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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be doing everything?

73 replies

DJ2018 · 05/05/2021 21:58

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of an opinion on this one as me and my partner are arguing all the time and I’m pretty sure I’m in the right but then maybe think I’m not??

So we have a 2 and a 3 year old. You all know what it’s like- hectic, chaotic, never ending jobs and permanent tiredness!

My partner works 5 days as a banking assistant on the high street and I work 3 days a week as an Assistant Headteacher in a massive Primary School.
I also do all the cooking, shopping, washing, 90% of the cleaning, organising lunches/clothes etc for every day, dropping and picking up from childcare/school, all the bill paying, all the life admin (birthdays/Christmas organising etc) and I also do DIY- or if I don’t, my dad does.

I am also the main earner as my job is better paid even with me being three days, so I also shoulder all extra financial responsibility.

We are constantly coming to blows over his expectations as he believes I should do more. We have a little girl who can sometimes take an hour to go to sleep and so I put her to sleep most nights so he can do our son as he’s a bit easier, but on the rare occasions he does have to spend an hour up there he will moan and moan and say that I should be doing it as I only work part time and have no idea what it’s like to work full time (bearing in mind I’ve worked full for my entire career until I had my son). His main comment is that the whole point of me being part time is so that I should be doing all the childcare. If the house isn’t spotless he’ll have a go that I shouldn’t take my children out in the day if the house isn’t tidy before I go etc etc (I could go on for ages about this one as often he just hates the fact that I see my family whom he hates for no reason!)
I can’t explain how frustrated this makes me as on my days off I don’t sit down. I’m looking after two toddlers who are so demanding, and I cannot STAND how sexist and outdated I feel his views are, but am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

inmyslippers · 05/05/2021 22:01

Certainly not being unreasonable, why do you tolerate it?

Lessthanaballpark · 05/05/2021 22:02

Of course YANBU. If he were the one bringing in most of the money he would use that as the reason that you should be doing it all.

Equal leisure time is the point and the goal. And it sounds like you don’t have that.

voovayclickwot · 05/05/2021 22:03

He sounds like an utter knob. What does he want to do, sit on his arse while you do everything?

BrieAndChilli · 05/05/2021 22:05

You are not wrong.

When the kids were tiny I worked part time (several evenings/weekends) and so was home with 3 kids 4 and under.
There were days the house was chaos, especially if someone was a bit poorly or we had a lot of activities etc. I would normally have tea ready when DH got home (but we all ate together as a family so the kids needed feeding) DH never really moaned about the house not being spotless.

BrieAndChilli · 05/05/2021 22:08

Plus then after tea one of us would bath the lids while the other had a tidy up.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/05/2021 22:10

The simple solution is he drops to 4 days, you increase to 4 days, the kids get the same time with their parents, and your each do 50pc of everything.

No doubt he wont go for this because he is a sexist, entitled, lazy arse

Rexasaurus · 05/05/2021 22:11

Does he have any redeeming features op cause he sounds like a complete arse

Lucked · 05/05/2021 22:13

I’m not sure I would keep him around!

PikachuAndMe · 05/05/2021 22:14

The only way that you are being unreasonable is to put up with him.

LannieDuck · 05/05/2021 22:16

I agree with the suggestion to both do 4 days. Then whatever expectation he has of you, will apply to him also.

ILoveShula · 05/05/2021 22:17

Increase your hours to 5 days a week, and do 50/50.

OwlinaTree · 05/05/2021 22:18

Go back to working full time and split it all 50/50?

I think you should do more of the chores on your days off, like laundry and the supermarket shop or something to reduce chores at the weekend, but things like bedtime should be 50/50. I would be annoyed if my DH took the kids out for loads of fun days out while I was working and then we had to spend all the family time at the weekend doing loads of jobs.

He does sounds like he's a bit jealous of your time 'off' but doesn't realise what effort goes into looking after the kids.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 05/05/2021 22:19

An AHT role 3 days isn't 3 days of 9-5. It's that plus hours at home. I bet his job he leaves at work.

Split 4 days each or ltb.

BonnieDundee · 05/05/2021 22:19

He is the sexist pig Important Man OP and you are there to facilitate his life

If he wont listen to you, you don't have to stay and put up with it. Might be worth thinking about

MiniTheMinx · 05/05/2021 22:21

The first thing I would consider is, how much does he contribute financially once you factor in how much financial recourses are spent on his upkeep (car, clothing, travel, leisure, food, extra water etc,) is this equal to or less than he would be paying in CM?

Since his only contribution is financial, you need to deduct his living expenses before calculating what his actual contribution is. If you do this, then I'm sure it becomes clearer still that you would be better off without him.

tootiredtospeak · 05/05/2021 22:21

Yep you need to be harsh here. I earn more than you it makes more sense that I increase my hours and you drop yours. Especially as you seem so sure that a better job can be done of keeping the house clean and looking after 2 demanding toddlers. 2 and 3 must be torture you sound like superwoman to me to be assistant head of a busy school too.

Direwolfwrangler · 05/05/2021 22:22

What an arsehole! Does your three year go to nursery? Can you increase back up to full-time? In your position I would be doing that and using the extra salary to pay for a cleaner.

MonkeyPuddle · 05/05/2021 22:26

I would laugh in the lazy misogynists face. Of course YANBU.

Honeyroar · 05/05/2021 22:27

When he starts his grumbling stop him immediately and ask him what exactly is the point of him in the relationship? Tell him exactly what you’ve written here - he earns less, does no housework, does no shopping, does no washing, can’t cope with his children’s bedtimes, does no DIY, criticises his partner constantly. Then ask again - remind me what your plus points are, because i can’t remember.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 05/05/2021 22:27

How come when it's a man who is the highest earner the woman becomes the SAHP? I'd ask him to swap roles or do 4 days each and 50 /50 everything else.

MadMadMadamMim · 05/05/2021 22:32

You are an Assistant Headteacher, are aware that his views are sexist and outdated and yet are wondering if you are unreasonable in not doing everything?

Come on. You know you aren't. I'm tempted to suggest that every time he has a go because the house isn't spotless you moan that he's pathetic as a man and breadwinner and whine that it's not fair that you are shouldering more of the financial burden.

If you want to play at being in the 1950s.

Alternatively you could tell him that you can afford to be without him and that if he continues he might like to fuck off and clean his own 'spotless' house.

fruitpastille · 05/05/2021 22:37

I would lose my shit in your situation to be honest. Even if the kids were school age this still wouldn't be ok.

PinkSparklyUnicorn · 05/05/2021 22:37

OP - If you are an Assistant Headteacher and juggling with motherhood and housework all of this, you will know that you are extremely capable. As everyone can rely on you, it is easy to let you do all the jobs because you are amazing at it and the more you do, the more will be expected from you. I bet your school work doesn't stop when you live the school as well... Take a minute and put everything you do on paper, see what tasks your partner could reasonably take over to allow you time to breath. Stick to it. Honestly if he moans, he does not deserve you!

Original poster

DJ2018 · 05/05/2021 22:38

Thanks everyone...makes me feel a bit saner knowing I’m not the unreasonable one..! To be honest, he’s not a particularly nice man at all and I am definitely at the stage of figuring out how I can do it without him (financially etc). If I wrote everything down that he does and says to me then you’d wonder why I was still even talking to him let alone living with him!

OP posts:

voovayclickwot · 05/05/2021 22:41

Please go ahead and write it down, you may find it helpful?

Don’t help him have an easy life.

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