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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be doing everything?

73 replies

DJ2018 · 05/05/2021 21:58

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of an opinion on this one as me and my partner are arguing all the time and I’m pretty sure I’m in the right but then maybe think I’m not??

So we have a 2 and a 3 year old. You all know what it’s like- hectic, chaotic, never ending jobs and permanent tiredness!

My partner works 5 days as a banking assistant on the high street and I work 3 days a week as an Assistant Headteacher in a massive Primary School.
I also do all the cooking, shopping, washing, 90% of the cleaning, organising lunches/clothes etc for every day, dropping and picking up from childcare/school, all the bill paying, all the life admin (birthdays/Christmas organising etc) and I also do DIY- or if I don’t, my dad does.

I am also the main earner as my job is better paid even with me being three days, so I also shoulder all extra financial responsibility.

We are constantly coming to blows over his expectations as he believes I should do more. We have a little girl who can sometimes take an hour to go to sleep and so I put her to sleep most nights so he can do our son as he’s a bit easier, but on the rare occasions he does have to spend an hour up there he will moan and moan and say that I should be doing it as I only work part time and have no idea what it’s like to work full time (bearing in mind I’ve worked full for my entire career until I had my son). His main comment is that the whole point of me being part time is so that I should be doing all the childcare. If the house isn’t spotless he’ll have a go that I shouldn’t take my children out in the day if the house isn’t tidy before I go etc etc (I could go on for ages about this one as often he just hates the fact that I see my family whom he hates for no reason!)
I can’t explain how frustrated this makes me as on my days off I don’t sit down. I’m looking after two toddlers who are so demanding, and I cannot STAND how sexist and outdated I feel his views are, but am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Veryverycalmnow · 05/05/2021 22:46

It sounds to me like he's a dickhead who has very outdated views on your role as a woman...
If he wants things to be tidier can't he do some of an evening? Your job alone is a huge responsibility. On the other days it sounds like you're doing a lot.
Going out for the day with toddlers and letting them get to know family should not be criticised- does he want them to vegetate on the sofa while you act as house maid?
He's so wrong and YANBU!

Kokosrieksts · 05/05/2021 22:49

Hahahaha. Not a chance would I do all what you do and then think that it’s not enough. Your husband is very deluded. Has he ever stayed with the kids on his own for a full day?
Going out with kids is priority over some housework 100%.

ItsFriyay · 05/05/2021 22:49

I agree with PP that a 3 day a week assistant head role is a pretty demanding role and not
really part time.
I hope you come to some decision about your future with him, you’re right he doesn’t sound like a nice man at all.

3scape · 05/05/2021 22:50

Come to blows? Get the fuck out now.

Honeyroar · 05/05/2021 22:51

To be honest a lot of us are already wondering that. Keep that thought in your head - planning how to do it without him..

ErrolTheDragon · 05/05/2021 22:57

Just something I noticed...
he just hates the fact that I see my family whom he hates for no reason

This sounds like it could be a red flag for the type of person who might be possessive/controlling... if there's really 'no reason' then it's probably your relationship with them he resents.

LittleOwl153 · 05/05/2021 23:05

You should be doing all the childcare- for the hours he is at work but you are not. Other than that it's 50/50. Why does he get an evening and you don't? Bet you find the house would be cleaner /tidier without him in it too.

whyhell0there · 05/05/2021 23:05

Maybe as he works in a bank, putting it to him in numbers will get through to him??

You could frame it in percentages... What percentage do each of your salaries make up of the total household income? How many hours do each of you spend at home vs commuting/at work/on personal interests etc? Maybe also account for levels of accountability and stress for your respective jobs (something tells me neither is particularly high in his work...)? What estimated percentage of child-related/household things do each of you do? (You've said you do 90%, so a measly 10% for him) etc etc

He lives in the house too. They're his kids too. He's meant to be an equal, not an additional child. He has no excuse!

