Worried about my little girl so much

[Worriedmummy7878]

Name changed for this, posting here for advice..
My little girl and I fled severe domestic abuse.. Her father is an extremely violent and dangerous individual. We are now in hiding through a protection scheme.
I've been court ordered to make her available for interim contact in a contact centre where he has seemingly won over the staff and gets glowing reports.. It twists my stomach inside. Several times the supervisors have said contact is positive because of me and that I haven't denigrated him in front of her..
Our next hearing in a finding of fact hearing in the summer. He's denying all of the abuse and of course blaming me. He abused his daughter also.
I'm now scared because my daughter keeps saying she's scared of him, she's been having the most horrific night terrors when I go in to her she's sweating and shaking and clings onto me.. She says she's scared and I ask what she's scared of and she says daddy :( the damage he's done is irrevocable and he deserves to rot in hell for what he's done to her.
What can I do, how do I tell someone about this. This has been recurring for weeks now. My daughter is nearly 3 and was around 18 months when the domestic abuse was at its most horrific point, she's witnessed and heard her father do the most horrific things to me.. She's been subject to physical and emotional abuse from him also.
I don't know what to do.
I'm represented by a solicitor who is of the firm belief it'll all go wrong for him at the fact finding stage as he's denying abuse that was documented by the police and children's services, the court in itself will find that disturbing.
I'm just so worried about my little girl and don't know what else to do except reassure her and keep her safe.

With children service you need to ask about strategies and building her resilience to dealing espec if goes outside supervised d in future.
He always will be her father
It s also recognising that to her he is daddy
And her complex emotions
Get good relationship with goood family therapist
See one on your own for your worries and how to deal with this
There are systems to protect you and her
You cannot be in heightened state all the time
It s the next few years til she old enough to decide herself

I would go seek advice from your local safeguarding board and tell them about the behaviour. I would also speak to solicitor about what would happen if you broke the agreement for access. ie would it go back to court or would you have sanctions made against you.
Also ring social services yourself and speak of your worries about your daughter.

Huge hugs and congratulations for getting away from him. I was in a similar situation myself and I left too. My ex tried to have contact supervised and the social workers refused it, so I'm shocked that they are allowing him to see her at all.

I think you should push hard for a play therapist. I've found making a nuisance of myself until people did things worked. Also recording incidents etc as it builds a picture of her distress.

I want to reassure you, I left when my DS was 18 months old, and he is now 21 and a well balanced young man who remembers nothing of this time in his life.

As a word of caution, if you apply for child maintenance, ensure that the CMS know and understand that this is a DV case. They knew with me, but still ended up releasing all my details to him as they decided he should pay me directly. I had to have alarms put in the house etc.

@Fixitup2

You tell them what you’ve been through, that’s she’s having night terrors and other behaviours. Then you ring children’s social care, you wouldn’t meet threshold here for a child protection plan because you’ve protected her by leaving but would hopefully get child in need given her emotional distress and a plan would be put in place to support her.

Having left doesn’t mean a CPP isn’t necessary.

I used my parents address for the cms application..
I'm worried because I had a year long injunction and it's ending in the summer, without that I have no protection whatsoever from him.. My solicitor thinks and will be pushing for the barrister to ask for another 6 months appended to onto it. I'm scared the court will force me to try and parent with him. I absolutely just cannot. I will never ever ever forgive, respect or speak to him ever again.

This sounds horrific!!
I agree with others, I'd be tempted to take my little girl and run as far away as I could. She doesn't need him, she has all she needs with you,
It's disgusting that men like him get contact with kids

@Cleverpolly3 where I am it would. There is zero chance this would meet threshold where I am because she’s left.

[quote Fixitup2]@Cleverpolly3 where I am it would. There is zero chance this would meet threshold where I am because she’s left.[/quote]
Where are you?
It made no difference to us

Op I've no constructive advice but this seems horrific beyond words!

Beyond words and all so soon as well, this man's actions have caused you to flee in extreme harrowing circumstances why the hell is any contact right now so necessary???

• wasn't there something similar in the awful Rotherham abuse victims cases?

Embrace surely the time for rescliance building is when she's developed and is a young adult late teens. This also gives the perp time to prove they have changed and turned their life around and shown remorse.
I can't believe we would as a society foist this terrifying man on a 3 year old and expect her to build rescliance!!

@mathanxiety

Self refer back to social services. Tell them you are being forced into contact and the effect its having on your daughter. YY to this.

Document everything she says, the night terrors.

Can you find a play therapist to work with her?

A play therapist would be a useful witness for you, and would also be able to help your DD.

www.bapt.info/

Maybe the GP could refer her.

I was just thinking this

The child is seeing her father at supervised contact

Maybe not resiliency but play therapy to help her make sense of it all
And play therapist can tease out concerns

..... contact in a contact centre where he has seemingly won over the staff and gets glowing reports.. It twists my stomach inside. Several times the supervisors have said contact is positive....

So the dd presumably has positive experience of contact...it is not straightforward.

@Embracelife

..... contact in a contact centre where he has seemingly won over the staff and gets glowing reports.. It twists my stomach inside. Several times the supervisors have said contact is positive....

So the dd presumably has positive experience of contact...it is not straightforward.

DD having a visually positive experience does not mean DD is having a positive experience, at all.

The fact that the child is having nightmares that include "daddy" might be a clue.

The fact is that children often behave very positively around even a very abusive parent. I think the reason is called fear.

It s complex because the court will have reports from contact centre.

Getting play therapist involved and night terrors recorded gives the bigger picture .

So how do you make sure the judge has the full picture?

I know the temptation to run, as that was exactly what I did (albeit my situation wasn’t as extreme as yours). I came within inches of having my child removed, and potentially being jailed for contempt, as I left the court’s jurisdiction during proceedings. Unfortunately I think you’re going to have to let it play out. But access all the support you can from GP, social services, women’s aid, whoever. For you and your dd.

@embracelife do you work in childrens services or safeguarding?

@Embracelife

..... contact in a contact centre where he has seemingly won over the staff and gets glowing reports.. It twists my stomach inside. Several times the supervisors have said contact is positive....

So the dd presumably has positive experience of contact...it is not straightforward.

Or he is adept at projection and masking the side of him the OP and the child experienced

Thai is more likely the case with an abusive person
Abuse of the mother of abuse of the child
End of

My dc saw my ex in a contact centre

It moved on... there
were further incidents
one dd no longer has contact.

The judge will have reports from contact centre
You need to be aware of what his side will present.

Everyone saying he is monster yes but he plays the game
If contact in contact centre goes well based on reports
Then the monster argument falls apart

It will progress to supervised outside centre

(Exp attacked a supervisor go figure)
Then non supervised
You have to wait for another incident

Unless your psychologist presents a different report ?

I don't doubt this guy is abusive
But you need to be aware of the process

There's more background than what I can tell you in this thread as it's very outing but I'll send you a message x

Is there any way you can film the terrors and her words about him being frightened etc, this would certainly evidence the child’s voice which should count for a lot
You’ve done amazing getting away from him and protecting your little girl

My baby had the most horrific night terror tonight, i recorded it on the baby monitor as my solicitor advised me to. Spoken to my daughters health visitor and she's made a referral to emotional wellbeing as the GP rejected the referral, she said she will push it through. She's of the mindset that she's being forced to see a highly dangerous and abusive man who she'll never be safe around and said she will do everything she can to support us and thinks contact should be stopped and he shouldn't be in her life as he's traumatised her.. I don't know how much weight that holds coming from a health visitor? Can anyone advise?