arrange her own transport.

@Pottedpalm

Any waitressing jobs as places open up? Could you make a plan for the week on a Saturday so you both know when you are needed. Any deviations she has to arrange her own transport.

She has a job in a takeaway already.

OP, I think it would be reasonable for you to say to her, in a cheerful, brisk way, that you need the house to yourself at certain times and days, and let her decide what to do in those times. I sometimes need silence for a course I'm doing, and I just say to DH and DC that they either need to be out of the house or be quiet and leave me in peace. I think because they know it's happening in advance and they know why, and because I don't say it to them when I'm already irritated by them, they don't take it personally, and are happy to cooperate. At the same time as asking for those silent periods, I'll make arrangements to do something fun with them, so that it's all part of the weekly plan. You could sit down together every Sunday evening and plan your week - menus, movie night, days out, quiet time. Put it on a whiteboard and then you can both plan accordingly.

I feel your pain, my DS15 is in this position too. I’ve sorted a holiday job out for him, it’s 3 days mid week and a Saturday. He’s happy enough to do it and earn some cash, and he realises he will be bored in the house for 3 months. He also has a gym membership so I won’t mind dropping him off there either.

With everything opening up, how much time do you realistically think she'll spend at home?

I remember that summer - I was pretty much never home. I went t the local outdoor pool with friends, we took the train to the nearest big "cities" to go shopping, we hung out at McDonald's, spent a fortune in Starbucks, went to the cinema, went bowling, hung out in each others' gardens and sunbathed...

I'm pretty sure you'll have PLENTY of time to yourself.

Encourage her to work every shift she can, offer lifts to facilitate this.

Consider aligning your project work with her shifts.

Absolutely do a spreadsheet! Schedule in some extra nights of her cooking, the odd meal out.

Any small things you can do to look after your headspace? Daily solo walks for you? Eating lunch in the garden whenever weather allows? I think you are better set up for this than you think.

YANBU to be concerned. You mention an end of life parent. Is there something that your DD can do to help them (if they are still alive) and/or your other parent? Practical things, perhaps as you note makes meals, for example?

Thank you so much for the recent supportive posts...I stepped away yesterday as I ended up in tears with someone the accusations I was getting thrown at me about my relationship with DD, which is actually a very close and happy one!

This thread has made me realise why I've been feeling so anxious and I appreciating using the work 'dread' was probably a bit overly negative.

@DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy I think if you're doing a course (my project is a similar thing), you'll probably know what I mean when I say it's just the low level background hum and knowing you could (and probably will!) be interrupted at any given time that makes it difficult to concentrate!

@FeelinHappy I am absolutely going to do my spreadsheet , and yes there are some headspace-y things I can do...yesterday I did a soundbath meditation for 20 minutes before the school run! Looking forward to doing those in the garden if the bloody weather ever improves.

@Mellonsprite you've reminded me that DD wants to get a gym membership over the hols. She's really taken charge of her fitness since Christmas and I've asked her to be my 'personal trainer as I have the willpower of a wet lettuce and am in terrible shape atm. She's going to put me through a low level HIIT or Pilates routine every other day and has already been researching what she's planning to subject me to!

@newnortherner111 dad is now in a nursing home (although mum keeps talking about bringing him home which would be an absolute disaster). It's possible DD will potter round to visit her nan from time to time (I'm visiting 5 days a week atm) but it's not something I'd try and nudge her into as mum is quite demanding/difficult high needs.