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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be doing everything?

73 replies

DJ2018 · 05/05/2021 21:58

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of an opinion on this one as me and my partner are arguing all the time and I’m pretty sure I’m in the right but then maybe think I’m not??

So we have a 2 and a 3 year old. You all know what it’s like- hectic, chaotic, never ending jobs and permanent tiredness!

My partner works 5 days as a banking assistant on the high street and I work 3 days a week as an Assistant Headteacher in a massive Primary School.
I also do all the cooking, shopping, washing, 90% of the cleaning, organising lunches/clothes etc for every day, dropping and picking up from childcare/school, all the bill paying, all the life admin (birthdays/Christmas organising etc) and I also do DIY- or if I don’t, my dad does.

I am also the main earner as my job is better paid even with me being three days, so I also shoulder all extra financial responsibility.

We are constantly coming to blows over his expectations as he believes I should do more. We have a little girl who can sometimes take an hour to go to sleep and so I put her to sleep most nights so he can do our son as he’s a bit easier, but on the rare occasions he does have to spend an hour up there he will moan and moan and say that I should be doing it as I only work part time and have no idea what it’s like to work full time (bearing in mind I’ve worked full for my entire career until I had my son). His main comment is that the whole point of me being part time is so that I should be doing all the childcare. If the house isn’t spotless he’ll have a go that I shouldn’t take my children out in the day if the house isn’t tidy before I go etc etc (I could go on for ages about this one as often he just hates the fact that I see my family whom he hates for no reason!)
I can’t explain how frustrated this makes me as on my days off I don’t sit down. I’m looking after two toddlers who are so demanding, and I cannot STAND how sexist and outdated I feel his views are, but am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

Onceuponatime1818 · 06/05/2021 06:31

I found part time as a teacher almost harder than full time, as the expectations were the same but less contact time in school.

I think your OH sounds unfair and unkind. I’m sorry.

Whythesadface · 06/05/2021 06:34

Look him straight in the eye.
Tell him this is 2021, he help create these children, it is a joint job to parent children.
If he wants you as a SAHM then you would need to STOP working. Or he helps parent his children.
Men should do chores in a house they live in, so what is he going to do to help improve the house flow.

WildfirePonie · 06/05/2021 06:36

You'd have eow all to yourself if you split. Seems like a good deal since you are already managing as a single parent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2021 06:37

Get rid. He's a twat.

simpleyellowshoes · 06/05/2021 07:35

@TheTeenageYears

Take the 11 weeks between now and the end of the school year to get your ducks in a row and on the last day of term tell him the relationship is over. Spend the summer hols getting used to a new normal with the children and putting arrangements in place for the return to school in September.

How do you actually do this though? Asking for myself. What do you means about getting your ducks in a row? When you tell him it's over, so you expect him to leave the family home? My DH would never agree to that, and I could not take my children out of their home as it would be too upsetting for them.

Looubylou · 06/05/2021 08:01

Deep down, I suspect he struggles with the fact he is not total Alpha, because you work in a position of authority and earn more. I would also bet that you are the obviously more intelligent, including emotionally. He is therefore exerting control and keeping you down in every way he can. Not liking your family is part of this. I have observed this many times - each time it has only got worse, with the woman becoming burnt out, isolated, and often with a detrimental effect on her career. Those things which initially attract this sort of man, turn into qualities to be squashed. You deserve better. Don't be one of those women. You deserve respect, support and admiration from your partner, not abuse and control because he is bitter that he is not what he would aspire to be. 💐

Shoxfordian · 06/05/2021 08:10

He doesn’t sound like he wants to be on your team and contribute to your lives

Sceptre86 · 06/05/2021 08:32

I find posts like this really sad and depressing. You are an assistant headteacher so are likely to be intelligent and are in a position of authority in your professional life yet put up with this shit in your personal one. Why? Of course yanbu but then you should know that already. Get your life inorder and leave him and next time set your sights higher. I don't mean to come across as harsh but you really do need a reality check if you think that there is any chance at all the person you call a partner is reasonable to behave this way! You could of course have it out with him and see if he changes but it is his mindset that needs to change and only you know if you would be willing to take that risk.