Wearywithteens · 05/05/2021 23:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

littlebillie · 05/05/2021 23:13

@Wearywithteens

Assistant Head - even part time is a far more demanding role than a 9-5 bank clerk! All the domestics and 2 little children too? You must be exhausted and I’m not surprised you’re reappraising your relationship - what an entitled selfish prick he is. I just never know how a supposedly loving husband can just sit there watching his wife run herself ragged and not give a shiny shit. He has no care, no integrity and no respect for you.
I agree, you are an intelligent women and if he leaves you have one less child to mind.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2021 23:14

He sounds absolutely horrible!

Surely you can leave him easily by going full time?

BonnieDundee · 05/05/2021 23:22

I just never know how a supposedly loving husband can just sit there watching his wife run herself ragged and not give a shiny shit.

This 100%

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 05/05/2021 23:22

Come on. You're a smart woman, you've got to know you deserve better than this?

Please don't bring up 2 DC believing that women have to earn the high income PLUS be a 1950s housewife, while the man gets to do a low-paying, cushy 9-5, sod-all parenting, no housework, admin or DIY.

You know that's not right don't you?

worriedatthemoment · 05/05/2021 23:23

You are doing more than your fair share

worriedatthemoment · 05/05/2021 23:25

But if he isn't a nice man as you say , you will be better without him surely
Although I know easier said than done

TheTeenageYears · 05/05/2021 23:26

Take the 11 weeks between now and the end of the school year to get your ducks in a row and on the last day of term tell him the relationship is over. Spend the summer hols getting used to a new normal with the children and putting arrangements in place for the return to school in September.

TheQuaffle · 05/05/2021 23:28

Sometimes I feel like I’m lacking something in my life being single. And then I read a post like this and I’m cool. Good luck OP.

LocalHobo · 05/05/2021 23:32

I am the 1% saying YABU. I thought others would agree with me since the situation you have allowed to develop is absolutely ludicrous!

You are an intelligent woman. How have you let this arsehole have such a ridiculous attitude to family life?

FlipFlapFlop1980 · 05/05/2021 23:33

My young DD says "get rid of him. He's a terrible husband and father. I'm booting out anyone that does that to me".

YANBU. I have the same issue. It's fucking exhausting so I refuse to work more than 3 days a week. But that's in an easy job not a teaching job that's likely very stressful.

I would buy in support for yourself and spend it out of the family pot.

BonnieDundee · 05/05/2021 23:36

Local Please don't blame the woman for the man's failings Hmm

Wallywobbles · 06/05/2021 05:09

If hé earned more than you he'd also use that as a stick to beat you with. I'd go full time or 4/5 maybe and bin him off today. Stupid wanker.

Good luck. I cannot tell you how much I loved being divorced with my 2&3 year olds. I worked 4 days a week (not Wednesday) so never more than one day from a nap. I got every other weekend off - just for me.

No one undermining me. Fantastic support from friends and his family. And so much fun with my kids. Honestly it was the best time.

Go for it.

AntiSocialDistancer · 06/05/2021 05:17

Do it - write out the list. You don't have to post it here, but face the truth you are living.

He already sounds like an utter cock.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 06/05/2021 05:40

Op a bit of advice from someone in same boat. Stop before you hurt yourself by burning out.
Stopping is great.
I was very recently so stressed out my mental health was suffering working ft, studying part time, toddler at home and a usess dp. I stopped.
I stopped doing it or said this is your job and I am not doing it. Eg washing or bins. No nagging just stopped. Working alright but we're only a few weeks in!
Pick a visible task so not dusting eg washing and drying. Say I now no longer do this or any cooking on a Saturday, it's your job as that's fair and just stop!

Boondia · 06/05/2021 05:58

Get rid, there will be less stuff to do and you won’t have to deal with the resentment of living with someone who thinks you should be a skivvy.

Springsnake · 06/05/2021 06:27

He’s awful ,why are you putting up with this ,you don’t need him ,your clearly very capable with your job ...I’d be finding a way to leave ASAP.
You might as well be a single mum ,as you are doing everything yourself already