AhNowTed · 06/05/2021 08:45

Wow a whole 9-5 working as a banking clerk, he must be exhausted 🙄

dottiedodah · 06/05/2021 09:04

I rarely say this on here ,but surely you are getting zilch out of this RL at the moment? If you earn more ,then surely you would be better off alone than with this complete prick! I would be getting all ducks in row financially !

TheTeenageYears · 06/05/2021 09:19

@simpleyellowshoes you have to decide on the least bad option. When things are not good you can try and change or get out. In relationship terms that generally means one person leaving. There is no perfect solution, there is just the one which is the least bad. In OP's case it sounds like she has a supportive family who would be willing to house them over the summer if required. For her the summer holiday is the best time to tackle the potential fall out because she can largely concentrate her time on the DC and practical matters which will be much harder to do during term time.

HollowTalk · 06/05/2021 09:22

It's time for this lazy man to find his own place to live.

paralysedbyinertia · 06/05/2021 09:24

Life's too short for this kind of shit, OP. You're definitely better off without him.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 06/05/2021 09:26

I love it how these sexist men aren't even married to their partners. But that's good in your case. I'd look at going FT or two PT jobs and then telling him it's over. Sexist men never change.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 06/05/2021 09:29

I’d start thinking about how his attitude could rub off on your son, do you really want him growing up treating his partner the same? And for your daughter to think this is normal for her partner to treat her the same?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 06/05/2021 09:29

It means you see a solicitor and initiate divorce proceedings if you are married. It may mean the marital home has to be sold, children have to move homes all the time, it's better than growing up with a toxic marriage with a sexist twat.

If you have to live together until the house is sold or buy out is complete, so be it.

billy1966 · 06/05/2021 09:34

What a lazy selfish pig.

You are not married?

Focus on getting him out.

He sounds absolutely horrible.

Whay are you wasting your life with him?

Who owns the house?

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 09:36

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Op a bit of advice from someone in same boat. Stop before you hurt yourself by burning out. Stopping is great. I was very recently so stressed out my mental health was suffering working ft, studying part time, toddler at home and a usess dp. I stopped. I stopped doing it or said this is your job and I am not doing it. Eg washing or bins. No nagging just stopped. Working alright but we're only a few weeks in! Pick a visible task so not dusting eg washing and drying. Say I now no longer do this or any cooking on a Saturday, it's your job as that's fair and just stop!

This is so true, you just need to stop doing it.

Deadringer · 06/05/2021 09:47

Some decent guys have outdated, sexist views but your dh isn't one of them. He sounds horrible. He doesn't like your family and tbh it doesn't sound as if he likes you much either. How fucking dare he dictate to you about housework or anything else when he does piss all. A very rare ltb from me.

Crikeycroc · 06/05/2021 09:51

He’s a twat. You should start moaning at him that you pay for everything and therefore he needs to step up and do more childcare and housework because as the main breadwinner you need more time off to rest and recuperate.

pinkscrunchy · 06/05/2021 10:20

The minute I uttered the words that my husband wasn't a nice man, I hope I would be gone. Really OP, your life would be so much more peaceful and easier (ironically) without him.

pinkscrunchy · 06/05/2021 10:24

@Looubylou

Agree with all of this. I have seen it with a relative. It's so embarrassing for the DH - as in, he's embarrassing himself with his behaviour and we all see through it.

I earn a lot more than my husband and I can tell he has nothing but respect and pride towards me. We both work full time and both pull our weight. It doesn't have to be the way it is for you OP.

HollowTalk · 06/05/2021 10:38

@DJ2018

Thanks everyone...makes me feel a bit saner knowing I’m not the unreasonable one..! To be honest, he’s not a particularly nice man at all and I am definitely at the stage of figuring out how I can do it without him (financially etc). If I wrote everything down that he does and says to me then you’d wonder why I was still even talking to him let alone living with him!

Sometimes it really helps to write a list - I don't mean you should do it here, but for yourself (in a password protected file.) What you should do can then seem obvious.

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